I am totally stumped by this "bullying" situation with my kindergartener!

[luckytwenty]

My daughter told me last night that her friend hit her, spit at her three times, told her she wasn't her friend and when she tried to look away, grabbed her face to make her look at her. She also said that the friend told her she was stupid, but then quickly recanted that. Anyway, I believed her and told her I was going to send an email to her teacher right away. She got very alarmed by this but then said, "She won't be surprised because everybody complains about this girl!"

She went back and forth a few times that night about the girl. She said it wasn't true at one point (what she said before) and then said it was. Meanwhile, my husband and I, and her big brother, gave her pointers on standing up for herself, telling the teacher, and not to take that kind of abuse if no adult is there to respond. (Which was the case yesterday--it happened during carpool line and by the time my daughter told the teacher, the babysitter was there to pick her up.)

I just got an email back from the teacher saying my daughter completely denied the story she told me last night, as did her friend. They hugged and were holding hands.

I don't know what really happened and am extremely alarmed by either scenario: that my daughter, at age almost-six, is a liar, or that she has a cruel BFF, or a combo of both. I really do not know how to handle this!! Her older brother is so much easier...he can be rolling around on the ground wrestling a friend one minute and all made up the next!!

[wolverine2]

I wouldn't worry too much about it at this point... the truth is probably somewhere in between, and kids have a hard time knowing how to work social issues out at this age. Sometimes things that seem so dramatic to us are no big deal in the end for the kids. I always assume kids are telling the truth but take it with a grain of salt, knowing perceptions can be so off- often when they are "lying," they aren't meaning to lie, but are just confused about how and what to report, or maybe their perception of the situation isn't entirely accurate. Maybe she and friend had let it go and when asked by the teacher about it didn't want to get back into it again.

[fivi2]

I am sorry!

FWIW I witnessed a girll bullying my K age dd. I stopped it and tallked to my dd. My dd tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal, did not want me to tell teacher etc. I talked to teacher who said they were buddies in class. I think of my dd as strong willed, but she did nt say anything to this girl. And it was bad.

So I don't think your dd was lying, but it doesn't mean this girl always torments her. They are trying things out, pushing boundaries, etc. I would ask teacher to keep an eye on it and jtry to keep talking to your dd.

It is hard!

[hillview]

This happened with DS1 last year when he was 5. Twice he told me something that happened and I emailed the teacher but by the next morning the story had changed. I believe for my DS1 that a lot of what he reported did happen however the next day it was less of a big deal to him. The teachers kept an eye on things and I totally trusted them so it ended up fine. I'd keep an eye on it.

Good luck!
/hillary

[luckytwenty]

I hope you're right that it's not that big of a deal. I am actually relieved to hear this is kind of typical for the story to change overnight!! Was worried my sweet little girl had a deceptive streak. :-S Thanks for the feedback.

[maylips]

You know, this is the trouble with bullying and how bad it's gotten now because you really do feel like you have to step in at any sign of it. But like the PPs have said, I would probably guess that 10% is true bullying at that age and the other 90% are kids just figuring out their boundaries, learning what they're willing to tolerate (and dish out) and how to navigate relationships. I think this is especially true with girls and the natural drama we all attract (at all ages).

I'm not sure what the line is between bullying and age-appropriate issues, but I would probably say that, if it were me, I would just monitor the situation from afar and only step in if any situation seems to affect your DD in terms of a loss of interest in school, fear of something she wasn't afraid of before, a major change of behavior, etc. Otherwise, I would just stay out of it and offer open-ended questions to her as she confides in you about how she should handle the situation in the future.

[luckytwenty]

if it were me, I would just monitor the situation from afar and only step in if any situation seems to affect your DD in terms of a loss of interest in school, fear of something she wasn't afraid of before, a major change of behavior, etc. Otherwise, I would just stay out of it and offer open-ended questions to her as she confides in you about how she should handle the situation in the future.


Good call. And FWIW, she didn't seem upset last night. She seemed...intrigued, like something usual had happened to her. She might have been very upset at the time, of course. Sigh. Fun times ahead, I am sure!!

[maylips]

Good call. And FWIW, she didn't seem upset last night. She seemed...intrigued, like something usual had happened to her. She might have been very upset at the time, of course. Sigh. Fun times ahead, I am sure!!

Girl, I'm just 2 years behind you so I feel your pain! It's also hard once they figure out that they get attention from the drama and you definitely don't want to encourage that. *sigh* such a fine line.