If your child gets out of bed at night -- advice?

[hillview]

DS1 is usually an excellent sleeper and if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he goes back to bed.

DS2 is a WHOLE other matter. He cannot get himself to sleep at bed time and he will usually wake up between 2-4 and want to be in our bed. DS2 is 4 years old. At bedtime we put him to sleep by lying next to him, sometimes we can walk out of the room right before he falls asleep. If we try to get him to fall asleep without it it is a knock out drag out battle (think 2 hours). So far he wins every time. He is a very very strong willed child. A parent sitting up in his bed is as bad as leaving the room wrt his protests.

Please suggest a plan. We plan to work on this over the Christmas break (we will both be home). I feel like if we can get him to fall asleep on his own that will be a big step in the right direction? Please weigh in.

Thanks!
/hillary

[niccig]

Maybe decide to concentrate on one thing like going to sleep by himself or staying in bed all night long. I think if you try to do both, it'll be too much.

I do lie with DS when he goes to sleep. We didn't start that way, but for the last year I'm normally so tired, I fall asleep next to him. This isn't an issue for us, so we've left it alone, and he can go to sleep on his own.

We don't let DS come into our bed. We go to him. I should say "I" as I've always done the nights. Now it's only occasionally when he has a nightmare. I go to DS and lie in bed with him and normally spend the night there.

I think I would work on staying in his bed all night. Take him back when he wakes up, tuck him in, maybe stay for a few minutes...and try to not fall asleep..that's never worked for me though, I always fall asleep.

I know others have had luck with using rewards after so many nights, or making a bed beside your bed and he's allowed to sleep there - still in room with you, just hasn't woken you up. My DS sleeps with light partially on, so maybe see if you can make his room more appealing/less scary.

I would do what ever it takes to stop the habit. Friends have an 8 year old that still wakes up a couple times a night and both parents are exhausted. I need my sleep too much to not have DS sleep in his room most nights. I'm not a nice person w/o sleep (really really moody), so I've been pretty strict with him in his own bed.

[mytwosons]

When DS1 was four, we gave in and got him a Diego ready bed, which we put next to our bed. He slept on that thing for almost a year, but we all slept solidly through the night. When the air mattress developed a leak, he went back to his room without any fuss and has slept through the night since.

[SnuggleBuggles]

We have a short and sweet routine here with minimal parental involvement. I try not to do anything that I don't want to become a habit. :) Sometimes ds2 provides a challenge for us though. We try and not negotiate. Mostly we try not to engage. Once we say our good nights, we are off duty unless something is truly needed. We don't ignore things but we are likely to shout out a "go to bed" more than give in to requests. We are terrible parents, aren't we? It seems to work though. Kids seem happy and securely attached.

Beth

[niccig]

ETA I would work out what is the main issue for you and why you want to change it. When DS was young, I was really worried about getting him off bottle/pacifier/sleeping through night when Dr.s/experts etc said you had to do it. A friend of mine was more relaxed with a "he's not going to go to college with a bottle" and she let her boys keep it longer, they then transitioned much easier to the sippy etc. There was no stress, no fuss.

So, if the sleeping arrangement isn't bothering you, then don't worry about it. But, if there is something that isn't working for your family, then concentrate on that.

DS is nearly 7, and as I said in my PP, I normally end up sleeping beside him at bedtime most nights. It's been this way for the past year. He used to go sleep on his own, as I was really strict about that. I was talking to DH about how I should stop this habit and he asked why. DS isn't going to want to do this forever, he has less time with me since I've gone back to school, it's not hurting DS or me (well, me sometimes as sleep too long, so I don't study that night, but if I'm that tired, I wouldn't get much done). DS sleeps through the night in his own bed, will go back there if gets up to use the toilet, he only calls out for us if he's had a nightmare, he goes to sleep on his own if we have a babystitter. So, we've let it go. If it was an issue, then I would deal with it, but it's not for us.

[Green_Tea]

Haven't read all the other replies (taking a break from studying!) but did have this quick thought - he needs to fall asleep under the conditions that will exist all night. If you are not going to be next to him when he wakes up in the middle of the night, then he needs to learn to fall asleep on his own. I remember reading about this when DD1 was a baby, I think in Weissbluth. Think about it like this - every night you wake up with your head on a pillow. One night you wake up and your pillow is GONE. Do you just roll over and go back to sleep? Probably not. You want to find your pillow. So you grow more alert and start looking for it. You probably won't fall back asleep until you find it. Weissbluth uses the example when he talks about the dangers of rocking older babies to sleep - they wake up and think, "Wait! My mom was just here! Where did she go?" but I think it applies to older kids, too. It's hard to expect him to fall back asleep solo when that's not how he started the night. I think it will be really hard to fix the night waking issue without first getting him to fall asleep on his own because one leads to the other.

All that said, I think it's fine to co-sleep/have him sleep in your room/whatever you are OK with. But if you want him to sleep all night in his own room, tackling bedtime is job #1 (IMHO.)

Sleep issues suck. I am sorry you have to deal with them!

[hillview]

Haven't read all the other replies (taking a break from studying!) but did have this quick thought - he needs to fall asleep under the conditions that will exist all night. If you are not going to be next to him when he wakes up in the middle of the night, then he needs to learn to fall asleep on his own. I remember reading about this when DD1 was a baby, I think in Weissbluth. Think about it like this - every night you wake up with your head on a pillow. One night you wake up and your pillow is GONE. Do you just roll over and go back to sleep? Probably not. You want to find your pillow. So you grow more alert and start looking for it. You probably won't fall back asleep until you find it. Weissbluth uses the example when he talks about the dangers of rocking older babies to sleep - they wake up and think, "Wait! My mom was just here! Where did she go?" but I think it applies to older kids, too. It's hard to expect him to fall back asleep solo when that's not how he started the night. I think it will be really hard to fix the night waking issue without first getting him to fall asleep on his own because one leads to the other.

All that said, I think it's fine to co-sleep/have him sleep in your room/whatever you are OK with. But if you want him to sleep all night in his own room, tackling bedtime is job #1 (IMHO.)

Sleep issues suck. I am sorry you have to deal with them!

Agree. I don't mind lying next to him while he falls asleep (less than 10 mins) BUT I don't want him up in the middle of the night and I don't want him in our bed overnight. SO I feel like I do have to stop the fall asleep next to me at bed time gig.

Anyone had success doing this?
TIA
/hillary

[georgiegirl]

My new years resolution 2 years ago was do get dd (who was almost 4 at the time) to fall asleep by herself. I had nursed her to sleep (and coslept) until she was 2.5 and then I just payed down in bed with her until she fell asleep. It would usually take 45 min. And with a newborn (DS was born when dd was almost 3.5), it just wasn't feasible anymore and I had to take action. Fortunately, he's old enough to be reasoned with. What I did with dd was explain that she needed to learn how to fall asleep on her own and that she'd get a prize every night for falling asleep nicely. Well first, I very gradually moved from cuddling her in bed, to just having my hand on her back, to sitting next to her with my hand on her back, to just sitting next to her. Then I told her I'd come back in 1 minute, then 5 minutes. I started leaving when she was close to sleep, and I explained that she would only get a prize if she fell asleep while I wasn't there. She had seen all of the prizes (stuff from target dollar bin, candy canes, and other random small trinkets, coupon for movie day on the weekend, etc.). It took a few weeks before she was going to bed on her own without me checking on her every minute. We also played music for her and had white noise going. She's always been very high needs and a very poor sleeper, so I was very happy that she finally learned to to do it. Oh yeah, I also had an end prize. She wanted a special princess dress, and I said I would get it for her when she went to bed by all by herself consistently (I didn't use that word with her.). We ended up getting her the dress in early march. So it took a good 2 months for her to completely shift over to the new routine.

I'm still cosleeping with DS (2), so I'm sure I'll have to deal with this situation again in the next year or so.

Good luck.