Need feedback please- Asking guests at a surprise party to pay for their meal

[pharmjenn]

My sisters and I are starting to plan our mothers 70th birthday party in April. I had thought to have catered food brought in (we pick up and deliver) to a covered picnic area near playgrounds, and have us pay for it. We would supplement with food we made ourselves, cake and drinks. My mom is a big vinophile, so need to find someplace we are allowed alcohol. I thought the total cost would be around $15/pp, which we would split.

My sister asked why we didn't book a restaurant for a meal, and pay a corkage fee. Then have the guests pay for their meals, include this requirement in the invitation, and I assume have them pay us ahead of time. The cost per guest would likely be around $30. She likened it to her work Christmas party, or a group of people sharing a meal.

This strikes me as inappropriate, but I have asked some IRL friends and they think it is okay in this economy. It seems that if you can't afford to pay for your guests, you should change your plans.

Would love to hear some opinions.

[JBaxter]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

[hellokitty]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat:

[happymomma]

I think if the guests knew ahead of time it wouldn't be that bad. I think especially in this economy people are more understanding. However, if you can pay for it with a cheaper option, it might be nicer for the guests. I hope that helps.

[DietCokeLover]

I think if you are hosting a party, you should be responsible for paying for it.

[SnuggleBuggles]

No, I really don't like the idea. People would be understanding but I think you would be better off finding a way to cut costs. Come up with a plan that actually fits your budget, even if it is cake and drinks only later in the evening or mid-afternoon.

Beth

[ha98ed14]

This strikes me as inappropriate, but I have asked some IRL friends and they think it is okay in this economy. It seems that if you can't afford to pay for your guests, you should change your plans.

Would love to hear some opinions.

I agree with you. Your sister needs to adjust her expectations to fit the budget.

[vludmilla]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

I agree. I would not have the party if I could not afford to pay for it or I would scale it down to an affordable price. Guests traditionally bring gifts to a birthday party so they should not be expected to pay for their food as well.

[KLD313]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

I agree and I've never heard of anyone doing that.

[cvanbrunt]

I think if you are hosting a party, you should be responsible for paying for it.

:yeahthat:

[ABO Mama]

You don't ask guests to pay at a party.

[pinkmomagain]

Go with your gut. This is in poor taste.

[fauve01]

I think if you are hosting a party, you should be responsible for paying for it.

:yeahthat:

Could you have a potluck party at home instead? You guys supply the main meat (and cake!), then ask people to bring sides, etc.

[g-mama]

I just don't think you can throw a party and ask guests to pay money. I would not.

[mytwosons]

I agree with everyone else - scale back to have something you can afford to host.

As for your friends agreeing with your sister, I can't imagine anyone in your mother's generation not thinking it is tacky to have guests pay for their own dinner.

[urquie]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat:

[jenfromnj]

I think if you are hosting a party, you should be responsible for paying for it.

Another voice of agreement for this! Plus, you risk alienating friends/family members who may be on tight budgets and just can't swing paying for the meal and a gift.

FWIW, a friend's boyfriend did something similar about 4 years ago for the friend's birthday--we all felt obligated to come to the party, but people weren't really fond of it at all.

[HIU8]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat:

If you are hosting a party you simply don't ask guests to pay for their meals. My sister did this for my BIL's birthday. In addition to letting everyone know they would be splitting the cost of BIL's meal. We declined as did most of the guests.

[Melaine]

Yikes! No.

[BayGirl2]

How many people? Is this a party - party or just a group of close friends getting together for dinner?

I ask because among our friends we used to get together around people's birthdays at a restaurant. It was assumed we would all pay for ourselves and chip in for the birthday persons meal. I think this is totally appropriate if all the friends are in agreement and it rotates around over the course of the year. This generally applies with a small group of close friends.

However if its a very large group of acquaintances I agree with PP's, it will be complicated and awkward for guests to pay for themselves. I think it can be done, especially if its a price-fixed type of meal like a buffet or Chinese banquet, but it really needs to be part of the culture or could offend.

[infomama]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.
:yeahthat:

[LD92599]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat:

It's different being invited to a party vs a group of friends going out, casually, for a birthday.

Tacky.

[LexyLou]

I agree with everyone else. I would be pretty offended if I received and invite to a party with a fee.

As the hostesses, you are responsible for the cost of the party. So I would suggest doing the park thing, or something that you guys are more comfortable paying for.

[Kungjo]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

I agree. If I were to ask guests to come celebrate my mom's b-day, I would expect to pay for it. If I couldn't afford to pay for it, I would scale it down to fit my budget.

[ha98ed14]

I agree. I would not have the party if I could not afford to pay for it or I would scale it down to an affordable price. Guests traditionally bring gifts to a birthday party so they should not be expected to pay for their food as well.

ITA, but I have a question: Is there an exception to this "rule" for baby shower brunches given at restaurants? I've been invited to one and the "hosts" told us in the invite to be prepared to pay for our own brunch and to please kick in for space and mom-to-be's meal. Thoughts?

[fivi2]

ITA, but I have a question: Is there an exception to this "rule" for baby shower brunches given at restaurants? I've been invited to one and the "hosts" told us in the invite to be prepared to pay for our own brunch and to please kick in for space and mom-to-be's meal. Thoughts?

You know, this thread had me thinking...

A friend was pregnant with not her first child. A group of us were talking about taking her out to brunch. We did invite a couple of other people to join us, tried not to call it a "shower" and fully expected everyone to pay their own way. We tried to phrase it as "let's all go out in honor of the mom/baby" and not "come to this shower I am hosting." And just sent out a group email, not an invitation... But it is possible someone was confused (and thought we were tacky). In reality it was a small group of friends and probably okay...

But I can see where it can be tricky if it is a group deciding to go out for someone and inviting others to join them vs. one group throwing a party and being expected to pay for it as hosts.

I don't think this applies to OP's situation. I think you need to pay and I think your mom would be embarrassed if guests paid their own way.

[wellyes]

ITA, but I have a question: Is there an exception to this "rule" for baby shower brunches given at restaurants? I've been invited to one and the "hosts" told us in the invite to be prepared to pay for our own brunch and to please kick in for space and mom-to-be's meal. Thoughts?
Uber tacky. Especially the part about paying for the space as well as their meal!

[zag95]

If you host, you should pay.

For my mom's 60th, we did much of the cooking. For my parent's 40th we had it catered.

If you can't swing big expenses, just do wine and nibbles and cake.

[ha98ed14]

I don't think this applies to OP's situation. I think you need to pay and I think your mom would be embarrassed if guests paid their own way.

I agree. For birthdays, there is a pretty obvious line. Same for a baby or bridal shower hosted at a private home. The hosts pick up the cost for food, etc. But the whole baby-shower-brunch thing had me wondering...

[Corie]

I think if you are hosting a party, you should be responsible for paying for it.


:yeahthat:

[Staraglimmer]

In my opinion, it would be tacky to ask people to pay. It isn't as if it is a Christmas party. It is a party for your mother. If you can't afford to pay for the meals, I would make it really small so that you could afford to pay or just people you felt comfortable asking to split the cost. I would NEVER ask for people to pay anything on an invitation.

Could you get a menu of appetizers from a restaurant? Some will do a stand up type party for much less.

Good luck! It is really nice of you guys to try to surprise your mom. I hope everything goes well!


-Stephanie
Mommy to Hailey Michelle 4/08
& a new addition due 6/12

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat:

i think the only situation where guests paying for their meals is OK is when it something super-casual and is mostly with acquaintances/coworkers or something (like a work shower or birthday dinner done for coworker.. invites done by email/evite or something). for a big milestone birthday party, where invitations are mailed out and all..especially for someone older (more traditional), i'm pretty sure asking close friends/family to pay for their meals would be percieved as pretty tacky. i personally would be mortified if my own children threw me a party and asked guest to pay! i'd rather get a scaled-down version of a party.

[Staraglimmer]

ITA, but I have a question: Is there an exception to this "rule" for baby shower brunches given at restaurants? I've been invited to one and the "hosts" told us in the invite to be prepared to pay for our own brunch and to please kick in for space and mom-to-be's meal. Thoughts?

That is just about the tackiest thing I have heard of in my life. It would never fly here. You would have a big empty room. If you can afford the food/space, have it at your house. If your house isn't big, cut your list or ask someone else to host. I don't want to offend anyone, I guess things are different in different places. I just can't imagine asking people to pick up the tab for a party.


-Stephanie
Mommy to Hailey Michelle 4/08
& a new addition due 6/12

[Melaine]

ITA, but I have a question: Is there an exception to this "rule" for baby shower brunches given at restaurants? I've been invited to one and the "hosts" told us in the invite to be prepared to pay for our own brunch and to please kick in for space and mom-to-be's meal. Thoughts?

My thoughts are that is also completely rude. I would decline any such invitation out of social horror.

[mctlaw]

Yes, I agree with the overwhelming majority here that you should not ask the guests to foot their own bill for such a party.

Regarding the bridal shower somewhat spinoff question, I agree that is also tacky as the scenario was posed. However, I wanted to differentiate with a scenario I have seen several times which is in my opinion totally ok: that is group of girlfirends deciding informally in advance to have a tea, luncheon, or whatever for the bride or mother to be, and agreeing in advance that they will pay for themselves and the guest of honor. I have seen this done several times, have participated, and think it is fine. However, it wouldn't be the kind of event to which I would use invitations.

[moosemama]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat: Why not have a wine and cheese and/or wine and chocolate party instead? Maybe even at a local vineyard?

[pharmjenn]

Thanks so much for everyones honest opinions. I am glad my gut feeling wasn't wrong. My moms best friend thought it would be okay, she is probably in her late 50's, but still was uncomfortable. I think going for a mid afternoon event with just wine/cheese etc would be best.
We still need to find a place to host it, as my Mom's house is tiny, as is my sisters, and I live too far away to host. I think a pavilion in a park is the cheapest, or a meeting room as the second option, but need to figure out alcohol requirements.
We are going to foot part of the bill by forgoing xmas gifts among the 4 kids (only give the grandchildren gifts, not the adults) That will automatically start us out with a set amount.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Is she/ are you part of a church? That might be an affordable venue.

Beth

[pinkmomagain]

Thanks so much for everyones honest opinions. I am glad my gut feeling wasn't wrong. My moms best friend thought it would be okay, she is probably in her late 50's, but still was uncomfortable. I think going for a mid afternoon event with just wine/cheese etc would be best.
We still need to find a place to host it, as my Mom's house is tiny, as is my sisters, and I live too far away to host. I think a pavilion in a park is the cheapest, or a meeting room as the second option, but need to figure out alcohol requirements.
We are going to foot part of the bill by forgoing xmas gifts among the 4 kids (only give the grandchildren gifts, not the adults) That will automatically start us out with a set amount.

VFW halls are often inexpensive options. Also some firehouses have event space...not sure if they rent out to anyone or only those with a connection to a fireman.

[artvandalay]

I think its tacky to invite someone then ask them to pay for their own meal. I would decline.

:yeahthat: Absolutely.

[WatchingThemGrow]

Could you, instead, have a potluck or ask one of her closer friends who may have a larger home to consider helping to honor your mother by hosting if you guys do all the prep/cleanup? Does anyone live in a neighborhood with a clubhouse where it could be held?

[FTMLuc]

I think if you are hosting a party, you should be responsible for paying for it.

:yeahthat: and I agree with everyone else that it would be extremely tacky. Especially for a celebration of a birthday milestone. If you inviting people to a celebration to honor your mom, you should foot the bill. It does not have to be fancy, but the guests should not be expected to pay.

You also have to take into account your audience. I am presuming you are invinting your mother's friends, which are of her generations, and they would find this in poor taste. Bunch of college students - not so much.

The suggestion of renting out a clubhouse from an apartment or a condo colmplex is a great one. Usually these places do not have any restrictions on serving alcohol to your guests.

[sweetsue98]

ITA, but I have a question: Is there an exception to this "rule" for baby shower brunches given at restaurants? I've been invited to one and the "hosts" told us in the invite to be prepared to pay for our own brunch and to please kick in for space and mom-to-be's meal. Thoughts?

Really? I think that is tacky and probably would just send a gift.

[kristenk]

The community center in my town has a few different rooms that they rent out for parties and events. There are some in the community center, but there are a few others around town. You might want to check with the communities in your area to see if any have something like that. They're not fancy, but they have a kitchen area (sink and refrigerator) and lots of tables and chairs and you can decorate as much as you prefer.

[american_mama]

Different situation, but you might find a range of responses here about another instance where someone was asked to share a meal. I confess, I only re-read the first 2/5 pages.

http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=373583&highlight=chinese+restaurant

[lil_acorn]

Yikes! No.
:yeahthat:

[tiapam]

I would think long and hard about the guest list. i think smaller is better. Your mom can only talk to so many people in a few hours anyway. I would cut back that way. I think dinner or lunch sounds more celebratory than wine and some bits, JMHO! actually i think lunch parties are much cheaper at many restaurants.