How to deal with constant whinyness?

[MoJo]

My 3 year old seems to be nearly always whiny these days. . . and it's driving DH nuts to the point he doesn't really want to be around her any more. He says he can handle the tantrums and the crying, just not the constant whining.

She just started preschool three months ago, and has probably only had five (at the most) fully healthy days since then. I think that's a huge source of her whinyness. And she misses me, which causes more.

I try to not respond to whines, except to say if she asks nicely she might get what she wants. I try to anticipate her whines and avoid them especially when DH is around (a typical stream might be "you didn't let me turn the light on. . .you didn't let me close the dryer. . . you didn't let me put detergent in the washer. . . LET ME LET THE DOG OUT! . . . DON'T TAKE MY BUNNY! (if she's afraid DH might drive my car with her bunny in it. She whines about this daily even though I think he's driven my car twice in the last three months) . . . DON'T LET THE DOG GET MY FOOD (he might if you leave it on the floor!)

Then of course there's the "SISTER TOOK MY DOLL" that I know is normal.

I've tried modeling the behavior that would get her what she wants. . . I've tried showing her what her whinyness sounds like . . . but at this stage, there's well above a 50% chance that the next thing out of her mouth is going to be a whine.

Does anyone have any suggestions? Because the only thing I can think of is pulling her from preschool so she wouldn't be sick all of the time, which is just not an option financially.

The only other thing that works somewhat is when I can give her 100% of my attention. That just doesn't happen much, and never happens in the evenings when DH is home.

[hillview]

Pick a script and stick to it. Mine is "try again" and "I can't hear you with that voice" sometimes I make it funny "oooh I hear a little tiny mouse squeeking but I can't understand what he wants"

On rare occasion I will send whiney people to their room til they can talk like a human.

It DOES pass. So keep that in mind :)

[wendibird22]

Pick a script and stick to it. Mine is "try again" and "I can't hear you with that voice" sometimes I make it funny "oooh I hear a little tiny mouse squeeking but I can't understand what he wants"

On rare occasion I will send whiney people to their room til they can talk like a human.

It DOES pass. So keep that in mind :)

:yeahthat:

Only my whiner is 4.5yo. She does it so often that I don't think she even knows she's doing it. It goes in phases. We are hoping this is a short phase.

[LMPC]

Pick a script and stick to it. Mine is "try again" and "I can't hear you with that voice" sometimes I make it funny "oooh I hear a little tiny mouse squeeking but I can't understand what he wants"


:yeahthat: LOL this must be where I got it from! Because this is what *I* do and I know that I didn't come up with this myself :tongue5:

[MoJo]

So, does this reduce whinyness at all? Or is it just how you address it until the stage passes?

[hillview]

So, does this reduce whinyness at all? Or is it just how you address it until the stage passes?

Hummm hard to say for sure. It sure kills the cycle of whine. Once my kids learn they don't get ANYTHING when they whine, a quick reminder sets them straight quickly. So while it doesn't remove ALL whine from my life, it seems like there is a lot less of it and also that it doesn't go on for very long. It is a bit of investment up front but one that I am happy we went with.

[Katigre]

I would have them rephrase what they said - not only the words, but also tone of voice (same goes for bossiness - I would say "That is not a respectful way to talk. Try again with a different tone of voice).

With a 3 yo, I would script them:

Ex. DD: (whine) "You didn't let me shut the dryer door!!!"
Mom: "Try again. "I am disappointed. I wanted to shut the dryer door."
DD rephrases it
Mom: "I know you are disappointed - next time you can shut it." (or something like that)

Basically, whining was never left to dangle - it was always addressed immediately with a different model of how to proceed.

I'd also look at any TV shows she watches and see if there is modeling of whining in them - kids pick up on and copy that, and if she's mimicking it from a character then I'd cut the show out for awhile.

[MoJo]

H is now saying that Jelly Bean is a brat and that I caused it and I need to fix it. My best friend thinks JB is becoming controlling. . . and that I need to stop it.

She doesn't watch TV except once a week at preschool, and hates that (so rarely watches.)

Her biggest thing to whine about is not getting to be with me. I'm really having a hard time with this. I DON'T give her what she wants when she whines. . . except when her whining gets her out of going with her dad because he doesn't want to deal with her. But I do have to re-script just about everything out of her mouth, and her worst whines are over fears that aren't even true (such as that I was going to drive a different car than the one she was in to go to the garage this morning.) DH says she shouldn't be whining at all, and I don't think that's realistic. And he thinks she should be punished every time she does so, so that she will stop. Although the last time he tried that, he got absolutely no where besides a lot more whining and crying.

I'm still looking for suggestions!

[hillview]

Honestly it isn't you I bet. It is the age + the child. Keep to a script. It takes a while to get past it. Make sure DC is eating and sleeping enough (common whine triggers). Practice NOT whining in a good moment. Have her "pretend" to ask nicely and you respond nicely. Make it a game, ask her to whine and don't give her what she wants (play tea party) have hear learn how it works that way. Don't give up and tell H to suck it up and join parenting :)

[MoJo]

Yeah, this morning when I got the lecture, JB hadn't eaten anything yet, and she always wakes up grumpy. I've discussed this with H several times, including today. (Normally, H leaves before we're up.) And best friend's kids are teens.

[MoJo]

Maybe I should be asking, "How do I help others have perspective on what is normal?"

I do like the tea party idea. . . she seems to respond best to the silliness of my whining back to her.

[Momit]

Hugs to you. My DS is a summer '08 baby and I feel your pain. I told my DH about this thread and he said "I just read an article about whining on the Parenting (or maybe Parents) mag app. Maybe your DH can check that out? Mine never reads entire parenting books like I do but he does read more since getting that app!

Your DD sounds like a normal toddler, not a brat. Keep dealing with it positively/constructively and it will pass.

[janine]

I feel your pain - I have a 3yr old (and a newborn) and the 3yr old is driving me crazy (not just the DH). In my case she has taken up screaming at the top of her lungs in order to get attention and nothing stops it (time outs, ignoring, reasoning, taking away treats). She particularly likes to do it when the baby is sleeping. Let me know if you find a tactic that works!

[maestramommy]

The only thing I have in my toolbox is to say, "use a normal voice." I say it for whining, crying, screaming and jumping up and down. I keep repeating myself and waiting for it.

[chiisai]

The whining is very hard for us, too.

DS is pretty much out of that phase (and in a whole new :banghead: phase), but, what worked for us was saying "I cannot understand a word you are saying when you talk like that." I think I may have even gotten the idea for that response on this forum. Anyway, once we tried it, it worked, and it worked every time, almost immediately. *whew*

GL!