If your DH travels for work...

[lcarlson90]

Do you resent him for it?

I feel like I resent my DH when he travels. On average there are 2 - 3 occasions each year when he is gone for a week and then he has 1 - 2 night trips about twice a month.

DH is in Las Vegas right now and I feel really bitter. I am angry because when he is gone I have to work all day and then take care of the kids by myself. And when he is gone he stays at fancy hotels, eats crazy nice meals and goes out and has fun and I am stuck at home. He is not the type that sits in his room when he travels.

Today DH called and told me that he was not able to fix the problem yesterday and now he has to stay an extra night and I could feel myself getting angry. I snapped and said, "Oh I am sure you are so depressed that you have to stay an extra night."

How do I not resent him and feel okay about this? It's not practical to expect him to change careers. I just feel like it's not fair.

[sunshine873]

I don't know that I actually resent him, because he does miss DD & I terribly. & I do believe him when he says he'd much rather we be there with him. But I definitely do get a little jealous. I'd LOVE to be able to have a little time away where someone else is taking care of everything at home & yet someone else is paying for my hotel room & meals. Yeah...definitely jealous.

As for how to not feel that way? I have no advice...I'll be watching.

[elektra]

I don't really about the travel but I totally understand your feelings and I have felt like that on occasion, but more on a daily basis when he work late. My DH is en route back from Detriot right now, BTW.
However, I bet I would feel just like you do if I wasn't able to take trips myself. I travel on occassion for work too and so the luxury hotel experience is not one-sided. I have also been able to take a girls trip with DH's full blessing.

Twice a month 1-2 night trips is a lot and I can see how I would get resentful if I wasn't having a chance to get away on occassion too. Is there a way you can get a long weekend in here or there so you can have a chance to get away too?

[mommylamb]

I'll come at this from another perspective. I don't travel an awful lot for work any more, but I do travel a few times a year, leaving DH (who works FT) alone with DS. And like your DH, when I travel for work, I often end up at very high end resorts because of the type of work that I do. Now, during these trips, I am working from at least 7:30 in the morning until after midnight between all of the events. Granted a lot of this time is networking/social events. But I'm still working it. It's hard to be "on" all the time. It's hard to force my inner introvert to put on the extravert face for that long of a time period. I end up totally exhausted by it. I also feel a lot of guilt about not being home with DH and DS, and I know it's really hard on him when I'm gone. I feel awful about it. But this is who I am and what I do and how I make a living.

ETA: It sounds like you need a girls weekend away.

[lcarlson90]

I don't know that I actually resent him, because he does miss DD & I terribly. & I do believe him when he says he'd much rather we be there with him. But I definitely do get a little jealous.

DH claims that he doesn't want to be away and that he would rather be at home with us but I have a hard time believing him. I feel like it's a slap in the face when he tells me how he wishes he didn't have to go.

[twowhat?]

Is your DH involved when he is in town? If he's not, I could definitely see how you would resent his traveling.

My DH travels frequently for work - he can be gone as much as a couple of nights every week for a couple of months or as little as just one night a month. I do not resent it at all (in fact, I actually kind of like that "alone" time completely to myself after the kids are in bed tee hee). But my DH is very involved when he is in town. I do have to let him sleep in on weekends because he doesn't sleep well when traveling, which kind of sucks because the only times I get to sleep in are when I'm sick, but when he's awake he is generally very involved. He also complains about having to travel, because he doesn't sleep well, is forced to socialize (which he hates), works late nights, etc. So I know that he would definitely rather be at home than traveling. That probably makes a difference too.

eta: I thought of one thing I could resent: why can't my DH sleep well when he travels in his nice hotel room with nice bed and NO KIDS to wake him up?? LOL!!!

etaa: after thinking about it a little more, I would be lying if I said there was absolutely no resentment. On occassion I do feel some resentment (which I think is completely normal). But in general it's not an issue and not something I find myself doing all the time. In your case it sounds like something else is going on - either he isn't helping you as much as he needs to be so that you can get a break too, or that you need something for yourself which you haven't quite figured out yet. Good luck:)

[lcarlson90]

I don't really about the travel but I totally understand your feelings and I have felt like that on occasion, but more on a daily basis when he work late. My DH is en route back from Detriot right now, BTW.
However, I bet I would feel just like you do if I wasn't able to take trips myself. I travel on occassion for work too and so the luxury hotel experience is not one-sided. I have also been able to take a girls trip with DH's full blessing.

Twice a month 1-2 night trips is a lot and I can see how I would get resentful if I wasn't having a chance to get away on occassion too. Is there a way you can get a long weekend in here or there so you can have a chance to get away too?

I think it's mostly jealousy. I don't get to travel for work and I don't really have close friends that I would go on trips with. I know that DH would totally encourage me to go away if I had girlfriends that did that type of thing. I think I also feel bad because there is a part of me that thinks DH has a better time when he is gone than when is at home with me and the kids.

[mom3boys]

I resent some trips, not others so much. Sometimes he is gone for 1 night to the West Coast or Chicago--it is a short trip, and I know he tries to make the travel shorter so can be home to help me--so going to the West Coast and back, e.g., is tough in a short period of time but he does it.

However, he has gone to France 2-3 times, Scotland, and Russia without me. I love France, I speak French, but of course have not been there since before the kids. Would like to go to Scotland or Russia oh, someday. Also, he is in the wine&spirits industry and he is always going out and having nice dinners events etc. at these places and staying in nice hotels. I do resent that. Even his day-to-day work, he comes home late because he has to go have a drink with someone in the evening for "work purposes" uh, OK.

The only thing I like is that, DH really likes to have a "real dinner" every night. I hate cooking. When he is gone, I just make the kids something easy and fend for myself. And watch a chick-flick after the kids go to bed.

I suppose I am lucky in that I can usually attend one conference or so a year, so I do get to travel a little. Last year I went to Las Vegas, which would have been fun if I wasn't pregnant. This year I will be in Minneapolis for a few days. Not exactly southern France, but I will have a nice, quiet hotel room for a couple of days.

ETA: DH does say he wishes he could be home with me and the boys. I do believe he misses the boys, and I know he has definitely been stressed out on some work trips. But I'm not sure I 100% believe it. He always says "plan a happy hour or a girls' night or something" Easier said than done, none of my girlfriends live close by any more and they all have kids, too. What I also resent is that anything I plan I have to ask DH about 2 weeks in advance to see if he can come home early or whatever so I can do it. Vs DH calling me in the afternoon and saying "I'll be home late tonight, blah blah blah". I never get to go out spontaneously. Never ever. Or work late spontaneously.

Unfortunately, I don't really have a good solution or suggestion, except if you don't have girlfriends close, try to take some other type of "me time" for a few hours. And, if you can plan a weekend away with DH or someone else (even a mom or sister might work) do it!

[overcome]

My DH is in Las Vegas too!

I don't feel resentful about his trips. I know he is busy from morning until night, dealing w jet lag, etc. It's surprising, bc it seems like something that WOULD bother me, but it doesn't.

That being said, I can EASILY see how you feel the way you do. Easily. And once you start feeling resentful about something, it is extremely difficult to turn those feelings around. There are other issues that make me feel the way you do. It scares me.

Would it make you feel better if, after coming home from one of his trips, he would say something like " let's (meaning whole family) go out to eat tonight so you don't have to cook, since you've been holding down the fort"? Or plan a weekend for u two to get away? If so, you might want to consider just laying it on the line and telling him that would help.

((( hug)))

[chottumommy]

My DH travels quite a bit for work and its usually in spurts. This month he'll be gone for 3 trips all lasting 1-3 days. Taking care of the kids, daycare drop off and then working extra hours at night to make up for it makes me very very tired.

I don't resent his travel but what I resent is that I do all the chores in the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning) when he's not there apart from taking care of the kids whereas when I travel (1-3 times a year) I end up doing all the chores after I come back. The house is usually in chaos by the time I come back so I don't feel like I got a break. I also pump for DS2 so I never get a whole nights sleep anyhow (at home or away). I haven't slept more than a 3 hour continuous stretch for more than 4 years now.

Not sure what you can do about the resentment and I personally find taking time to myself on the weekend backfires (I end up doing more over the week). :hug5:

[amldaley]

I think it is normal for there to be SOME resentment, but if it becomes an issue for you in your relationship, I think it needs to be addressed.

DH is military and travels and is away ALOT. There have been plenty of times when he has been at conferences, etc when I have been annoyed that he gets to "play" while I pull double duty at home - especially when my job can be fairly taxing some days, too. Like when he went to Hawaii for a week. Or England for two weeks. Yeah...I was a little bitter.

But alot of his travel is to places he really does not want to be, he works 16-20 hours a day and does not eat or sleep well at all, so it is hard for me to resent him for THAT.

We try to work on it by balancing things out when he IS home. He is very involved with DD and around the house. And when he comes home, we usually go out to dinner as a family or he treats me to something special.

And I try to keep in mind that it is not a choice for him - it is his job. And that job supports us and I can not begrudge him that.

Have you talked to him about it? Is he involved and engaged when he is home? Have you carved out anytime just for yourself when you can? (I know as a WOHM mom, that can sometimes be nearly impossible!)

[kara97210]

[QUOTE=mommylamb;3391484]I'll come at this from another perspective. I don't travel an awful lot for work any more, but I do travel a few times a year, leaving DH (who works FT) alone with DS. And like your DH, when I travel for work, I often end up at very high end resorts because of the type of work that I do. Now, during these trips, I am working from at least 7:30 in the morning until after midnight between all of the events. Granted a lot of this time is networking/social events. But I'm still working it. It's hard to be "on" all the time. It's hard to force my inner introvert to put on the extravert face for that long of a time period. I end up totally exhausted by it. I also feel a lot of guilt about not being home with DH and DS, and I know it's really hard on him when I'm gone. I feel awful about it. But this is who I am and what I do and how I make a living.
QUOTE]

Agree with all this. I travel a fair amount for work -1 time/month domestically and 2-3 times/year internationally. It used to be a lot more -80% of my time - before kids. I would much rather be at home with my family. Even the best work travel doesn't feel like a vacation, it's still work and usually much harder work than what I do when I am just going into the office.

In our case DH travels a lot too and there are times when I'm upset that he's not here. It's not exactly resentment, but more disappointment that he is missing a new milestone or that we can't do something together because he's gone.

[overcome]

Not to hijack but....Wow, bits and pieces from everybodys posts really resonate w me!

[cuca_]

My DH travels roughly every other week and is gone for one or two nights. I do not resent him. I know he makes the trips as short as he can, and in his case these are not leisurely trips. He is working most of the time, with the exception of a dinner here and there. I find travel so hectic nowadays, that I can't imagine how these trips are relaxing at all. I think usually he is more tired by the time he is done with them. That said, I would prefer him to have him at home helping with the kids and keeping me company.

PP how about taking a night off and booking yourself a nice hotel room. One of the best nights I have had away was one I spent on my own on the way to a weekend with girlfriends. It was so refreshing to be alone with my thoughts and not to have to meet anyone else's needs.

[Cam&Clay]

Feel free to read my post from a few years ago about the same thing:

http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=325653

DH lived apart from us for two years and had all the free time in the world during the week. He went out to dinner, saw movies, etc. Then, when he'd get a chance to travel as well, it made me crazy. I was a single mom all the time who didn't have a moment alone to even pee.

He really tired of my attitude, but I never found a way to be positive about all of his fun and travel when I was stuck at home and working full time as well. Now he is in Afghanistan and is absolutely miserable, so I certainly feel no jealousy there. We just miss him!

Those feelings really ate at me. I don't know what kind of advice to give you except to say that I completely understand and you are justified to feel that way. DH and I had a big fight before he left because I mentioned that with my new administrative position, I might need to travel a few times a year. He pretty much said that I couldn't do it because he had to work and couldn't handle the boys. I hit the ceiling. Needless to say, when he returns, I will jump at the chance to go to the first conference that comes up!

[almostmom]

My DH doesn't travel too much, but occasionally. And he sometimes goes on trips with his friends.

When my kiddos were littler than they are now, I had a lot of resentment about him being away. Totally jealous, and I dreaded him being away and all the work I had to do (I also work FT). But now that my kids are older, and can keep themselves busy and such, and are pretty easy to get to bed, I kind of like that I can watch my shows without feeling bad, I don't have to cook or eat a big dinner (but can snack on the kid's meal and not eat more after that). And while DH and I snuggle all night while we sleep, and I love that part of our lives, it's kind of fun now to have the whole bed to myself on occasion.

All that being said, I used to really hate it. And he got the wrath when he got back home. He'd want to be sweet and intimate, and I'd be cranky and not want to talk to him. Just wanted him to deal with all the house stuff and kid stuff. He did make me go on a trip or 2 with some friends who live far away, even though it was hard for me to do that. I didn't really have any nearby friends at the time, so I felt pretty lonely and upset. Now that I do have more of a community, I think I feel less resentment (even though I never call anyone when he's away because I just want to do my own thing, getting the kids to sleep and homework done and all.).

[pinkmomagain]

I did resent it when the kids were little and he traveled ALOT. For the same reasons you mentioned. It's a completely different story now that the kids are older, I actually enjoy it to some extent!

If I were you, I'd try to build in some relief for yourself: either get a babysitter so you can get out, or order take out instead of cooking....in other words pamper yourself a bit, even if it's little things. And give yourself a break with getting all the house stuff done...maybe that's something he can help out with when he gets home.

[twowhat?]

My DH doesn't travel too much, but occasionally. And he sometimes goes on trips with his friends.

When my kiddos were littler than they are now, I had a lot of resentment about him being away. Totally jealous, and I dreaded him being away and all the work I had to do (I also work FT). But now that my kids are older, and can keep themselves busy and such, and are pretty easy to get to bed, I kind of like that I can watch my shows without feeling bad, I don't have to cook or eat a big dinner (but can snack on the kid's meal and not eat more after that). And while DH and I snuggle all night while we sleep, and I love that part of our lives, it's kind of fun now to have the whole bed to myself on occasion.

All that being said, I used to really hate it. And he got the wrath when he got back home. He'd want to be sweet and intimate, and I'd be cranky and not want to talk to him. Just wanted him to deal with all the house stuff and kid stuff. He did make me go on a trip or 2 with some friends who live far away, even though it was hard for me to do that. I didn't really have any nearby friends at the time, so I felt pretty lonely and upset. Now that I do have more of a community, I think I feel less resentment (even though I never call anyone when he's away because I just want to do my own thing, getting the kids to sleep and homework done and all.).

You know, I definitely had more resentment when the girls were younger, not STTN, and just physically exhausting. I do think that when kids are older it gets easier on the parent, so not as many reasons to feel resentment.

[katydid1971]

I don't because I know that he gets no down time and sometimes never leaves the conference center he is staying. He goes to nice restaurants, but we go to nice restaurants when we go out together. He usually comes home pretty tired because he truly works from breakfast until bedtime. He always misses us and is very happy to be home plus he usually gives me a few me a few extra hours to do whatever I want including closing the bedroom door and not have to kids bother me while I watch TV or read a book.

[niccig]

PP how about taking a night off and booking yourself a nice hotel room. One of the best nights I have had away was one I spent on my own on the way to a weekend with girlfriends. It was so refreshing to be alone with my thoughts and not to have to meet anyone else's needs.

:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:

DS was 6 mos old and DH was going away on a bachelor party weekend. DH's uncle told him "and the following weekend your wife can go to a nearby hotel." It was so nice.

I know it wouldn't be feasible after every trip, but you should book yourself for a night away to someplace nice that is local.

[Tinochka]

It was very hard at the beginning. I remember being jealous when we had DC1. DH will come in nice looking (my work;), I was sitting on the rocker total mess (no shower, exhausted), had some my meltdowns... It was hard to adjust, because only me suppose to be flexible. My DH suggested that I need to get out of the house, but I don’t have friends here. So, we started to go to restaurant, while kids were with grandparents, watch movies, go grocery shopping (family event:))...Nowadays I try hard not to think about what is he doing, getting, I just try to do my own things. Sometimes I can get snappy, but reading your posts, I realized that it’s pretty common: DH arrives from the airport, expecting warm welcome, you had a hard week and all what you need, just to get away from the house and let him take care of the house and kids.... Several years later, kids are sleeping pretty well, can play with each other without pocking, help me to do some stuff...., it got better. I actually found that I need an occasional “alone” time, so, you don’t need to explain what are your plans, etc.:)

[♥ms.pacman♥]

No, not at all. That doesn't mean I don't hate it sometimes, though! :) Like now...today is DS's birthday, and DH is out of town this week:( His birthday party is this weekend, and there's TONS of stuff to clean up/get ready, but it's all gonna fall on me mostly, since DH doesn't get back in till late Thurs night. Sucks, yes, but I don't resent him for it, if that makes any sense. I'm sure DH would rather be at home, and he only travels bc that is required for his job. He usually is out of town 25% of the time (one week out of the month) but sometimes it can be more than that. over the summer, there was one point where he was out of town 6 or 7 weeks in a row (home on weekends only)....that was pretty rough. Though he felt terrible about it too, and a lot of that time he was working 14-16 hours days in an airplane hangar in the middle of the desert, with no A/C, so i wasn't jealous that he was living it up or anything. In fact, i was kinda miffed bc then when he got home he'd be exhausted and couldn't help as much (LOL!) But i wasn't mad at HIM, i was more mad at his job for putting him through that, if that makes any sense...

Anyway, I'm sure it would be different if DH was the type of person who would volunteer for work travel, or was the type who didn't help much around the house when he was actually here. But when he is here he is super-involved and does a lot of stuff around the house (e.g. bathes both the kids and puts DS to bed, does dishes, etc) and before he leaves for a long trip he goes to the grocery store after the kids are in bed and loads up on essentials for the week so i won't have to be going to the store while he's gone. I do get the vibe that he feels horrible for having to go out of town.

I do often feel jealous though, that sometimes he gets 4-5 days alone without kids, without chores (room service and restaurant food), etc. Especially since i'm a SAHM, have no family in town, so I rarely get a kid-free moment. What has helped me immensely is 1) having a part-time sitter to come a couple mornings a week (i use the time to shower, cook a meal, do errands, take 1 DC to doctor appt, etc) and 2) joining a mom's group. In our mom's group, all the moms have husbands who travel and/or work a ton, so we often have get togethers and it does make things less lonely and isolated. Yesterday i took my kiddos to one mom's house and while it was a bit of a pain to pack up and haul 2 kids across town, it was really nice to have some social interaction instead of being inside a lonely house.

[lcarlson90]

When DH is home he is helpful and involved..maybe that's why it's so hard when he is gone because I realized how hard it is with two kids and no help. He is also really good about telling me to go out and have alone time.

The frustrating part is that he doesn't like it when I get upset about him traveling. It's like he wants me to be happy about it so that he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Thanks for all your responses. It definitely made me feel better to know I am not crazy for feeling the way I do.

[elizabethkott]

DH will actually be attending a conference this week and staying overnight Weds and Thurs... in NYC. Even though we're a *short* train ride away. His rational (right or wrong) is that for him, its the difference between doing the client dinner/drinks that end at midnight and then catching a cab and then sitting on a train and then walking home and winding up in bed closer to 1:30 than staying at a hotel in the city and being able to get to bed closer to midnight. So I understand that aspect.
However, last night, *I* had to work late. So he had to bathe the boys and put them to bed. When I walked in the door at 9pm, and BOTH BOYS WERE ON THE COUCH STILL DRESSED AND WATCHING SCOOBY DOO, yeah, I lost my ish.
If the expectation is set that *I* need to just "take care of it" when he's away on business, then the same should be expected of him, yes?
So *my* issue is that when he has to work late or be away for business, it's no big thing, but when *I* have to work late on a show or have a performance or teacher conference, it's fine for the kids to stay up late, not get baths and still expect mommy to take care of it when she gets home, exhausted, after a full day of work.
*That's* my problem.
:D

[luckytwenty]

I know everyone is different, but one reason I am leaving the job I'm at now for a different one is that I HATE corporate travel. I have stayed at some swanky resorts and it's just miserable slaving away at an event or on your laptop while you see happy families frolicking in the pool and enjoying cocktails. My business travels involved 12-16 hour nonstop working days, and if the food was great, I couldn't really enjoy because I was stressed and busy. I'm an exercise-aholic and rarely had the time or energy to even visit a gym while away. I missed my kids terribly.

Anyway, just wanted to give another side of it. It's just not the same to travel for work as it is for pleasure or an educational/training type experience. My husband gets to go to medical conferences, which involve a day of thought-provoking, educational sessions and lots of fun. if he didn't bring us along, I might resent that!!

[brittone2]

I don't enjoy it (particularly week long trips vs. 1-2 nights), but I don't resent DH. I do sometimes get short on the phone with him while he's away because i"m overwhelmed, but I'm usually kinda apologetic. And that doesn't happen that often.

DH is very involved when he's home and accrues comp time when he travels and can carry over 2-3 weeks to the following year to use in addition to his vacation time. He works for a family friendly company (no one blinks if we're all sick and he needs to stay home to help w/ the kids, or leave early/come in late because someone has an appt, etc.) That makes it a little easier to swallow.

If he didn't help out day to day a ton it would make me feel more resentful most likely.

Travel is tough on everyone.

eta: it also helps that DH *knows* it is hard and readily acknowledges it. I know he gets it. If he acted like it was no big deal, it would probably annoy me. I actually feel badly because he's so apologetic when he has to travel. I know he'd rather be home and I know he realizes it takes a lot for me to keep up with all 3 kids for a few days without relief. When we lived near my parents it was a little easier to manage. ILs are burned out from regularly babysitting my nephew and MIL taking care of her mom, so they can't really offer much relief (and they are an hour away).

[Kindra178]

DH travels a little, like a three day trip every couple of months and a one - two night trip every month or so. His bigger issue is working late. Getting home at 8 is a great, early night for him. Can you do the following:

Schedule dinner plans with friends and kids for when he is out of town? I have a neighbor whose husband will travel for a week at a time at least once a month, so we will always have dinner at either house when her husband is gone.

Get a sitter for one of the nights your husband is gone. Meet a friend for dinner (or dine by yourself with a great book), go to the gym, go read a book at Starbucks?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

When DH is home he is helpful and involved..maybe that's why it's so hard when he is gone because I realized how hard it is with two kids and no help. He is also really good about telling me to go out and have alone time.

The frustrating part is that he doesn't like it when I get upset about him traveling. It's like he wants me to be happy about it so that he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Thanks for all your responses. It definitely made me feel better to know I am not crazy for feeling the way I do.

Ok, i TOTALLY get this. I think what would help is if you had someone else to chat with/ b*tch to when your DH has to travel. Because my DH too, feels really bad when i complain to him about stuff, esp. dealing with the kids when he has to travel. It makes him feel really bad that he's not there, and that he's not doing enough or that he's failing somehow or whatever. I try to imagine, if the tables were turned, and *I* was the one working and having to travel, and he always complained to me about having to deal the kids.... I know that would make ME feel like crap. Kinda like how many working moms are often made to feel guilty for "abandoning" their kids or whatever...i know I would feel rotten if someone tried to make me feel guilty about simply trying to do my job. So, iv'e learned to try to avoid complaining about stuff like that to him, and instead I bitch here or to other mommy friends who understand what i'm going through. I think it REALLY helps to talk with others who can relate!

[lcarlson90]

DH will actually be attending a conference this week and staying overnight Weds and Thurs... in NYC. Even though we're a *short* train ride away. His rational (right or wrong) is that for him, its the difference between doing the client dinner/drinks that end at midnight and then catching a cab and then sitting on a train and then walking home and winding up in bed closer to 1:30 than staying at a hotel in the city and being able to get to bed closer to midnight. So I understand that aspect.
However, last night, *I* had to work late. So he had to bathe the boys and put them to bed. When I walked in the door at 9pm, and BOTH BOYS WERE ON THE COUCH STILL DRESSED AND WATCHING SCOOBY DOO, yeah, I lost my ish.
If the expectation is set that *I* need to just "take care of it" when he's away on business, then the same should be expected of him, yes?
So *my* issue is that when he has to work late or be away for business, it's no big thing, but when *I* have to work late on a show or have a performance or teacher conference, it's fine for the kids to stay up late, not get baths and still expect mommy to take care of it when she gets home, exhausted, after a full day of work.
*That's* my problem.
:D

I am sorry. I would be pissed too. The thing that frustrates me is that I am so wiped out and depressed when DH gets home from his trips and he acts like it's no big deal to take care of the kids alone. I did go away for the first time in November for a 2 night conference and when I got home he acted like he had the best time, no problem etc. I was like WTF. Maybe I am just a wimp.

[pb&j]

No, because 1) he doesn't travel very often and 2) I occasionally travel for work, too. :) We met while working in the airline industry, so the travel bug is in our blood. We try to travel together, but it's nearly impossible with kids, so we travel separately (for work or with friends) more often.

ETA: Is it possible for you to go with him sometime? Or use some of his hotel points/ff miles to go somewhere yourself or with friends? I love my kids desperately, but it is soooo nice to have a total break from the routine for a couple of days here and there.

[twowhat?]

Ok, i TOTALLY get this. I think what would help is if you had someone else to chat with/ b*tch to when your DH has to travel. Because my DH too, feels really bad when i complain to him about stuff, esp. dealing with the kids when he has to travel. It makes him feel really bad that he's not there, and that he's not doing enough or that he's failing somehow or whatever. I try to imagine, if the tables were turned, and *I* was the one working and having to travel, and he always complained to me about having to deal the kids.... I know that would make ME feel like crap. Kinda like how many working moms are often made to feel guilty for "abandoning" their kids or whatever...i know I would feel rotten if someone tried to make me feel guilty about simply trying to do my job. So, iv'e learned to try to avoid complaining about stuff like that to him, and instead I bitch here or to other mommy friends who understand what i'm going through. I think it REALLY helps to talk with others who can relate!

This is a REALLY good point. I do not vent to DH at all when he travels. I learned my lesson the one weekend he was traveling and the dogs got skunked. I thought it was funny. I told him about it and he was practically hyperventilating in anger/upset that "why do these things have to happen when I'm gone"...so if something goes "wrong" or is "hard" - I do not complain to him but will complain to someone else!!

I do think talking to him is a good idea - it sounds like you really need him to acknowledge how hard it is. And if he doesn't think it is "hard", then he needs more "quality time" with the kids;)

[Binkandabee]

When DH is home he is helpful and involved..maybe that's why it's so hard when he is gone because I realized how hard it is with two kids and no help. He is also really good about telling me to go out and have alone time.

The frustrating part is that he doesn't like it when I get upset about him traveling. It's like he wants me to be happy about it so that he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Thanks for all your responses. It definitely made me feel better to know I am not crazy for feeling the way I do.

Are you sure he's not frustrated? You are complaining to him about something he can't do anything about. This travel is required for his job, is it not?

I don't like it when my DH complains about me having to stay late for work for a meeting and the dinner out that follows. There's nothing I can do about it...if I want to keep this job, I HAVE to attend the meetings and dinner. I get incredibly frustrated when he does this because I have zero say in these meetings and dinners and can't do a thing about it but attend.

[edurnemk]

DH travels every week, yes, every.single.week. Usually from M-Th but he's been gone for 2-3 weeks at a time a few times. It's been like this for almost 2 years.

I don't resent him, because it's not like he enjoys it, it's not vacation, he's always tired, he misses home and he knows he's missing out on a lot of stuff with DS. And he feels guilty that I have to do so much on my own, and that it does affect DS, because he misses him like crazy. I'm pretty used to it by now, but I can't say that I like it, I have days when I'm just sick of it. But I direct my resentment towards his company, his bosses and his clients, not DH. And any b!tching I need to to, is done with my girlfriends.

When he started that job the plan was to remain there 2-3 years because it's a necessary step in a career move he really wants to do. So I agreed to support him for that amount of time, but I am now beginning to subtly pressure him to start sending our resumes.

But I totally understand your feelings because the first week he was gone I was p!ssed off because it was sooo hard. Now that I'm used to it, it's easier. I also have help around the house (housecleaner) and I've made an effort to have some time for my own activities (like yoga). That does help. And when DH is here during the weekend, he lets me sleep in, spends a LOT of time with DS, and takes us out to lunch or dinner.

Does your DH help a lot around the house and with the kids when he doesn't travel? Are the responsibilities equally distributed among both of you? Do you have any time to yourself or an activity of your own? All that can help you cope better with those feelings of unfairness. You could try to negotiate with him hiring extra help when he's gone (babysitter, housecleaner, etc). But you also have to accept that he's not on vacation, it's not entirely in his hands, and he's not doing it to p!ss you off, so don't direct your anger towards him. Acceptance of the things you can't change makes life easier.

[sariana]

DH travels weekly for work, usually M-Th but sometimes all five days. Once a month he is gone for the weekend (Navy Reserve). For most of 2010 he was deployed.

Because of some changes at his company, he was working from home from September-December 2011. I cannot tell you how glad I am that he is back on a travel schedule. He was driving me nuts.

Some things are a nuisance. For example, we are trying to refinance, and our options for scheduling the closing will be very limited. Also, I always have to take DC with me to meetings (e.g. PTA), or else miss out. I often have to ask if I can take the sibling along when the other is invited to a party.

But overall it works for us. DH hates it and wants to find a new job. I don't blame him. He is terribly overworked. But it is easier for all of us if he is doing most of his work away from us and all our distractions.

So no, I don't resent him for traveling. It is just our reality. I can understand why it would be a challenge for many families, though.

[lcarlson90]

I don't resent him, because it's not like he enjoys it, it's not vacation, he's always tired, he misses home and he knows he's missing out on a lot of stuff with DS. And he feels guilty that I have to do so much on my own, and that it does affect DS, because he misses him like crazy. I'm pretty used to it by now, but I can't say that I like it, I have days when I'm just sick of it. But I direct my resentment towards his company, his bosses and his clients, not DH. And any b!tching I need to to, is done with my girlfriends.



The challenge for me is that I KNOW he likes the traveling. He travels to Las Vegas a lot for work and he always posts on FB about how nice is hotel is, how great his food is, about playing black jack, etc. He also has a friend that lives in Las Vegas and they go out to clubs, etc. almost every time he is there.

[edurnemk]

The challenge for me is that I KNOW he likes the traveling. He travels to Las Vegas a lot for work and he always posts on FB about how nice is hotel is, how great his food is, about playing black jack, etc. He also has a friend that lives in Las Vegas and they go out to clubs, etc. almost every time he is there.

Ok, so what is bothering you the most: the fact that he has to travel and you haver to stay home and do it all alone or the fact that he enjoys the trips?

The thing is, you can't change the fact that he has to travel for work, right? If he has a good time on those occasions, is it really that bad? (of course it seems like a bad idea to brag so much about it on FB when he knows it bothers you). My DH's trips are very different because he never has any free time to sightsee or go out (except when he was at Chile for 2-3 weeks at a time and he could actually go skiing during the weekend, but I was fine with that, he deserved a break, he worked till 2-3 am every day during that project). He does tell me about the nice hotels or restaurants he gets to go to, but I just take it to be a minor bonus. Maybe your DH focuses on the good stuff, but believe me, part of him must not enjoy it so much, all those flights and hotels get old pretty fast and it's exhausting in the long run.

I think the best thing you could do is:
a) Accept the fact that he has to travel, and he enjoys some aspects of it. There's no changing that.
b) Dedicate time to yourself doing something YOU enjoy on a regular basis.
c) Figure out why it bothers you so much that he has a good time during these trips, and why it is you don't believe him when he says he'd rather stay home with you.

ETA: d) ask him nicely not to post so much on FB about his trips 'cause it makes it harder for you.

[kmm]

I think your feelings are totally normal I do get jealous, but I think it is because I have not had a night away since we had our oldest 3 1/2 years ago.

[cuca_]

The challenge for me is that I KNOW he likes the traveling. He travels to Las Vegas a lot for work and he always posts on FB about how nice is hotel is, how great his food is, about playing black jack, etc. He also has a friend that lives in Las Vegas and they go out to clubs, etc. almost every time he is there.

Under these circumstances I would be resentful too. I would not be happy if my DH were going to clubs and such during business trips. DH does sometimes see friends when he travels, but usually just goes to dinner or hangs out with their families. I dont mind the ocasinal bar outing, but I would not like it if DH was regularly out partying while I am stuck at home with the kids.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Ok, so what is bothering you the most: the fact that he has to travel and you haver to stay home and do it all alone or the fact that he enjoys the trips?

The thing is, you can't change the fact that he has to travel for work, right? If he has a good time on those occasions, is it really that bad? (of course it seems like a bad idea to brag so much about it on FB when he knows it bothers you). My DH's trips are very different because he never has any free time to sightsee or go out (except when he was at Chile for 2-3 weeks at a time and he could actually go skiing during the weekend, but I was fine with that, he deserved a break, he worked till 2-3 am every day during that project). He does tell me about the nice hotels or restaurants he gets to go to, but I just take it to be a minor bonus. Maybe your DH focuses on the good stuff, but believe me, part of him must not enjoy it so much, all those flights and hotels get old pretty fast and it's exhausting in the long run.

I think the best thing you could do is:
a) Accept the fact that he has to travel, and he enjoys some aspects of it. There's no changing that.
b) Dedicate time to yourself doing something YOU enjoy on a regular basis.
c) Figure out why it bothers you so much that he has a good time during these trips, and why it is you don't believe him when he says he'd rather stay home with you.

ETA: d) ask him nicely not to post so much on FB about his trips 'cause it makes it harder for you.

:yeahthat: i agree. the FB comments (bragging about playing blackjack or going to this or that club, while you're stuck at home with the kids) would bug me too, as i'd kinda feel he was rubbing it in my face....i'd try to somehow tell him that it bothered me. but the other stuff.. i don't think it's that horrible if he has a chance to relax or do some fun stuff here and there while he's traveling. i mean, would it make you feel any better if he was just sitting at home being miserable? ( i personally hate it when my DH has a rough work schedule while he's traveling, bc that means he'll come home extremely tired and grumpy = more stress and more work for me). the times when my DH is not doing field testing and is in a regular office, he does have time in the evenings to go get a haircut, get a massage, or have dinner with a friend. I am actually GLAD he does these things when he travels, partially because he almost never does these things when he's at home. E.g. if he wants to get a haircut when he's here in town, i'd have to watch the kids during that time of course. But if he does it when he's OOT, it's not a big deal..i'm at home with the kiddos anyway, KWIM? That's just how my DH is though...he pretty much never does fun stuff on his own when he's in town (in the evenings and weekends is with us and/or doing something around the house), so i try to cut him some slack. If he was the type who went out with his buddies on a regular, frequent basis (even when he was in town), leaving me to deal with kids, then yeah, i'd be pretty annoyed and that would be an entirely different thing.

eta:maybe you can do something for yourself like get a massage, a mani/pedi, do shopping outing, or something when your DH gets back? you mentioned that he is pretty good about letting you go out do stuff for yourself. i know i always feel less "guilty" about going and getting a massage the weekend after DH gets back from traveling. :)

[sweetsue98]

My travel is similar to your DH and trust me, I would rather be home with my family and I'm sure your DH feels the same. My thoughts are if I'm forced to travel and be away from my family, I deserve a nice meal and a nice hotel. And if there is a little fun involved then that's great too. The person who is not traveling always has to pick up the slack and should be appreciated.

[boilermakermom]

I think it's mostly jealousy. I don't get to travel for work and I don't really have close friends that I would go on trips with. I know that DH would totally encourage me to go away if I had girlfriends that did that type of thing. I think I also feel bad because there is a part of me that thinks DH has a better time when he is gone than when is at home with me and the kids.

I am dealing with this exact thing right now, and feel the exact way. DH is packing his stuff to leave tomorrow for a week for a work training class. I will be at home with DD,
By myself.

He is taking his golf clubs and has been on the phone with co workers today making plans on tee times, dinner, etc. I completely resent that he goes and has fun.

Any other advice on how to deal?

[niccig]

I am dealing with this exact thing right now, and feel the exact way. DH is packing his stuff to leave tomorrow for a week for a work training class. I will be at home with DD,
By myself.

He is taking his golf clubs and has been on the phone with co workers today making plans on tee times, dinner, etc. I completely resent that he goes and has fun.

Any other advice on how to deal?

Get a babysitter for a few hours. Go have a pedicure or lunch/dinner with a friend.

I read it here all the time and hear it from IRL friends that they never get a break, and when you suggest they take some time for themselves and get a babysitter, they say they feel guilty about being away. It's only a few hours, and if it means you can recharge and not feel resentful, it's worth it.

My DH doesn't travel, but he's never home in the evenings. If I want to go to book club, mum's night out with friends, or some event at DS's school, I have to get a babysitter to do it. I no longer feel resentful that once again I'm missing out on something because of DH's work.

And truth, does your DH have any control over how much he travels? If he had to do it to keep his job, you have to find a way to deal. My DH has no control over his finish time each day. He is at mercy of clients and if they want him to stay until 2am, then he has to stay. I can get upset all I like, but as long as he has this job that pays all our bills, it won't change. So I started to get a babysitter when I needed to be somewhere or plan things to do with DS - he loves pancake dinners and we only do it when DH isn't here.

ETA. Some nights I like that DH won't be home, I make DS and I a simple dinner, and once DS is asleep, I vege out in front of the TV watching some soppy show, and get some alone time.

[sntm]

SO travels a ton for work also (probably gone at least 5-10 nights a month, sometimes just overnight, sometimes longer.) I came into this relationship from a divorce where I was single parenting half the time and totally alone the other half. Personally, I like the alone time. It's sometimes a headache for childcare and often I'm exhausted by the time DS is in bed, but I actually like getting to choose what we have for dinner (SO is picky ;) ), getting to have the bed to myself, getting to watch whatever I want on TV, etc. Plus, I think I appreciate him more when he isn't in my hair all the time.

Plus, we go along on the more fun trips. We've stayed at a lovely resort in Bend, Oregon; one on the Oregon shore; San Francisco in two weeks. I'm hoping to go with him to Anchorage (just because I've never been there) this summer while on maternity leave. And he can go with me to conferences (next year Miami and possibly one other.)

I WOH though, so that may be part of the difference. My friends who have husbands that travel and SAH tend to be more resentful. I don't have great advice for you, except to find a way to get your time on your own so you can be more able to let it go.

[megs4413]

I haven't read the whole thread (sorry!), but I feel this way, too.

His "work" trips are usually a lot of hanging out, going out, eating out, and a little tiny bit of "working." He says it's the "networking" at the social functions that matters most anyway (and I know this is true, I have seen his client list and it seems like he's more likely to land a contract if he's got a social tie to the client), but it sure does make me resentful about having to do it all while he's out wining and dining and having a grand old time.

I used to strictly SAH and I tried to tell myself it was a trade off (I get to SAH and not have to work, he goes on trips...), but I WAH now so I don't even have that little sliver of payback. Honestly, I think it comes down to that he doesn't "pitch in" enough when he's not out of town for me to not be jealous about his trips. If he would come home from a trip and be sure to give me extra time away to recharge or pitch in extra to balance things out from when he was gone, I wouldn't have these feelings. I'm sure of it. We are still working on distributing labor equally around here...it's tough! HUGS! I feel your pain!

[s7714]

Yes, because I'm jealous of his freedom, I admit it.

[niccig]

but I WAH now so I don't even have that little sliver of payback. Honestly, I think it comes down to that he doesn't "pitch in" enough when he's not out of town for me to not be jealous about his trips. If he would come home from a trip and be sure to give me extra time away to recharge or pitch in extra to balance things out from when he was gone, I wouldn't have these feelings. I'm sure of it. We are still working on distributing labor equally around here...it's tough! HUGS! I feel your pain!

Ok, that would drive me crazy angry. DH isn't here 50%, so he doesn't do 50%, but he does pitch in and do what he can. Maybe that helps me attitude too.