Does your child freak out when you argue with your DH?

[sste]

Is this normal? I am not talking about me yelling at my DH or using terrible language or even raising my voice. Just me telling my DH with an angry tone of voice that I am very irritated and upset about x, y, and z, must change, not fair to me, etc., etc.

As far back as he could talk my DS has gotten very upset when this happens (and it happens pretty rarely, a couple of times a month). He jumps between us and right in front of his dad with his arms out protectively, proceeds to lecture me on how he is serious mad at me and I am not behaving right - - "this is like when a kid throws a car at your head - - your words are like that!" was what I got last night. He discusses his expectations for my behavior in the future and last night he mentioned a mommy time-out! WTF, am I not entitled to human expressions of upset from time to time?

The kicker is that he ends the whole thing by saying, "When you do that I feel worried inside." Or "you made me feel scared."

Do you all keep all your disagreements behind closed doors? I thought some modeling of healthy human anger and disagreement was helpful but now I feel like mommy dearest . . .

[elektra]

Yes, very much. And then I feel horrible afterwards.
She does not like us to be upset with each other. Sometimes we really are mad, but sometimes even when we are just arguing a point in an animated way (some world topic or something) she doesn't understand we are not mad and she tries to defend one of us. She will yell at DH "don't talk to mommy that way!"

ETA, I do try and keep the real fights out of earshot, but I admit that hasn't always happened.

[TwinFoxes]

Any real disagreements we have we either do out of earshot, or in voices which are so moderated DDs haven't noticed. Either that or they aren't bothered because we've never had any reaction...or they enjoy a good fight. ;)

[arivecchi]

We get timeouts from DS1 and DS2. Usually DH gets a bad boy comment too. :rotflmao: So it does bother them, but it is part of life IMO. We do try to avoid it, but they do know that we are ok after the fact and we tell them that they are right. Like you, I am just referring to typical arguments, not full-blown yelling or anything along those lines.

[Green_Tea]

Any real disagreements we have we either do out of earshot, or in voices which are so moderated DDs haven't noticed. Either that or they aren't bothered because we've never had any reaction...or they enjoy a good fight. ;)

:yeahthat:

The kids might hear me get exasperated with DH about leaving his dishes all over the counter, or him express frustration with me about forgetting to get the oil changed, but pretty much anything more heated than that is discussed/argued about when the kids can't hear.

[mommylamb]

I try to not do it in front of DS as much as possible, and when I do there are nuances to what I'm saying and I'm not sure DS really gets it. He has told DH that he needs to be nice (and DH is almost always the less worked up of the two of us. He's usually nicer to me than I am to him).

One of my best friends was telling me that her daughter told her husband and her that "you two chose to get married, so you have to get along!" I thought that was so funny, and smart.

[new_mom_mry]

What an interesting question you raise! I remember that when I was a kid, I would get really upset when I would hear my parents argue...I was very empathetic from early age and, in my mind, the arguments were putting our family harmony in jeopardy. My brother, on the other hand, who was two years older, could care less and would never ever get upset when he would hear them argue. He felt that there was nothing he could do about it anyway. When you look at our personalities as adults, I am still very emotionally empathetic, whereas my brother has difficulties relating and correctly interpreting others' emotions.

[StantonHyde]

We save all of those discussions for later. My kids see me modeling being angry at them and other drivers so they see anger. The fear is when your parents argue that you think they will leave. I remember being terrified by my parents arguing.

[TwinFoxes]

My kids see me modeling being angry at them and other drivers so they see anger.

I was thinking this too. I'll say something angry, and they'll ask "why did you say that" and I'll tell them something like "mommy is angry because that person didn't go to driving school like he was supposed to" or "that person doesn't understand what a speed limit is and mommy does". Yes, it's biased in my favor. :)

[boolady]

I was thinking this too. I'll say something angry, and they'll ask "why did you say that" and I'll tell them something like "mommy is angry because that person didn't go to driving school like he was supposed to" or "that person doesn't understand what a speed limit is and mommy does". Yes, it's biased in my favor. :)

Um, yeah. I am guilty of far more lapses in appropriate language as a driver than as a spouse. Last year I was taking DD to an opthamology appointment on a snowy, crappy Saturday morning, and I realized that I had passed the office, which I had never been to before. As I slowed down to turn around on this country road, this jerk behind me in a pickup truck honked at me, I guess because my slowing down to turn around ticked him off. I totally blew it and said, "F*** you," then realized what I said.

After a second or two of silence, DD said, "Mommy, why did you say 'thank you' to that driver?" After my heart crept back down out of my throat, I said, "Well, honey, I was thanking him for reminding me to drive safely in this bad weather." So, I curse in front of my child over other drivers and I'm a liar, but at least she doesn't realize it yet.

[pinkmomagain]

:yeahthat:

The kids might hear me get exasperated with DH about leaving his dishes all over the counter, or him express frustration with me about forgetting to get the oil changed, but pretty much anything more heated than that is discussed/argued about when the kids can't hear.

Same here. We rarely argue, but when we do, I try to make sure it is done privately.

[hillview]

We don't. The only time (and maybe it has been 3 times) when it has been DH acting inappropriately with DS1. DH sometimes just totally loses it (not abusive just not appropriate) and DS1 is very emotional when that happens.
/hillary

[sste]

Ok, boolady, I am laughing at my desk here! That is hilarious. :)

Maybe I need to try for more of the closed doors approach - - I somehow thought it was supposed to be helpful for children to see parents argue, resolve, and make-up from time to time. I have read here about how people were upset that when they were growing up everything was behind closed doors and anger was verboten. However, clearly my approach is not working so maybe some closed dooors would benefit us.

I will say it is rather hard for me to corner DH who can't be reached all day at work and then comes home for kid-time and then retreats to his computer as more work needs to be done. Practically speaking we don't have time to argue!!

[chottumommy]

DS1 gets very upset and acts out if we have an argument in front of him (even if its not a fight but about politics etc). However I always try to make up with DH in front of him (even if I'm still upset) so he sees that inspite of the fight, we still love each other. And we get put in timeouts. I think its important for kids to see how to fight fair and with respect. It's an essential part of growing up IMO.

[TwinFoxes]

Maybe I need to try for more of the closed doors approach - - I somehow thought it was supposed to be helpful for children to see parents argue, resolve, and make-up from time to time. I have read here about how people were upset that when they were growing up everything was behind closed doors and anger was verboten. However, clearly my approach is not working so maybe some closed dooors would benefit us.


Anger is NOT verboten in our house, or car. ;) For me, 2-3 times a month is a little more than from time to time. I honestly don't get mad at DH much, I'm sure he has to hold his anger at me in much more often!

ETA: grr, I mean anger is NOT verboten, and wrote IS. There's anger for sure in my car, and DDs are allowed to express anger, and DH and I get upset, we just don't yell or raise voices.

[hwin708]

Maybe I need to try for more of the closed doors approach - - I somehow thought it was supposed to be helpful for children to see parents argue, resolve, and make-up from time to time. I have read here about how people were upset that when they were growing up everything was behind closed doors and anger was verboten. However, clearly my approach is not working so maybe some closed dooors would benefit us.
I read this in a parenting book - I want to say NurtureShock? Anyway, they monitored kids' stress levels and found that they would go up when parents would fight. But that, despite what parents think, kids were very aware of "tension" in the house when their parents were trying to fight behind closed doors, and their stress levels would be just as high. The best thing to do was fight in front of the kids AND make up in front of the kids. Their stress levels dropped completely, compared to remaining elevated for much longer when they didn't get to see the "making up" that was hidden with the fighting. It also said that kids could tell when parents were just faking that they made up. Really interesting.

The whole point was that anger and fighting are, while not pretty, normal human behaviors, and we have to know our kids will experience them. The best thing to do is model how to handle those emotions appropriately.

I wouldn't worry too much that your DS is getting upset - that's normal. The only reason it's worrying you is because he's actually SAYING something about it. Which is great. You've taught him to speak up when he feels upset. And part of teaching him that is speaking up when YOU feel upset.

[g-mama]

We do argue sometimes in front of our kids and they don't like it, esp. the oldest. He will try to tell us to stop, or later tell me not to stay mad at daddy. He has expressed that he worries we will get divorced when we argue, which I know is because he has MANY friends who parents are divorced.

It's not a common occurrence, but we are human and it happens. We are not so perfectly controlled that we can always save arguments for behind closed doors. We wouldn't argue about, say, something to do with dh's family or him working too much, for example, in front of the kids. It's more likely to be something like me saying "Why do you always do this or that", for example, and him telling me I am wrong and then back and forth. It's a spur of the moment type of thing, happening in direct reaction to something one of us says or does. If we waited til later to discuss, it would just blow over by the end of the day, but I don't think the resentment would.

It happens and I may be in the minority here, but I think it's good and healthy for our kids to see that we are real people in a real, human relationship and sometimes it's not all rainbows and butterflies. We make up and move on, and they see that, too.

[Moneypenny]

DH and I rarely argue outright, but we do disagree or crab at each other sometimes. DD doesn't like it, but we use it as an opportunity to discuss that it's perfectly normal for people who love each other very much to sometimes disagree about things. Then we think back to a recent time when DD and I disagreed about something and I point out that we still love each other and like each other. She's also old enough now to have had little spats with her friends so we can bring those times up as examples, as well.

[nmosur]

DD gets upset when I argue with my mother or disagree with her even on the smallest thing. She gets in my face and tells me that I have to respect her and listen to her. With DH, doesn't care as much.

[Cam&Clay]

DS1, who is usually a rock, got very upset when DH and I had a fight in front of him. He was probably around 11 years old and he started screaming at us. He said something to the effect of "Fine! You'll just get a divorce like you and Dad did!" (DH is his stepdad.) I have never seen DH calm down so quickly. He sat DS1 down and assured him that we were not going to divorce, we love each other, etc. He's been fine since then.

DS2 hasn't really been around when DH and I have fought. Either he's asleep or DH is deployed. He does, however, freak out when DS1 and I fight, or usually, it's me yelling something up the stairs to DS1. I have learned to warn him when I'm getting ready to yell at DS1. He covers his ears and says, "Okay, Mommy, go!"

[TwinFoxes]

I read this in a parenting book - I want to say NurtureShock? Anyway, they monitored kids' stress levels and found that they would go up when parents would fight. But that, despite what parents think, kids were very aware of "tension" in the house when their parents were trying to fight behind closed doors, and their stress levels would be just as high. The best thing to do was fight in front of the kids AND make up in front of the kids. Their stress levels dropped completely, compared to remaining elevated for much longer when they didn't get to see the "making up" that was hidden with the fighting. It also said that kids could tell when parents were just faking that they made up. Really interesting.

The whole point was that anger and fighting are, while not pretty, normal human behaviors, and we have to know our kids will experience them. The best thing to do is model how to handle those emotions appropriately.



I don't know this book or their methods of measuring stress, but I think it kind of depends on the level of argument. Like I'm talking about waiting until DDs are in bed before I say can you "PLEASE turn out the lights downstairs you left every single one on". I can't imagine there is lingering stress in the air over that, but I'm sure if they heard me they would hear my annoyed voice which is pretty stressful. ;) Plus DH and I are very loving to each other, so even if they don't see us make up, they see lots of affection so they know we aren't angry. I think kids see plenty of anger, and there can be teachable moments on how to handle anger without DH and me raising our voices at each other.

I don't think there's anything wrong with couples arguing, I'm just not sure I agree it's better.