thank you note to estranged Stepmom (long)

[123LuckyMom]

My stepmother and her daughter, my half sister, have never met DS. They withdrew from my life due to some perceived slight before his birth, and though I've reached out multiple times, they don't seem to be interested in renewing the relationship. It makes me sad, but I feel I've done what I can do, and the relationships are what they are. My stepmother has, however, sent a gift and check to DS every Christmas. The gifts have been wonderful, actually. Each year I've written a heart-felt thank you note. Here is last year's note:



Dear Ally,
I know this note is woefully overdue, but I kept hoping I'd be able to get you on the phone, and I never could. I'm not even sure the numbers I have are still accurate. I wanted to thank you for the wonderful gifts you sent at Christmas. I just deposited the generous check. Thank you! DS adores his hats and plays with them every day. How the Grinch Stole Christmas is still on our bedtime roster, he loves it so much! DS is better able now to play with the blocks you sent last year, and he's made some spectacular creations with them. He always remembers who gave him his toys, and he'll say something like, "Can we play with my present from Grandma Ally?" He knows who you are, and I would really love it if we could get together sometime so the two of you could know each other in person. I miss having you and Cathy in my life, and DS is such a joy, I know you would love him once you met him. In any case, it makes me happy to know you were thinking of us at Christmastime. I'll always remember how happy you made Christmas for me when I was young.
With thanks and love,
Me

I got no response, also no response to Mother's Day cards and Birthday cards expressing similar sentiments. This year, no gift came. Then yesterday, a box arrived. It had a strange assortment of stuff in it. There was a check. There were two young adult books from a series, but not the first two. There were a whole bunch of "educational" DVDs and computer CD's, which we don't use in our household, and they were for an odd range of ages. Then there were three books, two of which were suited to his age, which I gave to DS. This was very clearly not a thought-out gift. My stepmother works for a publishing company, and this box really looked like she had cleared off her desk or something. It was strange! I'm stymied about what to write in the thank you note. I'd like to tell her we're expecting a girl in March and thank her for the check. I'd also like to say something to dissuade future packages of cd's and dvd's, which I'll be giving away. I don't know, though. I'm at a bit of a loss. Would this work?



Dear Ally,
Thank you so much for the belated Christmas box! DS was very excited when he saw it, since he always believes boxes must be gifts for him! He loved the books, especially. He loves books, and we read a lot together. He doesn't watch a lot of tv, so he's not familiar with the characters in the DVD's and CD's, but I'm sure he'll enjoy them nonetheless. He still plays with the blocks and the hats you've sent in previous years. His construction hat and goggles are current favorites. He dons them every time he plays "construction", which is often! We also read the Grinch again just last night. It's one of his very favorite books. We're expecting a baby girl in March, and DS's very excited about becoming a big brother. You can always tell when he loves something because he asks if he can share it with "baby DD" when she arrives. Last night he asked if he could read the Grinch to baby DD. So far "reading" for DS is telling a paraphrase of the story while turning pages, but I'm sure he'll be reading soon enough. I hope you are well and happy and that your Christmas was joyful.
Thank you again,
Me

This is about as much warmth as I can muster right now. Is it okay? What do you think?

[jse107]

Lovely. You are a wonderful role model and very mature given the circumstances.

[janeybwild]

Perfect

[Giantbear]

I always tell my wife to act how she feels appropriate and let the other person worry about how they act. If it were me, i would write a similar thank you to your past thank yous and not mention that you don't want dvd's or cds. I think what you have here is perfect.

[kellij]

Those are very sweet thank you notes and I think it's bizarre she doesn't reach out to you after them. Sounds like she's missing out on a lot. I might take the "belated" out of the 2nd note. Not a big deal, but if she's overly-touchy (which it sounds like she is) she might see it as a criticism that she didn't get it to you earlier.

[pinkmomagain]

I would take out the belated and the line about the cds and dvds. Otherwise, it is very sweet. I cannot imagine someone not reaching out after reading your sweet notes...what a puzzling situation for you.

[jenfromnj]

I would take out the belated and the line about the cds and dvds. Otherwise, it is very sweet. I cannot imagine someone not reaching out after reading your sweet notes...what a puzzling situation for you.

:yeahthat: I think you're being very gracious, and I'm sorry you are in such a yucky situation.

[crayonblue]

I would take out the belated and the line about the cds and dvds. Otherwise, it is very sweet. I cannot imagine someone not reaching out after reading your sweet notes...what a puzzling situation for you.

This. Sounds perfect except that both the belated comment and the line about cds/dvds could definitely be negative. Since this is such a precarious relationship as is, I would just take what she gives and donate anything you don't wish to have in your house.

I think you are handling this beautifully. Sometimes relationships are so messy and you can only do what you can do.

[MamaMolly]

Lovely thank you notes. I'm sorry that she doesn't reach back to you. Kudos for trying.

[123LuckyMom]

You know, I didn't even think about the "belated" since her check said "belated Christmas gift" in the memo line, but you're right. I'll take it out. I'm struggling with taking out the cd/DVD line, because I don't really want to get any more, but I think you're right. It really is the thought that counts, and I'd only be making myself feel better, which is not really the point of the note. Dontcha sometimes just want to give a little dig, though? Do you think not mentioning the CDs/DVDs at all is better? They were, unfortunately, the majority of the gift.

Thanks for the support, too. I'll forever be puzzled by their behavior.

[JustMe]

I agree that you are doing an amazing job with a very hurtful, confusing situation. In terms of the cds/dvds, I would just say thank you for them without elaborating. I was always taught to say thank you for a gift (along with other positive things if you want) and nothing negative. If she sends more, I would just continue to donate them.

[wellyes]

I'm sorry, and I think it's very kind of you to think this through so much.

I'd leave out the line about the DVDs and would just give them to Goodwill.

[debbatx]

I'll delurk for a moment - first off, I think the notes are well-written, and you're doing a great job with tough circumstances.

I agree with other posters, though, about not mentioning the "no TV" thing, while at the same time thinking that you have to mention the CDs and DVDs, especially if they were the majority of the box.

What about something like, "DS was very intrigued by the CDs and DVDs and is excited to get to know some new characters," or something like that? You don't have to mention that he's intrigued, but will probably never use them, or that the "new characters" are characters from the books.

[123LuckyMom]

Thanks for all the advice! I'm going to take out the "belated" and the line about the CDs/DVDs. The note will then thank her for the whole box and mention that DS especially loves the books. I feel comfortable with that, and it's all true without being rude in any way (I hope)! Thanks again, you guys, for the help and support!

[sdoyle]

Thanks for all the advice! I'm going to take out the "belated" and the line about the CDs/DVDs. The note will then thank her for the whole box and mention that DS especially loves the books. I feel comfortable with that, and it's all true without being rude in any way (I hope)! Thanks again, you guys, for the help and support!

:yeahthat: This will make it perfect. You write very nice thank you notes. Can you come write some for me!:wink2:

Seriously, though, I think your notes are incredibly gracious considering the circumstance though I know a "dig" must be very tempting all things considered.

Stacy

[HannaAddict]

I'm sorry she hasn't reached out to you, just wanted to say hang in there. Is there anyone who can help broker a reconciliation? Kudos to you for remaining positive.