But You Should Hear What I Didn't Say!

[Raidra]

On another forum, I saw an avatar that said, "Oh, you were offended by my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself!" This reminded me of something I've been thinking about for a while, something I do, but others in my family do as well.

As an example, with my mother.. she has massive boundary issues, personality issues, etc, etc. Our relationship is.. fraught. It's pretty pointless to argue with her, though, so I usually keep my mouth shut unless I really need to say something--about the kids, usually. So sometimes I end up snapping at her. In the past, my dad would tell me off for it, and I'd say, "Look, I'm trying really, really hard to be polite and respectful. You should hear all the things I *don't* say!"

And of course, this comes up with the troubles my husband and I are having, too.. usually I try to avoid making snarky or mean-spirited comments, but sometimes one will slip out. He'll get all hurt and offended, and my reaction is to say, "Hey, if you think that was bad, you should hear all the stuff I'm thinking but don't say!"

So, anyway.. what do you think of that? Is it a valid defense? I know I use it (obviously), but when other people use that sort of line with me, it just.. annoying.

[roseyloxs]

I would be hurt if someone said that to me. Especially if it followed something hurtful already. Its hard to be nice in the heat of the moment. In the end it is less hurtful then what you probably would have said except its also less constructive.

[g-mama]

One time I was arguing with my dh and he said, "You have no idea how many times I bite my tongue instead of saying what I want to say and just walk away, shaking my head, to avoid an argument."

It really stung. I didn't realize that he felt that way and I felt embarrassed and hurt. I didn't like it at all.

[Edensmum]

No I think there are better ways to handle frustrations in relationships. If you have a regular silent dialog of negative comments running in your mind then there are real issues with these relationships that need to be addressed. If your mom has boundary issues, can't be reasoned with and you basically grin and bear it with her, spend less time together. Why are you putting yourself in that position over and over again? If she really crosses the line tell her you are taking a break and why.
With DH if you feel snarky and negative towards him a lot then you need to work on that relationship. Maybe counseling would help. I would find it really hurtful is DH was snarky and rude to me and if I thought he was thinking worse than he was saying I would loose trust.

[Raidra]

No I think there are better ways to handle frustrations in relationships. If you have a regular silent dialog of negative comments running in your mind then there are real issues with these relationships that need to be addressed. If your mom has boundary issues, can't be reasoned with and you basically grin and bear it with her, spend less time together. Why are you putting yourself in that position over and over again? If she really crosses the line tell her you are taking a break and why.
With DH if you feel snarky and negative towards him a lot then you need to work on that relationship. Maybe counseling would help. I would find it really hurtful is DH was snarky and rude to me and if I thought he was thinking worse than he was saying I would loose trust.

Well, we share a two family with my mother. While rudeness is never really justified, she has been a.. well, I don't want to say horrible person, but kind of.. for two years now. She had a good period over the summer, but is relapsing. Her boundary issues have been present since we had children. Unfortunately, I really can't back out of the relationship at this point.

And for my husband.. well, he has done some horrible things to me, and again, while I try to rise above the pettiness and snarkiness, he hasn't yet earned my respect, trust, etc.

I do agree with you all that it's hurtful to say that, and not constructive at all. I know that when I first started using that line, it was in response to my father chastising me (without my mother present) for my attitude with her, and I was legitimately trying to get him to understand that I was trying to be nice, but that her issues were just overwhelming my patience. FWIW, he has since stopped caring, since she's been just as mean and nasty to him, too.

[edurnemk]

I would be hurt if someone said that to me. Especially if it followed something hurtful already. Its hard to be nice in the heat of the moment. In the end it is less hurtful then what you probably would have said except its also less constructive.

:yeahthat: Honestly, it would be more hurtful to be told the person is thinking terrible things about me. I would not be relieved (if that's what you're going for) that the person didn't share those opinions, because just saying that they have worst things to say, says a lot.

[roseyloxs]

No I meant if what she was thinking was really so bad that she couldn't say it out loud then its probably more hurtful then saying she was holding back. I suppose its who you are saying it to and how low or high their self esteem it is. I can imagine someone with a very low self esteem would assume the worst about what you were thinking and it could potentially be worse then what you were actually thinking. Did that make any sense? It's getting late here and harder for me to get my thoughts out coherently.

[hoodlims]

I think the Thumper philosophy would apply here.

[wellyes]

My mom has been known to say stuff like that. My response is incredulity - she wants credit for not saying the meanest thing that pops into her head? I think we all restrain ourselves in agruments, as grownups and as people who care about each other.

[Pyrodjm]

So, anyway.. what do you think of that? Is it a valid defense? I know I use it (obviously), but when other people use that sort of line with me, it just.. annoying.

A valid defense for what? Keeping things that are hurtful to yourself MOST of the time and then when something slips out telling the person that you think of mean or hurtful things to say to them ALL of the time? :nodno: To me that's just adding more hurt.

Maybe try to say the things you need to say in the least hurtful way and NOT mentions the mean things you think.

[gatorsmom]

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Maybe try to say the things you need to say in the least hurtful way and NOT mentions the mean things you think.

I agree with this. I have a hard time biting my tongue sometimes. And I ALWAYS regret what I say. I've been learning to take a deep breath, slow down and actually say in the most objective manner possible, what I was thinking. So, for example instead of saying this:, "I can't believe you can't learn to put the toilet seat down. You are either stupid or insensitive" I try to phrase it in a way that tells exactly what I need. So, I'll say this instead, "could you please try harder to put the toilet seat down? Because when I get up in the middle of hte night to use the bathroom, I don't always turn the light on and end up sitting directly on the porcelain rim. I'd really appreciate it if you could remember to put it down." I find when I tell someone WHY I need them to do something for me and tell them EXACTLY what I want them to do, it goes over much better. So, you could maybe say something like this to your mom, "it really hurt me when you said x, y and z to me the other day. Please don't say that to me anymore because .....(and here you could say "because the kids overhear it, because I"m starting to dislike being around you, or because it is harming our relationship, etc.").

It has taken me years to be able to calm down in the heat of the moment and try to voice my feelings this way. But I"m getting better at it and it's helping me. I haven't regretted something I said for quite a while now. And that is such a good feeling!

[MamaMolly]

Lisa, I so appreciate where you're coming from. I'm also reactive talker and have my own share of regrettable moments where I wish I'd thought first and commented later.

OP, I think another component of the problem is that you bite your tongue and bite your tongue, and then it builds up and you have an outburst that is maybe out of proportion to the situation. I don't think keeping all that negativity in is good for you. Can you find a way to constructively vent?

Hugs hon, you've been through a lot. You have *every reason* to have snarky responses to any thing your DH says. I wish being justified made it ok, but IME being right isn't the be-all end-all some people think it is. You still have to live with yourself at the end of the day. KWIM?

Again, hugs. I think about you guys a lot. I'm rooting for you. :)