Looking for some thoughts on this situation with my Mom

[Binkandabee]

I'm not quite sure what to think about this, so I'm coming here to ask for some perspective. I'm caught up in it, so I can't really see things clearly.
This will probably be long!

This has to do with dressing my oldest daughter and my youngest daughter's crib. My DD is 8.5 years old and since she was born, I've basically dressed her in Gymboree clothes and not much else. She's a tomboy and for the most part doesn't give a lick about what she wears. I buy it, wash it, and set it out for her in the morning and she puts it on. I used to match her head to toe, but now that she's older, I pretty much just stick to tops with plain jeans and maybe some matching shoes or boots. She doesn't match head to toe any more.

My Mom for some strange reason doesn't like that I dress her in Gymboree clothes. I find it odd that my mom cares what I dress my daughter in, not that she doesn't care for Gymboree, I know it's not everyone's style. If we are out shopping together when we visit (she lives out of town), she makes it a point to take DD into Justice but refuses to go in when I want to go to Gymboree. It's just so strange and I can't figure out what is going on here. I know it's about something more than dressing my daughter, but I just don't know what it is.

For what it's worth, I like Justice just fine. Not necessarily whole-heatedly like Gymboree, but I can almost always find something at Justice that I like, I just have to dig a little deeper and because of that, I don't really shop there much. I know Gymboree, know the sizing, know the sales and coupons, so it's just easier for me. Justice is all over the place in sizing so DD has to try on every single thing which is a nightmare for me.

Now, the issue with DD#2's crib is that my mom has expressed loud and clear that she thinks it's sad that DD#2 is still in a crib at 3.5 years old. Sad was her exact word. She brings this up every time she comes to visit how DD#2 should be in a big girl bed, it's sad to keep her in a crib, etc. Again, why does my Mom care so much about what bed DD#2 sleeps in? She's happy in her crib and as long as she's happy, I'm inclined to just let her be.

I will give a little insight into my mom that may help shed some light. She is a perfectionist and as such thinks she is perfect. By that I mean that she thinks her way of doing things is the only way to do things right. She also takes things personally that aren't meant to be personal at all. And finally, she will forgive people but she never, ever forgets and is very quick to write people off if they do something that just happens to rub her the wrong way.

Any insight into what is actually going on here? I care because it really does hurt my feelings that my Mom has such distaste for how I like to dress DD#2. I think she looks adorable. I don't care so much about DD#2's crib other than I'm worried DD#2 will care because my Mom does and will then start asking for a big girl bed simply because my Mom planted that idea in her head.

[boolady]

While I know this sounds easier said than done, I think you have to just ignore it. Your mom sounds exactly like my FIL, who has told relatives calling from within an hour or two of delivery that their newborns' names are "awful" and that they need to choose another name, and who generally expresses his opinion about many, many things that are none of his concern all of the time. ALL.OF.THE.TIME. He does has done this to DH since childhood, continues to mock him for choices he makes as an adult that are not even remotely mockworthy or his business, and he doesn't care. He truly believes, it seems, that he is gracing everyone with his learned opinion even when he has no idea what he's talking about.

It has taken DH a long time (and professional help) to figure out how to deal with him, but he now just takes the approach of calmly saying that this is the choice that he's made and moving on. That doesn't always stop my FIL from continuing to go on, but if he does, DH just ignores him or physically gets some distance between FIL and himself. It may sound passive, but my FIL is not going to change or stop, so DH has learned to do what he needs to do to keep my FIL's behavior from impacting him in such a negative way. Sorry to hear you're dealing with this...I know how it stinks. :grouphug:

[misshollygolightly]

Huh. Seems like she's in a hurry for your DDs to grow up! Maybe she just wants to be seen as the "cool" grandma who will buy them/let them do big girl things. That's my best guess, anyway. Justice is more tween/preteen-like than Gymbo, and the crib thing seems to be about being a "big girl".

As far as what you can do...not much! Maybe say something lightly about how you're just not in a huge hurry for your girls to grow up...you want to let them enjoy their childhoods? I dunno...that's a tough one!

[Ceepa]

She's offering her opinion. You don't agree with it so ignore and continue doing what's best for your family. You are the parent.

Considering your mom is pointing you to Justice and away from Gymboree for DD1 and commenting on your other DD in a crib still, it sounds like she thinks the girls are being kept in stages that are too young for them.

I totally think your mom is in the wrong if this is her thinking and she needs to stop campaigning for parenting choices that have nothing to do with what the actual parents want.

[wellyes]

I don't think it is more complicated than her wanting a little control and thinking she knows better than you. Very natural and normal. You just can't let it get to you.

If she wants to buy your daughter Justice stuff, OK. If she doesn't' like the gymbo stuff, too bad. That's all there is too it. If she criticizes you, just go with "Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Pass the bean dip please!" No need to discuss it further with her. You aren't going to change her mind, and she isn't going to change yours.

About the crib, I'd be firmer. I'd say 'I don't like it when you say it's "sad", that is critical of my parenting, which is really out of bounds and inappropriate." If she brings it up again, just use the shortcut term "Out of bounds!"

I have resorted to the old fingers-in-ears-while-saying "la la la not listening" to get this very point across to my own mom, who hates the way I feed my kids.

Point is, don't analyze it, don't worry about it, it is her problem. I think it is VERY typical for grandmothers vs. mothers to have these sorts of disagreements. Her job is to learn to hold it in a little, and your job is to not let it get to you.

[hellokitty]

Let it go in one ear and out the other. This is what I have to do with both sets of our parents. They do not respect us as grown adults, they ALWAYS think that they know better and that we should automatically take their advice, since they are older than us. So, there is no reasoning, not respecting of boundaries. I just go, "uh huh" and move on.

[niccig]

This is like my mother, she thinks she knows better than anyone else. My strategies are:
* ignore it
* "We're the parents and have made our decision."
* I don't tell her much, she can't criticise if she doesn't know what is going on.

I see you have 2 options. The only way she will shut up about the clothes and the crib, is if you give in and do what she wants. Or, you can be firm about your boundaries as the parent. The latter does mean uncomfortable conversations and she could get quite angry. Just stand your ground. My mother has backed off, so it does get better

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think it is more complicated than her wanting a little control and thinking she knows better than you. Very natural and normal. You just can't let it get to you.

If she wants to buy your daughter Justice stuff, OK. If she doesn't' like the gymbo stuff, too bad. That's all there is too it. If she criticizes you, just go with "Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Pass the bean dip please!" No need to discuss it further with her. You aren't going to change her mind, and she isn't going to change yours.

About the crib, I'd be firmer. I'd say 'I don't like it when you say it's "sad", that is critical of my parenting, which is really out of bounds and inappropriate." If she brings it up again, just use the shortcut term "Out of bounds!"

I have resorted to the old fingers-in-ears-while-saying "la la la not listening" to get this very point across to my own mom, who hates the way I feed my kids.

Point is, don't analyze it, don't worry about it, it is her problem. I think it is VERY typical for grandmothers vs. mothers to have these sorts of disagreements. Her job is to learn to hold it in a little, and your job is to not let it get to you.

I was going to write out a reply, but this pretty much sums up my opinion. Don't let it get to you. It's just the way some grandmas are.

[niccig]

I just go, "uh huh" and move on.

Didn't someone here say they say "There's an idea." You're not agreeing with it, you're not disagreeing, just acknowledging the idea, but still doing what you want to do.

[dogmom]

I think in general our generation tends to me more involved in our children's lives than previous generations. I think these two things could represent ways your mother sees as you keeping your kids young and under control for longer than she things is good. I'm not taking sides on this issue, but how I grew up is very different than how kids grow up now. I had a lot more independence when I was 9 than my son does. My mother's job with clothes was simply to wash them and make sure I wore something climate appropriate. So although you might see it as letting kids be kids and no making them grow up she might see as you taking away part of childhood for them. (picking out their own clothes, moving to the big girl bed) One thing I think we forget is our parents have raised children to adulthood, so they look at the range of 0-18, not 0 to now. Could you just ask her? Not in a confrontational way, but it a way that says, "Do you feel like I am missing something by doing these things way?" Whenever I am tempted to get mad at parents for their opinions I always try to imagine what it is going to feel like when my kids turn around and tell me they know everything about children after only a few years of parenting. "Well, did you turn out so bad?" sounds like more of a plea of acknowledgment of a work put in by am parents vs. criticism of my own mothering then.

[BabyBearsMom]

Sounds like my MIL. She constantly belittles our parenting decisions. I generally ignore it and when it gets out of hand, my DH will talk to her about it and say that she needs to understand that she is the grandmother and doesn't get to make the decisions anymore. It sucks.

And a 3.5 year in a crib isn't sad, it is a blessing! :rotflmao:

[maestramommy]

Maybe your mom wants the girls to hurry up and grow up so SHE doesn't look too old. Or maybe she's just what you said, her way is always right. But it doesn't really matter, we're just guessing. You could drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out. In the end, it's what YOU want to do that takes priority. When she makes comments about the crib being sad, just say, "I disagree." When she makes comments about your DD's clothes, say, "I disagree." I assume you probably have said something to this effect, or she wouldn't take it personally. But what else can you do? If she doesn't like the way you parent, it's NOT your problem.

[L'sMommy]

I'll echo what other posters have said - ignore it and don't let it get to you. Granted, this is much easier said than done!! MIL and I also disagree on clothes and she is always buying DS what she likes, which is not what I like on DS. Like you, I buy 90% of DS's clothes from Gymboree because like you said, it's easy and I know their sizing, etc. When MIL is coming over I dress DS in what MIL has gotten him and I am secretly happy when he gets stains all over the clothes (because she won't protest when he's smearing his food all over his clothes) and then I put them away because they are stained :D

As for DD2 being in a crib - consider yourself lucky!!! If she's happy in there I see no reason to transition her to a bed.

[anonomom]

Can you get away with just saying "thank you for your perspective" and then ignoring? If she keeps harping, you can say "I am starting to get annoyed now. I know how you feel, and I am not going to discuss this any more.".

I never could have said this to my own mom, btw. She'd have been terribly hurt and probably not spone to me for months if i ever had. But I can (and have) said it to my MIL, because she knows I love and trust her and sometimes I do listen to her advice.

[123LuckyMom]

My mother is always right, too, and I am very badly behaved when it comes to my mother, so I am giving you advice I can't follow myself! Having said that, if I were able to behave like an emotionally mature adult around my mother ;) I would ask her about her opinions. "Mom, I've noticed you don't seem to care for Gymboree clothes and prefer Justice. I'm curious as to why." If you disagree with her opinion, you could say, "Hmm. That's interesting. I love Gymboree because I know all the sizing, DD likes the clothes, and I find they wash and wear best." or whatever. I'd do the same with the crib thing. "I'm curious as to why you think it's sad that DD is in a crib." Maybe she'll tell you! Then you could say, "Hmm. I don't see it that way at all. I love that she sleeps well and feels secure. DD has never expressed to me that she'd prefer to be in a bed. I think she's very happy where she is and that sense of security enables her to be independent in ways I think matter much more."

Your mother may or may not be able to carry on such a conversation, but most people respond very well when they think their opinions are being heard, considered, and valued. That doesn't mean you have to actually consider or value them, of course! if you try this and she still insists on harping on these subjects, I'd tell her that you've explained your reasoning and feel comfortable with your decisions and that you'd prefer she not mention it again, because you're starting to feel (HA!) like she's criticizing your parenting. Again, your mother may or may not be able to handle such a comment. Mine would not.

If emotional maturity fails, I agree with all the other wise moms-- ignore her! It's none of her business. She had her chance to raise children. It's your turn now.

[crayonblue]

I don't think it is more complicated than her wanting a little control and thinking she knows better than you. Very natural and normal. You just can't let it get to you.

If she wants to buy your daughter Justice stuff, OK. If she doesn't' like the gymbo stuff, too bad. That's all there is too it. If she criticizes you, just go with "Everyone is entitled to an opinion. Pass the bean dip please!" No need to discuss it further with her. You aren't going to change her mind, and she isn't going to change yours.

About the crib, I'd be firmer. I'd say 'I don't like it when you say it's "sad", that is critical of my parenting, which is really out of bounds and inappropriate." If she brings it up again, just use the shortcut term "Out of bounds!"

I have resorted to the old fingers-in-ears-while-saying "la la la not listening" to get this very point across to my own mom, who hates the way I feed my kids.

Point is, don't analyze it, don't worry about it, it is her problem. I think it is VERY typical for grandmothers vs. mothers to have these sorts of disagreements. Her job is to learn to hold it in a little, and your job is to not let it get to you.

I agree with this. (Lately, I think I've just been agreeing with wellyes rather than writing my own replies because she sums stuff up so well!)

[chozen]

my mom hates that dd still naps in her crib and she just turned 4. she tells me its sad and also says you know she is old enough now to remember this when she gets older? i have had to protect her naps since she was 2 because my mom would often say that dd was old enough now and she could skip her naps sometimes. i have never caved to my mom's suggestions because i feel we her parents know whats best for her! my mom has really backed off in the last 6mo. or so, i guess she finally figured out that she can no longer control me or my parenting. i love my mom but man she can be stubborn. i think if you STICK TO WHAT YOU KNOW IS BEST FOR YOUR CHILDREN YOUR MOM WILL COME AROUND, if not, oh well it will be her loss.

[pinkmomagain]

My mother is always right, too, and I am very badly behaved when it comes to my mother, so I am giving you advice I can't follow myself! Having said that, if I were able to behave like an emotionally mature adult around my mother ;) I would ask her about her opinions. "Mom, I've noticed you don't seem to care for Gymboree clothes and prefer Justice. I'm curious as to why." If you disagree with her opinion, you could say, "Hmm. That's interesting. I love Gymboree because I know all the sizing, DD likes the clothes, and I find they wash and wear best." or whatever. I'd do the same with the crib thing. "I'm curious as to why you think it's sad that DD is in a crib." Maybe she'll tell you! Then you could say, "Hmm. I don't see it that way at all. I love that she sleeps well and feels secure. DD has never expressed to me that she'd prefer to be in a bed. I think she's very happy where she is and that sense of security enables her to be independent in ways I think matter much more."

Your mother may or may not be able to carry on such a conversation, but most people respond very well when they think their opinions are being heard, considered, and valued. That doesn't mean you have to actually consider or value them, of course! if you try this and she still insists on harping on these subjects, I'd tell her that you've explained your reasoning and feel comfortable with your decisions and that you'd prefer she not mention it again, because you're starting to feel (HA!) like she's criticizing your parenting. Again, your mother may or may not be able to handle such a comment. Mine would not.

If emotional maturity fails, I agree with all the other wise moms-- ignore her! It's none of her business. She had her chance to raise children. It's your turn now.

I just love this approach. Very well said.

[karstmama]

one of my grandmothers would *not* babysit her grandchildren. she'd say 'i raised mine', meaning she was done.

so 'you raised yours, this is my turn' might work. or 'vagina!'