Dating while still married (but in process of divorce)

[HonoluluMom]

A male co-worker is married, but in the process of a divorce, with a elementary school-age child and he's dating a co-worker. The fact that he's still married and dating just rubs me the wrong way. I'm not sure if I'm old-fashioned or what.

Would this rub you the wrong way too?

[s7714]

Yes a little. My FIL is doing that as a matter of fact. Of course all his kids are grown though.

[gatorsmom]

Yes, it would. Married is married in my book whether they are living together or not.

For goodness sake, if he's in the process of getting a divorce cant he rein in it until the divorce is final? If he doesn't respect the "marriage institution" why bother marrying at all?

[BayGirl2]

If he is formally Separated, I wouldn't have an issue with it. It can take years for a formal divorce decree. People I know generally move apart and move on with their lives well before that.

ETA: I was separated for 2+ years from my first DH before we decided to actually do the paperwork to legalize our divorce. We were living completely separate lives and had no issue with the other dating at that point. There were no children involved, but I don't think that's really a factor. To me Legal Separation is essentially the same thing as divorce, the marriage is already officially over and both parties have the right to do whatever they choose.

Now if you don't believe in divorce, that's a separate thing, but it sounds to me like that decision is done for him at this stage.

[Melaine]

I don't think it is right at all. If you are married, you are not single. If you are not single, you should not date.

[hillview]

In Massachusetts it took a year for the paperwork to go through after waiting 3 months to see a judge to file for divorce. This was for a simple no kids no assets divorce.

So ... I guess it depends but if the "married" people have filed for divorce and no longer live together etc I am not sure it is wrong to date. Now in office dating (regardless of status) is another issue.

[wifecat]

It does rub me the wrong way. My dad began dating while still married to my mom and he's now living with the other woman (not yet divorced from my mom, but planning to do that "someday.") There are hosts of issues with this entire drama, but one I find really interesting is that he met the woman at church. Niiiice.

[buddyleebaby]

Hmmm...I don't know...

I think it would be sensitive and perhaps wise to wait a little while before dating again. But I don't know his situation, and divorces can drag on for years.

I consider myself to be married because we made vows to each other in our Church, not because the State says we are. So if I were to divorce, I can't say I would feel compelled to wait until the state said I was no longer married...since they had nothing to do with my true "marriage" to begin with...it would be more of a technicality than anything.

BUT, I would hope that the man I had been with for more than half my life, the man I had my babies with would take some time to himself, just out of respect to me, and our children, and to honor what once was. And I would hope that I could do the same for him.

Clear as mud. :rotflmao:

[DietCokeLover]

I don't think it is right at all. If you are married, you are not single. If you are not single, you should not date.

I agree 100%.

[BayGirl2]

Hmmm...I don't know...

I think it would be sensitive and perhaps wise to wait a little while before dating again. But I don't know his situation, and divorces can drag on for years.

I consider myself to be married because we made vows to each other in our Church, not because the State says we are. So if I were to divorce, I can't say I would feel compelled to wait until the state said I was no longer married...since they had nothing to do with my true "marriage" to begin with...it would be more of a technicality than anything.

BUT, I would hope that the man I had been with for more than half my life, the man I had my babies with would take some time to himself, just out of respect to me, and our children, and to honor what once was. And I would hope that I could do the same for him.

Clear as mud. :rotflmao:

:yeahthat: I don't think we have enough info to say whether its ok for HIM. For all we know they did try to work on the marriage for years, they finally decided it was over and they both began dating others after some time. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like these, where its impossible to know what happened inside someone else's marriage. For many people formal separation = divorce, its just semantics and legal stuff in between.

And I think comments about not respecting the marriage institution are kind of harsh. A lot of posters here are separated or divorced. Its not a choice anyone wants or plans to make.

[megs4413]

My mother did this. It bothered me very much. So, when kids are involved, I vote SO NOT OK! in a childless marriage, I probably don't feel as strongly about it.

[KLD313]

If he is formally Separated, I wouldn't have an issue with it. It can take years for a formal divorce decree. People I know generally move apart and move on with their lives well before that.

ETA: I was separated for 2+ years from my first DH before we decided to actually do the paperwork to legalize our divorce. We were living completely separate lives and had no issue with the other dating at that point. There were no children involved, but I don't think that's really a factor. To me Legal Separation is essentially the same thing as divorce, the marriage is already officially over and both parties have the right to do whatever they choose.

Now if you don't believe in divorce, that's a separate thing, but it sounds to me like that decision is done for him at this stage.

I agree and had the same situation as described here.

[maestramommy]

I have a couple of friends in that position. Knowing the circumstances, I wouldn't bat an eye. Ex was awful. Process was long, drawn out, and exhausting.

[JBaxter]

I had a year of should have been separated then filed in filed and it was another 18 months till we finalized the divorced. Yes I dated during the time I no longer was living with my X I did it on the weekends my boys were with their dad. I dont see an issue with it if they are not living together and have started divorce proceedings. Maryland takes a year after filing of adultry is not involved

[niccig]

If he had just moved out and was already dating, then yes that would rub me wrong way. If he's been separated for some time and divorce proceedings are dragging on, then no, it doesn't' bother me. As others have siad, it can take YEARS - they're not supposed to move on with their life in that time?

[scrooks]

If he had just moved out and was already dating, then yes that would rub me wrong way. If he's been separated for some time and divorce proceedings are dragging on, then no, it doesn't' bother me. As others have siad, it can take YEARS - they're not supposed to move on with their life in that time?

I agree with this!

[larig]

nope. I met my current DH while separated and in the process of divorcing my ex. There were no kids involved, but I was not legally divorced until 11 months after I started dating DH. So, no, it wouldn't bother me.

[sntm]

Nope. I started dating while separated. My divorce wasn't finalized until about 18 months after I asked for the separation. That's a long time to be lonely, especially if the marriage sucked at the end.

[Cam&Clay]

From start to finish, it took more than 3 years for me to be truly divorced from XH, but we filed separation papers right away. I did not date during that time but it wasn't because I felt I couldn't. I just wasn't ready and was too busy trying to work and take care of DS1.

All of my friends who are now divorced had filed separation agreements prior to getting the actual divorce done. Most, if not all, of them dated prior to the divorce being final. I don't think it is a big deal as long as you are in different houses and there are already some legal boundaries.

[TwinFoxes]

I can't judge. I guess we are all supposed to think "cad!" but for all I know his ex is psycho and trying to make his life a living hell.

[Pear]

The legal aspects of a divorce can drag on for years even if their are few disagreements. If the marriage is over and the parties are living separately, I just don't see the harm of not waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

[georgiegirl]

Doesn't bother me. I just realized dh wasn't officially divorced until 5 months after we started dating. He and his wife separated more than a year before we started dating...more like 1.5 years. So it took2 years from the time she moved out until they were divorced, which was about the length of their actual marriage. Divorce sometimes takes a long time, so dating someone else before the divorce is official doesn't bother me.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

it wouldn't really bother me. i'm another one that would rather just give the benefit of the doubt . for all we know they've been separated for a long time and his ex is painfully dragging everything out, making unrealistic demands and such. as PP said it can take years for a divorce to finalize. i know a few people whose divorce proceedings took longer than their actual marriage (1-2years).

actually the whole dating-a-coworker thing would probably get to me more than the dating-while-separated thing (though i don't think that's a huge deal either).

[mikala]

:yeahthat: I don't think we have enough info to say whether its ok for HIM. For all we know they did try to work on the marriage for years, they finally decided it was over and they both began dating others after some time. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt in situations like these, where its impossible to know what happened inside someone else's marriage. For many people formal separation = divorce, its just semantics and legal stuff in between.


:yeahthat: Outside of the couple no one really knows and it's not wise to judge it from the peanut gallery. He could be a cad or not. We just don't know from these details.

I'd be more concerned with the workplace romance if it's a supervisor w/ subordinate or in violation of any company policy.

[g-mama]

It doesn't bother me. I met and began dating my husband when he'd only been separated from his wife for about 4 or 5 months. They had been married one year when they separated - no kids. It certainly wasn't my ideal to date a married but separated man. My mom was not thrilled and advised me not to, saying that if there was any chance for the marriage to be saved, I should not be standing in the way of that.

But, I did date him and his ex-wife was also dating at the time. We've been together now for eighteen years.

[KDsMommy]

I've been legally separated from my ex for over a year, and am dating a former co-worker now. My divorce is rather complicated and my ex was extremely abusive. I was mentally separated from him long before we were physically separated.

Each situation is so different from another, that it's really hard to say.

FWIW, my ex is also dating...he's dating a stripper...

[mom2binsd]

I'm in the process of a divorce, my XH to be finally moved out in Aug....I let him stay as he was unemployed, he's still umemployed living at his parents and comes over to my house to sell stuff on ebay as his parents don't have internet (used to be our house but I pay the mortgage now)...he's been online dating since Aug...stupid enough to have left open windows on the computer with his profile etc....do I think it's disrespectful to use the computer at my house yes, I think he's an idiot for starting to date so quickly when he's still unemployed and if the kids are exposed to any new women any time soon they'll be very confused...they are still processing this whole thing...but men are men, most need someone all the time....so that's my take on it, sorry if it's long....

[mctlaw]

I have no problem with it as so long as there's no deception involved. When I don't know the person's circumstances I try to avoid being judgmental.

[AnnieW625]

if it is a mutual decision by all parties involved (including the ex spouse) then I have no problem with it. This would be one of those things I'd be keeping my nose out of though.

[gatorsmom]

And I think comments about not respecting the marriage institution are kind of harsh. A lot of posters here are separated or divorced. Its not a choice anyone wants or plans to make.

I think you are referring to me because I'm the only one who said anything about marriage institution. All I can say is that the OP must have known posting this question would generate a range of replies, some she liked, some she didn't. She asked my opinion, and I gave it. I don't go around judging how people live their lives. That is between them and God. My opinion is based on how I live my life.

And while I don't like divorce at all, I don't judge those who have gotten one. There are plenty of situations when it is a good call. She asked about dating while married but separated and it was that situation that I gave my opinion on.

Edited because I realized I was responding to a poster who was not the op

[JBaxter]

I'm in the process of a divorce, my XH to be finally moved out in Aug....I let him stay as he was unemployed, he's still umemployed living at his parents and comes over to my house to sell stuff on ebay as his parents don't have internet (used to be our house but I pay the mortgage now)...he's been online dating since Aug...stupid enough to have left open windows on the computer with his profile etc....do I think it's disrespectful to use the computer at my house yes, I think he's an idiot for starting to date so quickly when he's still unemployed and if the kids are exposed to any new women any time soon they'll be very confused...they are still processing this whole thing...but men are men, most need someone all the time....so that's my take on it, sorry if it's long....


So if some weekend you your kids are with their father/ grandparents a nice guy asks you out for dinner you wouldn't go? I enjoyed NORMAL male companionship after being cooped up with a nut for 2 yrs. I had some great dinner / movie dates during the 18 months I was legally separated from my X. We SHOULD have split at least a year if not 2 before we did. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage so no one can judge. I guess some women will be women too.

[mom2binsd]

So if some weekend you your kids are with their father/ grandparents a nice guy asks you out for dinner you wouldn't go? I enjoyed NORMAL male companionship after being cooped up with a nut for 2 yrs. I had some great dinner / movie dates during the 18 months I was legally separated from my X. We SHOULD have split at least a year if not 2 before we did. No one really knows what goes on in a marriage so no one can judge. I guess some women will be women too.


Dating is fine...it's when it goes to the next step way to soon (many friends male and female have shared how their kids have suffered when the parent brings a new person in waay too soon).

I meant that XH will most likely introduce the kids to a new woman very quickly, he will not agree to not having overnight girlfriend(or boyfriend for me) guests until a committted relationship is established...in mediation he said he doesn't see any issue with the kids being exposed to a woman sleeping over when he has the kids (he'll have them every other weekend eventually).....he also thinks it's perfectly fine that he has pics of the kids on all of his online dating profiles....so I'm fine with the dating but he has no sense of judgement when it comes to the kids and what they should be exposed to. Of course, the woman he had the affair with less than a year ago and who was supposedly was his soulmate is now very very ill, terminally with cancer but it seems he's moved on...after spending marital funds to give to the ill girlfriend for treatment...not demonstrating good judgement.

[smilequeen]

I personally think if the divorce is in progress, it's fine. Certainly there needs to be discretion when children are involved, but dating while going through a divorce seems OK to me.

[JoyNChrist]

I personally think if the divorce is in progress, it's fine. Certainly there needs to be discretion when children are involved, but dating while going through a divorce seems OK to me.

:yeahthat:

[cuca_]

I personally think if the divorce is in progress, it's fine. Certainly there needs to be discretion when children are involved, but dating while going through a divorce seems OK to me.

:yeahthat:

I have never been in this situation, but I think it is ok to date once you are legally separated and in the process of a divorce. I don't think it is ok to date when you are in a committed relationship (married or not), but once you are legally separated and in the process of a divorce, there is clearly no commitment there, so I do not see the problem.

[3isEnough]

:yeahthat:

I have never been in this situation, but I think it is ok to date once you are legally separated and in the process of a divorce. I don't think it is ok to date when you are in a committed relationship (married or not), but once you are legally separated and in the process of a divorce, there is clearly no commitment there, so I do not see the problem.

:yeahthat:

[kozachka]

I personally think if the divorce is in progress, it's fine. Certainly there needs to be discretion when children are involved, but dating while going through a divorce seems OK to me.

:yeahthat: I started dating DH while his divorce was still being finalized. His wife has moved out over a year ago and was living in a different country by then. They were definitely done, and both have moved on, they just issues getting divorced in the US as neither had residency in any of the states having lived too long overseas. It took them a while to first establish residency, then get divorced even though they had no kids and it was a non-contested divorce.