Preschool Phase Where Child Wants You to Choose Everything?

[sste]

As in what t-shirt to wear, what vegetable to eat first, what toy to purchase. DS has finally budged a little from his extreme upset over the finality of death (we are down to 5-6 references per week, no crying, I emphasized that other people believe in heaven and he went with that and have also done a lot of reassuring about all the things we do to stay safe). However, now he seems very anxious about making choices and has been asking us quite anxiously what we think is best, what we would choose. This is a new thing for him. The irony is that DS has fab taste - - in food, clothes, toys, excursions, places he wants to visit.

Anyway, I am concerned that he is just manifesting mild anxiety in different ways - - the death thing, now the choices.

Has anyone gone through this phase? Any ideas? I confess I am also terrible about making choices and can drive myself crazy ordering a meal at a restaurant! Would like to avoid this for DS if possible . . .

[BelleoftheBallFlagstaff]

I wonder if he sees you doing it? I am the same way.

DD is VERY confident in her choices, so much so that it is a battle to change her mind.

Maybe praise how good he is at decision, build confidence. He needs to be confident that his choices are as good as yours. Try saying after he chooses, that is the same I would have picked, you are so good at making choices, etc.

:22:Mama!

[Simon]

Ds1 went through a phase where he wanted Dh or I to make choices or decisions. All choices or options given to him were turned back to us. It lasted several months, as many as 6 or more. I did find that if I agreed to make the choice and did not pick what he wanted that he was sometimes comfortable asserting his opinion/preference. I can't say that it was something that emerged over time but seemed to come and go. I made sure to just go with his correction and chose not to make a big deal out of it.

We did a few different things during this phase. First, Dh and I talked to him about wanting us to make a choice by asking if he was feeling "flexible" about what happened or what he ate. This seemed to work well for him because he will still today sometimes respond to our questions with "I'm flexible, you can choose." This is helpful and I like it better than, "I don't care." We also made sure he understood that it is okay to change your mind and that there isn't a bad/wrong decision (when picking orange or apple juice). He just seemed to feel the weight or power of making decisions and it was heavy for him. The last thing is that Dh and I would also try and verbalize our path to decision making, like modeling how we weighed different options for Ds and that gave him opportunities to chime in with his own idea or to see how we arrive at decisions.

The few times that I did try and pressure him to make a choice did not go well. That seemed to make him anxious. I think he liked having an adult in charge of certain things. He is also the type of kid to really mull things over and I think he found it genuinely difficult to chose between two things he liked equally or to know what he wanted at times.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Is it possible that he gets a little too much praise? You say he has great taste- do you tell him that all the time? Sometimes I wonder if nowadays we applaud for too much. :) I can't remember where I was reading about that phenomenon and how it's sometimes better to hold back the praise so it doesn't get diluted or less meaningful. It hit a chord with me.

My ds2 certainly has some preferences but mostly he just rolls with stuff. I think ds1 was more like your ds but I also know we reinforced it. He was our only and we totally let him call the shots and doted on him like crazy. :) He's a great kid so that didn't really wind up being a bad thing!

Beth

[sste]

Well, we are Olympic-level doters! On the praise, we have been trying hard in recent months to praise his effort or his strategy (or his choice if he finally makes it!) rather than praising him for being clever or a good outcome or things like his exemplary taste. He actually doesn't know we think he has good taste unless he has intuited it from my occasional questions to him about which of my outfits look best on! :) I am sure he does know we think he is clever and has good judgment and is nice kid.

If his parent-teacher conferences are any indication, his preschool teachers praise him a quite a good amount, as do his sitters. DS can be a hellion at home but the feedback we get from others is over the top about his behavior, delightfulness, etc. Strangers are often quite taken with his glasses and he gets alot of praise there too.

I see what you are saying though about praise being alot to live up to. I suspect DS is also oriented toward being intense and perhaps anxious . . .

[maestramommy]

Wow, sometimes I wish my kids had a little of this problem. :tongue5: :hug:

[kbud]

Wow, sometimes I wish my kids had a little of this problem. :tongue5: :hug:

LOL, yeah we had the opposite problem DD had to choose everything herself. It was really hard to get out the door to do anything!

My degree is in human development/family studies and it's not really a stage. The opposite is more common, wanting to express their independence. I wouldn't be concerned though all kids are different and I've thrown everything I learned out the window once I became a mom, none of it seemed to fit as kids are not textbooks. Try giving picking out 2 things and having him choose one from the 2 you've selected.