How to pull down a wall?

[BabyBearsMom]

I think I am losing my mind. DH and I wanted to get pregnant badly when we got pg with this baby. And we were ecstatic when it happened. Then we started having the two severe bleeding episodes. Having lived through a prior miscarriage, I started mentally separating myself from the baby. I essentially mentally prepared myself as if we were having a miscarriage. I convinced myself that DD was all I really needed and a second baby would just ruin the good thing we have with our little family of 3.

Well here we are, 18 weeks in and I should be relieved. We are closing in on viability, the likelihood of miscarriage is shrinking, and my doctors seem relieved and very positive about the baby. But now I can't reconnect with the baby. DH is trying to re-engage me, but when he asks about plans for the nursery, my thoughts are "the baby can sleep in the pack n' play for a while." He asked if I wanted to go double stroller shopping (and I :heartbeat: stroller shopping) and I said "no, that can wait." I don't even want to have a sprinkle for the baby. We have the detailed u/s next week and people keep saying "Oh you must be so excited" or "do you think its a boy or a girl" and I am feeling so blah about it. I don't feel like I even want to know the gender, because I feel like turning "it" into a "he" or "she" will make it more real and I am afraid to make it real. DH thinks that the detailed ultrasound will help me snap out of this and will get me excited again, and I hope he is right. But, now, I am really starting to worry that I will never be able to connect with this baby. I love DD so much, she is the world to me, and I feel like I won't be able to do this with the new baby.

Any advice on how to pull down this wall? I want to get emotionally involved in this pregnancy again, I just don't know how.

[elektra]

All that sounds completely normal to me. I have a long time friend who had a lot of infertility problems, including several miscarriages, and when she finally got pregnant with her twins (they are now a year old) she didn't want any kind of shower or even discussion of the pregnancy. I didn't blame her at all- it's natural to want to protect yourself.
I also remember thinking that there was no way I could love another child like I loved DD. I just couldn't fathom it. But it definitely happened. I would try to give yourself and break and not try to force a "connection" with your pregnancy at this point. I mean I wouldn't be going on rollercoasters and consuming mass quantities of adult beverages but I think it's fine to not want to be planning showers and strollers yet. What matters is that you connect with your baby when he/she arrives.

[infocrazy]

I think you are being entirely reasonable. I totally understand. I was like that for DD's pregnancy for the longest time. We didn't even tell MOST people until we had the 20 wk u/s because of everything that happened with DS3 (20wk/us showed issue and he was born sleeping at 22wks). Once we had her u/s, and we knew she was looking healthy, I was able to enjoy the pregnancy and begin bonding with her. I didn't really feel safe until I was holding her though.

We are expecting again now and I'm still a little on edge. I am not terribly superstitous but we have 2 angels and three kids, so I'm a little nervous that the odds are against us so to speak. We have our u/s in mid Dec and have only told a few people IRL because I am pretty nervous...well and I expecting "comments" about having another child when people think we are already a big family...

I think you have totally normal feelings at this point, and just hope that the u/s and time help you.

[BabyBearsMom]

I think you are being entirely reasonable. I totally understand. I was like that for DD's pregnancy for the longest time. We didn't even tell MOST people until we had the 20 wk u/s because of everything that happened with DS3 (20wk/us showed issue and he was born sleeping at 22wks). Once we had her u/s, and we knew she was looking healthy, I was able to enjoy the pregnancy and begin bonding with her. I didn't really feel safe until I was holding her though.

We are expecting again now and I'm still a little on edge. I am not terribly superstitous but we have 2 angels and three kids, so I'm a little nervous that the odds are against us so to speak. We have our u/s in mid Dec and have only told a few people IRL because I am pretty nervous...well and I expecting "comments" about having another child when people think we are already a big family...

I think you have totally normal feelings at this point, and just hope that the u/s and time help you.

:grouphug: Just huge hugs to you. You are one strong momma and lots of PT for that new little baby.

[mommylamb]

First of all, you are going to be an awesome mommy to this baby. This is one thing I know for certain. :hug: Even if you hadn't been through all the roller coaster stuff with this pregnancy, I think it would be normal to feel this way. It's just different when you're pregnant with your second child because it's hard to really wrap your mind around how you could love anyone else as much as you do your first. I feel that way all the time. I also feel like I've been a lot less involved in this pregnancy than I was with DS. It has gone by so much faster and I just don't even think about it all the time. It's totally normal, especially considering how you're mentally protecting yourself, for you to feel less attached and less connected.

Maybe you'll feel more connected after the ultrasound, and maybe you won't. If you don't, that's not a personal failing. But maybe it will be easier once you know the gender because you can start thinking of him/her as someone with a name. You will love this baby when he/she gets here. Protecting yourself is understandable.

Just know that you are loved.

[roseyloxs]

Take care of yourself and the rest will come later when you are ready. :hug:

[swissair81]

During my last pregnancy, I didn't reconnect until about 24-28 weeks. I was too busy protecting myself. We don't buy things before the birth anyway, but I wouldn't have even if I normally would have. I didn't even tell my own siblings-in-law (who I am super close with) until 20 weeks and that was only because my husband told them and had them ask me about it ( I was so mad).

[amldaley]

I have no advice except to say, "Be easy on yourself". I think lots of mama's go through different phases and feelings. It is normal and probably due to hormones and fatigue, etc. And I do know what you mean about not being sure you can be as close to the child as you are with #1. I think lots of moms feel that way, but I have to hope it goes away once #2 is in your arms!

So, maybe just making you laugh a little is in order.

I am super out of it last week and this week. Fricking exhausted out of it.

I saw the title of this thread and thought you MUST be talking about nesting and how to pull down a wall to make a room bigger and what would be the safest way to do that.

When I read your OP, I totally could not focus on what you were saying and kept wondering..."when does she get to the part about the wall?"

:duh:

[BabyBearsMom]

When I read your OP, I totally could not focus on what you were saying and kept wondering..."when does she get to the part about the wall?"

:duh:


Given that we live in a townhouse, our neighbors might have an issue with that.

[amldaley]

Given that we live in a townhouse, our neighbors might have an issue with that.

Yeah, I'm thinkin' you might be right. :)

[Giantbear]

Stop trying to pull down the wall and let it come down naturally.

[MontrealMum]

:hug: I think that what you're feeling is perfectly normal considering the issues you'd had, both past and present, with pregnancy. Be gentle with yourself, it will come.

[arivecchi]

Even if you hadn't been through all the roller coaster stuff with this pregnancy, I think it would be normal to feel this way. It's just different when you're pregnant with your second child because it's hard to really wrap your mind around how you could love anyone else as much as you do your first. :yeahthat:

Can I be perfectly honest? I hate being pregnant and do not "connect" with my kids until they are a couple of months old. :bag I also had an even harder time connecting with DS2 because I was mourning my life with DS1 as an only kid. They are perfectly normal emotions IMO. Just take care of yourself and things will happen naturally when you are ready. :grouphug:

[sste]

I completely agree with arivechi and other posters. This is a natural HELPFUL protection mechanism. Just go with it for now.

I am another one that doesn't bond during pregnancy OR right in the delivery room or even in the early weeks. With both of my pregnancies the babies were whisked away for medical reasons and it was basically DH and I clinging to each other in a panic about what had happened to me, my recovery, etc. Not that we didn't care about our babies . . . quite the opposite. But DH and I both had a much longer relationship with me and making sure I was OK was the first priority to us. As I think it needs to be.

Focus on taking care of you right now - - you have been through alot already with this pregnancy. And I would suggest moving the focus away from bonding with the baby/pregnancy to trying to carve out some enjoyment of the pregnancy for you. Have you treated yourself to a fabulous maternity dress? A prenatal massage? Any relatives you can leave DD with for a weekend for a mini babymoon? Start planning mama!

[Melaine]

I am about a month behind you. I haven't had any losses but I have a lot of anxiety. It's hard for me to think or say ANYTHING about the baby without following it up by a "if the Baby is ok" in my head. I have done some shopping and that definitely helped me think about it a bit more. But I agree with pps, it's nothing to worry about that you feel this way. It makes sense and sounds perfectly fine. I have no doubt you will connect to the baby, and I don't think it's a problem if it's not yet. I would just do your best to rest and stay healthy. I am also thinking after Christmas the REAL baby planning will hit for me, because we will just be so busy between now and then.

[carolinamama]

I had 2 m/c between my boys. The second one was particularly difficult being later and due to a chromosomal problem that caused more problems. When I got pregnant with DS2, I didn't connect with him until closer to the end of pregnancy. It was just too hard. You aren't alone - it isn't too unusual. Give yourself a chance and don't stress about it too much. :grouphug:

[daniele_ut]

I'm just chiming in to voice my agreement that your feelings really are normal. I wish I had an answer as to *how* you really reconnect, though. I'm 32 weeks into a very complicated pregnancy (complete placenta previa and placenta accreta) that means a dangerous delivery for me and possibly for the baby. I already have a hard time with each pregnancy since we lost our oldest DD at 27 weeks because of a rare birth defect, but the cloud hanging over this pregnancy has been hard to see through. One thing that did help was a surprise 4D ultrasound that I got at one of my high risk doc appointments a few weeks ago. Seeing the baby's face and how much he resembles DD2 really brought things to a better place for me.

[llama8]

I had a 17 week missed miscarriage in my 1st pregnancy that I found out about at the 20 week ultrasound (no heartbeat...no reasons why). I was devastated.

With my 2 healthy pregnancies after, I had a wall. I didn't want to talk about the baby or get excited because I felt something bad would happen. I can tell you that the minute I saw both of my babies, the wall was gone and I was the happiest person ever.

The wall is a defense mechanism to handle trauma or stress, not an actual feeling of not wanting the baby.

[ShanaMama]

I saw the title of this thread and thought you MUST be talking about nesting and how to pull down a wall to make a room bigger and what would be the safest way to do that.

When I read your OP, I totally could not focus on what you were saying and kept wondering..."when does she get to the part about the wall?"


I had the same reaction & didn't even attribute it to nesting! I was wondering why you posted about construction in the pregnancy forum!

I will join the chorus that says go easy on yourself. I think your feelings are totally understandable with your circumstances & within the realm of normal even for someone who hasn't had any losses. This is my third healthy pregnancy (thank G-d) but I am completely not bonding with the baby. I hate to say it but I feel so horrible that I actually hate the baby a little bit. (Not really...) When I'm nauseaus & overcome by excruciating heartburn & this little booger starts kicking, instead of that pleasant feeling of 'that's my baby moving around inside' I feel like 'please baby, can't you just give me a break?!'
I don't even know how to react to all the people who ask me just how excited I am & in particular the coworker who was so excited that she became emotional while probing over & over again just how excited I was when I found out. (She seemed to assume that we had been trying for at least three years, cuz that's when my last one was born!) I don't know what to tell these people. Right now, I can't tap into any excitement. I knew I'd feel horrible & chose this anyway. I want another baby & I pray for its health & wellbeing. But I can't get excited until I am in labor & close to ending this pregnancy! Of course, I feel guilty for feeling this way but I really try to leave the guilt at the door. It's so pointless & wastes so much energy.

[Simon]

Can I be perfectly honest? I hate being pregnant and do not "connect" with my kids until they are a couple of months old. :bag I also had an even harder time connecting with DS2 because I was mourning my life with DS1 as an only kid. They are perfectly normal emotions IMO. Just take care of yourself and things will happen naturally when you are ready. :grouphug:

:yeahthat:

I always feel this is a rather taboo thing to say, but I don't feel connected during pregnancy at all. I wanted all my boys and I love parenting, but I don't feel any intense sort of feelings for my unborn children.

Dh knows this and is cool with it, but I have had interesting reactions when I have made it perfectly clear, while in labor at the hospital, that I don't want to hear any of that sappy, do it for the baby! its all worth it for the baby! cr^p because I really, truly, don't give a damn at that moment.

Now, to contradict the part where I agree that this is totally in the range of normal feeligns. I will also say that you should consider the possibility of depression. Do you have a history of PPD? The P in PPD can stand for Pre. It can happen during pregnancy and not just after. I had several long talks and extra depression screenings in my last pg because it was a very stressful time and my MW were concerned.

[daisymommy]

Hugs mama. The time will come.
I think it's totally normal given what you have gone through. I'm sure I would have done the exact same thing, and feel the same way. I'm pretty bad about putting up emotional walls when it comes to painful situations, so I understand.

I haven't had any scares with this pregnancy, but as you may know, it was a total surprise, and I really wanted to be done with my 3. So, I'm right there with you in feeling blah and ambivalent right now about things. I don't want anything to happen to the baby, heavens no. But I'm really not interested in thinking about the nursery, or baby shopping, or anything else. But I do believe that after seeing the 20wk. ultrasound, I will start to turn a corner. Hopefully! And I hope that is true for you too.

Sending peaceful, connectedness vibes your way!

[BabyBearsMom]

:Now, to contradict the part where I agree that this is totally in the range of normal feeligns. I will also say that you should consider the possibility of depression. Do you have a history of PPD? The P in PPD can stand for Pre. It can happen during pregnancy and not just after. I had several long talks and extra depression screenings in my last pg because it was a very stressful time and my MW were concerned.

DH and I have talked about this. I didn't have even a smidge of PPD with DD. I was elated with every little thing she did. My family has a history of depression, but I've never really had depression. I did struggle with an eating disorder when I was in college and part of my treatment involved some anti-depressants which I hated taking (they made me very zombie like, and completely devoid of emotion). I don't have any of the classic PPD thoughts, nothing suicidal or that my family would be better off without me etc. It is definitely something we aren't sure about though. I am probably going to talk to my midwife about it at my next appointment.



Focus on taking care of you right now - - you have been through alot already with this pregnancy. And I would suggest moving the focus away from bonding with the baby/pregnancy to trying to carve out some enjoyment of the pregnancy for you. Have you treated yourself to a fabulous maternity dress? A prenatal massage? Any relatives you can leave DD with for a weekend for a mini babymoon? Start planning mama!

Sadly, prenatal massages are on the restricted activity list. No yoga (which I loved when pg with DD), no massages, no DTD with DH...all the fun stuff! DH and i were planning a trip out of down for DH's 30th birthday in March, but since I am at a risk of preterm delivery right now, my OB recommended that we hold off on planning that for now and reassess in a few months.

[sste]

Oh my, no wonder you are feeling a little bit in a funk!!

How about a facial and pedicure? Great new dress? Babymoon in-town in the city proximate to a hospital - - now that I live in the suburbs I am psyched about the idea of a weekend in the big city!

Also, have you seen a MFM? That list sounds VERY restrictive (particularly the yoga part?) and I wonder if it is evidence-based? I know that bed-rest for example is generally not evidence-based - - in most cases OBs just order it but there is no evidence for most pregnancy problems that it is ordered for that it actually works. I wonder if that may be the case for at least some of this long list of no-nos you are describing. IME midwives and OBs tend to be more likely to restrict activity and order bedrest out of fear really whereas maternal fetal medicine doctors spend all their time dealing with high risk pregnancies and they often are more familar with the data and less reactive.

[BabyBearsMom]

Oh my, no wonder you are feeling a little bit in a funk!!

How about a facial and pedicure? Great new dress? Babymoon in-town in the city proximate to a hospital - - now that I live in the suburbs I am psyched about the idea of a weekend in the big city!

Also, have you seen a MFM? That list sounds VERY restrictive (particularly the yoga part?) and I wonder if it is evidence-based? I know that bed-rest for example is generally not evidence-based - - in most cases OBs just order it but there is no evidence for most pregnancy problems that it is ordered for that it actually works. I wonder if that may be the case for at least some of this long list of no-nos you are describing. IME midwives and OBs tend to be more likely to restrict activity and order bedrest out of fear really whereas maternal fetal medicine doctors spend all their time dealing with high risk pregnancies and they often are more familar with the data and less reactive.


The list is from the antenatal specialist we saw. He admitted that they have no idea if it actually helps or not, but as he put it, it doesn't hurt. He was super conservative and wanted to keep me on bed rest for a while longer (he was talking about until viability), but my OB talked to him and convinced him that I could go back to work as long as I followed activity limitations.

[daisymommy]

Just now seeing the part about possible PPD, and your family history of it. As someone who has had numerous bouts of depression, I can tell you there is a very wide range of clinical depression. Thoughts of people being better off without you or harming oneself, or anyone else are on the *very far end* of depression--as in, extreme. So please don't for one second think that if you don't feel that way you might not be depressed. I would encourage you to at least talk to your doctor, and have them run down the questionairre on you, just to get a realistic picture if something else might be going on.

I've been on medication each time I've been in depression, and have never felt like a zombie or void of emotion. On the contrary, Prozac especially has been like a better version of myself :) It helps the clouds to lift, for me to enjoy life again, and be happy again. Not in a fake way, but just back to being *me* before the depression hit.

I have no idea if you are experiencing PPD or not, but it's certainly worth a phone call to find out.

:hug:

[sweetsue98]

:grouphug:
I know how you feel! I have a severe bleeding episode as well and now I'm not working due to this complication. There was not a strong connection to the baby up until about 2 weeks ago (28weeks and now I'm 30 weeks). I think the reason is Dr gave me a 30% loss when I had the bleeding episode and baby's viability outside the womb is around 28 weeks. Maybe I was just preparing myself if something was to happen. I haven't purchased anything new for the baby until last week (double stroller):bighand: It will get better! Promise!

[BabyBearsMom]

:grouphug:
I know how you feel! I have a severe bleeding episode as well and now I'm not working due to this complication. There was not a strong connection to the baby up until about 2 weeks ago (28weeks and now I'm 30 weeks). I think the reason is Dr gave me a 30% loss when I had the bleeding episode and baby's viability outside the womb is around 28 weeks. Maybe I was just preparing myself if something was to happen. I haven't purchased anything new for the baby until last week (double stroller):bighand: It will get better! Promise!

Ugh, so sorry you are going through this too. We are counting down to viability (although our doctors are saying 24 weeks for viability which is hard to imagine). I am crossing my fingers and sending sticky vibes that you have 10 more weeks of pregnancy!