Need a non-drama response

[California]

This feels so silly, but I'm really not sure how to politely say, "NO" so it comes across sweetly as a "Thank you for your interest, but no:kisscheek:"
As you savvy bargain shoppers know, sometimes a large group order can save serious money in shipping, etc. So I offered a four years back to do a big holiday order for my relatives. I don't know the exact amount I'll get off until I order (I have a rough idea, but it varies until the day I place the order thanks to holiday specials.) Everyone has been great about paying me as soon as the order is placed. Except for one relative. One year she was really late. Then the next year I asked for pre-payment based on the guestimate, she said, 'Sure, next time I see you,' we didn't see each other... and I gave her the benefit of the doubt, included her in the order and as you can guess she burned me. Fortunately another relative who hadn't ordered wanted her share, so it all worked out. Last year I didn't include her in the email organizing the order. Her (adult) kids noticed the change. Not sure what she told them.

This year, I didn't include her again. And her (adult) daughter just emailed me out of the blue with her mom's order! I like the daughter. I don't want to get into the money history with her. How would you respond? Unfortunately, its pretty obvious I didn't place the order yet. I could do the order today and lie that I didn't see the email in time, but I'd rather not-- I hate to be pushed to hurry or lie due to my relative's choices. I tried to write an email but I floundered.... I like the person who emailed. I also know she's touchy about her mom.

[Simon]

First, if it is a strict NO, I would say, I'm sorry but I can't include (your Mom) on this order as I have limited the number of people who can participate. If you feel comfortable, you can offer to do a combined order for the two of them (so you only get one check) and then Daughter can deal with her Mom paying her (or not).

I think it is fine to let Daughter know that her Mom has been tardy or even failed to pay in the past so you feel uncomfortable adding her in on her own.

ETA: Sorry, I didn't see you don't want to talk about the history, and I can understand why. I guess you could say that you'll only order if Daughter will pay for both and then collect from her Mom on her own. I would not give a reason for doing so.

[roseyloxs]

Agreed. I would write and ask if the daughter will be willing to write the check for her mom. Maybe say its because you don't expect to see her soon or give no reason at all.

[Nicsmom]

I guess you could say that you'll only order if Daughter will pay for both and then collect from her Mom on her own. I would not give a reason for doing so.

:yeahthat: Tell the daughter you have a limited number of people you can include but she can add her mother's order along with her own and she'll pay for both.

[crl]

Like previous posters, maybe, "okay, I'll let you know the total of your two orders and you can give me one check." So you are essentially telling her that you consider both orders hers and she is responsible for paying for both.

Catherine

[artvandalay]

I would tell her the truth (that she is either tardy or hasn't paid you at all), because you might be dealing with this each and every year and you don't want to have to go through this uncomfortable conversation next year and the following years.

[California]

The daughter has never ordered before. But, thank you for making me think of the possibility that maybe the daughter is the one who initiated this, not the mom. As a first step I will ask her if she, the daughter, wants to order with me directly.

[niccig]

Do you get people to pay up front? Wonder if you could start a "if you want x, please get your money to me before 12/05. I'll put the order in on 12/06." If people say please order and I'll get you the money later, can you then say "sorry, in the past people haven't paid and we're not in a position to cover the price. I need the money before I order."

[nfceagles]

I would say, "If you can get me the money by xx/xx/2011, I'll be happy to include it. If it comes out less than $XX.XX I'll refund you the difference."

[California]

OK, I'll go with asking for the money up front, offer to reimburse her the difference, and give her a short time frame to get the money to me. Then I will not send any reminders or worry about this and will just let what happens happens.

With the other relatives, they are so good about immediately reimbursing me as soon as they hear the total that I'd prefer not to collect money up front. This way I don't have to figure out how much change I owe everyone, or how much more they owe me. Not going to let one person spoil the good thing we've got going!

[Globetrotter]

OK, I'll go with asking for the money up front, offer to reimburse her the difference, and give her a short time frame to get the money to me. Then I will not send any reminders or worry about this and will just let what happens happens.


Sounds like a plan! I think that is reasonable.

[California]

And thank you all for your responses on this. DH is working so my usual go-to guy for info on how an unemotionally-involved rational person would respond is busy :-) Its wonderful to have another resource to go to that doesn't involve disclosing personal family history to friends who might meet this relative at my kids' birthday parties.

[JTsMom]

I can't believe she has the nerve to expect to be included after burning you last time!

[Liziz]

I would say, "If you can get me the money by xx/xx/2011, I'll be happy to include it. If it comes out less than $XX.XX I'll refund you the difference."

:yeahthat: