DS1 being teased about his ethnicity

[SpaceGal]

Our family is an Asian mix. I am Chinese and Filipino and DH is Vietnamese. Needless to say we look Asian. We live in a very American community where Asian people make up 1% of the population. As a family we only speak English. DH speaks Vietnamese with his parents and I speak Chinese with my family. In any case, we have raised our kids as they are kids. We do tell them they are Asian but they don't see themselves being different than their Caucasian friends, they do see a difference with say African American friends but we tell them it doesn't matter what color a person and he gets it. The odd/funny thing is my children really don't see themselves as Asian.

So DS1 comes home and tells us that some kids are teasing him and calling him Chinese and making fun of him and saying not very nice things. Of course he is upset and bothered. DH told him to ignore them...he doesn't want him tattle-tailing to the principle at school. I get that but at the same time I don't know if DS1 can handle it and ignore.

DH grew up around here so he dealt with it and came out ok. DS1 I dunno, he's a tough but sensitive guy depending on the situation. I grew up in Hawaii where culture never bothered me.

Any ideas what to tell him? I just don't want him to be teased or eventually bullied.

Oddly enough, as I live here in this region as well as being married to DH, we're more "American" than anything if that makes sense. Our parents are immigrants and we are first generation...my kids are second generation. We barely know our own heritage and language. Granted we are "Asian" but I hardly feel that way.

[katydid1971]

No advice just hugs to you and DS.

[TwinFoxes]

I think if it happens again I'd have to go talk to the principal. I get that your DH feels that he survived, but times have changed, that sort of behavior is (hopefully) even less acceptable now than it was when he was a kid. I'm so sorry your DS is going through this. I'm hoping DDs never face this, but I'm sure they will at some point. :(

[wellyes]

I would definitely "tattle" if it comes up again. Nip it in the bud. Plus, I'm sure the parent of those kids would want to know what they're doing. I can't imagine any parent being OK with that behavior.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My school would want to know that. They have a strong anti-bullying stance. They need to know it's happening then they can deal with it- even if only as a general tolerance instruction vs specific to your family.

Beth

[crl]

I would consider approaching the teacher. I wonder how it would go over to offer to share some kind of traditional holiday fun (crafts and food) with the kids so they can see how cool it is to be Chinese. is the moon festival over? Is Chinese New Year the next fun holiday?

I realize it is different, but my approach when kids started asking ds about adoption and phrasing it in unintentionally hurtful ways (ie I'm not his "real" mom, etc), I went into class and read a book on the topic and tried to answer questions. I also put together a little information sheet for the parents with the name of the book we read, some other books on the topic and a website address that included positive adoption language. I felt like dealing with it head on let ds know that we supported him and it gave him allies in the class so if someone pulled out that language again the other kids would correct them.

Catherine

[wendmatt]

ugh, your poor ds. Hugs to him and I agree with pps, bring it to the attention of the teacher. He should not have to put up with that.

[JoyNChrist]

I would consider approaching the teacher. I wonder how it would go over to offer to share some kind of traditional holiday fun (crafts and food) with the kids so they can see how cool it is to be Chinese. is the moon festival over? Is Chinese New Year the next fun holiday?

I realize it is different, but my approach when kids started asking ds about adoption and phrasing it in unintentionally hurtful ways (ie I'm not his "real" mom, etc), I went into class and read a book on the topic and tried to answer questions. I also put together a little information sheet for the parents with the name of the book we read, some other books on the topic and a website address that included positive adoption language. I felt like dealing with it head on let ds know that we supported him and it gave him allies in the class so if someone pulled out that language again the other kids would correct them.

Catherine

I think this is fabulous advice.

Hugs to you and your DS. I would be so sad about this...in fact I'm sad for you. I hope this is resolved quickly. :hug:

[eno0609]

I would definitely "tattle" if it comes up again. Nip it in the bud. Plus, I'm sure the parent of those kids would want to know what they're doing. I can't imagine any parent being OK with that behavior.
:yeahthat:
I just briefly asked DH about this, and we both agree that the school should be alerted to this before it gets out of hand. DH is filipino and is sometimes mistaken for Chinese and has been called pretty much every asian racial slur before.

I'm also of mixed ethnicity- originally from Trinidad, father is east indian, mother is 1/4 caucasian, 1/4 black, 1/4 east indian and 1/4 spanish. I grew up with my mom and don't really look like her and I remember being teased one day on the school bus when I was maybe 7 or 8 by this kid who asked me in a rude way why I didn't have a dot on my forehead. I was so confused and hurt, I think because I didn't identify strongly with any particular ethnicity at that age and certainly didn't think that I looked indian. (I don't think that I look very much like any one particular ethnicity and people often have a hard time figuring out what 'I am').

What helped me as a kid was learning about my background and to be proud of it. I know that this has helped DH as well. We're both proud to be Canadian but also proud of our individual ethnicities. We're trying to teach this to DC as well, DD looks more filipina like DH and DS looks more indian like me but neither of them really look like me so we're trying to teach them about where we came from. Sorry that your DS has had to deal with this :hug:

[SpaceGal]

I would consider approaching the teacher. I wonder how it would go over to offer to share some kind of traditional holiday fun (crafts and food) with the kids so they can see how cool it is to be Chinese. is the moon festival over? Is Chinese New Year the next fun holiday?

I realize it is different, but my approach when kids started asking ds about adoption and phrasing it in unintentionally hurtful ways (ie I'm not his "real" mom, etc), I went into class and read a book on the topic and tried to answer questions. I also put together a little information sheet for the parents with the name of the book we read, some other books on the topic and a website address that included positive adoption language. I felt like dealing with it head on let ds know that we supported him and it gave him allies in the class so if someone pulled out that language again the other kids would correct them.

Catherine

I am thinking about talking to his teacher. I have parent teacher conference with her next Thursday and talk to her about this. The bus driver mentioned that if the boys keep it up she will tell the principle. Unfortunately, I don't get him off the bus, my friend does. I might ask her to check with the driver and see what is going on.

Oh and the other thing DS1 told me was some little girl in kindy is calling him a stupid baby...like seriously!?!? I mean where do these kids learn this crap. Ugh so annoying. I hate to see him try to be tough, but I know deep down he is sensitive.

[anamika]

I would consider approaching the teacher. I wonder how it would go over to offer to share some kind of traditional holiday fun (crafts and food) with the kids so they can see how cool it is to be Chinese. is the moon festival over? Is Chinese New Year the next fun holiday?


:yeahthat:
I am so sorry to hear that your DS is having to deal with this. I too am dreading the day DD comes home with some similar story. As first-generation immigrants, it is even harder for us since a lot of this stuff - school, playdates etc is new even to us.
DH and I have started to make more of an effort to go in to DD's school and talk about our culture, beliefs, why we wear a bindi etc. We try to go in for Divali which is our big festival similar to Christmas/Hanukkah. I find that even the teachers are receptive and want to find out more. Ultimately, I hope it will help everyone be more sensitive to differences.
I would definitely talk about this with the teachers.
I would love to hear more ideas on dealing with this too!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I think if it happens again I'd have to go talk to the principal. I get that your DH feels that he survived, but times have changed, that sort of behavior is (hopefully) even less acceptable now than it was when he was a kid. I'm so sorry your DS is going through this. I'm hoping DDs never face this, but I'm sure they will at some point. :(

:yeahthat:

this exactly. i dread dealing with this too..though people here are super-nice in general, we don't really live in a very ethnically diverse area at all. it's still new to me too, given i spent most of my adult life in cities like Berkeley, Boston and LA where most people are relatively more aware about cultural differences.

my DH would probably react exactly like OP's DH...my DH is very non-confrontational and plus, as a kid himself never seemed all that bothered by other kids teasing him. i was the opposite though, i was really sensitive about being teased and i absolutely hated it when my parents would say stuff like "Just ignore them."..it felt like they totally dismissed my feelings. I like crl's idea about reading a book or doing a craft or something with the class.

[g-mama]

:yeahthat:
I just briefly asked DH about this, and we both agree that the school should be alerted to this before it gets out of hand. DH is filipino and is sometimes mistaken for Chinese and has been called pretty much every asian racial slur before.


I absolutely agree that the teacher and the school should be told. My dh is also Filipino and heard it all when he was growing up, and even occasionally now. I would definitely tell the teacher.

We live in an extremely diverse area. Our school is 60+% Asian. My kids are half Asian/half Caucasian. Even here, things get said that are hurtful. Just last week, my middle ds said that a Korean boy asked him where he's from. Ds answered, "My dad is from the Philippines" and the boy responded "That's the WORST country to be from." :rolleyes: Why are so many kids cruel and unkind? I continue to be astounded by this on an almost daily basis.

[hoodlims]

This happened to me when I was a kid and it really hurt. I think you are doing the right thing by talking to him at home, and explaining to him that kids just don't understand how cool it is to be different. Then, yes, talking to the teacher and doing some neat things around Chinese New Year are always fun for kids. Being Chinese myself, I always did something with Chinese astrology in my ESL class of all Mexican students around the New Year. They loved it, because it opened up their eyes to something different.

[California]

Instead of thinking of it as 'tattling', think of it as an opportunity for the kids to learn much-needed social skills. Think of it as helping them out!! Starting with the teacher is always a good idea. Catherine's approach is similar to one I've used for my own DD. Books, food, sharing a cultural celebration or craft activity. Making sure there are books in the class library that reflect diversity. Incorporating "how do friends treat each other" type of stuff into the daily writing assignment... kinder is the perfect cozy community environment for all of this. Now if its a bus issue, that's probably kids from many grades. That is something you would want to talk to the principal about. But start with the teacher first, so she (or he) is in your corner.

[citymama]

I would consider approaching the teacher. I wonder how it would go over to offer to share some kind of traditional holiday fun (crafts and food) with the kids so they can see how cool it is to be Chinese. is the moon festival over? Is Chinese New Year the next fun holiday?

I realize it is different, but my approach when kids started asking ds about adoption and phrasing it in unintentionally hurtful ways (ie I'm not his "real" mom, etc), I went into class and read a book on the topic and tried to answer questions. I also put together a little information sheet for the parents with the name of the book we read, some other books on the topic and a website address that included positive adoption language. I felt like dealing with it head on let ds know that we supported him and it gave him allies in the class so if someone pulled out that language again the other kids would correct them.

Catherine

Excellent advice. I think this is a wonderful approach. I agree with the other posters - this needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. You also need to talk to your DS about his ethnicity, and give him a chance to feel some pride for his ancestry - introducing him to respected members of the Filipino or Vietnamese community he could look up to, reading books, helping him to develop peer friendships with other Asian kids so he does not feel so isolated. Inviting some of his new friends over for playdates, getting to know some of the families, can also help. It's hard to tease a kid whose family you know, and your parents know.

I am really sorry your DS is going through this. Big hugs, and keep us posted.

[mjs64]

OP, I am so sorry you and your DS are dealing with this. I thankfully haven't had to deal with the issue you've described yet but worry about how I would if it were to come up in the future. I agree that you should involve the school in some way. I like Catherine's idea, but you did emphasize in your post that you identify primarily as American and so I wonder if talking about Chinese New Year, etc., might not serve your ultimate purpose in that it continues to highlight racial difference, even while celebrating it. Let me describe my own family, briefly, as an explanation:

My DS is half Caucasian and half Korean. DH is a Korean adoptee (adopted from Korea at 6 months old to parents in the US), and his parents are Caucasian. So that means none of us have Korean traditions to fall back on, nor do any of us speak Korean. We identify, as you say, as American, and feel that it's important to emphasize that there are many ways to be American. Americans have all kinds of differences--religious, ethnic, etc.--and that's what's terrific about our country. That might be the "lesson" I'd talk about in a classroom situation or with DS individually. I wish I had a go-to book. I'll look.

[mjs64]

Another thought would be, in a classroom setting, to read a book about discrimination and bias and how that can be hurtful. A narrative would help kids understand the situation perhaps. OP, how old is your DS? I'm looking at booklists (for you and for me, for the future).

[Melanie]

I'm sorry. I would DEFINITELY address it with the school.

[fedoragirl]

I also want to add coming from an immigrant family and now being an immigrant myself that teaching your children about their heritage, culture, family history etc. can be very empowering. They will feel proud of their ethnicity and much more confident. That has been my experience and I definitely plan to teach my kids the same since they'll grow up in a different country.

[mytwosons]

I'm disgusted.

This is SO wrong, I would want an immediate meeting with the teacher and principal. The bus driver needs to report the incidences now. Zero tolerance.

Our school would want to know this and the bus driver would be in trouble for not reporting it the first time.

I do like the PPs' suggestions to visit the classroom and read a book, etc. Also, can you volunteer in the classroom? IME, young kids like this get really excited about having parent volunteers and it raises the child's "cool factor".

[maestramommy]

I think if it happens again I'd have to go talk to the principal. I get that your DH feels that he survived, but times have changed, that sort of behavior is (hopefully) even less acceptable now than it was when he was a kid. I'm so sorry your DS is going through this. I'm hoping DDs never face this, but I'm sure they will at some point. :(


:yeahthat: We're living in fricken 2011. Jokes about ethnicity need to die.

[pinkmomagain]

Haven't read through all of the responses. But I would not even hestitate one moment to let the teacher/school know.

[hellokitty]

DH and I live in a similar area and we too are a pan asian couple (I'm of taiwanese descent and he is of korean descent), and there are less than 1% asians in our area and I grew up in a similar type of area and it was really rough (there were barely any black students and maybe 4 asian families in the entire town). I got bullied and teased with every ching chong, slant eye taunt, joke and slur out there. I have been dreading this for my own kids and keep telling myself that it's 2011, things *should* be better, shouldn't they? I NEVER planned to live somewhere like this again and raise my kids up in such an un-diverse area, but my DH's job is very specialized and jobs are not plentiful, so of course, we end up in an area opposite of where I would have liked to have settled down.

I had one incident while we were one the road once several yrs ago, where a middle school aged kid openly started doing slant eyes at my preschooler and I ran over to his table (it was at a restaurant) and bitched that kid out in front of his entire baseball team (did not get physical and actually I was really calm even though I was fuming inside) and made him apologize for being a racist and told him he better NEVER do that again to ANY other kid. I am REALLY sensitive to it. I was shaking in rage to see another kid, esp an older kid do that to MY 4 yr old and worse yet, the parents sitting around that saw this go down, didn't give a crap (this was in PA, the parents told the kid to, "just apologize already," basically to get rid of me), which made me even more mad. My DH grew up in an area with a few more asians and koreans tend to like to hang out with other koreans, so he had more exposure to other asians and a stronger sense of identity, esp since he didn't come to the US until he was in 2nd grade, and didn't deal with as much taunting as I did, so he isn't quite so sensitive to it. So, I understand the imbalance of your opinions on this situation, since I think that my DH and I would also disagree.

My opinion, having gone through this garbage myself and also identifying with you as being more, "american" than asian, is to call the school and tell them immediately what is going on. The bus drive most likely doesn't realize how serious the situation can get and that is why she is taking a more laid back approach to it. This needs to be nipped, right NOW. Do not let things fester and get worse, not only does it make it open season on your child, BUT his self esteem will take a big hit. I know, b/c my parents NEVER stood up for us (my brothers and I were all taunted for being asian), they told us that ppl were just, "jealous" (not sure what they were jealous of) of us and that is why they were teasing us and we should just ignore it. We still resent our parents for not having the courage to stand up for us, and after several yrs of teasing, we basically stopped telling our parents about it, since we knew they would not do anything about it anyway. It basically never really let up at my district from grades 2-12. My brothers got to go to private school, so the situation was vastly different for them, since there were a lot more asian kids at their school, while I was one of two asian kids in my class of 400. I really hated school.

Nip it now. Don't worry about your DH disagreeing. It's better to be safe than to be sorry and your job as his mom is to stand up for him and to make sure he doesn't go through the same crap you had to endure when you were a kid. :hug: I know it is hard. This topic always makes my chest tighten up and causes me so many painful memories. You'd think that racism would not be as big of an issue by now, but it's still very rampant, esp if you are asian in an area that has very few asians. Did you read the article recently about how asians are the #1 most bullied kids in the US? So, my opinion about this is that you need to take a stand, obviously it is not just your child, but many others going through this. The more parents that speak out, the more it will help to hopefully decrease the bullying toward asian kids.

[lil_acorn]

I would contact the teacher or principal if it persists. At our school, they do programs to teach kids the social skills - not being exclusionary, using I-statements, not bullying etc.

Thsi may be a case where the whole class could benefit from a discussion about different cultures and differences in people.

[kboyle]

my boys i am 100% filipino, dh is pretty much as irish as they come...all 3 of my boys look like me and i tell them if someone says something to just correct them, "No, i'm not Chinese/Japanese, I'm Filipino and Irish" I said if people kept making fun of him to ignore them, you know what you are, they're ignorant...Yes, I told my child this. If the it's taken a step further to more bullying then to tell teacher and me and we will handle the issue.

i grew up in the community that we currently live in. when i grew up there weren't that many Asians, it's primarily a white community. Now it's just a melting pot of all ethnicities, but again, there's still your typical ignorant a$$holes.

i always tell my dh, (like in OP) i never grew up thinking "Wow, I'm Asian" he laughs because i'll tell him that there's times i forget i'm not Caucasian. i grew up where my parents came straight from the Philippines, and spoke the language in the home all the time. I've been called every asian slur imaginable and generally let if roll off my back. People are ignorant. I have (and will continue to do for myself and family) stood up for my background. I am proudly Filipino, and will teach my kids to be proud of both their backgrounds. I kicked someone (a friend i actually grew up with who never made any rude comments to me) out of my house because he made an asian slur towards my kids...kicked him out and told him to not come back till he could apologize. I wouldn't have cared if he said it to me, i'd have some choice words and told him to go outside and hang out with Dh, but to my kids...WTF, get out!

i'd tell the teacher what's going on, activities and different lessons on cultures will open kids up to new things.

[creativelightbulb]

Our family is an Asian mix. I am Chinese and Filipino and DH is Vietnamese. Needless to say we look Asian. We live in a very American community where Asian people make up 1% of the population. As a family we only speak English. DH speaks Vietnamese with his parents and I speak Chinese with my family. In any case, we have raised our kids as they are kids. We do tell them they are Asian but they don't see themselves being different than their Caucasian friends, they do see a difference with say African American friends but we tell them it doesn't matter what color a person and he gets it. The odd/funny thing is my children really don't see themselves as Asian.

So DS1 comes home and tells us that some kids are teasing him and calling him Chinese and making fun of him and saying not very nice things. Of course he is upset and bothered. DH told him to ignore them...he doesn't want him tattle-tailing to the principle at school. I get that but at the same time I don't know if DS1 can handle it and ignore.

DH grew up around here so he dealt with it and came out ok. DS1 I dunno, he's a tough but sensitive guy depending on the situation. I grew up in Hawaii where culture never bothered me.

Any ideas what to tell him? I just don't want him to be teased or eventually bullied.

Oddly enough, as I live here in this region as well as being married to DH, we're more "American" than anything if that makes sense. Our parents are immigrants and we are first generation...my kids are second generation. We barely know our own heritage and language. Granted we are "Asian" but I hardly feel that way.

I will preface my comments by acknowledging that they might be unpopular given the responses from PP's. I thought about not posting but I feel I would be remiss by not at least sharing my (different) perspective.

I am negro, black, colored, African American, etc.

The black community is very socially and culturally diverse in this country. However a person's predisposed impression of me as a black woman has nothing to do with "my reality" but rather everything to do with their knowledge (or lack there of) of black American culture.

The highlighted OP statement above stood out to me. Particularly the part about "The odd/funny thing is my children really don't see themselves as Asian".

This is America and there is still a VERY large portion of our society that is culturally ignorant. So IMO, it really doesn't matter how kids "see" themselves. Instead they have to be taught how to manage how they are seen and perceived by others - no matter if it is "reality" or not. I think to do anything less is a disservice of sorts.

You'd think in 2011 this wouldn't be the case but it is...

[smiles33]

I will preface my comments by acknowledging that they might be unpopular given the responses from PP's. I thought about not posting but I feel I would be remiss by not at least sharing my (different) perspective.

I am negro, black, colored, African American, etc.

The black community is very socially and culturally diverse in this country. However a person's predisposed impression of me as a black woman has nothing to do with "my reality" but rather everything to do with their knowledge (or lack there of) of black American culture.

The highlighted OP statement above stood out to me. Particularly the part about "The odd/funny thing is my children really don't see themselves as Asian".

This is America and there is still a VERY large portion of our society that is culturally ignorant. So IMO, it really doesn't matter how kids "see" themselves. Instead they have to be taught how to manage how they are seen and perceived by others - no matter if it is "reality" or not. I think to do anything less is a disservice of sorts.

You'd think in 2011 this wouldn't be the case but it is...

:yeahthat: except that I am of Chinese descent. Frankly, the rhetoric of "color-blindness" often minimizes the reality that we are NOT THERE YET. I tell my girls that yes, we are all the same on the inside but we often look different and celebrate different holidays. It's hard to go deeper than that now with 2 and 5 year olds, but I don't want them to grow up ashamed of their racial or cultural heritage. FWIW, we are also "typical Americans" as we don't really celebrate Chinese holidays, nor do we emphasize how "awesome" Chinese history was (my dad was like the character in My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "Did you know that the Chinese invented paper? Did you know that the Chinese invented pasta and Marco Polo stole the idea to bring back to Italy?").

OP, I am sorry your son has faced this now. I expect it won't be the last time in his life that he will face it and I think if you can equip HIM with some tools to deal with it, he will fare better. Going into the classroom is incredibly helpful as it may teach some classmates important lessons, yet I also think he needs to be equipped with the language to respond or otherwise feel empowered.

I got picked on as a kid (despite growing up in an area where there was at least 10% Asians and now it's closer to 30% Asian in my childhood city) but I learned to talk back. It wasn't always effective (e.g. "Oh yeah? You just WISH you could be Chinese because at least my people have over 5,000 years of history!" wasn't that compelling to other little kids). But the fact is that I didn't feel like a powerless victim who had nothing to say back.

Finally, good luck navigating the school system process to file a formal complaint! I hope they will be responsive and have some ideas on how to handle this effectively. If not, then redouble your efforts to empower your children!

[hellokitty]

Smiles33, lol I couldn't help but laugh reading your last post. The whole part about your dad being the chinese version of the dad from MBFGW is pretty much the same way I would describe my dad, lol. You're right through, letting kids know that it is ok to talk back helps to empower them. I really wish my parents would have told us it was ok to talk and even fight back if needed. That was part of the problem, they kept telling us, "don't cause trouble, just ignore them!" We did what they told us to, and that basically fulfilled the stereotype of the wimpy asian kid who would never fight back.

[maestramommy]

Smiles33, lol I couldn't help but laugh reading your last post. The whole part about your dad being the chinese version of the dad from MBFGW is pretty much the same way I would describe my dad, lol. You're right through, letting kids know that it is ok to talk back helps to empower them. I really wish my parents would have told us it was ok to talk and even fight back if needed. That was part of the problem, they kept telling us, "don't cause trouble, just ignore them!" We did what they told us to, and that basically fulfilled the stereotype of the wimpy asian kid who would never fight back.

This is probably the reason for the stat you mentioned about Asians being the most prone to bullying. Stands to reason, right?

[hellokitty]

This is probably the reason for the stat you mentioned about Asians being the most prone to bullying. Stands to reason, right?

Yup. I have told my DH before that if my kids get into a figh due to someone bullying them, I have no problem with it with them standing up for themselves. I'm not saying it's the answer to everything, but unlike my parents, if my kids get into a fight, defending themselves, I would not give them grief about it (I know that if my brothers and I got into it with another kid, b/c the other kid was picking on us, my parents would blame us for it and tell us that we were wrong).

DS1 who is extremely gentle and non-confrontational got into a fight in preschool, and when I told my friends they were all shocked, b/c out of all the kids I know, he's the one ppl would least expect to get into a fight with anyone. One child in class was teasing him (I'm not sure about what, the teachers didn't notice the situation until it got physical), and DS ended up hitting the other kid back. Of course, I wasn't happy to hear that he did this, and we talked about the fact that he needed to tell the teachers (he said the teachers weren't paying attn and didn't hear him when he tried to tell them, once again I wasn't there, so don't have the full picture) if someone was bothering him. I have observed this other child being rather mean to other kids in class when I volunteered before, so this gave me some insight into why DS reacted the way he did. I have a feeling it was not the first time this boy had hassled him. Anyway, the other boy got upset once DS hit and denied doing anything to my son. The teachers didn't see what happened, the mom of the boy was upset with her boy (she seemed to assume her son had done something wrong). I was actually relieved that my son stood up for himself. He is so passive and total bully bait, out of my three, I worry about him the most, not only is he extremely passive, but he is small for his age, and kind of nerdy/quirky too. It sounds weird to say that I'm glad he fought back. It made me feel better to know that he is capable of fighting back if he needs to. Sometimes fighting back is necessary and then the bullies will leave you alone (and go pick on someone else). I'm not saying that it's the first line of defense, but sometimes it just needs to happen. The other boy never bothered my son again after that.

[maestramommy]

Hellokitty I totally agree with you. I know violence isn't the first option, but sometimes people just won't leave you alone otherwise. I had that happen to me. I got my butt kicked by someone 2 years older when I was in 4th grade. It was the one time I told my mom and she called the school right away. After that someone else in my grade started picking on me. I have no idea why as she was much smaller, but she was a rumored gang member, smoked after school and hung out with the "bad" kids. She picked a fight with another girl in the bathroom (these things always seemed to happen during bathroom breaks), then two weeks later came after me. Luckily it was relatively easy to overpower her. She left me alone after that.

I don't know what I would tell my kids if someone started bullying them. But they are so much smaller than their classmates, and seen as "nice," my gut would want to tell them to walk away if possible. But the moment they get hit, kicked, or whatever, hit back. DON'T stand there and take it. I just worry their personality won't allow it. Esp. Dora. She never even hits her sisters when they pull her hair, or hit her, or scratch, or anything. She just stands there and screams for them to stop. Sigh.

[smiles33]

Hellokitty: I'm sorry to hear your son was put in that situation but I completely agree that he needs to learn to defend himself. DH and I recently had this conversation where he pointed out that as the only small bookish Asian boy (he grew 5 inches in college!), he felt compelled to play sports to fit in with the others. He also mentioned being physically bullied/beat up. It broke my heart. I guess as a girl, I never knew boys were so physically cruel to one another. Sure, girls could ostracize and belittle other girls, but we never shoved people into toilets, banged them into the walls, etc.

[hoodlims]

I guess as a girl, I never knew boys were so physically cruel to one another. Sure, girls could ostracize and belittle other girls, but we never shoved people into toilets, banged them into the walls, etc.

Boys are so mean. I am Chinese and hubby is Caucasian and we have one daughter, but are not finding out the sex of our next kid. I wish for another girl, regardless of being Asian or not, for this very reason: boys are physically cruel toward each other. Even girls who are marginalized (nerdy, overweight, dorky) can find friends, but you often see these kind of boys all alone and picked on. I wouldn't know what to do as a parent if my poor boy was mistreated in that manner for being small, geeky, etc. Then I think I watch too much TV/read too many books about those boys turning out to be school shooters or criminals. This is just sad. I wish our society could be more tolerant, and it is sad that it is starting so early. It makes me wonder if all these child bullies are getting it from their parents, or if there are a couple whose parents are that way, and then the others (who have great parents) just go alone for the ride and are mean.

And Hello Kitty - I would do the exact same thing. If you are going about the right channels and NOBODY is protecting you, then you need to protect yourself. I must've been "-itchy Asian" in high school or something, because I never got teased after my elementary years.

[sweetsue98]

Hugs to your DS and family that have to deal with this. I was picked on alot as an asian child. I guess these days you can get picked on for just about everything...race, glasses, big feet etc. As other posters have said, you need to speak up about this before it gets worst. My biggest fear is my DD who is Chinese/Caucasion will be picked on in school. We live in a small town with about 5 different cultured families. I hope everything will resolve itself!

[Melanie]

Boys are so mean. I am Chinese and hubby is Caucasian and we have one daughter, but are not finding out the sex of our next kid. I wish for another girl, regardless of being Asian or not, for this very reason: boys are physically cruel toward each other. Even girls who are marginalized (nerdy, overweight, dorky) can find friends, but you often see these kind of boys all alone and picked on.

That has not been my experience as a child or as a parent. I hope it's not your children's experiences either, regardless of gender.

[hoodlims]

That has not been my experience as a child or as a parent. I hope it's not your children's experiences either, regardless of gender.

I hope not either, but as a high school teacher, I saw a lot of this, and it just scared me!