You gotta do what you gotta do

[kijip]

They say that doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is a sign of insanity. Regardless, it seems to be the best option so we are doing it. Again.

My work, while flexible and generally family friendly can be pretty time intensive at times and it has been getting more and more so. In addition, I was slipping into a love/hate relationship with my job and there was some $%@&! that was just a PITA- I have been thinking about leaving for awhile now. I can get rid of the this particular job stuff with a FT job elsewhere but being a FT working professional is not really working all that well for my family right now. With T being homeschooled and doing lessons and needing medical/therapy appointments due to his autism and my dad getting older and really not up to the job of ~2 days a week childcare especially with the autism in the mix, we are mixing it up again and I am going to be a SAHM. The days with my dad seemed to have devolved into too much screen time and that is really disruptive to Ts routine and impacts his behavior for a couple of days afterwards.

I have been offered a pt job in my field that can all be done from home so I guess that makes me a WAHM. But it is not daytime required/client stuff (mostly writing and editing) and is less than 1/2 time- I can do it anytime so my days will now mostly be that of a homeschooling stay at home parent. I can hole up and do the writing when J is home during the day or when everyone is asleep.

Another deciding factor on who should be home is that I seem to do a better job than J with the homeschooling stuff. He is good for teaching the things he is great at but all of the coordination and such really falls to me and it is hard to cram that all into the waking hours left me after working FT. In addition the long days were vastly outnumbering the short ones at this job and frankly, non-profit salaries are not high enough to compensate for consistently longer hours. Looking ahead at 2012, I expected the hours thing to get worse not better. Also, while J would be happy to be home more his job carries the medical benefits and we need those more than we need my higher rate of pay. Also, Js job has no telecommuting/consulting options and mine does so I can work more.

I really like my field and will likely return to FT work in the future but am feeling the pressure of "if you mess up raising your children nothing else you do matters much" and feel that at least for now, in my family with all the stuff we need to be doing for T now especially, raising the boys well does not include being away most of the day.

Longtime BBB mamas may recall that this has not gone well for me when attempted in the past- I am a person who likes working maybe a little too much and when I did this before I lasted ~2 months the first time and <5 months the second time. I am committing myself to 1 year but figure I hope to make it work for 2-3 years at least. We shall see, but I won't fault anyone for starting a BBB pool to bet on how short of the time I last. :hysterical:

There must be a way for me to make this work- any tips from reluctant at home parents are welcomed.

[urquie]

Sounds like a great plan, and very cool that you have the option! I hope everything works out well, especially for the long term! :bighand:

[mommy111]

Well, lets say you've had the trial run before and you're ready for the real thing now :) I'm like you, I find it really hard to be away from work (which may be why the last times you took time off to be a SAHM really stuck with me) and sometimes I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that these are kids even on the weekend when I find it really hard to do the stuff that should just come to mommies. The thing I've found that really works consistently is, one, just scheduling some me time. I think if its a homeschool situation, it would have to be every day. The other thing is just letting some things slide :) I realize I cannot be the perfectionist at home that I am at work.
Best of luck for this venture!!! I know you are a great mommy, and the fact that you are willing to do this no matter how hard for you speaks volumes. Also, that line about if you mess up bringing your kids up, it doesn't really matter what else you do well...well, that's really it, isn't it?
Good luck with this! We're all pulling for your success! And here's to a happy and fulfilled few years out of work!:54:

[crl]

Well, I had done my best to arrange going part time when our first adoption happened. There were a bunch of management changes/issues going on when it finally came time and it just did not happen. At the time dh and I were commuting an hour each way in opposite directions; and, although I had a 40 hour a week job, dh was working 80 to 100 hours a week on a regular basis. Since he was active duty Marine Corps, he had no option to reduce hours or quit. It was obvious to me that newly home ds needed a parent around much of the time. So I quit. I haven't gone back yet mostly because by the time I felt ds didn't need me quite so desperately, we were actively trying to adopt again. Additionally there have been a lot of moves for dh's work and that complicates me looking for work. So you can count me in the reluctant SAHM category, although it sounds like you need work more than I do.

My tips are to have structure to your day, go out a lot (I suck at the HOME part most of all) and build a community of other parents who are home during the day. I also encourage you to keep up your part time at home work as I know it is going to be very hard for me to find work again after having been a SAHP for so long. Almost certainly I will never make as much money again as I was making when I quit.

Catherine

[maestramommy]

Wow, did you share recently that T has autism? I missed that:hug:

The whole, "if you mess up raising your kids" thing is one reason I SAHM, but after 6 years I am getting tired. While I will still do it until Laurel is is school FT, during these last several years I've come to understand that, just as there are many ways one can mess up raising kids, there are so many more ways you can do it right. And even when you are doing it right, it doesn't mean that at any given time it doesn't really suck. One thing to remember during the times it really gets rough is that this isn't forever, in fact, it doesn't even have to stay a certain way if you can and want it to change.

Even though Dh and I were planning to send Laurel to school 5 mornings next year I constantly go back and forth in my own mind about whether I should do that or just do 3 mornings. Would it be better to keep her with me some of the time, on the grounds of "you'll never get this time back?" or will keeping her in school more be better for my sanity, therefore better for everyone in the long run? These things are just impossible to know ahead of time. It's comforting to know that it not matter all THAT much, and that raising your kids right doesn't mean optimizing every last little thing. :hug:

[carolinamama]

Just wanted to wish you the best. CRL had some great advice that I would second. I'm not good at the stay at home part either. I tried after both boys. After DD was born, I went back 25 hours per week at 10 weeks. It has worked for me but I completely understand doing what you have to do.

[daisymommy]

I think with all you have on your plate right now, that's a very wise choice to give it a try! And it sounds like the perfect compromise with at home part time work.

Best of luck to you on your new journey! :thumbsup:

[wellyes]

You can SAHM while having a 1/2 time job you can do at your leisure.... I think that is the best of all worlds, truly. I'm jealous! I am new to the world of SAHM myself. "Reluctant" for sure. Technically I am a newly unemployed mom.

I am glad to have the time with them, I too have an older caretaker who relied on the screen just a bit too much. I hated coming home to a kid who's been sedentary too much.

From what I've seen / heard / read, you really have to go into it full force, with gusto. It doesn't come naturally to most people because we're used to hierarchy and structure. So, make your own structure and embrace being your own boss. Definitely have a schedule. Post the schedule. Have daily and overall goals. It is more taxing than office work, and lonelier. But just like they say "only boring people get bored", it will be what you make of it. Hopefully you (and I) can enjoy this time.

[mikala]

Have you been able to identify any factors that made staying at home especially challenging for you in the past? It might help to try to mitigate those at the onset.

I've found that a good routine and lots of social interaction with other moms and kids helps me a lot. My child's behavior improves dramatically when we're out of the house socializing for a couple hours a few times a week.

I also have to include exercise in my schedule to stay sane.

Do you know any other SAHMs that might be interested in babysitting trades so you can go to your own dentist and other appointments without always hauling a kid around?

[Kindra178]

It sounds like you have made the right choice for right now; it is well reasoned and well thought out. In 3, 6, 10 months or two years, if you staying home is no longer the right choice for your family, then you can look into other options. Also, just because it didn't work out in the past doesn't mean it won't work out now; you are guided by different motivations at this point. Finally, I think it's a good career/financial opportunity move that you are keeping a part time/flexible work at home job.

Good luck on this new journey.

[pinkmomagain]

Brava for making a change that seems to make sense for you and your family! Keep in mind that your child is older than when you last attempted SAH and you will likely find it to be a different experience than when he was younger.

Good luck on your new adventure!

[hellokitty]

Your plan sounds well thought out! I'm hoping that the transition is smooth for you. It sounds like you know exactly what your family needs!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Good luck!

[vludmilla]

Good luck! I think the trajectory for you with SAH is increasing amounts of time...the first time 2 months, the second 5 months. I say you'll make it as long as you need to now. :)

[KpbS]

You can do it! There will be a transition phase definitely but once you get into your new routines I bet you all will enjoy the new stage of your lives :hug:

[kijip]

Have you been able to identify any factors that made staying at home especially challenging for you in the past? It might help to try to mitigate those at the onset.



Good questions.

I think my main factors are boredom and I get antsy when our budget gets tight with not a lot being added to savings. But being with T right now is worth the costs and while the PT job does not pay as much as my FT job it is enough to make the math add up each month. Also- F is at that fun 3 year old stage and it will be nice to be with him more. Another thing I think will help this time is that my job was really taking a toll on my family and it will be nice to see that go away. My husband is extremely relieved because of how draining this work was getting.

My thoughts to combat boredom are to keep exercising, maybe increase that a little and also to read more myself. Once we settle in I might take a class on the weekends or in the evenings (slow road but ultimately, I need an MPA to advance in my field as far as I want to go.)



Do you know any other SAHMs that might be interested in babysitting trades so you can go to your own dentist and other appointments without always hauling a kid around?

I am lucky there- a fair number of friends + my husband had been working 24-32 hours a week and he is bumping to 32-40 but he will always be home at least 1 day during the week, if not 2.

[luckytwenty]

Good luck to you! I am a writer/editor by trade also and worked PT from home for four years. It was great until the PT became FTish because I had more clients and more projects. It's a great field to be in when you have kids!!

[niccig]

Good questions.

I think my main factors are boredom and I get antsy when our budget gets tight with not a lot being added to savings. But being with T right now is worth the costs and while the PT job does not pay as much as my FT job it is enough to make the math add up each month. Also- F is at that fun 3 year old stage and it will be nice to be with him more. Another thing I think will help this time is that my job was really taking a toll on my family and it will be nice to see that go away. My husband is extremely relieved because of how draining this work was getting.

My thoughts to combat boredom are to keep exercising, maybe increase that a little and also to read more myself. Once we settle in I might take a class on the weekends or in the evenings (slow road but ultimately, I need an MPA to advance in my field as far as I want to go.)


Bold is mine.

I stayed home with DS and when he was 18 months, DH came home and I announced I was going to use the babysitting hours to restart my volunteer work at the museum and take archaeology classes at the local university extension. DH looked shell shocked, but agreed. I was done. I needed something that was mine that had nothing to do with DS, DH, the house etc. I did classes until I decided to return to school full-time. I think having something that is yours and works towards your future, will really help combat the boredom. And this time you're homeschooling, so maybe you'll feel less bored.

As for less in savings, we're in same spot because of my school tuition. DH's aunt said to me, that before they make a big move that makes things tight now, but will be better in future, she imagines casting out a fishing line far and you're slowly reeling it in. It takes time, and you have to be patient.

Once J is done with school, he will be earning more and you're both young with a great financial stability. You do have time. Don't let less accrual in a bank account upset you - look at the big picture. You are fine, and in a couple of years, will be even better. I too am freaking about how less in savings, and it's my issue from my childhood and not a true representation of where we are financially.

[stefani]

Good luck Katie!

I think when I was younger I had imagined life to be much more linear than it turns out to be. I was a reluctant SAHM since January last year because I was laid off. I am also having some medical issues examined. Occasionally I get contract projects from my previous employer, and it has worked great. Ideally a part time job that produces consistent income will be best for me, but health insurance coverage and cost makes me decide to seriously look for a full-time employment again.

Do what you think works best for you and your family. If it doesn't work out, you can always make new plan!

Best wishes.

[mommyp]

Good luck!

[sunnyside]

I love working from home, though I am FTWAH and I have to send my DD to day care because I need an hour of child care for every hour of work or I can't do it.

Good luck and please post back how it's going!

[TwinFoxes]

Other than being a little tight with savings this seems like all upside. :) Enjoy yourself!

[firstbaby]

Katie:

We are also homeschoolers and I am a reluctant WAHM - meaning, I would rather just be a SAHM, but living in a high COL area and DH having a lot of his income based on bonuses makes it too stressful to be on one salary. I work PT and while it does feel like a juggling act, it is the best of all worlds. I work less than 20 hours a week - some during the day (when a babysitter comes) and some at night. Also, I do mostly make my own schedule. I applaud you doing what you can to make it work for your kids and for you. Welcome to the WAH club! :)

[sste]

The thing that gives me pause is not sah/wah or homeschooling per se . . . it is that you sound like you really don't want to do that. I mean you obviously want to do what is good for your family but I think sah/wah works best when the parent wants it for herself/himself.

I also didn't realize T has autism. I guess I am wondering how this all works with homeschooling. My vague understanding of this is that there are very specialized therapies/therapists, beyond the typical homeschooling curriculum.

Is it worth exploring what autistic/gifted school services are available in a broader geographic range? In your position I would at least want to cost out ($ and emotionally and professionally) having the benefit of free, specialized therapies and public school services at a great school against moving. At one point in his toddlerhood we were told my son could be mentally retarded and the second thing I did (after crying buckets) was sit down with a map and call those parent advocacy places and make plans to move to a premier school district for special needs services.

BTW, this is not anti-homeschooling. I just have concerns in this particular situation where the mom feels a little ambivalent, the child has a special need, presumably you want to set up a long-term, stable situation for T and so this is a long-term choice. If nothing else, it is a h*ll of alot of responsibility and stress on you to be homeschooling a kid with autism and wondering, now and later, if you had done x or y would your child now be higher-functioning. I am not saying you need to abdicate education to other professionals but at least I would think about different team models and I wonder if there is a way to bring either public school or discrete public school services into that mix.

Good luck, Katie!

[StantonHyde]

Katie:

Is there anyway you could homeschool T through the rest of the semester with a plan to move to a school that could meet his needs next year? You would have to get on the stick NOW to find that school and start the application process (thinking of public ed, if you want to get a child into a special program here, you have to start in Decmeber and finish by Feb to get into another district or another magnet school). I know the other schools didn't work for T but with a diagnosis in hand, you might have better luck getting him somewhere that works for him.

There are often schools that it seems nobody knows about until they are in a situation with X diagnosis. Do you know any educational consultants or teachers etc? What about T's psychiatrist or developmental pediatrician? Where I work we have a day treatment program for kids who need short term stabilization and then they are reintegrated into school. The lady who runs the program knows every "alternative" school out there. And there are some great programs that there is no way I would know about if I didn't work where I do. Maybe you could contact a school that focuses or has classes for autistic children and ask them if they know of other schools. It's a shot.

I know I certainly have given up my career and done lots of other things for the good of my kids. I have kept my exercise/training for triathlons, some minimal volunteer work, PT professional work, and I used to be in a book club. If I were in your situation, I could make it through the next semester and that would be about it :love eyes:

I totallly agree with the "if you mess up your kids" argument. I am always baffled by all these "life coaches" who give stories about how people found happiness and joy by switching to another job/career. But NONE Of those people ever have kids to consider or its not part of the equation some how. Ummmm, nope, not the way my life works.

The other thing to remember, in your case, is that you are young. My mom went back to school for her Masters and then PhD when I was 12 and she was 35. When I was 19, she started teaching at the local U and had an awesome 24 years as a professor. It was her second life/career. If you look long term, you will have that option as well.

I wish I had better advice. I would have the same questions you have :love2:

[kijip]

I totally understand your thoughts SSTE- I def. am concerned about making this work and approaching it in a way that will make success more likely. We have discussed his schooling options at length with the district and with the clinic where he was diagnosed and the district is less than helpful and the clinician that diagnosed him, as well as her colleagues all indicated to me that the best outcomes they have seen for kids like T, who has HFA and is profoundly gifted, were homeschooling based till the children were teens and typically entered a college setting. Further, his mental health (anxiety) is significantly improved from when he was in school. School here was a massive stress for him and for us dealing with them. The district does not deal with bullying situations well and I can't run the risk of him dealing with bullying like he was before. I am sure there are bright spots in the district and great teachers and administrators who don't tolerate bullying but many of the parents with kids in the options he has have complained about bullying issues. I am not reluctant with the homeschooling, but have had a hard time with a lack of a job before. I think that homeschooling might make this go somewhat better because it is a challenge and I need a challenge so maybe that part of my personality will be more satisfied. Also, with my youngest being three I feel like I am out timeframe I find the most monotonous for day and day- preverbal toddlers. And being at home is more workable for the various interventions that T does need and the lessons and such that make homeschooling social and fun for him. It was either me or my husband and for now, it is me.

[sste]

Oh no, I don't think you should go back to your district. Your district sounds quite blah on meeting the needs of everyone who isn't middle of the bell curve. I am just wondering about another district or - - I have no idea if this can be done via public school - - something where T does certain classes or therapies in school and some at home. I know in my area, particularly a suburb north of me, they def. have coursework that will meet the needs of profoundly gifted kids and they also have special ed therapies and services.

I might also talk to another clinic. Not that anything you said gave me pause about your clinician/colleagues but personally before I gave up things I loved about my career I would want to solicit a range of opinions. For peace of mind and because it is surprising how people vary and also how they have connections to different resources, as stantonhyde mentioned.

If this is the best thing for T then we will all be here to brainstorm and support you in that. But to me, as an outsider, it seems like this is a fairly massive undertaking and I am not sure it is realistic for it to be yours alone. If that makes any sense. Maybe I am projecting myself here, but to set myself up for success I would be making LISTS and LISTS of what everyone else was going to do!! As in, can I drop off for a therapy at public school or other?, museum class nearby or science enrichment or the like?, can your dh or father take responsibility for one academic subject area for T? This really needs to be a team effort IMO.

Lots of hugs to you.

[3isEnough]

I've been a SAHM for about a year now after putting my longtime, stressful law career on hiatus for a bit. Everyone who has been in my shoes told me it would take about a year to get used to the new role and embrace it, and I've completely found that to be true. I'm not a domestic type by nature (don't enjoy cooking, cleaning, school projects, etc.) so I've definitely found those tasks to be more challenging and monotonous than others, but after a year of SAHM'ing I'm finally in a groove and can't imagine being back at work right now.

The key for me is not only carving out a bit of me time (the gym), but also working on short term projects that have recognizable endpoints (refinishing a piece of furniture, planting a garden, painting the kids' room, etc.). I've always been very accomplishment oriented so though my accomplishments these days are very different from what they used to be, it's still very important to my psyche and sense of balance that I have something like that that's all mine and has tangible resullts.

I guess my one takeaway is that if you asked me at 3 months, 6 months or 9 months if I was enjoying myself and in the right place, I would have said an emphatic no. But if you ask me now - a year into this gig - I'd definitely say yes! So give it time and don't be too hard on yourself if you're not enjoying it 6 or even 9 months into it. And good luck!

[kijip]

I think it is a great idea of explore the auxiliary services of the district directly to the north of us more. We have already decided that F will go there with a interdistrict transfer. When we did that here in our district this year we were offered the following: SLP that is not specialized to what the autism clinic says he needs and a social skills group with kids who are all over the map in needs, most of whom are there due to bullying other kids...just like before. We decided it is worth it to pay for our own SLP and group via the autism clinic referrals. We are going to one of 2 main places to go in Seattle for autism, one that is a multi-state draw so we feel confident about the clinic that we take him to.

We have a 2 inch binder dedicated to the autism stuff with possibilities and options and quite a system going for homeschooling so I feel like we are doing and will continue to do what we need to do. Just that working at the same time was preventing me from doing all that needed to be done, especially with my dad aging out of being really hands on and interactive for his 1-2 days. He needs to just be a grandpa and sit for appointments and date nights, not all day for an average of 30-40% of the week.

Lastly, I will say that we have a team effort going. My husband teaches a number of subjects but the planning and coordinating of curriculum and such is not his best area. Also, my subject areas are with the exception of math the less fun ones for T so it takes more time.

Even with helpful clinicians and peds and classes and therapists and potential school related stuff, managing all this still needs a central point person. And that management is not a job that I can really pass off to a non-family member or that I can handle while working more than PT simultaneously. I sense that we are at a critical phase and more hands on time with a parent at home rather than less can only help.

T was born when I was 23. I am feeling strongly that this season of my life needs something besides what I have been doing. And I also know that there are many more seasons yet to come, like was pointed out by a PP. Who knows what I will be doing in 10 years or 20 years, but I know myself well enough to know that it will be something I enjoy and find challenging.

[brittone2]

It sounds like you have a plan in place and a variety of resources at your disposal. I wish you strength during the adjustment. Congratulations as you move forward with this phase of life. :cheerleader1: If you ever want to chat HSing you know where to find me :)

[daisyd]

I was a reluctant SAHM for 9 months. I know now from experience that having structure to my day, me time that included friends/community and setting goals for myself would have made this enjoyable and even fun. Sounds like you're on the right track and you've got some great advice. Continuing PT work is a big plus both to keep you intellectually stimulated and to get back into FT work eventually if you choose. Good luck!

[mickminmom]

Wishing all the best as you navigate through the latest life changes!

[Momit]

I would call myself a boomerang SAHM, since I've gone from WOHM to SAHM to WOHM to SAHM in the 3 years of DS's life. The first time it was reluctantly and intended to be short-term. The I went back to work for 6 months and decided that it wasn't right for our family for me to have a demanding career with evening and weekend obligations, plus almost 24/7 access to Blackberry in case of a "crisis." So I quit that job in October and am a SAHM again, this time less reluctantly but still with some hesitation.

What keeps me sane is naps, preschool, planned activities/outings, and having time for me to volunteer (teach Junior Achievement at local elementary school) and work out (on home equipment during naptime or using free child care at the YMCA).

I also try to get house chores done with DS's help or at least while he's awake and doing something else. I used to run around doing all that stuff while he was napping, then I would just barely sit down to read or check email and he'd be up 5 minutes later - leading to occasional resentful feelings that I had no "me" time. Now he helps me put away laundry, vacuum, clean etc. It may take longer but it allows me to relax and do something I enjoy at least 1-2 days of the week during his nap.

I'm a newer parent than you are, and I love to do research, so I've also enjoyed reading tons of parenting books and articles. I feel like I'm learning something new and using my brain, even if it's for kid-related stuff.

Best of luck in this new chapter of your life.