I think my neighbor is taking advantage of me & my nanny. WWYD?

[luckytwenty]

Trying to make a long story short: my neighbor has two daughters who are the same ages as my oldest two kids (8 and 6). I have a part-time nanny who picks them up after school and oversees them doing their homework and takes them to activities. I also hired her because I wanted the kids to be able to have playdates, which they couldn't do when they were in aftercare. Of course by "having playdates," I meant the kids having friends over AND going to friends' houses.

We live in a gated community and there are many children within walking distance of our house.

So anyway, this neighbor has been sending her girls to my house pretty much every day. If the girls were wonderful and adorable, that wouldn't be such a big deal, but the youngest is a nasty little thing. I wouldn't say my son is hypersensitive by any stretch, but one day I came home and he was sitting on the floor of his closet with his eyes full of tears, and he told me some of the horrible things this girl said to him. I called the mom ASAP and said that her daughter cannot come over anymore if she is mean. The mom apologized and said she will tell her daughter that.

The next day she came over and was defiant to the nanny, so the nanny sent her home.

I've now told the nanny that the girls can't come over more than twice a week (they try to come over every day) and that at the first sign of meanness, to send them home. She told me it is hard because my daughter always asks to see them (even though they can be mean to her.)

This whole situation is starting to really upset me. I can't stand this mom, for one thing. I think she is lazy and self-absorbed (basing this after knowing her for years, not this particular situation.) I don't want my kids around mean children. But the issue that remains is that these girls walk over every day, knock on the door, and my nanny feels bad turning them away, especially when MY daughter begs for them to come in.

How should I handle this?

[Ceepa]

Set up a schedule so there is a firm response to your kids and the neighbors. "We can have visitors come play on Tuesday and Friday only, and everyone has to follow the rules of the house, respect one another, help clean up after, etc."

This would also take your nanny out of an awkward position having to tell the kids daily why they can't play.

[wellyes]

I would tell the mom that only the older child is welcome until the younger one gets past this mean phase - you could word is 'because the kids just haven't been clicking socially recently'. That would give your child a playdate companion, rid yourself of the challenging child and stop the other mother from putting the childcare burden solely on your household.

ETA: well, Ceepa's answer is more reasonable and nicer. But I think mine would feel more satisfying LOL.

[JustMe]

I don't know if this will work with how people do things in your community, but here is one suggestion. Pre-arrange all the playdates you want for your kids with the parents of those kids by the beginning of the work-week. Give the schedule to your nanny on Monday, and tell her these ar all the playdates your kids should have for the week. If any other kids come over or if your dd asks to play with the neighbor, she responds that she needs to follow your instructions.

Alternative 2-which is more flexible and may work a lot better. Set 2 specific days when the neighbors you mention may come over. Let the mom know they are invited over those days, but your kids are not available to play the other days. Reinforce that if things don't go well, the nanny will send the kids home even on those days. Give nanny and your kids the same instructions, and tell the nanny to remind others she has to follow your instructions if they push.

[m448]

what would your nanny do if the child acting up were your child? Would she rescript, correct and then do a break for the child if they couldn't do better? Would she offer a snack or a change of scenery? If your child wants to play with the girls and your nanny has held back on correction because these aren't her children to watch then I would give her the go ahead to full on correction/supervision while they are playing with your kids with the option as you stated to send them home if they couldn't keep it together.

However if there's absolutely no benefit to playing with these girls and they don't respond to your nanny's correction then I would just say not over and over. Your job and your nanny's job is to keep your kids safe physically and emotionally. I don't let people who are rude into my company when they choose to insist on being rude. So I would not allow someone around my kids who after being corrected chose to continue this behavior even if my kids liked them. Sometimes immature people feel they have to continue in a relationship for fear of nothing better coming along and kids are still maturing individuals.

[Nicsmom]

I've been in a similar situation so I understand what you are going through. I think this is a very good opportunity to remind your daughter that good friends are never mean to their friends and that she should not spend time with them if they don't treat her and her siblings with respect. Explain to her that you have to limit these girls visits until they learn to be good friends.

As for the girls constantly going to your house, you set the rules. This I learned here at the BBB board and it has worked very well for us. Don't feel bad about turning them away. They will understand the message, the same way they will learn that when they are mean, they are sent back home.

[hillview]

Gosh that stinks. I would find OTHER play dates/get out of the house. I would NOT send my child over to their house because it sounds like they are mean. I would focus on extending relationships with other kids/families this one sounds like it is not a good set up.
GOOD LUCK!

[mariza]

Ugh, I have a very similar situation except I don't have a nanny and have to deal with neighbor girl myself. Mom is always at work or the gym and the 6 year old has been in the care of her brothers who are only 10 and 16 (since she was 2!) Neighbor girl gets off the bus and immediately comes here. You can't talk to the mom because it sounds like she is just like my neighbor. She will "yes" you to death or come up with excuses as to why her kids behavior is everyone's fault but her own. Technically, you could talk to her but it sounds like she doesn't listen. Can you ask if your kids can have a play date at their house? If this was an option is try it. In my case it's not an option because there is no adult supervision and I don't trust the 10 year old.
I have to set big limits with my neighbor girl. I allow her to come over because both my kids love her (and i deel bad for her) but the second there are tears from anyone, neighbor goes home.
Can your nanny take your kids out for other activities like a trip to the library or a park if it's nice enough.
It sounds crazy but I signed my kids up for activities JUST to keep them away from some neighbor kids.
Lately I've been telling the kids they can only play until it gets dark which around here is 4:30 so that only gives them about an hour to play.
When I have babysitters here I tell them bluntly I'm not paying the sitter to watch 3 kids and send her home. It's rough, I totally sympathize :(

[Melaine]

I would probably say that you are taking a break from playdates because the holidays are so busy. Then maybe re-evaluate after the New Year and see if you'd like to try again (not sure I would!)

[luckytwenty]

what would your nanny do if the child acting up were your child? Would she rescript, correct and then do a break for the child if they couldn't do better? Would she offer a snack or a change of scenery? If your child wants to play with the girls and your nanny has held back on correction because these aren't her children to watch then I would give her the go ahead to full on correction/supervision while they are playing with your kids with the option as you stated to send them home if they couldn't keep it together.

However if there's absolutely no benefit to playing with these girls and they don't respond to your nanny's correction then I would just say not over and over. Your job and your nanny's job is to keep your kids safe physically and emotionally. I don't let people who are rude into my company when they choose to insist on being rude. So I would not allow someone around my kids who after being corrected chose to continue this behavior even if my kids liked them. Sometimes immature people feel they have to continue in a relationship for fear of nothing better coming along and kids are still maturing individuals.

My nanny has repeatedly corrected her and yesterday sent her home. My own kids do not act like this, so her job becomes harder when she has to supervise these kids. I'm not saying she never has to correct them, but these kids are both tougher than my own kids (I know this from weekend playdates where I've told them to stop standing on the dining room table--seriously.)

I like the idea of scheduling this stuff out and then just letting the neighbor know. I wish I could just say the kids can never come over, but occasionally she does do me a favor and watch my kids. I just hope the youngest outgrows meanness. Her big sister used to be awful and seems to have softened in recent years.

[wimama]

I don't know if this will work with how people do things in your community, but here is one suggestion. Pre-arrange all the playdates you want for your kids with the parents of those kids by the beginning of the work-week. Give the schedule to your nanny on Monday, and tell her these ar all the playdates your kids should have for the week. If any other kids come over or if your dd asks to play with the neighbor, she responds that she needs to follow your instructions.

Alternative 2-which is more flexible and may work a lot better. Set 2 specific days when the neighbors you mention may come over. Let the mom know they are invited over those days, but your kids are not available to play the other days. Reinforce that if things don't go well, the nanny will send the kids home even on those days. Give nanny and your kids the same instructions, and tell the nanny to remind others she has to follow your instructions if they push.

:yeahthat: She is totally taking advantage of you. It sounds like she just wants to get her kids out of the house. Stand your ground and set firm boundaries with her. I would stress the importance of the nanny sending them home if her kids are not acting appropriately. I would also get busy setting up other play dates. I bet your oldest would be more than happy playing with other kids and she is likely asking to play with this neighbor girl because of the familiarity and routine of it all now. If you kids are busy with other play dates, then the neighbors kids shouldn't be allowed to crash the play date. Hopefully the mom will get the message.

[luckytwenty]

It sounds crazy but I signed my kids up for activities JUST to keep them away from some neighbor kids.

Not crazy to me--I just got rid of Friday and Tuesday as playdate days because we were planning to do piano lessons and OT for my son's fine motor skills ANYWAY...but I must confess that this might have lit a fire under me to move on these earlier!!

[luckytwenty]

Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely going to get busy planning out the week better and will let the neighbor know that my kids are getting busier. I think the thing that bothers me is that in the three months since we've had the nanny, my kids have never been invited to her house while her kids are taking over mine.

[BabbyO]

Thanks for the advice. I'm definitely going to get busy planning out the week better and will let the neighbor know that my kids are getting busier. I think the thing that bothers me is that in the three months since we've had the nanny, my kids have never been invited to her house while her kids are taking over mine.

Well, when you set up your (limited) play dates with this family be SURE to set up at least half of them at THEIR house.

[minnie-zb]

I understand. One thing I've found which helps with my girls is I tell them in the morning that there won't be any playdates that day for x or y reason. I don't like them having playdates every day after school -- they get tired and cranky and it makes the rest of the evening so much harder. I've found this to work pretty well as most of the playdates get arranged by the kids on the bus or right as they are walking home. It is not perfect, but it does help. Especially since my youngest always wants a playdate even if she's not getting along with the other girls.

[marylovesbennyhill]

Frankly I feel badly for your nanny. Are you paying her extra money to deal with this brat? I am not trying to make you feel badly but ate you taking advantage of her?

[roseyloxs]

I would put the blame on the nanny since I don't think this neighbor will have the guts to confront her. Tell your neighbor that watching 4 kids has become a burden to the nanny and the kids are having trouble finishing all their homework with the constant visitors. Say that the nanny has asked for the playdates to be planned in advance so that she knows what to expect each day. Since you love your nanny so much you also don't want to overload her so you will probably only plan a few playdates a month. Then maybe plan one right there for a week away or something to show that you aren't completely evicting them from the house.

[marylovesbennyhill]

Roseylox...I respectfully disagree. It is not the nanny who should be blamed
It is the child and the mother. I used to be a nanny and I canno t begin to tell you how poorly childcare providers are treated and paid.

[MMMommy]

What I find particularly annoying is that the mother allows her two girls to just walk over and knock on your door everyday. Maybe I'm too structured and rigid, but we just never do that. If we ever have playdates, they are usually planned in advance (or sometimes last minute), but always with parental consent on both sides. We never just walk over and knock on people's doors hoping they will let us in. Does this mother think you are a free babysitting service for her girls? I would put my foot down on this one and tell the mom that you can only do playdates on X days at X time and on your terms. I also agree with PPs and think it isn't fair for your nanny to have to watch two extra kids almost daily. I assume she isn't being paid any extra to watch over these playdates.

[div_0305]

Well, when you set up your (limited) play dates with this family be SURE to set up at least half of them at THEIR house.

Please don't send your kids to their house for now! You will have no idea what is going on and whether the mom is supervising/correcting the mean child! I don't think you want them to go there, but I saw this post and had to reply.

[kellij]

Another thing you could do is tell her that your nanny is only being paid to watch 2 kids and if her two are there every day it's not really fair for the nanny to have to watch 4 kids and get paid for 2. If she'd like to hire the nanny to watch her two after school, she said she'd do it x amount. :)

I have a 1.5 year old, a 5.5 year old and a almost 7 year old. The big kids are IN LOVE with the 7 year old a couple of doors down. They beg to play with her every day. I try to either have them invite her to our house, or make sure it's okay with their mom first (and I don't let them go all the time either). But it's tough because they always want to play with her and I'm pregnant and have another one that needs constant supervision. I'm rambling, I'm just saying, if we have all of that going on and don't let our kids go to their house regularly, surely she can do a better job telling her kids no.

[luckytwenty]

Frankly I feel badly for your nanny. Are you paying her extra money to deal with this brat? I am not trying to make you feel badly but ate you taking advantage of her?

When I hired her, I told her that the gig was school pick-up, homework, activities and playdates. She started out as a camp counselor at my kids' camp and told me she was happy to supervise more than just my kids.

That being said, these kids require more work than my kids and other friends they have who come over because they (especially the younger one) are not well-behaved. Which is why I told her that she could say no whenever she wanted to--and now I am telling her they can't come over more than twice a week, if at all. I don't think I am taking advantage of her because playdates were always part of the deal. And because these girls are not "mandatory."

[doberbrat]

Whatever happened to Calling first to ask if its ok for Susie to come over and play???

If I were the nanny, I'd put my foot down b/c if the kids are at your house adn she sends them home b/c of behavior and something happens to them, guess who will be blamed?

[artvandalay]

I think you need to speak directly with your neighbor. I don't understand why she would let her kids come over to your house every single day (and especially not ever invite your kids over to her house for a change!). I think that's very rude.

I would tell her her kids can come over on Tuesdays (or whatever day you want) and that if she would like, perhaps they can set up a day for your kids to go to her house.

[Momit]

I would talk to the other mom and say that you really value your nanny and want to keep her happy, and you feel like you need to pay her more because she essentially has 2 more kids to watch. Tell her your kids will come knock on ber door once in a while when it's ok to play but it can't be a daily thing. That way they won't come knocking and upset your DD or make the nanny be the one to say no. It doesn't seem like you should have to send your kids to activities just to get them away from these neighbors. Sounds to me like the mom just wants to scam free child care.

[sweetsue98]

Set up a schedule so there is a firm response to your kids and the neighbors. "We can have visitors come play on Tuesday and Friday only, and everyone has to follow the rules of the house, respect one another, help clean up after, etc."

This would also take your nanny out of an awkward position having to tell the kids daily why they can't play.

I agree this is a great option. Set schedule so everyone knows what to expect.

[daisymommy]

I have flat out told a child in our neighborhood, to their face, when they came over that they could not play with my child because they were not playing nicely, and they were using mean words. It was a few months until they asked again (which was fine by us!), and then things were alot better. I think it really sent a message to them that they would not have a friend to play with due to their own behavior choices.

So personally, I would let the nanny tell the child that.

Or, I would call the mom and tell her that the girls were not getting along lately, and I was sorry, but we would need to take a break for awhile from playdates.

I don't really see how setting up a schedule helps, when you don't want a bratty mean kid over to your house at all. No matter what day of the week it is.

[luckytwenty]

IOr, I would call the mom and tell her that the girls were not getting along lately, and I was sorry, but we would need to take a break for awhile from playdates.

I don't really see how setting up a schedule helps, when you don't want a bratty mean kid over to your house at all. No matter what day of the week it is.

You're right. I really should do that. I guess I am just worried about shooting myself in the foot in case I have some kind of emergency and need help in a pinch. It's pretty rare that I've ever needed help, but she's home all the time and lives across the street from me.

[daisymommy]

Then maybe it would be best to go the route of "the girls aren't getting along....yada yada" because if someone told me that, I wouldn't take it personally, just that our kids were both at an awkward play stage as kids. And if an emergency came up and the neighbor called me in a pinch, of course I would still help out. But thats me :)

[roseyloxs]

Roseylox...I respectfully disagree. It is not the nanny who should be blamed
It is the child and the mother. I used to be a nanny and I canno t begin to tell you how poorly childcare providers are treated and paid.

Sorry but that's not what I meant. I was trying to say to avoid awkwardness with the other mother she could explain that her kids were overwhelming the nanny aka blame the nanny not necessarily the neighbor's kids (to her face anyway). I didn't actually think the nanny was ever the problem. She sounds wonderful.