WWYD - DH's Ex emails him via business & ends up in the Junk Mail folder....

[Smillow]

Help!
I can't figure out which is the right thing to do & if the right thing to do is the smart thing do...

So, DH & I will be celebrating our 10th anniversary next week. We are currently in counseling and trying to get to a good place. We have a business together. I checked our business email this morning and noticed that there was an email in the Junk folder - most of the time it is truly junk, but sometimes customer emails get caught there, so I check it periodically. Today I found an email from his ex-GF (so it's been 12+ years since they have been in contact as far as I know) letting him know that she has recently written a book and that "he isn't in the acknowledgements, but he should be."

So, the big question... What do I do?

a) Show it to him

b) Mark it as unread and let it sit in the junk folder till it automatically gets cleared out

c) Leave it as read and let it sit in the junk folder till it automatically gets cleared out

d) Mark it as unread and move it to the inbox & let him find & read it

or

e) Brussel Sprouts?

(I will try to turn this into a poll...)

More info:
A little back story - she was and I assume still is married - supposedly her husband knew...? I wouldn't have any reason to point it out to him in an accusatory way, but I just don't know if I want to go there at this point in our relationship. She must know he is married if she found our business email. Supposedly she & DH had an amazing sex life - and we do not.

[crl]

I'd show it to him. Why not?

Catherine

[minnie-zb]

I'd go with "B" as I think she's looking for trouble. If it was legit, then she should have acknowledged him and been done with it.

[BabyBearsMom]

I voted "a' but not in an accusatory manner. I would just say, "hey there is an e-mail that accidentally was filtered into the junk mail that I thought you might want to see." And leave it at that.

[momm]

I voted "a' but not in an accusatory manner. I would just say, "hey there is an e-mail that accidentally was filtered into the junk mail that I thought you might want to see." And leave it at that.

:yeahthat: word for word

[infocrazy]

I voted "a' but not in an accusatory manner. I would just say, "hey there is an e-mail that accidentally was filtered into the junk mail that I thought you might want to see." And leave it at that.

:yeahthat: but I'd be googling to see what the book was about!

[wellyes]

I voted "a' but not in an accusatory manner. I would just say, "hey there is an e-mail that accidentally was filtered into the junk mail that I thought you might want to see." And leave it at that.
Yup exactly.

[elektra]

Not sure where you guys are exactly in counseling. I can see that factoring in to how you would want to handle this.

If it was my DH, (in my own personal situation) I would probably say something to him, saying I say an email from his ridiculous ex in our business account and that she wrote a book and she wanted you to know about it.

But if things were at a point in the counseling where you don't need that "noise", I might just leave it marked as "read" and if he ever comes across it, I would just say that yes, you saw it but forgot about it.

[Smillow]

A little back story - she was and I assume still is married - supposedly her husband knew...? I wouldn't have any reason to point it out to him in an accusatory way, but I just don't know if I want to go there at this point in our relationship. She must know he is married if she found our business email. Supposedly she & DH had an amazing sex life - and we do not.

Will add the above to OP...

[DietCokeLover]

I vote "a". For me, once I knew about it, I'd feel like I was misleading him in some way for not showing it to him. Which could come back to bite you somehow later on.

When we were first married, DH's ex fiancee, whom he had not spoken to in years, started emailing him. He showed me every one and let me determine how to handle it. So, I responded to her email, introduced myself, and shared with her how I thought her new found interest in my husband was inappropriate. I wished her all the best and encouraged her that if she felt the need to contact him again, she was more than welcome to send it to my personal email account.
No more ex-fiancee. I appreciated DH keeping me in the loop on all of it.

[Smillow]

Not sure where you guys are exactly in counseling. I can see that factoring in to how you would want to handle this.

Hmmm. 'Splaining would take to long - let me sum up...

We have a business together - major stress. Five years of infertility. Miracle baby born when I am 42 - DH treats me horribly in the hospital when DS was born & then acts like a selfish jerk for months & months... We had very different upbringings (his father was an alcoholic with multiple affairs, left when DH was 10, mother in & out of mental institutions).

[hillview]

I voted "a' but not in an accusatory manner. I would just say, "hey there is an e-mail that accidentally was filtered into the junk mail that I thought you might want to see." And leave it at that.
:yeahthat:

[Melaine]

I would certainly show him. I don't think it's right to hide it or ignore it.

[ahisma]

I voted "a' but not in an accusatory manner. I would just say, "hey there is an e-mail that accidentally was filtered into the junk mail that I thought you might want to see." And leave it at that.

I'd do exactly this. Also, like another PP, I wouldn't feel right about not mentioning it to him once I knew.

[mjs64]

Just showing it to him seems like the least sneaky thing to do. It came to your attention, so bring it to his.

Wondering what your/their sex life has to do with it all? Sounds like that's a sore spot for you.

Sending you a :hug: for the trouble you've been having.

[Smillow]

Wondering what your/their sex life has to do with it all? Sounds like that's a sore spot for you.

Well, I think that was the whole point of their relationship.

[KLD313]

I think I would tell him in a casual way but not show him the email. The reasoning is because I would want to see his reaction and see if he asks to see the email.

[lowrioh]

IMO the right thing to do is to follow the PP advice and just tell him.
But honestly, I have to say that if it were me I would probably just mark at as unread and leave it in the Junk mail.

[niccig]

IMO the right thing to do is to follow the PP advice and just tell him.
But honestly, I have to say that if it were me I would probably just mark at as unread and leave it in the Junk mail.

:yeahthat:

I know it's not the right thing to do, but I don't think I'd want to open that can of worms right now. I say mark as unread and leave it. Or, if you want to be more ethical, make it as unread and tell him it's there and he can read it if he wants.

[elektra]

I really don't see the point in bringing it to his attention in light of the new details you mentioned, although I think I might be in the minority on that.
DH and I have a few email accounts between us, one being a joint one.

I am just thinking about how my DH would handle it too. He would probably not mention it because he would have truly forgotten.

I get tons of junk mail. I would just treat it as such- another junk mail in my inbox that either I or my DH has access to and can check.

I would not lie about reading it (leave it marked as read) but I would probably just let it move its way down the junk mail list. I don't see it as some secret you are keeping from your DH.
Just not worth getting into a fight over, when you guys are already working on dealing with other issues. You do not need this other person's noise.

[Melanie]

If you have no other issues of trust from actual incidents (lying, cheating, etc.) then:
Depends upon the subject of the book. 'Tractors of the mid-1800's' - Sure. 'Sexual positions to curl your toes' - Nope. Delete.

I think by showing it to him, it puts everything out in the open as well. He knows that you know they are in contact, or perhaps he decides not to contact her.

[Smillow]

If you have no other issues of trust from actual incidents (lying, cheating, etc.) then:
Depends upon the subject of the book. 'Tractors of the mid-1800's' - Sure. 'Sexual positions to curl your toes' - Nope. Delete.

:rotflmao:Thanks for the laugh - I needed it! It is something of a memoir related to writing. (I really want to read it!)

Thank you everyone for your advice.... My first instinct was to show it to him, then I thought I just didn't want to spend any energy on it, but obviously I have! I am going to wait to decide. I have 10 days...

[BayGirl2]

I vote A also. I think that is the most honest/helpful/trustful choice, and if you are trying to rebuild your relationship then that's the path I would take.

It sounds like they were together before you were with him. Attaching your feelings and emotional reactions to her presence/existence isn't really going to help the situation. Meaning: Its ok to feel bothered by her contacting him, but taking an action (or lack of action) to hide it could just add to the fire of other issues you are having.

[Giantbear]

If you can't be honest, then the issues run deeper. You did nothing wrong to find it, and he has done nothing wrong as far as you know. I would tell him.

[Smillow]

If you can't be honest, then the issues run deeper. You did nothing wrong to find it, and he has done nothing wrong as far as you know. I would tell him.

It isn't so much about being honest as it is about using time & energy to have it enter our lives right now. We spend every weekend apart (either I go to work or he does) and we are going away for 3 days for Thanksgiving & December is when we do 30% of our annual business & it's our 10 year anniversary...

But I think I am going to bite the bullet & go with the not so popular option d: mark it unread & move it to the inbox...

[mikala]

If you have no other issues of trust from actual incidents (lying, cheating, etc.) then:
Depends upon the subject of the book. 'Tractors of the mid-1800's' - Sure. 'Sexual positions to curl your toes' - Nope. Delete.

I think by showing it to him, it puts everything out in the open as well. He knows that you know they are in contact, or perhaps he decides not to contact her.

:rotflmao:
:yeahthat:

[wellyes]

You know, I hadn't even seen D. I think that's fine - so long as you don't let it become a thing where you're waiting him to tell you about it, and if he doesn't, anxiety starts to fester in your mind.

Putting myself in his shoes, I'd certainly be upset if I found out my spouse hid something like that from me. Not saying he'll find out. Or he already knows & is keeping it in spam to see what you'll do. Just thinking of the golden rule, treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself.

[Smillow]

You know, I hadn't even seen D. I think that's fine - so long as you don't let it become a thing where you're waiting him to tell you about it, and if he doesn't, anxiety starts to fester in your mind.

Putting myself in his shoes, I'd certainly be upset if I found out my spouse hid something like that from me. Not saying he'll find out. Or he already knows & is keeping it in spam to see what you'll do. Just thinking of the golden rule, treat others as you'd like to be treated yourself.

Good point about being kept in the dark...

I had thought about your second point, if the email didn't seem just the littlest bit flirtatious, I wouldn't have had quite so much a pause before mentioning it to him. That is where I could see there being an issue (for him) if the situation were reversed.

[ecofem]

I think I would leave it marked read and let the junk mail delete it.

Putting myself in your husband's shoes - if my ex had tried to contact me I don't think I would want to know or *care* to know and would rather that box remain closed.... it's not like she was contacting him to let your husband know something that he would probably *want* to know - like a mutual friend had died, etc.

[edurnemk]

The thing about marking it unread moving it to the inbox, is what if he doesn't tell you anything? Would you be freaking out wondering if he saw it or not, if he replied or not, etc? You can't ask him anything then because then he'd know you read it and marked it unread, and it could come across as sneaky.

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd probably, just leave it in the junk folder and say something like "I found an email in the junk folder from your exGF, letting you know she wrote a book".

[SnuggleBuggles]

I think you;ll make things even worse for the marriage if you don't tell him and he finds out you knew. You could plead ignorance (never saw it in the spam folder) but one day you might slip and the lying will be a problem. It seems like a non issue that merits hiding.

Beth

[TwinFoxes]

The thing about marking it unread moving it to the inbox, is what if he doesn't tell you anything? Would you be freaking out wondering if he saw it or not, if he replied or not, etc? You can't ask him anything then because then he'd know you read it and marked it unread, and it could come across as sneaky.

If I was in your shoes, I think I'd probably, just leave it in the junk folder and say something like "I found an email in the junk folder from your exGF, letting you know she wrote a book".

:yeahthat: I'd probably say that to DH and we have a very trusting and open relationship.

I don't see how any good comes of option D. Are you choosing that to test what he does? It seems like the worst of both worlds. You don't get the good feeling of being honest, and you leave yourself open to worrying about what DH is doing about the email.

[gatorsmom]

I'd go with "B" as I think she's looking for trouble. If it was legit, then she should have acknowledged him and been done with it.

:yeahthat: what good could possibly come from her getting in contact with him again? I would just let the email fade away. Particularly since you and your DH aren't at the best place right now. Once you are at a more confident place, mention to him. Or not.

[gatorsmom]

The thing about marking it unread moving it to the inbox, is what if he doesn't tell you anything? Would you be freaking out wondering if he saw it or not, if he replied or not, etc? You can't ask him anything then because then he'd know you read it and marked it unread, and it could come across as sneaky.



She could say she saw the subject and the sender but forgot to mention it was in that mailbox.

[BillK]

There should be a choice for "Block sender and then delete it". 😜

[hoodlims]

Does he ever check the junk email as part of the business routine? Do you think he has a soft spot for her? I mean, there is a reason why they are exes right?

I'd either be honest about it

OR

Leave it unread and wait for him to open it up. If he isn't ever going to check the junk box, then I would go back to the first option.

[nmosur]

How about bringing it up during counseling??

[elektra]

I don't see it as hiding anything at all if you just leave it alone and not mention it.
If it ever comes up, or if you ever decide to bring it up:

"Yes I saw that junk email and opened it. I wasn't sure if it was worth mentioning, we were making progress in therapy and I was concerned it was a non-issue that could become an issue so I was conflicted about even bringing it up. Time went on and then I forgot about it until now. "

It's his email that he has access to, and it's your email as well. The only hiding would be if you deleted it.

[edurnemk]

She could say she saw the subject and the sender but forgot to mention it was in that mailbox.

I wasn't referring to her leaving it in the spam folder, I was referring to her option D: "moving it to the inbox and marking unread", which seems like a way of making sure he sees it and testing his reaction, but then she'd have too many open ends. Let's say he sees it, but never tells her about it. She'd then be left wondering about his reaction and how he handled it (i.e. did he respond to the email?), but it would look weird if she asked him about it because it was marked unread, so supposedly she hadn't seen it. That's why I think its better to either mention it upfront or leave it in the spam folder but marked read.

[sntm]

I think you need to tell him. First, it's not going to help either of you in counseling if you have a secret from him (which may be a small secret, but big enough that you are polling women on the internet about what to do and thinking about it a lot) which will erode your ability to work through your issues. If he were to find out that you had seen it and kept it from him, there's another trust hit. I wouldn't make a big deal of it when you mention it, but any of the other ways feel really sneaky to me.

Having been through marital counseling (that ended in divorce), you have to be totally honest and put everything out there or not even bother and just keep everything to yourself to avoid fallout in the divorce. Cheery, huh?

[buddyleebaby]

I think you need to tell him. First, it's not going to help either of you in counseling if you have a secret from him (which may be a small secret, but big enough that you are polling women on the internet about what to do and thinking about it a lot) which will erode your ability to work through your issues. If he were to find out that you had seen it and kept it from him, there's another trust hit. I wouldn't make a big deal of it when you mention it, but any of the other ways feel really sneaky to me.



I agree. I think at the end of the day you will feel guilty about keeping it from him. Why put yourself through that? You have done nothing wrong at this point.
I would tell him, and then use the next counseling session to talk about the feelings you had when you found that e-mail. :hug: Good Luck.

[R2sweetboys]

I vote A also. I think that is the most honest/helpful/trustful choice, and if you are trying to rebuild your relationship then that's the path I would take.

It sounds like they were together before you were with him. Attaching your feelings and emotional reactions to her presence/existence isn't really going to help the situation. Meaning: Its ok to feel bothered by her contacting him, but taking an action (or lack of action) to hide it could just add to the fire of other issues you are having.


If you can't be honest, then the issues run deeper. You did nothing wrong to find it, and he has done nothing wrong as far as you know. I would tell him.


I think you;ll make things even worse for the marriage if you don't tell him and he finds out you knew. You could plead ignorance (never saw it in the spam folder) but one day you might slip and the lying will be a problem. It seems like a non issue that merits hiding.

Beth
:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat: to all of these responses. I understand that this is something that you just don't feel like spending your energy on, I really do. It sounds like you both have a lot on your plates right now. However, do you really think it will benefit your marriage in the long-run(something you are actively working to preserve) to hide this from him? Being open and honest is crucial to a successful relationship IMHO. Hiding the email in whatever way you choose to justify it is being deceptive. Is it really worth it? Honestly, the email seems mostly benign to me. Most likely he will just shrug it off and move on. Would it be helpful to tell him that you really didn't want to show him(for fear of old feelings being brought up) but you chose to tell him because you wanted to be open and honest?


She could say she saw the subject and the sender but forgot to mention it was in that mailbox.

Of course she could, but that would be outright lying to him. How does that benefit their marriage? I truly don't mean this to sound harsh Lisa as I really have admired your willingness to stand up for your beliefs and convictions in past threads(even though we have differing opinions), but I have to ask. How can you support one lying to his/her spouse(outright or by omission) in this way? It just doesn't seem in line with your beliefs. This is truly not meant as an attack, I'm just wondering...

[citymama]

IMO the right thing to do is to follow the PP advice and just tell him.
But honestly, I have to say that if it were me I would probably just mark at as unread and leave it in the Junk mail.


There should be a choice for "Block sender and then delete it". 😜

I am with lowrioh, and if I am honest with myself, closer to BillK's opinion on this one. Yes, yes, everyone is telling you the ethically "right" thing to do if this were an Emily Post advice column. But all's fair in love and war. You are fighting to save your marriage. Yes? If so, by all means, delete and block. Don't just leave it sitting there and forever wonder if he saw it or not.

But your comments about your DH's meanness to you even in the hospital after the birth of your DS, and other references to him, make me wonder if you really want to fight for this marriage? Anyway, having him see the email right now doesn't help any, IMO. There, I said it, and if it makes me seem unethical, so be it.

[lalasmama]

I've been thinking about this thread for a while today.

I think honesty is the best policy. "Hey, there's an email from Emilee in the company email. I didn't recognize the name, so I opened it, and then figured it out."

That being said, you mentioned you were in marital counseling. If it's recovering a relationship post-infidelity, then I would (personally) hesitate some.... I think I saw in one of your posts that the email sounded kind of flirty? If so, that would also give me pause. But, without the honest and open communication, you can't decipher if it's an email from one of those women who flirt no matter what, or if this is someone he's been having ongoing contact with, ya know?....

Maybe call the counselor if you don't have a session soon?

[kozachka]

If it were me, I'd move to the Inbox, but not mark Unread. If you move it to the Inbox, but mark Unread, then you are testing your DH (according to my DH), and are opening yourself to further worries. It would mean spending even more energy, which you say you want to avoid.

[Smillow]

How is it possible that I agree a little bit with everyone?! You all make a lot of valid points and I guess that's why I came here looking for advice:) Thank you!

I ended up leaving it marked as read. I told him about it as we were running around getting DS in the bath this evening. I just said that there was an email in our junk mail folder that might not be junk as it used his first name & mentioned something about a book. Then we did bedtime routine & I fell asleep. We have a 4+ hour drive together tomorrow - so maybe it will come up - maybe not, we'll see. But my conscience is now clear:)

Showing/telling him about it was my first instinct, but he was literally walking out the door at the time.

Thank you everyone for you advice:jammin: