Do you worry about gift 'arms race'?

[kozachka]

DS is turning 8 tomorrow and I just put aside his birthday gifts. He is getting a Kindle Fire and a bunch of accessories from MIL and Flip Nano with action tripod and a silver chain from us. These are some pretty serious gifts for a little boy. I am getting the same Flip camera (sans the tripod) for my brother who is in his mid-20s, and I know he would have loved a Kindle Fire, too. Plus today DH took DS fishing on a party boat ($70 x 2 + $20 for sandwiches + gas) and we are going to a car show plus Chucky Cheese and possibly a movie tomorrow, which is well over $200. We already had a birthday party for his classmates and friends, too, thankfully we managed to do it for under $100, but still.

I can't think of one thing to give DS for Christmas that would be a WOW gift. I can't help but wonder what to gift to DS next year and if we are setting ourselves up for a gifts 'arm race' so to speak. Would particularly love to hear from parents of older kids.

[crayonblue]

No, I'm not worried. We as parents have a LOT of influence on how they view stuff, especially when they are young.

If stuff is really, really important to you, your child will see that. If it's not the focus of your life, your child will see that.

To me, a family's approach toward stuff has the most impact on how kids view Christmas and all the gift-giving.

Sure, my DD is all into getting Christmas presents! We've had big years and small years but we do try to teach her that stuff isn't all that important.

I fight the materialistic battle every day but I remind myself that at least I am fighting it and not just giving in.

Hope this helps...I've been mulling over all of this a LOT lately.

[lalasmama]

DD will be turning 8 in 3 months....

Last year, she asked for small things, and received everything on her list (well, everything except for the tire that she has asked for multiple years now).

At this point, I'm just waiting for her to start asking for big ticket items. I think she's accepted that this year is smaller, because we're heading to Disneyland (she thinks this summer, but really will be her b-day present, leaving the day before her b-day). But I worry: if a trip to Disneyland happens for an 8th birthday, what in the world do you do to top that for #9??? Or the big ones: 10 (double digits!), 13 (teenager!), 16 (a car ain't happening!), 18???

At any rate, DD and I talk a lot about where money is spent, and that sometimes choices need to be made: one big present and one small one, or three or four small and medium sized ones? She knows she's getting a REALLY big present (the Disneyland trip) and that, until we take the trip, other presents and fun things will be decreased so that we can send that money to the Disneyland fund.

We also have had conversations that there many kids who don't have the toys she does, and she usually chooses to spend some of her money on an Angel Tree child.

So, yes, I greatly fear the "one-up" style of gift-giving. I'm hoping that we avoid it, but I'm not sure if it's totally possible.

[gatorsmom]

I worry about that every year as I'm shopping. But then I realize that the kids will give me ideas of things they are interested in. Plus, there are so many cool BIG toy options once you really start looking. For example, I'm drooling over the Lego Mindstorm XT robot which is way over $200. And there are some other very cool, intricate Lego sets (some of the better Technic sets) are pricey. I saw some very cool chemistry sets I would have liked to have bought but Gator is still too young. And there was a really nice telescope that will be cool when the boys are older. Plus, I imagine that at some point the kids are going to want pricier clothes.

Yeah, honestly, I dont think we'll have a problem each year. ;)

[Nooknookmom]

As a Mom of a 16 yo, I found that it is definately how the parents present these gifts and how often.

DD1 is a very mellow girl, never really got into Nintendo's (and the subsequent electronics) but she had other interests that could be pricey. DH & I had/have a rule that she has to chip in for the over the top wants. For example in 5th grade she got her first cell phone, b/c we both worked on jobsites and needed that contact, BUT she paid for her 1st pair of Uggs (waaay back then, lol).

We bought her 1st Ipod, she bought her first Coach bag. We got her a go-kart, she chipped in for something else. Last year she bought her laptop with Christmas money.

We wanted to set the tone early that these things are not *necessary* and they cost money - money that is earned not 100% given. She worked summers taping off houses and painting bedrooms, and she is better than some of the workers we have had!

Bottom line, she is very level headed about material objects.

I have family and friends who's (mainly daughters) are NOT so level headed and it's due to their parents tossing them everything they ask for (cars before they can drive, every electronic item, trips, etc).

We all like nice things, but all things are best done in moderation! HTH, its VERY hard , esp now days, and I have to this all over again with our 4.5 yo!! The electronic thing is way over the top too. DD2 still wants an Ipod, not quite ready to get her one.

[niccig]

I agree with parents setting the tone. DS will be 7 and he has access to personal electronics, but he doesn't own them. A fine line, but one I want to maintain for some time. He can use an old iPhone of DH's that we use as an iPod, our iPad and our laptop, but all of those are at our discretion. Same with a point and shoot camera, he and I share it. DH has an SLR. I think he's too young to personally own these items, so they're family owned and he has access when allowed.

DS wants the Death Star lego set. It is not happening. One, it's over $400 and two, it's thousands of pieces and my house is over run as it is with lego. He'll get a smaller set.

We're also making DS save his allowance for things. We went to Legoland for his birthday instead of a party. He had a sizable amount of money in the bank, and we insisted on him buying the lego he wanted. It took a while in the store, but he made thoughtful decisions. Anything he wants, he needs to use his allowance if it's not birthday/Christmas. He also knows he won't get everything on his list.

I also make DS pay for things he broke/loss for being careless. A true accident, fine, but I'm not replacing the fleece jacket we think he lost at school. We've looked everywhere, DS can't remember where he put it. It's the 2nd fleece jacket since January. He has other sweaters etc, so I am not buying him a new one. He'll have to wear what he has, or buy one himself. He's usually very good at making sure everything comes home, so I'm not sure what happened.

I plan to have similar attitude as he gets older. At some point, he'll get a cell phone, but if he loses it, he'll be paying for the replacement.

I lived with a girl at college that would call home for any little thing, and I was astounded by what her parents would replace/pay for because of her carelessness. Money does not grow on trees, so I don't plan to buy/provide everything that DS wants.

My main concern is that DS may not have the same earning potential as his father, and I don't want him to expect the lifestyle of you get everything you want, as he may not be able to afford that. This is going to be difficult as we do travel overseas to see my family, he does have access to electronic gadgets etc. So, he does get a lot of things I didn't have growing up. It's a difficult balance to set, but DS does see us discussing finances and how we have to budget/save for things, so we don't get everything we want either.

[justlearning]

Plus, there are so many cool BIG toy options once you really start looking. For example, I'm drooling over the Lego Mindstorm XT robot which is way over $200.

Just as an FYI, I was able to buy the Mindstorms NXT 2.0 set at my local Barnes and Noble last week for $168 with a 40% off coupon (before tax). Still pricey but not as bad.

[maestramommy]

I know my kids are younger, but I agree with pp that it really depends on what the parents' attitude is. If the stuff is just that, stuff, then maybe it's not such a big deal? If OTOH, you feel like you have to get a bigger WOW each year, then maybe you're headed for trouble, I dunno.

We play down Christmas, and make a bigger deal on bdays, but still I never think of WOW gifts. Our kids make a list (like when they reach 4yo actually starting thinking consciously of what they might like), and they know they may or may not get everything on that list. And really the list is like 2-3 items long of really small random stuff:tongue5: This year I asked Dora what was on her Christmas list because I remember she was asking for something but I forgot what it was. Turns out she did too:hysterical: Which tells me it was a momentary desire. That's they way they are. Trying to think of something was too stressful I guess because she asked me to think of something. So I'm getting her a small Klutz craft thing, and that's about it. We're doing the same for Arwyn because I know she'd got ape over it, and doing the activity would be just about long enough to hold her interest.

Our kids don't watch network TV, have never been to a movie theater, and don't play with a huge pool of kids. So they really *don't* know about all the stuff that's out there. Last week when I took them on a road trip we went to a BK and I got them their very first Kids meal, complete with a toy. It was a Zu zu pet hamster in a wheel. I wound it up and let it go all over the table. They squealed with laughter, thought it was the greatest thing ever, kept playing with them until it was time to go. Now the toys are sitting in a bin, with their other random objects. Maybe they'll play with them again on a rainy day, maybe not. It still doesn't hold their attention like books, coloring, and painting.

BUT we know if we were to start getting them these electronic devices that would be the beginning of the end. Because every time they get to play with one belonging to an older cousin they become addicted in 3 seconds and start fighting over it. NOT worth it in my book.

But OP, we have 3 kids, which is a world of difference from one. Maybe if we had only one we'd bend on some of these things. it's just that we feel it's unsustainable with 3 kids so we just don't go there.

[KrisM]

I don't worry too much about it. I think if this is the first year of expensive gifts, then it's a rarity and a one-time occurance. No need to continue it.

I have been slightly worried about our Christmas this year, for a similiar, but slightly different reason. DD is getting a DS Lite and American Girl stuff that is expensive. DS1 is getting board games, books, etc. His most expensive gift will be the spy video car that was $45. I worry that he'll see the difference in price points and wonder. I am sure he'll be thrill with the gifts he gets though, and don't know what I could add to 'even' things up a bit. This is an unusual year for DD and I don't really expect the big difference to happen again next year, so I worry less.

[momof2girls]

I try to tell DDs that they will not be getting everything they want for Christmas not will they get the caliber of gifts that their cousins get. My sis overdoes Christmas every year then ends up mad b/c her kids don't appreciate any of the gifts. I limit them to about 8 gifts each. Sometimes there is a wow gift that is a shared gift for my DDS (when they were younger it was a Barbie mustang ride on, another time it was a large play kitchen). Now that DD is 8 I am trying to go a bit further with not spoiling her so that she does not become gimme crazy. She is asking for an iPad to which I laughed. I am thinking maybe a Flip camera along with some smaller items like earrings and boots and clothes.
DD#2 is getting some Wii games and other toys, again, I am trying not to make it a free-for-all gimme holiday so she will also be limited to under 10 gifts.
I was raised with parents who went overboard on Christmas. I do not consider my childhood as a spoiled one, but I definitely did not appreciate the numerous gifts b/c I always expected, and received a to, every year. That was the main motivating factor for me limiting what I get my kids. In retrospect, Christmas as a child for me was a bit obscene.

[icunurse]

Over here, we try and keep it reasonable for their ages. DS is almost 8 and I will not give him any ipods, Kindles, Kindle Fire, etc because I just don't think he "needs" that right now. I hate the idea of overwhelming kids with technology so young and want to also keep him "wanting" things. Luckily, he hasn't really pushed the idea and the one item he keeps mentioning (DSi) he already knows not to expect. He has a DS, so he doesn't need something barely different from what he has.

With DD, she is definitely more in tune to what is out there and what other little girls are asking for. She is going to be our battle :) I broke down and bought her the Barbie Dream House, which makes me cringe on so many levels...one, it is so expensive, especially compared to our usual budget and two, I would have preferred that she wait another year before entering into Barbie world simply because she is 4 and I don't want to push/feed an early entry into more grown-up things. While *I* want toys that are more advanced and fun *to me*, I try to stay focused on their ages and what they can enjoy while they are this young.

[kijip]

No I don't because I don't see the need to go bigger each year or even stay at the same level of gift size. Mixing it up is just fine to me and preferable to an ever bigger price point for gifts.

[chozen]

i set a limit of $100.00, my ds who is now 30yrs. old has always had that same amount and now our almost 4yr. old dd has the same amount, makes it easy.

[Green_Tea]

I think it depends on the way parents present it AND on the individual personality of the kid. DD2 and DS would be fine with a big ticket present one year and not the next. Neither one is innately materialistic. They're fairly easy to please and laid back - and not just when it comes to gifts. DD1, however, is a big time scorekeeper. Her expectation is ALWAYS for something bigger and better. I don't think it's because of anything we've done, per se - we discuss appropriate expectations, and constantly remind her that just because Santa brought her something big one year doesn't mean he will again the next. There have been years when Santa didn't bring any big gifts at all. But she has a very difficult time adjusting her expectations.

So yeah, the gift "arms race" does worry me. Dealing with a cranky, sullen child on Christmas morning ruins the day for the entire family.

[g-mama]

This is an interesting topic. I don't know how I feel. We do not give our kids "wow" gifts or really expensive gifts very often. They probably get 10-12gifts each Christmas, but most of them are under $20 each. They have never asked for phones, i-pads, iPods, iPod Touches, etc. The big hit here is still Legos. They play with video games on our Wii or DS, but it's pretty limited. Many of our friends and family members give these kinds of gifts to their kids, so my kids know plenty of kids who have them, but somehow it hasn't registered.

So, I guess I don't feel the need to ratchet it up each year. They don't keep a mental tab on what we (or Santa) brought last year compared to this year. We bought each of the older boys a DS on their 7th birthday, but the next year, they didn't get anything nearly as expensive. If we go on a trip one year, that doesn't mean we will go on a bigger and better trip next year.

A lot of it, it seems, is in how you present it as the parent. If the parents feel like they need to up the ante each year, then they will get themselves in a situation they may not be happy with. I worry a lot about creating spoiled, entitled kids.

[sste]

PPs, I wish I was only dealing with toy requests!!

My newly turned four year old has been begging us to take him to Italy ("We will have much fun! We will eat very much food!"). I believe this idea came from a scooby doo in Pompeii episode. It has been a solid month of this and we have suggested Little Italy in our city, the Italy at Disney, going out to pizza like a freaking normal preschooler!! All to no avail. He has told us he is saving for Italy.

The thing about DS (and I think probably many other children) that makes me hesitate is that he seems to have a certain joie de vivre in living well and also -- this sounds absurd but I have to say it - - a certain style. For example, DS went to Whole Foods with DH on Thanksgiving to pick up pies for grandma's house and apparently DS strode into the flower department and picked out a bouquet and told DH he was getting it for grandma. What makes this unusual is that DS has NOT SEEN THIS behavior from anyone unless it was also on scooby doo - - I think DH may have gotten me flowers twice since DS was born and not at all in the past year or two. :( I am starting to wonder if DH and I are too stingy actually!

ETA: I will say we limit the number of gifts as much as we possibly can for birthdays and holidays - - it is a space issue for us and also a clutter/cleaning issue. We aren't too price-sensitive on the gifts but we aim for only 3-4 gifts from us for the holidays and one birthday gift from us. So, the total costs is usually not crazy.

[JoyNChrist]

The thing about DS (and I think probably many other children) that makes me hesitate is that he seems to have a certain joie de vivre in living well and also -- this sounds absurd but I have to say it - - a certain style. For example, DS went to Whole Foods with DH on Thanksgiving to pick up pies for grandma's house and apparently DS strode into the flower department and picked out a bouquet and told DH he was getting it for grandma. What makes this unusual is that DS has NOT SEEN THIS behavior from anyone unless it was also on scooby doo - - I think DH may have gotten me flowers twice since DS was born and not at all in the past year or two. :( I am starting to wonder if DH and I are too stingy actually!

This is off-topic, but I don't think this sounds crazy. I grew up probably at or slightly above the poverty line, and I have always, always had very expensive taste. My parents and extended family are the least fancy people you could imagine, so that style certainly wasn't modeled for me. But if you present me with two of anything - jackets, cars, boots, meals - I will always choose the vastly more expensive option, even if the difference isn't apparent from the quality.

Now obviously, since we aren't independently wealthy, I don't live this way every day (or at all, really, except perhaps for very special occasions). But if I were simply going by personal taste, we would have many absurdly expensive things and a rather extravagant lifestyle. I don't know why I'm like this, but I always have been.

My DS1 sounds a lot like your son - he's very into grand gestures, and...this sounds weird...already has a very strong romantic streak. He strikes me as rather...European? I don't know, he just has this air about him that is kind of sophisticated and romantic and stylish, in a way that is pretty at odds with our environment.

[stefani]

Sometimes I wonder about gifts race, but then I try to temper DS's expectations as well. We don't usually go for "wow" gifts, and Santa brings smaller gifts. He seems to be fairly mellow about gifts. I do explain that wish list is just that, and he won't get everything he wants.

[sadie427]

I've never thought about needing a "wow" gift--I would be worried about an "arms race" in the situation you describe though, honestly. DS1 is 8 but we're still doing small gifts like Legos and books, he doesn't have electronics other than a hand-me-down camera and he can use the family computer for games.