XH left 8.5 DD alone in house for 30 min

[mom2binsd]

UGH!!!!

Came home to find out XH (who was over at our house for a specific reason) had left DD who is 8.5 alone while he went to the post office, about 15 min away and left the garage door open and the door to garage was unlocked.

I came home with DS and discovered her alone watching tv, she said she didn't want to go to the Post office so daddy let her stay (and apparently it's happened before).

He doesn't get why I"m ticked off...says "I'm sure you'll make a big deal about this"....

DD is not terribly mature either.

Would you be mad?

[egoldber]

No, I would not be mad. That is the age we started leaving older DD alone in the house occasionally for short periods of time. Going to the post office and back, run to the pharmacy for a prescription, etc.

I know it is a minority opinion here, but I think this type of responsibility is good for kids.

ETA: I would definitely prefer to have discussed this first. DH and I had discussed it and I do admit I was a little nervous the first few times we left her like that.

[crayonblue]

I would talk to him about it and just explain your concerns. I looked up the laws in my state and there is no specific age minimum for leaving at home although 8 years old is the general thought. I've seen 12 years old mentioned.

I haven't left DD at home except to walk down the street for the mail or to knock on a neighbor's door or something. But, I suspect in the next 6 months or so, we will start leaving her for short periods of time (she just turned 8).

[crl]

I don't leave ds yet, but he's that age and I let him roam the neighborhood while I am inside. Not that different. I don't think I'd be all that upset.

Catherine

[niccig]

I know it is a minority opinion here, but I think this type of responsibility is good for kids.

Not in the minority with me, I'm starting to give DS more indep.

DS was 6.5 yo and I had to go to pharmacy and he didn't want to come with and asked why he couldn't stay home. I was gone for 10 mins - it's a few blocks from home, small indep. pharmacy and I've never waited to be served. Before I went, I made sure he understood that I would be gone, he had the phone and knows how to call my cell number.

I was surprised he wanted to do it and he was OK. I don't think I'll do it again though, I wasn't fine and scared that he was freaked out at home. He was watching TV and AOK the whole time...and very proud of himself. He called DH when I got back to tell him all about it.

[mom_hanna]

I would not be mad if it were my dd, but I think it depends on the kid if they are ready to be left alone or not. Your xdh believes your dd is capable of handling herself alone for a short period of time. You probably need to figure out if it's a fight you want to take up, or if you can let your xdh make these kind of decisions when she is with him. It sounds like a really difficult thing to deal with. Sorry.

[KrisM]

It's a bit long if it's not been worked up to, but otherwise, I think that's a good age to start doing that. I've left DS1 alone for a very short time, but he's only 7.5. DD would like to be left alone, but she's only 5.5.

So, I might be mad that it wasn't discussed with me, but not that it happened.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'd feel ok with it. Sounds like having it happen made it at least something you can discuss and plan about.

Beth

[Uno-Mom]

I'm not there yet, obviously, but I think we plan to build some independence by that age.

But i might be mad since this obviously wasn't planned for. I would want to plan for this and practice some home-alone safety skills with my child before just jumping into it.

[wellyes]

He should have talked about it with you first, but I can understand why he didn't think this was that big of a deal. It was not a totally moronic or dunderheaded choice on his part. Mothers definitely tend to be more risk-averse than fathers.

[JoyNChrist]

I'm not there yet, obviously, but I think we plan to build some independence by that age.

But i might be mad since this obviously wasn't planned for. I would want to plan for this and practice some home-alone safety skills with my child before just jumping into it.

:yeahthat:

I don't think I'd be mad about her actually staying alone, but that I wasn't informed and we hadn't had a chance to plan for it.

[Cam&Clay]

No, I would not be mad. That is the age we started leaving older DD alone in the house occasionally for short periods of time. Going to the post office and back, run to the pharmacy for a prescription, etc.

I know it is a minority opinion here, but I think this type of responsibility is good for kids.

I did this when DS1 was that age. I did, however, make sure everything was locked up. I would be back within 30 minutes.

[mariza]

I would be mad that he left the house "open" but not for leaving DC alone. I think at that age it's ok and even good for fostering independence, but he should have absolutely made sure everything was locked up. I won't even take a shower without the house being locked and the alarm on.

[JBaxter]

No not at all. Its legal in Maryland to leave a 8 yr old home alone for short periods of time. Ive done it and will do it again. My boys by age 8 knew the rules. If I was gone what they were allowed and not allowed to do. 8 is a mini milestone here Nathan keeps asking when I need to leave for a short time so he can stay alone. ( he was 8 last month).

[Uno-Mom]

No not at all. Its legal in Maryland to leave a 8 yr old home alone for short periods of time. Ive done it and will do it again. My boys by age 8 knew the rules. If I was gone what they were allowed and not allowed to do. 8 is a mini milestone here Nathan keeps asking when I need to leave for a short time so he can stay alone. ( he was 8 last month).

That was totally me at that age!

But I would only leave an 8 year old after I trusted they "know the rules" like your kids do.

[JBaxter]

That was totally me at that age!

But I would only leave an 8 year old after I trusted they "know the rules" like your kids do.

But its one of those things like teaching stranger danger that does not happen in one day. The hole lead up to getting to be left alone should be started months/year in advance. You never know when an emergency can happen children must be prepared to handle things on their own.

[sadie427]

Apparently I'm in the minority but I would be mad. I don't leave my 8 year old alone and don't see the advantage of doing that quite yet. (He climbed up on a counter to get cookies and fell off just the other day, and I was home!) I would want a big build-up to that including making sure he knew what to do in different emergencies and that we had practiced using the phone to call various people. I would also want it discussed with me.

[Uno-Mom]

But its one of those things like teaching stranger danger that does not happen in one day. The hole lead up to getting to be left alone should be started months/year in advance. You never know when an emergency can happen children must be prepared to handle things on their own.

Yep! And I'd look at those 30 minute times alone as part of the preparation to walk to the store by themselves when a bit older...then ride public transportation safely....then learn to drive someday... It all builds on earlier skills. Or at least that's how it worked for me. I think this is an area where my parents did a great job.

Op, good luck sorting this out with dh! It's a bummer that he doesn't understand your concerns. :(

[lalasmama]

I would be mad if *someone else* made that decision without telling me in advance, because, like others, I believe it needs to be a thought-out-in-advance decision. Does the child follow instructions? Know how to call 911, and/or parents on the phone? Will the child feel safe enough with a locked up home and no parent? Will the child not answer the door for anyone? The safety aspects go on and on.

DD is almost 8. I'm thinking that I will allow her to stay home by herself in the next few months, when the neighbors are home (we have a duplex), so that there's a mom "there" if she needs it, but not "right there" if that makes sense. I leave her in a locked car (with the alarm on) to run into the 7-11 now or run inside to pay for gas. I'll admit we live in a very safe area. Carjackings are unheard of, and everyone knows everyone, which definitely colors my opinion!

[crl]

I can see the concern about whether the child has been adequately prepared. I've got to admit that I make decisions like this without calling dh first.

For example: He's at work. So, I need to walk the dog--Golden Retriever puppy, I'm going to be gone for about an hour. Baby goes in stroller. 8 year old is outside playing with his friends and doesn't want to come along. I stop at a neighbor's and ask if ds can come to her in case of emergency, let ds know to go to L's house if he needs anything, and I take off. I don't call dh at work to ask him. I'm the parent on the scene, I make the decisions. I would expect dh to do the same.

Catherine

[kerridean]

Wow! I am really surprised at the responses. There is no way at all that I would feel comfortable leaving my 8 year old DD alone at all. I am not an overprotective mom either. Huh. I guess this is one where I am in the minority.

[kijip]

I think he should have discussed with you and more importantly locked that door. However, I remember catching the bus cross town at 9 and walking home from school alone younger than that. At 10 I was a latchkey kid in charge of my 8 year old brother. At 11 I was babysitting for neighbors and 12 I got a job. So I do think that with the right kid, and for limited time, 8-9 is not too young to be left alone.

Funny you should mention this TODAY but I was home alone with the boys today and T really did not want to stop reading to walk to the drugstore, which is about 3 blocks away. So I took Finn with me and left him home for the first time. He knows how to use the phone well and has a lot of numbers memorized, including my cell which I took after writing the number down just in case he could not remember if he got worried. I also told him that I had a key and that if the doorbell rang don't walk downstairs to get the door, it was just the ups man or something and they would leave the package. I of course was nervous when I was doing it but when I got back, he was fine and excited that I trusted him. I don't think I would go more than a few blocks away at this point or do it at night, but I was pleased that he did so well. I was not gone long, just stopped at the drugstore and then grabbed takeout (which I had called ahead so it was waiting for me). He is 8.5. when I rang the doorbell on my return to see if he would remember he did not come to the door. :)

[Rainbows&Roses]

Wow! I am really surprised at the responses. There is no way at all that I would feel comfortable leaving my 8 year old DD alone at all. I am not an overprotective mom either. Huh. I guess this is one where I am in the minority.

Yes, my DD is a very mature 8 and there is no way would I leave her home alone. Too many things can happen randomly and because she is clumsy. IMO 8 is way too young to be able to rationally handle a whole bunch of situations that can arise even if that only means making a phone call when something does happen.

Actually I am pretty sure my DD wouldn't want to be left alone either as she is nervous about just leaving her room when we are still asleep and she wakes up first.

[erosenst]

Somewhat surprised that I'm in the majority - but agree that's it's not inappropriate for an 8.5 year old to be left alone for 30 minutes. DD will be 8 next month, and we've begun discussing leaving her while we run to the store, etc. (If all went well, could run pick something up and be back in 20 minutes; if it didn't, might be closer to 30.) Everyone is ok in concept - so guessing we'll try it relatively soon.

I left her last year for 5 minutes to pick up a friend down the street in an ice storm. It was likely it would only be 5 minutes...but if I had gotten stuck, would have been a very slow walk back so might have been 10-15. We discussed the do's/don't - the big difference was that I was kind of within eyesight.

Having said that - DH and I have discussed (and, in full disclosure, he was shocked at first that we were close to this, but now agrees), and I understand why you would have like to have discussed with XH first.

[brittone2]

I would consider leaving my almost 8 yo home for very short periods of time in the coming year (we haven't yet), but it would have been nice to have been incorporated into the decision making process in your situation.

[lalasmama]

Wow! I am really surprised at the responses. There is no way at all that I would feel comfortable leaving my 8 year old DD alone at all. I am not an overprotective mom either. Huh. I guess this is one where I am in the minority.

Kerridean--this is a pretty recent development for me, personally. It's only been the last few weeks that I've been thinking "well, maybe". For my family, a lot of little things have been going right, and DD's been showing a lot more maturity recently. However, it's because of things like having the neighbor on the other side of the wall, knowing that DD won't answer the door for anyone (we're teaching her a code word to open the door for our neighbor), her making increasingly good choices on her own ("I would never do that, because that's not safe" even when something sounds/looks fun but hasn't been okayed by me), her understanding of when and why to call 911, and what will be asked for (her name, our full address including city and state, the nearest cross-street, what kind of emergency it is, etc), her choice to stay in the car while I run into 7-11 (she reads her book, doesn't unbuckle), her appropriate choices made while I'm working outside and she chose to stay inside.

To be honest, of course the idea scares the living daylights out of me. But, I've been realizing that at her age, I stayed home alone often. And I was barely 8.5yo when I became a latch-key kid. I can't keep her in a safety bubble forever, as much as I would love to. And these small bits of added responsibility will add up to a teenager who knows how to make better big decisions based on the smaller decisions I'll have let her make up to then. At least that's what I'm hoping!

[mousemom]

I would definitely be angry that the house was not locked up, as basic home security would be part of what I would want to be "teaching" the child about being at home alone. I'd also be angry that it had happened before without your knowledge (and possibly was purposely kept secret?), and it sounds like it was probably done without the kind of preparation that I would want to give before it happened (i.e. make sure child knows contact phone numbers, what to do in an emergency, etc.).

[megs4413]

I would definitely be angry that the house was not locked up, as basic home security would be part of what I would want to be "teaching" the child about being at home alone. I'd also be angry that it had happened before without your knowledge (and possibly was purposely kept secret?), and it sounds like it was probably done without the kind of preparation that I would want to give before it happened (i.e. make sure child knows contact phone numbers, what to do in an emergency, etc.).

yes to all of this! i would be livid.

[mom2binsd]

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I think the thing that makes me angry is that, he left the garage door open and with no cars in it there it's an open invitation, and there have been a number of breakin's through open garage doors when people are actually home recently AND XH doesn't think....I found out that when DD was 4 he let her ride in the front seat of his car for the 3 mile ride, she was not in a booster and her carseat was in the back but he thought it would be fun....this summer while I was working and he was watching/asleep on the couch the DC's they were at the neighbors for 2 hours before he realized they weren't around (neighbor assumed they had asked dad to come over, he called me at work wondering where they might be).

I also didn't mention, I called him when I got home and noticed the garage door open, asked if his opener was broken, he said no, and said "so you called me to tell me the garage is open" in his best PO'd voice....no mention of the fact that DD was at home alone...I was still in the car when I called and he knew I hadn't been in the house. Even if he'd said "hey DD was watching a show and really content so I let her stay home and made sure she knew not to answer the door/telephone or go outside" I might have reacted better.

IF we had discussed letting DD stay home maybe this would be ok...but it's not something we've talked about, probably because she has a younger brother and I think having both of them home alone is a recipe for disaster (they love each other and then the next minute are fighting like siblings do!).

I guess as we return to mediation to "tweak" the parenting agreement we'll discuss making changes to normal activities such as this and that this type of thing should be discussed first.

[JBaxter]

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I think the thing that makes me angry is that, he left the garage door open and with no cars in it there it's an open invitation, and there have been a number of breakin's through open garage doors when people are actually home recently AND XH doesn't think....I found out that when DD was 4 he let her ride in the front seat of his car for the 3 mile ride, she was not in a booster and her carseat was in the back but he thought it would be fun....this summer while I was working and he was watching/asleep on the couch the DC's they were at the neighbors for 2 hours before he realized they weren't around (neighbor assumed they had asked dad to come over, he called me at work wondering where they might be).

I also didn't mention, I called him when I got home and noticed the garage door open, asked if his opener was broken, he said no, and said "so you called me to tell me the garage is open" in his best PO'd voice....no mention of the fact that DD was at home alone...I was still in the car when I called and he knew I hadn't been in the house. Even if he'd said "hey DD was watching a show and really content so I let her stay home and made sure she knew not to answer the door/telephone or go outside" I might have reacted better.

IF we had discussed letting DD stay home maybe this would be ok...but it's not something we've talked about, probably because she has a younger brother and I think having both of them home alone is a recipe for disaster (they love each other and then the next minute are fighting like siblings do!).

I guess as we return to mediation to "tweak" the parenting agreement we'll discuss making changes to normal activities such as this and that this type of thing should be discussed first.

Aren't X's nifty? My X thought it OK to leave a 16 yr home alone for the WEEKEND last spring. I found out about it from the police when I had to go retrieve him. Lets say that ended joint custody. Xs are Xs for very good reasons. If yours is like mine he will remind you of that fact OVER and OVER for the rest of your life. I have 10 months left till Connor turns 18.

[MMMommy]

Wow! I am really surprised at the responses. There is no way at all that I would feel comfortable leaving my 8 year old DD alone at all. I am not an overprotective mom either. Huh. I guess this is one where I am in the minority.

This is me too!

[KpbS]

I would definitely be angry that the house was not locked up, as basic home security would be part of what I would want to be "teaching" the child about being at home alone. I'd also be angry that it had happened before without your knowledge (and possibly was purposely kept secret?), and it sounds like it was probably done without the kind of preparation that I would want to give before it happened (i.e. make sure child knows contact phone numbers, what to do in an emergency, etc.).

Yes, this would bother me a lot. A lot. I am nuts about locking my house and the thought of my child being home alone in an unlocked house with the garage door up (open) is terrifying to me. I would leave my 8 yo with some prep about staying home alone and a phone with access to contact numbers but not for 30 min., more like 5-10, maybe 15.

[JustMe]

Yes, this would bother me a lot. A lot. I am nuts about locking my house and the thought of my child being home alone in an unlocked house with the garage door up (open) is terrifying to me. I would leave my 8 yo with some prep about staying home alone and a phone with access to contact numbers but not for 30 min., more like 5-10, maybe 15.

:yeahthat:

[s7714]

I would be o.k. leaving my 8.5 year old home alone for that short of period of time. She OTOH would be sobbing and clinging to my leg at the sheer mention of such an idea, so it's not going to happen anytime soon. I would not be thrilled with the fact everything was left unlocked however.

[DebbieJ]

DS1 just turned 8 and I have left him at home briefly a few times already. Just quick runs to the bank, PO, gas station. I locked all the doors, told him not to open the door no matter what. Most of the time he was engrossed in a Wii game or movie so he barely noticed I was gone. I took DS2 with me, of course.

[essnce629]

I'd be mad that the garage door was wide open and the door was unlocked. That's ridiculous and makes your house an easy target if someone was around looking for trouble. DS1 is 8 and we left him home alone for about 15 minutes a few months ago when we went for a walk around the block with DS2 and he didn't want to come. But everything was locked up, he knew not to open the door, and all the important phone numbers are already plugged into our phone. I wouldn't leave him again though till we had more detailed talks on what to do/not do in certain situations.