Sad about report from preschool - DD social skills

[wellyes]

DD's preschool director pulled me aside Friday unexpectedly to discuss her social skills - she said the are "not concerned" but they are watching and wanted me to be aware of.

DD does not engage other children. Her play is deeply imaginative but solo. When other kids are playing as a group, she often isolates herself to do something else. In fact, when we walked out of her office, I saw that DD was sitting by herself in a corner reading while the other kids danced.

This just breaks my heart. I know how much she yearns for friends. I see how thrilled she is to find any random playmate at the park. When she's playing dolls at home, she will name them her preschool classmate's name.

In her daycare (before preschool), DD was well liked and socially maybe even a bit dominant. So I convinced myself that DD was going to be fine at preschool. She is fine, she is happy there, she likes it, but she is behind the other kids socially. The director did say the other kids do like her, and they've seen some progress in the past week or so, but they want me to set up playdates now so she doesn't backslide over the winter holiday.

I'm just so sad that she's the quiet daydreamer in the corner. It reminds me of my own childhood. It can be lonely. I ended up acting out to get attention, which isolated me further and was not good. I just want DD to be happy and normal.

I *do* treasure the way that she is but I want to set her up for success socially too. Any advice or BTDT?

[hillview]

Not BTDT but wanted to offer HUGS. I hope you get some great ideas.
/hillary

[Seitvonzu]

*hug* i'm not sure that there is much to be done really...i think so much of this stuff is individual to the child. you said she seems happy? doesn't seem to be feel "left out" or "alone?" does she ask to have playdates with the other children??

i'm not sure how i feel about this. my child is more independent than other children at preschool. she doesn't *need* other children, but like your daughter, will approach other children and will readily play with them (even if she doesn't tend to initiate random playing with others; further, when she DOES initiate , she doesn't seem terribly bothered if other kids don't go along with her ideas....she isn't "pushy" about it)

i worry about my child in social situations too. i remind myself that i'm probably more bothered by things i see happening than she is. since the preschool is mentioning it, i'd just keep an eye out to be sure dd is happy.

*hugs*

[wendmatt]

DD NEVER played with other children at preschool. I was always worried about her. She was very shy and did OK in a one on one situation, but any more than that and she would just sit and read or play alone at playtime. It made me reallly sad but she was perfectly happy. She is in 3rd grade now and has friends and is socially well adjusted. I think your teacher's right, make sure to have some play dates so she gets time to practice social skills in a small group. I know it's easy to say dont worry, but it sounds to me like she is going to be just fine, there don't seem to be any other red flags.

[Elilly]

My DD is similar in that she is Timid in new social situations and not likely to assert herself into a new group dynamic. So, what works for me, tends to work for her as well. Playdates with the same child a couple of times a month with two different children. Then mix the group. Let her get a group dynamic going. Both DD and I are very comfy in our social circles but it has taken time. Hope this helps.

[niccig]

I think she sounds fine too. I would set up some playdates, as I've seen that help DS with his friendships - it was also my way of guiding the friendship with kids I knew he would enjoy playing with and had similar interests. I also modelled behaviour for him, eg. help him to introduce himself to other kids at the park.

[vludmilla]

I agree with the suggestion to have playdates. Although I think a person's personality style and temperament are fairly stable traits, I also believe that they can be influenced by experience. By having as many playdates as you can reasonably manage, you are influencing her environment and, to whatever degree possible, her natural inclination to isolate. I know that you said that she seems happy and I bet she is but you mentioned your own social struggles. I think those of us who are more introverted are often very happy in our solitary pursuits but it is good to have honed the ability to socialize so that we can when we want to. I bet she'll come along just fine with playdates and maturation. :)

[ahisma]

(((hugs)))

My DS was similar. He never played with kids at preschool. He started at 2 and went for three years. He loved preschool but was always playing by himself, often in the sandbox. Like your DD, deeply imaginative and solo. Honestly, it didn't seem to bother him. He just did what he wanted to do. But, we worried.

Now, he's in Young 5's at school. He has great friends and his teacher describes him as well liked. In the classroom I see kids clamoring to play with him and be in his group. He's small, non-athletic, not interested in the typical boy things and is still doing great!

[amldaley]

I recently had a similar conversation at DD's preschool. Basically, she is GREAT in small groups or out of the playground where she can associate with one or two friends, but the jump from a 10 or 12 to 2 ratio to a 24 to 2 ratio was too much for her. She doesn't join in when it is a large group. She just gets so overwhelmed.

Any chance you can get her in somewhere with a lower class size ratio?

I also took the initiative to set up play dates with favorite classmates so she could build friendships and then feel encouraged to join those kids specifcally at school.

It IS heartbreaking, isn't it? It could just be her temperment, it could be a phase...so hard to tell at this age. I hope whatever happens, she will find peace and friendship :hug:

[zag95]

In addition to the playdates idea, here is another. What about enrolling her in some type of class- where she can continue to work on socialization/making friends?

Swim, music, dance, art all might be possiblities, depending on your budget. You might see if there is a park and rec class that she might enjoy.

DD does music during the year, in addition to preschool. I think it has helped with socialization for her, as well as speech, thru music. She LOVES it.

Hang in there mama!:hug:

[Katigre]

It sounds like your DD is introverted which can be a great skill but is not highly valued in early childhood (where extroverted/more socially gregarious children are more highly valued skills).

What I would say is this:

1. Set up one-on-one playdates and try to foster 1-2 close friends. That will build her social skills 100x more than being in a large group where she will mostly withdraw.

2. As she gets older and hits 5-6 years old, she will start branching out more socially. I have seen a huge change in DS from when he was even newly 5 until now - he is much more socially skilled and able to navigate larger groups whereas before he preferred one-on-one and solo play.

3. If you see this is an area she is not naturally strong in, then I would work to intentionally teach her those skills - rehearse social skills and cues, talk about how to be a good friend, etc... Social skills aren't just instinct, they are also taught and learned behaviors.

Here are a few good books for you that might help in how you think about the situation and setting your daughter up for success:

Picture Books for DD:
http://www.amazon.com/Join-Play-Learning-Get-Along/dp/1575421526/ref=pd_bxgy_b_text_b
http://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Friend-Friends-Families/dp/0316111538/ref=sr_1_9?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1323046448&sr=1-9

Books for you:
http://www.amazon.com/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323046414&sr=8-1
http://www.amazon.com/Raise-Your-Childs-Social-IQ/dp/0966036689/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323046426&sr=8-1

[egoldber]

I would bear in mind that she is still 3. Parallel play is still an emerging skill at this age. To encourage friendships in the classroom, playdates are a very important social venue as are birthday parties. But she sounds well within the normal range to me.

Also, many many things influence the social dynamics of a classroom. She may not really click with any of the kids in her class. Some teachers are better than others at discouraging exclusive groups and encouraging fluid, dynamic group play. While it doesn't hurt to keep an eye on things, I really would try not to be very concerned. Social skills develop over a VERY wide range.

[sste]

My DS has been very interested in imaginative, dramatic play since his early 3s. Also storytelling -- he has been telling stories since before that point even. What we were told by a psychologist is that most children don't engage in true dramatic play with extensive "scripts" or elaborate storytelling until later. So, that can make it hard for a child who is waaaay into the imaginative, dramatic . . . though we were told it would all even out in a year or two. What we have found is that OLDER kids seek out DS *for* his stories and imaginative play - - many a time we have seen him "direct" the imaginative play of kids a few years older than him.

Does your DD do better with kids a year or two older?

Also, how are the teachers at integrating your DD into play? At our most recent, beloved preschool there are def. kids that are more introverted and the teachers are really great about starting to play with one kid, drawing another kid in, and then gradually fading from the scene and leaving the two kids playing together.

One last thought: it is going to be hard to convince me that any developmental trajectory similar to that of our thoughtful, wise, and kind Wellyes is one to be too upset about.

[vludmilla]

I would bear in mind that she is still 3. Parallel play is still an emerging skill at this age.

Social skills develop over a VERY wide range.

Oh gosh, she's three? I completely agree with Beth's statements above. I wouldn't worry at this age. Playdates are still a great idea (even if only so you can form your own opinion of your daughter's strengths and needs).

[trales]

She sounds very normal for a 3 year old. My DD was doing exactly what you described at 3. We had a few playmates with a family that I liked and she has kind of attached herself to that kid. She does whatever she does. Not any more independent but a little past parallel play at 4.5.

[maestramommy]

*hug* i'm not sure that there is much to be done really...i think so much of this stuff is individual to the child. you said she seems happy? doesn't seem to be feel "left out" or "alone?" does she ask to have playdates with the other children??

i'm not sure how i feel about this. my child is more independent than other children at preschool. she doesn't *need* other children, but like your daughter, will approach other children and will readily play with them (even if she doesn't tend to initiate random playing with others; further, when she DOES initiate , she doesn't seem terribly bothered if other kids don't go along with her ideas....she isn't "pushy" about it)

i worry about my child in social situations too. i remind myself that i'm probably more bothered by things i see happening than she is. since the preschool is mentioning it, i'd just keep an eye out to be sure dd is happy.

*hugs*

I feel the same way. Your DD is 3, right? I remember seeing Arwyn in her 3s class last year. She never played with the other kids, always by herself. I saw her doing her favorite puzzle over and over while 1 foot away 3 kids were playing house. I was surprised because in other settings she does play with other kids. Though they are all older. It was the same with Dora. She loved playing with much older cousins, and an older neighbor who is 2 years older and "mature" for her age. But at school she NEVER played with other kids until last year. I never saw any signs that my kids were unhappy during solo play. At home they alternate practically being in each other's pockets to playing in opposite corners of the house sometimes.


It sounds like your DD is introverted which can be a great skill but is not highly valued in early childhood (where extroverted/more socially gregarious children are more highly valued skills).

This is something we ran into a LOT with Dora, and to some extent I see it in Arwyn, just not as pronounced. Dh and I have simply accepted it as part of who they are. This after the district preschool director told us, "Well you two are very introverted right? And you both turned out okay, right??" It probably means that most of their friends will be extroverts, which is what happened/happens to me a lot. And perhaps when they are older, their life will take a turn that helps them become more outgoing. That's what happened to me when I went into teaching. For Dh he went into engineering, so that was no help, lol. But he just forced himself to be more outgoing as adult, because well, that's what you gotta do sometimes. But neither of us are life of the party types, and we only put ourselves out there in certain situations.

[chiisai]

:hug:

My son is introverted. He observes before joining. He often prefers to play on his own or with one other person rather than groups. He needs time on his own to recharge. He is also good with other kids, does not have problems interacting with them. I saw it in preschool and am seeing it in kindergarten. Really, I saw it even when he was an infant in the way he interacted with us and others.

Given that both his dad and I are introverts, it’s not a surprise that his temperament is similar to ours.

If you think your daughter might have an introverted temperament, I recommend reading this book, it’s very good: The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child. http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Gifts-Introverted-Child-Extroverted/dp/0761135243/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323048508&sr=8-1

If you think she really has social issues, I encourage exploring them as she grows (she is still young) and helping her find ways to overcome them. However, if she is truly introverted, if that is simply her nature - it is how she interacts with the world. Trying to change who she fundamentally is can be exhausting and frustrating (for all of you). I’m sure someone else could say that more eloquently.

As far as playdates, I don’t particularly see anything wrong with them - for introverts or extroverts - as long as they aren’t so often she is getting warn out and that she likes them. I would just say to take her cues on them, certainly if she is enjoying them keep them up. Maybe it is just taking a longer time to get into the groove with the preschool. Hard for you to watch, though, if she was very socially active at her daycare.

I hope all works out - lots of good advice here!

[DrSally]

Well, she's only 3, so I can see why the teachers said they were watching it, but not worried. ITA w/setting up playdates (indiv) with those children that she has shown an interest in/connection with. That's how you'll help foster the social process along. I know it's hard not to worry and feel badly, but you can do alot to help things along, and it's still really early for interactive play.

[Kindra178]

What your dd is doing is really normal at this age. She very well may be working on her inner self before she is ready to explore with others. For example, when she was reading in the corner while the others were dancing, was she unhappy, or busy with her own books? I would be more concerned if she were spinning in the corner all by herself, or crying, or sad.

This may not be what you want to hear, but have you considered Montessori school? She would be able to work quietly on her own, but work with others sometimes. Put another way, what she was doing would be totally accepted, valued and expected at a Montessori school.

[wellyes]

Thank you guys, so much. This has helped, I can't even tell you. I am projecting my anxieties on her and you've talked me down. Definitely going to schedule some playdates and get a few books out of the library. I am really happy with the school. It might be that she's really just not clicking with the kids there but - I am not thinking it's due to teacher inadequacy or kids excluding her. The behaviors the teachers described jibe with what I've seen at home and among friends too.

I am so glad to have this place :grouphug:

[mctlaw]

:hug: Wellyes, I have gotten "pulled aside" for similar such concerns and I know exactly how it feels. It really hurts that someone might think there is something "off" about your sweet child. I always told myself at least they care enough to watch these things, but it still hurts regardless.

You have gotten some great advice. Your DD sounds lovely. That on its own would not concern me. I did want to mention some things I've learned about my DS now that he is a little older. As I said, I got very similar feedback on several occasions. But, at the same time, I did plenty of playdates and my DS always got along swimmingly when playing with one other little boy. What we found to be happening in a large group environment, though, is that he was getting overhelmed with sensory stimulation, and he would flee large/busy group activities for a preferred quieter/less bustling environment. Currently this is manifesting less socially, and more with processing things like instructions in kindergarten...his teacher is a very disorganized type and it is really hard for him to focus without getting overwhelmed, because there is so much noise and activity around him. So maybe that might be something to think about, if your DD is exhibiting any other issues with the things that naturally come along with large group activities. But unless your DD has some other issues, I agree, she seems totally within normal range...she is only 3 after all.

[Seitvonzu]

i'm glad your feeling better-- sounds like alot of us here have little introvert kiddos! :) whenever i worry about my kiddo, i think back to something our pediatrician said when our daughter was 9 or 12 months old-- "well, not all kids are circus monkeys!"

he meant that kids aren't all "performers" and definitely not in every environment. his saying that made me relax as a mom who was watching for EVERYTHING to emerge in my child...help me to give this time and realize that much of what i was looking for was about ME and not her (it's hard... i fight this about something new every week!))

sounds like your daughter's doing great. she'll have friends and be okay *hug*

[Seitvonzu]

oh, and i wanted to mention that even though my daughters been having playdates with the same kids for YEARS, she'll still occasionally wander off into her own little world to read or do something else by herself. i used to find her EVERY TIME we hosted-- up in her room, "reading." she'd be SO excited that everyone was coming...and then run away. it drove me batty. it's not so much anymore ...but she still does it (and these are her "friends" who she talks about, plays with all the time, and loves)

i've seen a couple of these same friends do the same thing-- go off for time by themselves. i sure hope it's normal! ;)

[wellyes]

oh, and i wanted to mention that even though my daughters been having playdates with the same kids for YEARS, she'll still occasionally wander off into her own little world to read or do something else by herself. i used to find her EVERY TIME we hosted-- up in her room, "reading." she'd be SO excited that everyone was coming...and then run away. it drove me batty. it's not so much anymore ...but she still does it (and these are her "friends" who she talks about, plays with all the time, and loves)

i've seen a couple of these same friends do the same thing-- go off for time by themselves. i sure hope it's normal! ;)
DD has done that recently: we were hosting, she played for a bit, then grabbed a book. Her friend ended up (happily) playing with 1.5 year old DS for a bit while she "read". I don't know whether to worry/be irritated, or be glad she found a way to get space when she felt she needed it. They reconnected before too long.

I don't want to have to start fretting about social interactions. I know it's a part of parenting for everyone, but I'd rather have a little more time of the pure innocence of play.
But, at the same time, I did plenty of playdates and my DS always got along swimmingly when playing with one other little boy. What we found to be happening in a large group environment, though, is that he was getting overhelmed with sensory stimulation, and he would flee large/busy group activities for a preferred quieter/less bustling environment. Currently this is manifesting less socially, and more with processing things like instructions in kindergarten...his teacher is a very disorganized type and it is really hard for him to focus without getting overwhelmed, because there is so much noise and activity around him. So maybe that might be something to think about, if your DD is exhibiting any other issues with the things that naturally come along with large group activities. But unless your DD has some other issues, I agree, she seems totally within normal range...she is only 3 after all.Some of her reactions to noise and food have had me think I should look into sensory issues. I will look into it. Thanks for the gently-worded advice, it is appreciated.

[Katigre]

One thing I talk with my DS about and have worked to teach him is how to recognize when he needs 'alone time' to recharge, and even talking about it has helped him last longer in a situation and then know he'll get alone time. This has been key at busy/loud family holiday gatherings, and also for how I structure our week with making sure we have at least one 'home day' with nothing planned.

[egoldber]

I am not thinking it's due to teacher inadequacy or kids excluding her.

I wasn't suggesting the school/teacher was inadequate. Sorry if I gave that impression. Just that all classrooms and teachers are different. Every class/teacher combo has a different feel and dynamic. This is based on the mix of teacher and student personality. While individual personality traits may remain somewhat static, how those traits play out within a classroom can vary a lot from year to year.

My older DD (like me) is very much an introvert. She likes people and social interactions, but still needs alone time to recharge. Over the years, some teachers have viewed this as a negative, some not. In some classes there have been kids she really connected with and sometimes there was no one she connected with. Just looking at a one year snapshot of her, you could get a very different impression of her based on the year and the classroom dynamic.

Since this is her first preschool experience, it is hard to say whether this will be typical of her experiences at school or if she is still just settling in, if there is no one she clicks with, etc.

[wimama]

I haven't read all the other responses, but I just wanted to say that DS's friend was like that in daycare. He is one of DS's best friends and we are friends with his family. His mom told me that the teachers told her the same thing, that he didn't interact with the other kids. But, yet when we had playdates DS and the boy played well together. He also played well in smaller groups. I think some kids can get overwhelmed by a large daycare classroom. I would definitely monitor it, but I would try to start having playdates with some of her friends. That way she can get to know and interact with friends on a one to one basis.