UPDATED How would you respond?

[LBW]

UPDATE:
So, in the end, I sent a short, polite email to the other mom. I told her I spoke to the teacher and my son, and that there was no problem between the boys. I also suggested she tell her son, "John," to talk to his teacher in the future if something happens to upset him in school. She replied with a nasty email accusing my son of calling her a b****. That confirmed my suspicions that she's nuts. Liam thinks the word "hell" is a really, really bad word, and this mom isn't even on his radar. No way would she ever come up in his conversations at school. (No, he wasn't privy to any conversations I had about the first email.) I asked Liam to do his best not to interact with the other boy.

I thought that was the end of it...until last week. I rec'd a new email from crazy mom (CM):
"I just wanted to let you know that "John" is going to let Ms. Guidance Counselor, Mrs. Teacher and Mrs. Principal know that Liam is harassing him. Kindly inform your son and ask him to stop harassing my child."

I immediately forwarded it to the teacher and asked her to call me. I also wrote an email to the principal (cc:ing teacher) explaining what's been happening with CM and asking her to call me, too. I asked Liam if anything had been going on between him and "John." He told me about an incident that day during recess. He and a group of kids were playing wall ball and were in the middle of a game. "John" walked up and grabbed the ball and started throwing it. The kids reacted in (what I feel is) a pretty typical way, and asked him what he was doing. They asked for the ball back, and Liam told him to wait until they started the next round. He replied that his mom told him he could play wherever he wanted, when he wanted. When he wouldn't return the ball, one of the girls got a teacher, who asked them to include "John." They started a new game, with "John." When he got "out" he sat down on the side of the game court and threw a rock at the wall, which bounced off and hit a couple of the kids. They weren't hurt, and just thought he was being weird. Then he walked away. I described all of this to the principal so that she could check with the playground monitors.

A few days later I received a call from the principal, VP, and teacher. They told me that they weren't sure what their jurisdiction was in a situation like this, but wanted to know what I wanted them to do. I told them my primary concern was Liam, and that he was behaving properly in school. They told me he was behaving exceptionally well. He is not bullying this other child. He barely interacts with him. If anything, the teacher has witnessed Liam trying to "extend an olive brach" by asking "John" what's wrong and trying to include him in groups. They emphasized that they are proud of his behavior. They said, and this floored me, that CM had NOT CONTACTED ANYONE at school. I asked them to make sure Liam wasn't assigned to any groups with "John" in any classes, and they agreed to do that.

I've spoken to two local moms about these incidents. One had had an odd experience with CM a few years ago. I knew about it then. (DCP situation described in one of the posts in this thread.) The other just told me that she received a series of harassing emails from CM a few years ago after a tragedy in my friend's family. What she described was awful. I honestly thought they barely knew each other until this conversation. Also, during the week at sports practice, my husband was approached by another dad. The dad asked 'What's going on with "John"?' My H didn't know how to respond -- he wasn't sure if the dad was going to ask why Liam was harassing him, or what he heard. But get this: They, too, are receiving emails accusing their child of harassing "John." My H explained our situation and that we had gone to the teacher and principal. The other dad said they'd probably do the same. I feel so bad for this child -- it seems as if she's doing her best to alienate local families. I'm sure he's miserable at school because of her actions. But, I have to feel worse for my son and the other children who are being falsely accused.

I do not plan on responding to CM this time. And, I'm okay with how the school is dealing with it for now. If I get another email, or if I hear that she's talking to other families and slandering my child, I will ask the school if they can do anything else. To me, that would be a parent bullying a child. Also, CM is our PTO treasurer, so if she continues with these emails and accusations, I will request that she be removed. Not sure if they have the authority to do this, but I think it's highly inappropriate for a person like her to have any financial authority at school.

Whew! That's it for now. I hope that's it for good. Feel free to share your advice or describe what you'd do. And if anyone knows how PTO appointments work, and how my request would be received, please share.


--------
This is a long one!

I got an email last night from the mother of a boy in my oldest's (Liam's) class. I'll paraphrase:

"I would like to talk to you about Liam and "John" and class. They really don’t seem to get along anymore however it seems that Liam really gives "John" a hard time. "John" does come home upset a lot and that really bothers me. I would like to see if you and I can figure out a way to put an end to this. Let me know what would work for you."

Background: Liam and her son were sorta friends a few years ago. I say sorta because her son really wanted to come over to our house all of the time, but mine rarely asked for playdates. They seemed to play well together, so I encouraged it. Then I found out the mother was complaining about my house and parenting habits to other moms. (No, I don't have a super smelly/messy house. I'm a decent mom. She's just nuts.) So, I put an end to the playdates.

The boys were in different classrooms the past couple of years, but are in the same class again this year. They have different friends. I've never heard my son mention hers - not once. Also, giving another child a "hard time" is very out-of-character for Liam. So, I was really surprised, to say the least, to get the email.

I talked to Liam about it. He told me he rarely speaks to her son, but there was an incident at school that day during indoor recess. Her son was roughhousing with another boy. He was actually on top of him on the floor. Liam tried to pull him off by his ankle. They weren't fighting - they all thought it was fun, and no one complained. We had a conversation about how any roughhousing at school is inappropriate. I figured I'd call the teacher today to get more insight.

Spoke to the teacher today. She basically confirmed what I thought - the boys rarely ever interact, and she's never seen my son give any other child in the class a "hard time." She has no concern over his behavior at all. In fact, she complimented him. Any time she does correct him, he takes it very seriously.

(I want to add here, that if the teacher told me there were issues with Liam bullying other kids, I'd be all over him. Totally not acceptable in any shape or form.)

What would you do now? I'm considering a very short email reply along the lines of, "Thanks for getting in touch. I spoke with Liam and the teacher. Neither knows of any situation where Liam did something to upset your son." But, I know she'll react badly. That bad reaction will likely include bashing me to the local parents. Or formally accusing Liam of bullying her son (taken very, very seriously in NJ these days). Basically, she'll react badly to any response other than "OMG you are right. My son is a devil child, and your son is an innocent victim. I will punish him severely."

What would you do? I'm tempted to ignore it or ask her to discuss with the teacher since I'm not in the school with the kids, but that's very out-of-character for me. I like resolution. But I don't want to get into a big battle with her over this.


SIGH.

[crl]

Oh. That's tough. What if you suggest that she talk with the teacher to get details before you all talk about it? Then the teacher will tell her that nothing is really going on?

Catherine

[pinkmomagain]

Well I'm one of the posters, when this type of things come up, that likes to leave it to the school to deal with. So I like your idea of responding to her and encouraging her to discuss it with the teacher. I would not ignore her email and I would not engage with her too deeply. Short and sweet.

[wellyes]

I'd agree to have coffee, hear her out, nod and smile occasionally. Don't take her more seriously than you need to, but also don't make an email chain. That can't end well.

[edurnemk]

Oh. That's tough. What if you suggest that she talk with the teacher to get details before you all talk about it? Then the teacher will tell her that nothing is really going on?

Catherine

:yeahthat: I don't think you and her meeting would be productive. Tell her you were surprised by this so you already talked to the teacher to get an objective perspective, and you think the best course of action would be for her to talk to her as well.

What a strange lady, I think if DS said a kid was giving him a hard time at school I'd talk to his teacher before approaching the other mom about it. It's also not clear from her email what's making her kid upset, is he feeling bullied? is he upset that your son doesn't interact with him?

[ett]

Basically, she'll react badly to any response other than "OMG you are right. My son is a devil child, and your son is an innocent victim. I will punish him severely."

What would you do? I'm tempted to ignore it or ask her to discuss with the teacher since I'm not in the school with the kids, but that's very out-of-character for me. I like resolution. But I don't want to get into a big battle with her over this.


SIGH.

Could you just email something vague like, "Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I will talk to Liam about it." and leave it at that? And don't respond about getting together. If she continues to pursue it, I think you should ask her to discuss it with the teacher since this is clearly an in class issue.

Sorry that you're dealing with this. She certainly sounds like a difficult mom.

[chozen]

Well I'm one of the posters, when this type of things come up, that likes to leave it to the school to deal with. So I like your idea of responding to her and encouraging her to discuss it with the teacher. I would not ignore her email and I would not engage with her too deeply. Short and sweet.

:yeahthat: short and sweet sounds like the best with this mom.

[gatorsmom]

Oh. That's tough. What if you suggest that she talk with the teacher to get details before you all talk about it? Then the teacher will tell her that nothing is really going on?

Catherine

:yeahthat: That's what I was going to say. I would say something to the effect of she should talk to their teacher first to get first- hand details of what is going. Then maybe all three of you and talk to the teacher on how best to handle this so that no child feels harmed or upset at school. I'd copy the teacher on that email too.

[gatorsmom]

Could you just email something vague like, "Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I will talk to Liam about it." and leave it at that? And don't respond about getting together. If she continues to pursue it, I think you should ask her to discuss it with the teacher since this is clearly an in class issue.

Sorry that you're dealing with this. She certainly sounds like a difficult mom.

Oooo, I like this idea much better than my first post. I think you should be short, sweet AND vague. Then, if she tries to pursue it further, get the teacher involved. I would NOT go out to coffee with her simply because I know that i would want to argue with her more ridiculous statments. If she doesn't like your first response, offer to meet with the teacher. At least then, you have a witness and the teacher can make the decision on the best way to handle it going forward.

[elliput]

Could you just email something vague like, "Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I will talk to Liam about it." and leave it at that? And don't respond about getting together. If she continues to pursue it, I think you should ask her to discuss it with the teacher since this is clearly an in class issue.

:yeahthat: Based on your comments here -
Then I found out the mother was complaining about my house and parenting habits to other moms. (No, I don't have a super smelly/messy house. I'm a decent mom. She's just nuts.) So, I put an end to the playdates. I'm inclined to think that, as with the apple, the coconut doesn't fall very far from the tree, and the son is probably exaggerating about the issue to his mom.

[annex]

I might be the voice of dissent, if only because we've seen so many posts on the board about how bullying often goes unnoticed by teachers. If there was even the slimmest possibility my kid might be withholding some incidents that had happened from me, I would meet with the mom to hear what her son had said. I would be vague about what I do with the info, but it might open up some discussions with your son. You will, possibly, be able to confirm this mom is crazy. Or you might learn that your son has not been aware that some of his behaviors may be unkind, and you have a chance to educate him.

[infomama]

I wouldn't meet with her but I would respond (as pp suggested...vague but still addressing her concerns).

[Pyrodjm]

I would probably say something like I will speak to DS and the teacher. I appreciate you coming to me with your concern. If she presses you, you could always say that you spoke to them both and ask for particular instances where your son caused trouble.

She sounds looney, encourage your son to continue to steer clear of John. I think avoiding riling her up is the best way to go.

[ha98ed14]

Didn't read the other responses, but my two cents is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ONE ON ONE! Just write back to John's Mom and ask to have a joint meeting with the teacher so you can both get her perspective. Don't confirm or dispute her claims about Liam's behavior in the email. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING other than your desire to meet jointly with John's Mom and Mrs. Teacher. Then immidiately email the teacher asking for an appointment and copy John's mom. Teacher will know why you are asking. Don't leave it to John's Mom to set up the appointment. Take control of this one. That way no one can say you were not responsive. Let John's Mom hear from Mrs. Teacher that the boys no longer interact.

If your really worried about the possibility of Liam being labeled a bully, document everything, write down the gist of every conversation from your perspective, save every email and put nothing in writing other than setting up a meeting. I would even ask the teacher to compose an email summarizing your conversation with her when she said that Liam and this boy don't interact and that Liam does not give other kids a difficult time.

[artvandalay]

What a sucky situation. I"m not sure what I would say, but I would not meet with her in person.

[fivi2]

Didn't read the other responses, but my two cents is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ONE ON ONE! Just write back to John's Mom and ask to have a joint meeting with the teacher so you can both get her perspective. Don't confirm or dispute her claims about Liam's behavior in the email. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING other than your desire to meet jointly with John's Mom and Mrs. Teacher. Then immidiately email the teacher asking for an appointment and copy John's mom. Teacher will know why you are asking. Don't leave it to John's Mom to set up the appointment. Take control of this one. That way no one can say you were not responsive. Let John's Mom hear from Mrs. Teacher that the boys no longer interact.

If your really worried about the possibility of Liam being labeled a bully, document everything, write down the gist of every conversation from your perspective, save every email and put nothing in writing other than setting up a meeting. I would even ask the teacher to compose an email summarizing your conversation with her when she said that Liam and this boy don't interact and that Liam does not give other kids a difficult time.

I tend to agree with this, if you are really concerned about this woman raising a fuss.

It obviously depends on her level of crazy, but she might try to bring this up and make your life difficult in the future/whenever it is convenient (like trying to have your son excluded from parties or sport teams. It sounds like you guys run in the same circle). Be responsive, have a neutral third party there (the teacher), and limit your responses to her.

Sorry!

(on a side note, there was one time when I witnessed a girl totally attack my dd at a birthday party. It was honestly shocking how aggressive this child was. I spoke to the teacher who said she had never had a problem with this girl and that dd and this girl rarely interact. Dd said this wasn't normal. I think everyone would have thought it was dd's imagination if she had reported it, since it was apparently so out of character for this girl. But I saw it. I used to teach 4 and 5 year olds, and this was strange, unprovoked, aggressive behavior. I didn't confront the parent, I just asked the teacher to watch them.

All that to say that, while you of course trust your son, sometimes kids act out of character. )

[DietCokeLover]

Could you just email something vague like, "Thanks for bringing it to my attention. I will talk to Liam about it." and leave it at that? And don't respond about getting together. If she continues to pursue it, I think you should ask her to discuss it with the teacher since this is clearly an in class issue.

Sorry that you're dealing with this. She certainly sounds like a difficult mom.

:yeahthat:

[malphy]

Didn't read the other responses, but my two cents is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ONE ON ONE! Just write back to John's Mom and ask to have a joint meeting with the teacher so you can both get her perspective. Don't confirm or dispute her claims about Liam's behavior in the email. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING other than your desire to meet jointly with John's Mom and Mrs. Teacher. Then immidiately email the teacher asking for an appointment and copy John's mom. Teacher will know why you are asking. Don't leave it to John's Mom to set up the appointment. Take control of this one. That way no one can say you were not responsive. Let John's Mom hear from Mrs. Teacher that the boys no longer interact.

If your really worried about the possibility of Liam being labeled a bully, document everything, write down the gist of every conversation from your perspective, save every email and put nothing in writing other than setting up a meeting. I would even ask the teacher to compose an email summarizing your conversation with her when she said that Liam and this boy don't interact and that Liam does not give other kids a difficult time.

:yeahthat:

[Jo..]

Haven't read the pps but wanted to give you my opinion before doing so...

It sounds to me like John's mom is a pain in the ass...but her letter to you was unoffensive and phrased well for what *SHE* thinks the situation might be.

I suspect that John is upset by Liam so much because Liam is no longer as friendly with him. Not because he is a bully or due to any bad behavior.

What would I do? DAMAGE CONTROL. I have a friend whose son was accused of bullying (through no fault of his own), and now this 8 year old boy has a permanent black mark on his record.

I would advise Liam to limit contact with John when possible. Sounds like he's already doing that aside from the last incident.

I would send John's mother a reply...but I am still mulling over exactly what you should say. Something along the lines of kids should be kind to everyone, and if they cannot be kind to one another, in the future they should limit interaction.

[Jo..]

Didn't read the other responses, but my two cents is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ONE ON ONE! Just write back to John's Mom and ask to have a joint meeting with the teacher so you can both get her perspective. Don't confirm or dispute her claims about Liam's behavior in the email. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING other than your desire to meet jointly with John's Mom and Mrs. Teacher. Then immidiately email the teacher asking for an appointment and copy John's mom. Teacher will know why you are asking. Don't leave it to John's Mom to set up the appointment. Take control of this one. That way no one can say you were not responsive. Let John's Mom hear from Mrs. Teacher that the boys no longer interact.

If your really worried about the possibility of Liam being labeled a bully, document everything, write down the gist of every conversation from your perspective, save every email and put nothing in writing other than setting up a meeting. I would even ask the teacher to compose an email summarizing your conversation with her when she said that Liam and this boy don't interact and that Liam does not give other kids a difficult time.

Just read the other replies and agree with this one the most. In this day with lawsuits and labels, I am not sure that you can be too careful. :(

[larig]

I haven't read all of the other responses, but what I'd say is this...


Your email concerned me, because I find the kind of behavior you described to be unacceptable and uncharacteristic (thankfully) for Liam. I spoke with the boys' teacher to get some insight, so I could best help.

Teacher X said the boys rarely interact, which confirmed what Liam told me when I (confronted him about)/(discussed with him) the issue. Based on what Teacher X said it seems that Liam's behavior is fine, and was even complimented by Teacher X. I think the best course of action is for you to discuss the issue with Teacher X to get her perspective on the situation, since she was in-room when John has had problems with Liam's actions.

[LBW]

Thanks for the responses- I appreciate them all. I'm leaning towards emailing or calling and being very brief. I really don't want to meet up with her because she can be fairly aggressive, and I'm not. In fact, I'm leaning towards email for that very reason. Though, with anyone else, I'd definitely call.


Tell her you were surprised by this so you already talked to the teacher to get an objective perspective, and you think the best course of action would be for her to talk to her as well.

What a strange lady, I think if DS said a kid was giving him a hard time at school I'd talk to his teacher before approaching the other mom about it. It's also not clear from her email what's making her kid upset, is he feeling bullied? is he upset that your son doesn't interact with him?

I agree with this 100%! If any of my kids was coming home upset frequently, the first thing I'd do would be to call the teacher to get background. No way would I go to a parent first, unless we were close. I like the idea of suggesting she talk to the teacher now that I have. I could suggest they loop me in for a meeting if they feel it's needed.


Then maybe all three of you and talk to the teacher on how best to handle this so that no child feels harmed or upset at school. I'd copy the teacher on that email too.

Yes - like this idea - thanks!


:yeahthat: Based on your comments here - I'm inclined to think that, as with the apple, the coconut doesn't fall very far from the tree, and the son is probably exaggerating about the issue to his mom.

She's very defensive and a perfectionist. I wouldn't be surprised if she grilled her son on why he got 99 instead of 100 and he used Liam as an excuse. He's probably learning by now that if she can blame someone else's kids, she will. Sad because from what I remember, he's a nice kid.

To help put this in perspective, it isn't just me who thinks she's difficult. The teacher strongly hinted at it in our phone conversation. Plus, we both used to use the same in home daycare provider -- a neighbor. Her daughter was bringing a lot of toys every morning, which was causing problems because she didn't want to share, but the other children wanted to play with them. The provider sent an email to all parents reminding us of her policy not to bring toys with them in the mornings. This mom flipped. She sent a nasty email and told the DCP to leave her daughter's things on the porch - she'd pick them up the next day. She felt the (neutrally worded) email was an attack against her. So, I need to tread lightly here, to say the least!


I might be the voice of dissent, if only because we've seen so many posts on the board about how bullying often goes unnoticed by teachers. If there was even the slimmest possibility my kid might be withholding some incidents that had happened from me, I would meet with the mom to hear what her son had said. I would be vague about what I do with the info, but it might open up some discussions with your son. You will, possibly, be able to confirm this mom is crazy. Or you might learn that your son has not been aware that some of his behaviors may be unkind, and you have a chance to educate him.

I really do appreciate this, but knowing her history, and knowing my son, I just think she is searching for someone to blame. For what...I don't know. Honestly, if I thought my son could be bullying, or if the teacher even suspected any inappropriate behavior, I'd do whatever I could to put a stop to it. I'm asking my son to just stay away from her son. I really do feel like I need to protect Liam from her accusations at this point.


Didn't read the other responses, but my two cents is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ONE ON ONE! Just write back to John's Mom and ask to have a joint meeting with the teacher so you can both get her perspective. Don't confirm or dispute her claims about Liam's behavior in the email. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING other than your desire to meet jointly with John's Mom and Mrs. Teacher. Then immidiately email the teacher asking for an appointment and copy John's mom. Teacher will know why you are asking. Don't leave it to John's Mom to set up the appointment. Take control of this one. That way no one can say you were not responsive. Let John's Mom hear from Mrs. Teacher that the boys no longer interact.

If your really worried about the possibility of Liam being labeled a bully, document everything, write down the gist of every conversation from your perspective, save every email and put nothing in writing other than setting up a meeting. I would even ask the teacher to compose an email summarizing your conversation with her when she said that Liam and this boy don't interact and that Liam does not give other kids a difficult time.

Thanks for this - it confirms what I was worried about.


Keep the ideas coming. I'm going to mull this over for another day before responding. I'm leaning towards a short response suggesting a meeting with the teacher. Do you think I should ask her for more info about her son's accusations? (wouldn't word it that way, of course)

[g-mama]

Didn't read the other responses, but my two cents is UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES DO YOU DISCUSS THIS WITH HER ONE ON ONE! Just write back to John's Mom and ask to have a joint meeting with the teacher so you can both get her perspective. Don't confirm or dispute her claims about Liam's behavior in the email. PUT NOTHING IN WRITING other than your desire to meet jointly with John's Mom and Mrs. Teacher. Then immidiately email the teacher asking for an appointment and copy John's mom. Teacher will know why you are asking. Don't leave it to John's Mom to set up the appointment. Take control of this one. That way no one can say you were not responsive. Let John's Mom hear from Mrs. Teacher that the boys no longer interact.

If your really worried about the possibility of Liam being labeled a bully, document everything, write down the gist of every conversation from your perspective, save every email and put nothing in writing other than setting up a meeting. I would even ask the teacher to compose an email summarizing your conversation with her when she said that Liam and this boy don't interact and that Liam does not give other kids a difficult time.

See now, this seems a little bit of an overreaction to me.

I found myself in pretty much this same situation a year ago. A mom of DS2's classmate who is also our neighbor and I see at the bus stop each day called me to say that my ds was picking on her dd. She was very upset and said her dd had complained for a while about my ds and finally was okay with her mom bringing it up with me. I heard her out and told her I was sorry if her ds had been upset and I would discuss this with my child.

I talked to ds and he gave me a completely different story. For every example she had mentioned, my ds had a different version. I have never heard or seen anything negative about my ds like this mom was describing.

I saw the mom a few days later at the bus stop and told her I'd talked with my ds and that he saw things differently, but that he agreed to keep his distance from her dd to avoid potential conflict or misunderstanding. She said that wasn't necessary and I said yes, it was. She then asked, "Does your ds hate me now?" I replied, no, he doesn't hate you but thinks you hate him and is very uncomfortable around you now. This upset her, but...oh well.

A few months later, I had an opportunity to talk casually with their teacher and she said this was totally absurd and she'd never seen anything like this. She said ds was a fantastic kid, hadn't a single enemy and if anything, this girl was the problem. She was convinced this girl had a major crush on my ds and that she antagonized him to get his attention and then when he playfully bantered back, she'd get pissed off. She'd been spoken to about punching and kicking my ds!

Anyway, I don't know about having such a formal meeting at this point. If it works its way up to that, then so be it, but don't start there.

[Green_Tea]

Last spring I was approached by a mom who wanted to go out for coffee because her DD (a friend of my DD's - let's call her "Sue") said that my DD was being unkind to her. I met with her - she was someone I was somewhat friendly with, so it seemed like the right thing to do. I really wish I hadn't. She said my DD was doing all sorts of unkind, queen bee-ish things, and I basically took her at her word. She didn't want me to explicitly ask my DD if she was having any issues with Sue because, according to her, Sue feared retaliation. This raised red flags for me. I discussed things with DD anyway and she flat out denied that anything this mom had accused her of was true. I also spoke to her teacher and to the moms of several of her other friends and basically asked them if there were ever times that their kids felt that my DD was being unkind or mean to them - I said that we were working on instilling the importance of being a good friend, and that I'd really appreciate them being candid. They all - teacher and parents alike - told me that they had never observed such behavior and had never heard their kids complain of it either. I never once mentioned to other parents that Sue's mom had approached me, but one mom did say, "I bet I know why you're asking. Did Sue's mom talk to you? She does a lot of that."

The incident created a great deal of drama and stress in my life, and in DD's. I regret meeting with her, and resolved that if such a scenario presented itself again that I'd respond by saying something like, "This sounds like something we should discuss with Amy and Sue's teacher so we can get an objective perspective. Have you contacted her?"

ETA: When I spoke to DD's teacher, I *did* name names. When I told her that it was Sue and her mom that were having an issue, she didn't seem the least bit surprised, and said something along the lines of, "I haven't observed anything like you're describing, but if I did, Sue would be the antagonist, not the other way around."

[sntm]

I like the sample email someone above listed where you calmly state the facts and suggest she talk to the teacher for more info.

One thing to keep in mind (not necessarily this situation but when these situations come up) is that even good kids can act meanly towards other kids and few kids will simply own up to bullying just cuz mom asks - how many posts have we seen where a parent is on the other end trying to get another rparent to recognize their kid's behavior? Anything where we get overly defensive runs the risk of blinding us to a potential problem. Sounds like this is not that situation, but from the other mom's perspective, crazy though she may be, she's just trying to look out for her kid.

[twowhat?]

No way would I meet with just the Mom!!! I would email something short ("Thank you for your email. Let's set up a meeting with the teacher to discuss.") and set up a meeting WITH the teacher. Let the teacher moderate it - the teacher will keep a bit of a closer eye on any potential negative interaction between the boys and the mom will hopefully back off. The teacher is the only one who can actually witness the boys' interaction at school.

[BeccaB.]

I agree with PPs that encourage letting the teacher handle it. I used to teach myself and would rather have parents discuss these sorts of problems with someone to mediate than to have the situation blow up because one of the parents is off their rocker.

[crl]

Do you think it is possible she already talked with the teacher and was told the teacher hadn't seen Liam doing anything inappropriate? And now she is pursuing it with you because she still isn't satisfied? Maybe I am reading too much into it, but given your description of her and the fact that the teacher hinted that this parent is difficult. . . .

Catherine

[LBW]

bump for update in OP

[edurnemk]

:47: That woman needs professional help.

[elektra]

Sounds like you did the absolute right thing by forwarding the email to the school right away, and bringing them into the situation. I would be really upset too that she was saying those things about my DS. I can't help but feel for "John" too. It sounds like he does not know how to handle social situations well, and it's making things difficult for him. Maybe he just wants to play and instead of just getting in line, he steals the ball, etc. And I think the way his mother is handling it is making it even worse.

[crl]

Sounds like you did the absolute right thing by forwarding the email to the school right away, and bringing them into the situation. I would be really upset too that she was saying those things about my DS. I can't help but feel for "John" too. It sounds like he does not know how to handle social situations well, and it's making things difficult for him. Maybe he just wants to play and instead of just getting in line, he steals the ball, etc. And I think the way his mother is handling it is making it even worse.

:yeahthat:

Catherine

[kara97210]

:47: That woman needs professional help.

:yeahthat:

Seriously, can you request that your son is not in the same class with John next year? Sounds like this woman has some real issues.

[California]

It sounds like you are handling this well and absolutely did the right thing by forwarding her email. Having dealt with something similar, the best thing I did was to refuse to keep it private. The other woman (really a bully) stopped once she realized she couldn't secretly bully me via email.

Personally how I would handle this is to send her an email CC'd to the principal, teacher, guidance counselor, your DH-- everyone you can, simply stating, "Dear So and So, For any future emails please include the principal, teacher and guidance counselor so they can be informed of the situation. At this time I ask that any personal emails to me stop. Anything exchanged by us via email will be forwarded and shared with the principal, teacher and guidance counselor so we can all work together for the children's best interest."

If you hear of any other parents receiving these unwanted emails, ask them to do the same.

If it doesn't stop her, at least it puts her emails out there for others to read and the burden is shared. Definitely it'll help to get her off the PTO board if several people are in on these emails.

[codex57]

Yeah, I'd CC other PTO parents too. Not just the ones who said they had issues with her.

[amandabea]

:47: That woman needs professional help.

:yeahthat: I'm really freaked out by this woman's behavior.

[TwinFoxes]

:47: That woman needs professional help.


:yeahthat: I'm really freaked out by this woman's behavior.


Sounds like you did the absolute right thing by forwarding the email to the school right away, and bringing them into the situation. I would be really upset too that she was saying those things about my DS. I can't help but feel for "John" too. It sounds like he does not know how to handle social situations well, and it's making things difficult for him. Maybe he just wants to play and instead of just getting in line, he steals the ball, etc. And I think the way his mother is handling it is making it even worse.

I agree with all of this. She's nuts, and her DS is suffering because of it. Instead of helping him navigate social situations, she's modeling how not to behave. Very sad.

[ha98ed14]

Re: the update. I would save everything. Make a timeline of all the incidents and maybe even print off all the emails and put them in a folder/ binder by date. I also wouldn't rule out going to the police. I only say that because the school has been unsure of where their authority begins/ends. You might end up needing a restraining order if this really gets ugly. Line up your armada of ducks so your ready to do battle if it comes to that. And echoing OPs, she is nuts! Anyone who was concerned their child was being bullied would WANT the school involved! It's the first place they'd go before personally contacting the accused bully's parents.

[Uno-Mom]

I missed the original post and haven't read all the replies but I wanted to say that you seem to be handling this SO well!! Nicely done.

[missym]

Nut. Job. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and that it's affecting your son. You've gotten some great advice, so just hugs here. :22:

[pinkmomagain]

Personally how I would handle this is to send her an email CC'd to the principal, teacher, guidance counselor, your DH-- everyone you can, simply stating, "Dear So and So, For any future emails please include the principal, teacher and guidance counselor so they can be informed of the situation. At this time I ask that any personal emails to me stop. Anything exchanged by us via email will be forwarded and shared with the principal, teacher and guidance counselor so we can all work together for the children's best interest."

I really like this idea alot. Nicely worded. Just might stop her in her tracks.

So sorry you are dealing with this. But it sounds like you are handling it well.

[kali]

:47: That woman needs professional help.

And she is ensuring that her poor child will too, if he doesn't already. Poor kid.


Personally how I would handle this is to send her an email CC'd to the principal, teacher, guidance counselor, your DH-- everyone you can, simply stating, "Dear So and So, For any future emails please include the principal, teacher and guidance counselor so they can be informed of the situation. At this time I ask that any personal emails to me stop. Anything exchanged by us via email will be forwarded and shared with the principal, teacher and guidance counselor so we can all work together for the children's best interest."


This is a brilliant approach. Very neutral tone, with the clear message that your main interest is in helping and protecting the kids.

Is the child's dad any easier to deal with? It could help to keep him in the loop as well. He might not even know what mom has been up to. I know several couples (a few in my extended family :shake:) in which one parent is nutty enough to behave like this woman, while the other one would be mortified and put a stop to it right away.