S/O splurges: WTD if your splurges don't match your partner's?

[ourbabygirl]

I grew up in a family that's very financially comfortable; DH grew up very poor. I became a teacher and scaled back my lifestyle & expectations quite a bit to fit my salary, etc., whereas DH has been doing well in his career path and making a good amount of money, but he wants to really live it up now since he couldn't when he was young, and he doesn't want to wait until retirement because he wants to be in good shape and young enough to enjoy it. His mom isn't even 60 but is in really poor health; there's no saying how long she'll be around, and he doesn't want to end up like her.

Sorry... got a little off-topic. Anyhow, how do you come to an agreement on what to splurge and what to save on? Especially if one of you is more of a saver, but the one who's the bigger spender is the one who makes the money? (I'm a SAHM.) Is there any way to 'reel in' someone who didn't have much of anything growing up, has worked hard for his money and wants to be able to enjoy it now? Are there areas that you and your spouse don't agree on in terms of splurging, and how do you compromise?

Thanks! :)

[smilequeen]

I would maybe talk with a financial planner. There are ways to both save for retirement AND enjoy what you have while you have it. IMO you should enjoy it now, but within reason to where you have enough put away to maintain a decent lifestyle forever.

[maestramommy]

I'd say constant communication. Dh grew up mostly middle class. My family was technically middle class (in terms of education), but money was extremely tight. Then I became a teacher so even if I wanted to splurge I couldn't. Dh's parents were very frugal and he is just like them, so it's very very hard for him to spluge. Mainly he does it when he feels like being frugal in a certain area isn't worth the money saved. However, we talk about this all the time. One thing that bothers us is that even if we scrimped and saved for the kids' college fund, it still might not be enough, they'd take every cent we saved, and we dont' know what the FA picture would be like, if we'd qualify, etc. Whereas if we just live it up now, and have next to nothing when the kids reach college age, we might get a huge FA package. Of course we'd do nothing like that, we're just not that kind of people. But it kind burns when we hear of people doing just that. As it is I feel as though the only scholarships our kids would qualify for are merit based. Which means they'd have to be brilliant, or have tiger parents. And we just don't have the stomach to be tiger parents, even if we agreed with that philosophy.

Sorry for the OT! It's just that we were talking about our spending last night. What we'd like to splurge on, but probably won't:p My main point is, keep talking about it, try to come to some kind of agreement you both can live with.

[mikala]

We don't have this exact situation but in general have found that it works best for us to budget for our expenses and a % of income to savings first. Once we've done that it's easier to see what's even available for "splurges" and to recognize when a new monthly expense like a car payment just doesn't make sense.

It might also make sense to set aside a certain amount of "mad money" each month for each of you that can be spent no questions asked.

I'd also encourage you to continue thinking about it as "our" money even though DH is the one with the salary. Your SAHM work has a ton of value and likely allows him to put more attention towards his paying job because he isn't taking time off for sick kids or helping with daycare dropoffs.

Are you using anything like Mint to organize your finances currently? Some of the graphs and other tools there can be helpful.

[gatorsmom]

I think it depends on what he wants to splurge on. Is it something that could be used by the whole family? Will it have decent resale value? It is something that will give him quality time with the kids? Is it good for his health?

My DH and I have run into similar problems. He likes expensive toys. I don't need all that. I;m more of a bookworm. :tongue5: But DH is practical about his purchases. He will buy something used for a good price and then sell it for more or break even at the least. He did that with his waterski boat. He'd always wanted his own boat. So, he bought a very old used one, made some repairs to it (all the while we were using it in the summers), and detailed it himself and sold it for more than he paid a few years later. He did that 2 more times and eventually bought a new boat that he loves and we use as a family. He uses it much more often with friends than we do as a family but I think we'll be taking the kids out more and more as they get older.

DH was thinking about buying a pontoon boat but even he admitted we probably wouldn't use it that much. We thought about going in with another couple but never found another couple interested in sharing one.

DH also bought an expensive bicycle lately. I was fully supportive of this because he needs more exercise. If a quality bike will encourage him to ride more or to join a cycling group, it;s cheaper than heart surgery. kwim?

DH bought a used golf cart a few years ago and I was really angry. First, it couldn't seat our whole family. (Some golf carts are big enough to fit us all but this one wasn't). Second, we lived on old, narrow country roads, some of which are gravel. Third, we live NO WHERE NEAR a golf course! What was the point of buying it? He agreed and sold it for more than he paid for it. It was hard to grumble about the stupid thing after that.

I guess my point is that if your DH is really wanting something expensive I'd make sure that it has more value than just for him to have fun with. If he can make some money on it, or if it''ll bring you closer as a family, or if it'll improve his health, it might be worth it.

[elektra]

Different situation here but like your DH, my mom is ill in her early 60's and will not be able to enjoy her retirement. It has definitely changed my views on how I want to spend money before I retire. However, I am still funding my 401k and have pushed my DH to finally do so too. However, my DH is a SPENDER and I am much more of a saver compared to him, although as I mentioned, in comparison to most people I probably wouldn't be categorized as a "saver".
DH and I do not look at money the same way and what has helped us is seeing a financial advisor who mapped things out for us, based on what we said our goals were.
It's a work in progress and it's so easy to fall back into old habits but I feel like we at least have that professional plan to fall back on as something we both agreed on.

[sntm]

That was a major point of contention with my XH and contributed to our problems.

With SO now, we are currently still keeping our finances separately, though we are very loose about who pays for what. What I plan to do when we do combine them is have each of us contribute a certain percentage of income to joint expenses (the practical stuff) and negotiate the joint fun expenses or trade off, and the rest of the money is ours to do with as we like. He's always been good about retirement planning, and I'm funding my 401K finally, so it's not like one of us is being totally flippant.

I know it's more challenging if one parent stays at home, and don't have a good solution for that! After my bad experience with XH, I have to say that as the one who earns the larger salary, I feel very protective about what I earn and believe I should get to have a larger "allowance" because of that. SO for the most part agrees, though.

[MamaSnoo]

Dh and I combine most of our finances, but not all. When we got married, we set some ground rules. We each get to keep X amount each month in our own accounts (same amount for each, although our incomes are not the same). We can do whatever we want with that. This is where each of us gets our splurges, and the other one is not allowed to complain.

Everything else goes into a joint account for household expenses.

Splurges that would be considered joint, we pay for from the joint account and discuss them--this would include things like trips.

We also set a hard ceiling on splurges from our individual accounts. Purchases over Y amount are to be discussed, even if you are using your own money.

DH is more of a spender and I am a saver. His little account is always empty, mine is not. :)

This has worked well for us. It has helped, that while I am more of a saver than DH, we fundamentally agree spending issues.

ETA: Some PPs have mentions putting aside savings first each month and then working out the budget. We also do that. "Pay yourself first" is the motto I have heard, and it is easier if you get in that habit. For much of our savings, it comes out automatically which makes it easier to swallow as well.

[wellyes]

It depends on your situation. If you are already not in credit card debt and are saving for retirement, that's different than if you're struggling to stay in a budget. We're in the former category, and I can't really talk about spurgling when in debt since I've been lucky financially.

Anyway for us, we both agreed:
1. being healthy is our priority
2. experiences are more valuable than things

So his splurge is hockey (ice time is several hundred per year, and even low-end equipment isn't cheap). Mine is a painfully expensive but excellent local gym.

All the "stuff", though, we talk through before buying.

[KrisM]

DH has a hobby of music. He buys guitars, instrument parts, etc. So, he gets a yearly budget for it. He gets it every January and it rolls. This year he has $248 left and that will be added to next year's budgetted amount. I never ask if he needs it, etc. He just tells me how much it costs and we both track it our own ways. This has given him the freedom to buy what he wants, so long as he has the money. And, it took away him having to ask me or me being surprised by it.

[mmommy]

Our situation is remarkably similar to yours.
We have a set budget which includes a modest "allowance" or fun $ for each of us monthly. We're allowed to use that money as we like, but we've also agreed to speak with one another if we're making a purchase over $100. This discussion isn't really about vetoing the purchase, but rather to allow a discussion about it. Sometimes the purchase is decided against, but I've found that the longer we're working with this system the less frivolous our planned purchases are.
This agreement has really helped us out with our financial discussions and we both feel more comfortable being on the same page while also like we have some freedom, which is important.