"stupid mommy" and other adventures

[hillview]

So what do you do when DC calls you "Stupid mommy"? DSs have started to do this from time to time. DS1 does it under his breath when I send him to his room or if some "unfair" thing has been done to him but it is pretty rare. DS2 on the other hand says it for well unclear reasons. Today it was because I helped him after he got stuck in the minivan coming over the third row of chairs to the "trunk" which I didn't want him to do in the first place.

So ... what do you do? I need a strategy that I go with. DS2 is 4 and super sweet except when he is not which seems to be more often then I'd like.

tia
/hillary

[Elilly]

That word is a bad word in our house. So, I have not been called that but I have been called, "mean". It usually involves the said child going to his/her room to have some "thinking time" and then we discuss why they felt that way and reacted as such. Then, we would do a "role play" where we reinact the drama in a more positive fashion.

[hillview]

OH it is a bad word in our house too. Like not allowed. Except it is happening! :)

ETA I like the role playing. That might work. Thanks!

[TwinFoxes]

Uh, cry? This is one of those things that as a mom of preschoolers it's hard to think about, although I know it will happen someday. I'm still "the best mommy in the whole world". :D

So no advice, but :hug:

[daisymommy]

In our house, I would talk about how that word makes people (including myself) feel very sad and bad in our hearts, and that it is not okay to call people stupid. Then there would be a consequence (loss of privilege, doing a chore they really dislike, etc.). And there would be a consequence each and every time.

I've actually had my 9 year old write sentences before. That usually stops a behavior ;)

[khalloc]

My 6 yo DD is starting to do this alot. If I dont understand what she is talking about, or what show she wanted to watch on TV...she will just break down and tell me I am SOOOO stupid! Argh! I would love to curb this as well.

[arivecchi]

My 4 year old is also a sweet boy but he gets very frustrated at times. Once, he said some really inappropriate things to our sitter because he was frustrated and he got the mother of all time-outs. No ipad for a week (he was hooked at the time - now he rarely uses it thanks to this episode), time-out in his room for an hour and a huge long discussion about the fact that our sitter might leave if he said something like that again. I think he was so overwhelmend about the combination of "punishments" that he really got the fact that speaking like that was a huge no-no. That was about 4 months ago and not a word like that since. If I see that he is heading down that path again (via tone or words), I ask him whether he needs to speak like that and he immediately gets it now. I think this might have not worked for DS2 who is more challenging, but making a huge fuss out of it that one time has definitely worked in terms of his attitude, tone and language.

[Minnifer]

Uh, cry? This is one of those things that as a mom of preschoolers it's hard to think about, although I know it will happen someday. I'm still "the best mommy in the whole world". :D

Wow, you're pretty lucky - my 3.5 yo has been calling me mean mommy and drawing angry pictures about me for a couple of months now. ("stupid" is a "grown up word" in our house too like some PPs mentioned)

:hug: OP. And watching this thread for suggestions!

[hillview]

OK well we had a family chat and told everyone it was against the rules to call names and then DS called me "stupid mommy" and he lost a toy forever. Let's see if this works and gets his attention enough to put an end to it. Thanks to all of you for your replies, it gave me some things to think about. While I was thinking name calling isn't allowed in our house it CLEARLY is because it happens. So I am trying a tougher approach to see if that works. Or DS2 may have no toys by Christmas time (just in time for Santa!). Anyway thanks all, you gave me some good ideas and things to think about.
/hillary

[brittone2]

Lately DH tends to handle this better than I do. My DD will do this type of thing from time to time (better as of late). Your DS2 is still quite young and you mentioned in the other thread he was tired. Does it typically happen when he's tired or hungry? I know for my DD that is almost always the case.

We usually say, "it sounds like you are frustrated about..." or "you are angry we wouldn't let you...." and say, "say it like this. Say Mommy, I'm MAD that you won't let me XYZ!" (scripting what you deem a more appropriate way to speak). I know for my DD, this stuff almost always happens shortly before bedtime when she's cranky and tired and can't control herself or her emotions well anymore, and that's my signal bedtime needs to be moved up a bit.

IME 2nd and subsequent children seem to learn this earlier than their older siblings did at the same age, but don't have the maturity to know how to keep it quiet, in their heads, or avoid saying it altogether. It ends up being an immature way to get out powerful feelings..I think it seems like they are saying .i'm super ticked, and saying *this* really gets the adults to know it! That's why I like the idea of scripting. Help them get it out in more appropriate words, kwim? At one point I was better about this. DH is consistently good about handling it via scripting or other means.

Sometimes playful parenting works here, especially if they are very tired and cranky. Just deflect and don't give it power. Call me stupid, but don't call me frumplerumplefeathers, or else! That seems to work better for us before they hit the full out meltdown mode ;) Depending on how it is being used and the way they are feeling, that won't always work well, but sometimes it is nice to have as an option.

[hillview]

Thanks Brit -- you always have great advice. I did state for him "you feel so sad about losing your toy" but I didn't tell hil how to say that (so validating without scripting). I tried for a while to blow off the name calling but it has gotten worse which is lousy. Thanks!

[hellokitty]

I feel for you. DS2 is my kid who always says, things like, "You're a stupid head." Everything is "_____ head." We struggle with this a lot too. We talk about it. I ask him if he would like it if someone called him that name. Of course, he says no, but still he continues to do it. He gets time out for it, has lost privileges, but his way of lashing out is either to throw an insult at you or to throw/hit/kick something.

[Cuckoomamma]

We have a sit down discussion about how inapproprate it is. One of those, "you and me sitting on the bed or couch staring into each other's eyes situation". I'd probably do it with your older first and tell him that he's teaching his brother how to behave. Unless he likes having someone call him stupid, he needs to consider his actions. My older taught my younger lots of things she regrets :wink2: I'd include all the issues like lack of respect and how we treat people in our house.

At a separate point I'd have a conversation with your younger.

I find the conversations have way more impact if they're done when I'm completely calm and we're getting along well, not necessarily when the situation occurs They really listen and feel bad about what they've done. Otherwise they spend a lot of time being defensive. I'd certainly tell them what they did was unacceptable at the time, but save the Talk, for that night or the next day, or even a few days. They're not going to forget what they've done. They know it's wrong.

We haven't had to pull anything from our girls, and they aren't even remotely kids who are out of control. (They're 10.5 and 6.5)

For me, it always comes down to a discussion about how others may act that way, but they also have parents who act like X. If they want to have considerate, loving, respectful parents like us, they need to follow the same boundaries. I talk about very clear examples of their wonderful lives and the less wonderful lives of some other people.

I've always spoken to them this way, it's not just because they're older. I feel that if they don't respect you when they're young, they won't respect you when they're older. I believe that you need them to act respectfully because they care what you think, not out of fear of losing something. When they get older, there won't be anything to take from them.