WWYD? 9 yr old friend of DD home alone after school.

[cdlamis]

DD's friend (9 yrs old) is home alone after school. Her dad was home with her but wasn't a stellar father, was rarely at home after school anyway and recently left due to anger issues (who knows what more). According to DD, the friend is afraid to be alone in the house- mom gets home around 5-6pm, school lets out @ 3pm. DD told me that the friend's mother plans on asking me if she can come over everyday until the mom gets home. Mom and I are not friends- just acquaintances through DDs.

I work 2 afternoons/week and we are only home 1-2 afternoons anyway. I love that time with my kids and I truly don't want to give that up BUT how can I say no? Saying no would mean that the friend stays home alone. Should I ask why the child isn't enrolled in after school care (our school offers it)? I want to help but I also don't want to enable the mom from finding care for her daughter. From the outside, I think they can afford basic after school care but who knows.

Another option is asking our babysitter (with us 2 afternoons a week while I work) if she'd mind taking on another child and how much she'd charge and offering that as an option to the mom (she'd pay the extra fee which would probably be less than after school care).

What do you think? I am so torn!

[niccig]

What a difficult situation. I would be like you, wanting to help out, and not wanting to give up my family time every afternoon. Sorry, I'm not much help.

[Melaine]

I would feel sad for the little girl, but they need to work out a true childcare option. It isn't fair for her to ask you. I would say no.

[infomama]

That's tough but I would say no.

[Tondi G]

I would ask your babysitter how she feels about adding another child to the mix before offering it up to the other mom. Sometimes adding an additional child to a sibling group can change the whole scene... suddenly you have child + friend... then younger siblings are feeling left out etc. And then when your DD and her friend are having issues (from too much togetherness) you are stuck. While it's nice to offer to have the child over from time to time, I think you should suggest that she enroll her child in the after care program at school.

[niccig]

I would feel sad for the little girl, but they need to work out a true childcare option. It isn't fair for her to ask you. I would say no.

Melanie has a point. What happens when you're sick, away, have an appt in the afternoon. School aftercare can cope with all of that.

If she does ask, you can honestly say that you're not home every weekday eithere

[Momit]

I would combine all of the above suggestions. See if the sitter is willing to take on another child for a set time period (2 weeks, 30 days, whatever). I would offer that to the other mom and say you understand that her DD is scared to be alone and if she has a gap in her afterschool care, your sitter can do it for a month for the cost of X, to be paid by the other mom, while she finds a more permanent solution.

[jren]

I might offer my phone number to mom as a number her DD can call if she needs something (hears a strange noise, etc.). Just knowing that she has someone close by to call on may help her feel more confidant being home alone until her mom get there. I don't think 9 is out of the question for spending a few hours at home from school until the mom gets home from work. I did it when I was a kid.

I'm with you that I wouldn't want to commit to having her over every day.

[AnnieW625]

I would combine all of the above suggestions. See if the sitter is willing to take on another child for a set time period (2 weeks, 30 days, whatever). I would offer that to the other mom and say you understand that her DD is scared to be alone and if she has a gap in her afterschool care, your sitter can do it for a month for the cost of X, to be paid by the other mom, while she finds a more permanent solution.

:yeahthat: the school they attend doesn't have after school care? Most schools even have subsidized rates too.

Honestly I think the only thing that might make me think twice is the situation with the dad. I would hate to put your child in danger if there is any way that he can track his daughter and your kids down. At least at the school there is some kind of security, and school or local police can be notified instantly.

[sntm]

You could always offer your place until she establishes a formal child care option for her kid with aftercare or whatever.

FWIW, 9 isn't too crazy of an age for being home alone, depending on the kid. I worry more about after school, because no one is there to check that she got there okay, but I leave my 8 1/2 year old for up to 90 minutes at a time to grocery shop, go to a yoga class. I know he is responsible enough not to do anything dangerous or go outside, etc., though not responsible enough not to fix himself a bowl of ice cream for breakfast, the sneak!!! Anyway, I could see a mature 9 year old being okay to be at home for 2 hours after school with a phone call to mom to say she got home okay. Maybe not ideal, but not necessarily a bad thing.

[almostmom]

I was recently in a similar situation. A friend of DS's needs to be somewhere before school starts, as his mom started working in September as a teacher, and she is divorced. He was at a family friends who is on the same bus, but it wasn't working out between the kids, and so she didn't feel comfortable leaving him there. She asked if he could come to our house in the mornings for an hour, just until she figured something else out. I said yes, of course. She said she didn't want to impose, but I didn't want to say no.

But after about a week, I realized I needed to put a limit on it.

I treasure my morning time with my kids. The bus doesn't come until 8:30, and we often don't get out of bed until 7:30 (well, the kids, not me, usually), which was when this kid was coming over. We do homework, chores, games, and it's a really nice time. Bringing a friend in left DD out, and while it was fun, and the kid was easy, I felt like I had made the choice to have a job that allowed me that time, and now I was losing it. I've made a sacrifice to not look for a job more than 20 minutes away, and now I was losing the benefit of that.

Oh, and our school has before care. And she can definitely afford it. I know she just doesn't want to do it. So I said I would do it until the holidays (it was around Thanksgiving when she asked). I felt like putting a deadline on it made me not resent it, and I didn't, and would make her deal with something that she didn't want to deal with.

But now, she still hasn't dealt. And while the kid isn't coming to my house anymore, he's at another neighbors who I know the kid probably doesn't like very much. But we all have choices. Hers was to take a job she loves, but that starts early in the morning. For those parents, I felt like before school care it an option that is pretty affordable. Watching this kid every morning, when my kids were barely out of bed, wasn't what I wanted for the next 4 years.

So I get it - it's hard. But maybe you could offer to have the friend over for awhile until she figures it out. Mabe say you can do it the days you are home until the end of February or something? Sometimes, a parent just needs breathing room to make a decision (though my situation wasn't like that unfortunately). You can help, but put limits on it.

[cdlamis]

Unfortunately, offering the mother temporary help will probably not do any good. The mom doesn't seem to worry about DDs situation too much- she has never expressed concern or sadness about it. She hasn't opened up to me about anything though, including her DH's departure, so maybe she is a private woman. But, the choices these parents have made lead me to believe that child care is not high on their list.
I am relieved to know that I am not horrible for saying no (if the mom even asks) but am still so sad that the friend's situation will stay the same. :(

[crayonblue]

I think it depends. I would happily take on the after school care of some of DD's friends. Others, no.

How are the dynamics with your children and this little girl?