I am getting annoyed with a friend [Archive] - Baby Bargains & Baby 411 Community

Jo..

01-27-2012, 11:12 PM

She is my next door neighbor and my babysitter on the rare (once per month) occassions when we go out for two hours.

She just turned 29. She quit a government job as a social worker three years ago because it was too stressful, and moved back in with her parents. Fine, not my business.

EXCEPT....we are best friends with her parents (in their early 60s) and have coffee or dinner or a visit five times per week, and they keep complaining to us.

This girl goes out to dinner almost every night. Out for drinks 3-4 times per week. She is running through hundreds of dollars per week just on socializing. With no job.

I found her a job several months ago, and she was hired, but quit after a month or two because it conflicted with her swing-dancing.

Every time I go over to the house, the parents beg me to say something! This is NOT my place! I give them advice and tell them to cut her spending money off. If she wants to drink and dance she has to pay for it. Her parents keep telling me how she is spending their retirement, and I am sick for them.

They need to take a tough love course or something...any online recs?

To top it off, she is now going back to school two mornings per week for nutrition/dietetics. She plans to open her own practice as a personal nutritionist in a couple of years. Now, this is also all well and good, but she weighs over 300#. NOTHING wrong with that, and she has a very positive self-image and an active lifestyle.

But SERIOUSLY???? Would you pay for nutrition advice from a morbidly obese woman? She is barking up the wrong tree, and no one has the guts to crush her spirits and tell her. Especially me (and I won't).

I think this might belong in the bitching post.

maestramommy

01-27-2012, 11:20 PM

Wow. Tough situation. If the parents can't kick her out, not much anyone can do. They obviously don't want her there, or at least doing what she's doing. Do they love her too much? Afraid to hurt her feelings?

:hug:

♥ms.pacman♥

01-27-2012, 11:28 PM

wow! first off, yeah i'd be very annoyed and uncomfortable too. friends asking YOU to tell their own adult daughter to stop mooching off them...that is cowardly, in my opinion. i mean, is it that they don't want to be seen as the "mean" parents so they try to have someone else convince her that she's doing somethign wrong? not to mention it really puts you in an awkward position. I could sorta understand if the daughter was a teenager and her parents would think advice from a younger person would be more effective than listening to her own parents...but at almost 30, geez.

i have no recs for tough love courses, the only thing that comes to my mind is Dr. Phil (ha). i understand your frustration. within my & DH's extended family i know of far too many examples of somewhat adult children continuously draining money from their parents (and sometimes even siblings), living the high life (drinking, gambling, fancy dinners, etc) while not working at all, and trying to swindle their parents out of even more money (asking for $$ to start a business is a such a common excuse). All I can say is that it is very frustrating to watch.

DietCokeLover

01-27-2012, 11:32 PM

Here's a book recommendation for them.

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Boundaries-Your-Adult-Children/dp/0736921354

They need to cut the cord, for her own good too.

infomama

01-27-2012, 11:44 PM

Sounds like an episode of intervention. Co dependent for sure....they (not you) need to draw a line in the sand.

*myfoursons

01-28-2012, 12:02 AM

Sounds like an episode of intervention. Co dependent for sure....they (not you) need to draw a line in the sand.

A big :yeahthat:

I can't imagine why they're letting their daughter drink away their retirement money. I would definitely stay out of this, this doesn't seem like a situation that will end well.

lmwbasye

01-28-2012, 12:16 AM

Oh, wow. How awkward for you.

It sounds like her parents need to get the courage to cut the cord. It sounds like it would be the best thing for her in some ways.

niccig

01-28-2012, 12:19 AM

I would be annoyed with all of them.

1. the daughter for mooching of her parents
2. the parents for wanting YOU to parent their daughter.

They have to cut her off, I'd start with the spending money and make her pay rent. She needs to find a job and support herself.

buddyleebaby

01-28-2012, 12:28 AM

It's totally inappropriate for them to ask you to say something to her, no matter how big a douchebag she is. If she is annoying you, then distance yourself from her. But don't get involved in their issues or make their problems yours.

People treat you the way you let them. If they want it to stop, they have the power to make that happen. It's up to them to say "Enough is enough."

JustMe

01-28-2012, 12:36 AM

Wow, I agree you are in a difficult spot. I also agree that I would stay out of it and try to not discuss it much with either the 29 year old or the parents. I would tell the parents that you are sorry, but cannot help with this. Not sure if the 29 year old can actually be much of a friend to you, given what you describe, so I would wonder about how the whole friendship is going for you and what the value is there.

dogmom

01-28-2012, 01:11 AM

I would just be backing out of that situation as fast as I could! I wouldn't want to know what goes on in the house. I wouldn't want to know why the woman wants to remain a teenager dependent on her parents. I wouldn't want to know why the parents let it happend. La-La-La, fingers in my ears. Extract yourself ASAP, before you find out something you do not want to know.

Staraglimmer

01-28-2012, 05:46 AM

I think that all you can do is convince her parents that it is their responsibility to change this situation. They need to be honest with her about the money. Im 29. It sounds like she us acting 19. I'm sorry you have been put in this position.

-Stephanie
Mommy to Hailey Michelle 4/08
& a new addition due 7/1/12

m448

01-28-2012, 11:14 AM

The MOST I would so is giftwrap the Cloud & Townshend book "Boundaries" and only because they're your friends and you want them off your back. ;). Then bookmark the section in the first chapter where the docs talk about an identical example of a set of parents with an adult son mooching that sought their help. Then step back from the situation as others have suggested because I've found people with a willing shoulder to cry on will abuse it by spinning their wheels and venting constantly in order to avoid making a decision.

chlobo

01-28-2012, 02:28 PM

I don't have any advice but how unfair to you. You deserve better. Maybe you can offer one bit of advice and then say you can't talk about that subject anymore?

mommy111

01-28-2012, 06:39 PM

Where does she get the $$ to support the socializing. If its her $$, it's hers. If its theirs, they need to stop giving it to her. They're obviously enablers in this situation

wellyes

01-28-2012, 07:16 PM

My BIL has the same relationship with his mother .... moocher, no job, drinks a lot, spending her retirement. MIL has given him a "you must move you by the end of the month" deadline dozens of times, all to no avail. Now it's a running joke between them. It's a nasty situation.

He finds an excuse to say he needs a few more weeks & he will be RICH due to his brilliant business plans... I am betting her "schooling" is a similar thing, an excuse to not actually work, with built-in failure to continue the situation even further.

My advice:
- Don't touch that relationship with a 10 foot pole
- Stop letting her babysit. BIL is good with the kids and I don't distrust his intentions. But I honestly have zero reason to believe he is sober or drug-free at any moment of the day. He has 2 DUIs, which I just happened to learn on my own, MIL would never tell me. I am sure that is part of why he doesn't work (an excuse). Your sitter may have similar issues.

Sorry. She sucks.

Best you can do is continue the relationship with the parents and shun her. It's what she deserves.

Melaine

01-28-2012, 07:40 PM

I just don't have much sympathy for parents like this. I mean, it stinks that they are in that situation but they've totally put themselves smack right into it. My parents didn't give me money for "socializing" when I was a teenager, much less an adult! I'm really glad they had me get a job and learn to manage my money at a young age. I'm 29 right now and it disgusts me to someone behaving that way.

Uno-Mom

01-28-2012, 08:05 PM

mjs64

01-28-2012, 09:03 PM

Thinking through the situation and your role...

...seems like the only boundary YOU are in position to set is between yourself and the parents. None of the child-girl's behaviors are directed towards you, they're all hurting herself and her parents. The only people behaving badly towards you are the parents.

This, exactly. Even though you disagree with their daughter's choices, you said you didn't feel as though you were in a position to address them--and I agree with you there. The parents are the ones who are making this a sticky situation. That is, unless the daughter's lifestyle makes you dislike her as a person and makes a friendship difficult, but that's a separate issue.

So maybe there are 2 issues: boundaries with the parents, one, and your own compatibility with their daughter, two. If it's her you are annoyed with as the title of your post suggests, perhaps you should distance yourself a bit from her in addition to setting boundaries with her parents. Maybe not ask her to babysit? Sounds tough. Good luck!

Jo..

01-28-2012, 09:17 PM

Yes I blame them as much (or more than I blame her). I do feel badly for them though. She is their only child and their miracle. They conceived her in their late 30s after almost twenty years of marriage, thinking they could never have children.

I will refer them to the book posted above (it looks very good) and take a step back from the situation. I will tell them that I don't feel like I am being a good friend to their daughter, these "talks" aren't helping anything, and that they have to stop talking to me and start talking to her.

I think that THEY think that if I said something, it would help because I am closer to her age and we are friendly. But I just don't see it helping at all, and won't go there.

liamsmom

01-28-2012, 09:22 PM

I agree about not asking this girl, I mean 29-year-old woman to babysit any longer. If you really want to remain friends with her parents, be firm about not being involved with their family situation.

When my little sister was pulling a similar stunt with MY parents, I told my mom that sister's behavior was not something that I would be willing to tolerate with my own kid. And then I begged them to deal with it on their own and stop asking me to say something!

Jo..

01-28-2012, 09:29 PM

I am betting her "schooling" is a similar thing, an excuse to not actually work, with built-in failure to continue the situation even further.

I think you hit the nail on the head.

The problem about shunning her is that they are really like family to me. They are "Grandpa and Grandma" to my kids. We spend every holiday together, and tons of time every week. I love them dearly.

The daughter is smart, funny, very social, and great with the my kids. She PLAYS with them non-stop and is a fantastic babysitter, and I trust her with them.

She's just selfish and frivolous, which annoyed me anyway, but is REALLY bothering me now that the parents complain so much to me.

gatorsmom

01-28-2012, 09:44 PM

..... but is REALLY bothering me now that the parents complain so much to me.

Can you say something to the parents about this? Can you tell them, "I love you and I just love your daughter. I would really prefer not to hear these things because I want to continue to be her friend." ???

At one point when DH and I were a bit rocky, my mom told me straight out not to vent to her about DH. If all I told her about him were my complaints and vents, she's afraid she'd start to resent him and she didn't want that to happen.

Uno-Mom

01-28-2012, 10:19 PM

At one point when DH and I were a bit rocky, my mom told me straight out not to vent to her about DH. If all I told her about him were my complaints and vents, she's afraid she'd start to resent him and she didn't want that to happen.
Wow, wise woman.

megs4413

01-28-2012, 11:47 PM

Knowing the situation, I cannot for the life of me see an easy out to this. I think I would just try to keep encouraging your friend to grow and lend an ear to her parents when they're moaning about her. I'd probably say something to the effect of nothing you say to her is going to make a difference, but you understand where they're coming from. I honestly don't know that you can change their dysfunction and they mean too much to you to rock the boat trying to help. I'm sorry they've got you in the middle. :(

fortato

01-29-2012, 11:11 AM

You're such a good friend to all of them. I think they are asking way too much of you. You've already done so much for her. I doubt that, even if you talked to her, she would get the message.
It's hard to see people you love being taken advantage of, especially by their own family- those who provide for her unconditionally.... I just don't see her ever changing until it's all taken away from her and she has to take care of herself.

I'd be pissed if I found her a job that she was perfect for and she quit for Swing dancing. PISSED.

jacksmomtobe

01-29-2012, 12:33 PM

I think this family has put you in a difficult situation. They need to tell their daughter they will no longer support her social outings. They are enabling her to do what she is doing. Until that stops she is just going to keep doing what she is doing. The only thing I thought of when I read one of your posts was how you mention she is good with children. Maybe you could encourage her during your normal interactions with her to pursue a career with kids....something like hey you are so great with my kids have you ever considered doing something in a field related to kids. Of course she may not do anything about it but infuse some positives into the situation without getting involved. Seems like this might be a better field for her than nutrition.

Jo..

02-01-2012, 06:09 PM

Oh WOW. The s**** totally hit the fan today.

Normally I am fairly nice. One per month when I am PMSing, I have NO filter, and I turn into a nasty monster. The last couple of days have been good examples.

My friend/neighbor just posted on her facebook wall:

"Feeling so overwhelmed. I just have too much on my plate".

and *I* posted (feeling extremely bitchy):

Do you mean figuratively or literally?

Figuratively: Are you stressed from going to school two mornings per week, your part time pet-sitting gig, or your volunteer dance committee position?

Literally: do you have a gigantic plate of food that you are looking at that is stressing you out????

SHE FLIPPED. Called me a bitch and demanded an apology.

After thinking about it and shedding a few tears, I sent her this message and unfriended her.

" K***, I am just going to unfriend you. I feel badly about what I said and how it came out. You don't need that. Also, I have been feeling wildly conflicted and sad for months. I don't feel like I can be best friends with your parents and also a good friend to you. Something had to give, and in a bad moment, I was nasty. I am sorry. I think you are a wonderful, smart, funny, friendly person, and I wish you the best"

I am sad though, and I am crying. I lost a friend, and I hurt her feelings.

But I just could NOT do that any more. :(.

SkyrMommy

02-01-2012, 06:15 PM

:hug: Oh no! I hope that she will get a clue and someday see her responsibilities and come back into your life in a positive manner. Until then sometimes the hardest thing to do is just step away as you've done.

kellij

02-01-2012, 06:17 PM

Jo,

I'm sorry you feel bad right now, but I just want you to know that I really love you. :)

You are very honest and consistent about it and I think it's refreshing and great.

wellyes

02-01-2012, 06:23 PM

That was a very sweet unfriend message. Good for you.

I'm sorry, though, I know you really like that family. It hurts to lose friends. It is NOT all your fault, though. That kind of drama is hard enough to deal with when it's family and you have to.

Jo..

02-01-2012, 06:30 PM

Jo,

I'm sorry you feel bad right now, but I just want you to know that I really love you. :)

You are very honest and consistent about it and I think it's refreshing and great.

Thank you. :hug: I feel what I feel, and it spills out. I can't keep it in, and it is my biggest flaw, and my biggest gift.

I am still crying. I am going over there for coffee tomorrow at 8:40 AM and am dreading facing her. Also, DH *REALLY* doesn't like her, but he is going to be PISSED at me for alienating our only babysitter.

♥ms.pacman♥

02-01-2012, 06:45 PM

Jo,

I'm sorry you feel bad right now, but I just want you to know that I really love you. :)

You are very honest and consistent about it and I think it's refreshing and great.

:yeahthat: seriously, it is really refreshing..there's been so many times when i've seen this kind of thing happen (in my family, in DH's family) and people complain and complain but no one really says or does anything about it..they use this or that excuse...it's maddening to see it, to see people being taken advantage of..and it would be awesome if someone would just come out and tell it like it is (like you did), so at least they have an idea of what they're doing is wrong. and i agree with wellyes that it's hard enough to deal with this sort of drama when it's family and you can't avoid it. your unfriend message is great. i hope that she eventually, someday she wakes up and realizes what she's been doing all this time and thanks you later.

Jo..

02-01-2012, 08:09 PM

DH is LIVID. He is mad that we lost our babysitter, but also concerned that we have ALL of our stuff/furniture stored in the neighbor's (the parents) barn while our new house is being built.

I told him that the parents beg me daily to say something, and I just exploded.

He is still really, really mad at me. He said that he HATES K**** but keeps his mouth shut. He said I to keep mine shut too. He told me to call and apologize, and I did. To her voice mail. :(

Uno-Mom

02-01-2012, 08:16 PM

Sigh, sad way for it to all go down. I think you were honest and sweet about your mistake - everybody screws up royally at times.

The whole situation is just unfair - all the tension should be between her and her parents. They are in a situation of their making. Sad, but true. You and your husband should not have been drawn into the middle!

You were right to apologize for saying that on her wall - but don't you dare apologize for setting healthy boundaries! There are other babysitters in the world.

Ceepa

02-01-2012, 08:18 PM

Well you can't take back what you typed on her FB page. And you've apologized to her via e-mail and voicemail. Have you spoken to her parents? I wonder what their position is.

I think the apology needs to happen in person.

What a crappy situation, I can tell you feel sick about it all. :hug:

megs4413

02-01-2012, 08:18 PM

I'm sorry, Jo. What a mess! I hope she reaches out to you so you don't lose her over this. I think she really needs someone to be honest with her...it sucks that her parents aren't the ones doing it. You're brave for being honest!

ETA: You can always ship them off to my house for a weekend! Or come on down to visit! HUGS!

Jo..

02-01-2012, 08:49 PM

I just cannot get over what a bitch I was...I just lost MY DAMN MIND, and I feel like such a butt. I don't ever want to hurt people like that. I feel like it's bad karma.

sariana

02-01-2012, 09:00 PM

Oh, Jo, I'm so sorry you're stressing over this.

As a casual linguist (not my profession or anything) I thought your post was kind of funny. I don't weigh 300 lbs, though. Maybe I would feel differently if I did.

If your DH is so interested in maintaining a babysitter, perhaps HE should be her friend. His lack of support for your feelings is bothering me more than any of the exchanges between you and (ex?)friend.

People get angry and say (and in the modern world post) stupid things. A true friend will get over it and forgive you. If she can't, then maybe the friendship is not meant to be.

You said you apologized. That's all you can do. Stop beating yourself up over this. She is who she is; she has made her choices.

I hope you can continue to be friends with the parents. It would be a shame to lose that friendship, too.

In time, she may come around too. People don't like having their eyes opened about themselves, but eventually she'll realize that you were right. What she chooses to do at that point is out of your hands.

Cam&Clay

02-01-2012, 09:23 PM

If your DH is so interested in maintaining a babysitter, perhaps HE should be her friend. His lack of support for your feelings is bothering me more than any of the exchanges between you and (ex?)friend.

:yeahthat:

I'm most bothered not by what you said to your friend but by your DH's response. He's allowed to hate her and still use her for a sitter? YOU were being honest. I'd be angry right back at him!

I feel like both sides are pushing you to keep a very bad situation together and that's too much pressure. You exploded and I don't blame you. You're human and both sides' expectations are unrealistic.

Uno-Mom

02-01-2012, 09:25 PM

I just cannot get over what a bitch I was...I just lost MY DAMN MIND, and I feel like such a butt. I don't ever want to hurt people like that. I feel like it's bad karma.Oh boy, been there done that. I know exactly how it feels.

niccig

02-01-2012, 09:42 PM

wellyes

02-01-2012, 09:42 PM

I just cannot get over what a bitch I was...I just lost MY DAMN MIND, and I feel like such a butt. I don't ever want to hurt people like that. I feel like it's bad karma.
On the other hand, you got her a job, she quit it because the schedule conflicted with her swing dancing, then asked for your sympathy for having too much on her plate. It's not like you're a random observer passing judgement here. It was wrong of you, of course, but she's been making a pretty good case for a bitchslap.

♥ms.pacman♥

02-01-2012, 09:50 PM

:yeahthat:

I'm most bothered not by what you said to your friend but by your DH's response. He's allowed to hate her and still use her for a sitter? YOU were being honest. I'd be angry right back at him!

I feel like both sides are pushing you to keep a very bad situation together and that's too much pressure. You exploded and I don't blame you. You're human and both sides' expectations are unrealistic.

:yeahthat:

i have to agree. i think it's really unfair for your DH to expect you to be nice to someone that even HE hates, just because she's your babysitter. i mean, he's not the one dealing with her and the parents' complaints, etc everyday. it's really unfair to put all that burden on you. i'd cut yourself some slack.

JustMe

02-02-2012, 12:41 AM

Sorry for all the stress this is causing you. I would feel bad too, but think it is understandable you got triggered by what she posted. I don't think you need to feel bad for hurting her feelings. If the shoe fits, wear it. If not, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much (to her in regards to your FB comments).

Uno-Mom

02-02-2012, 02:30 AM

I hope you're feeling better, Jo!

kijip

02-02-2012, 08:49 AM

I hope it blows over ok. Especially with your best friends, her parents.

Don't beat yourself up over it. While it did not come out how or when you wanted it to, it was bound to come up sometime or the other.

Jo..

02-02-2012, 01:21 PM

I know the feeling.

Can you say something along the lines of "I'm really stressed with moving, demolishing the house and rebuilding, the $%^ guy ripping me off with stealing thermostat etc, that it's difficult to be supportive with someone when their life seems much easier by comparison. I'm not the person you can vent to at the moment. I shouldn't have posted what I said the way I said it, and I apologise for that" - You are truly sorry for what you said.

I know, backhanded way of getting your point across, but might soften the blow of what you said.

I said exactly that. I have apologized three times now, and she sent me an email back that she loves me like a sister, and we'll work through it.

I went to have coffee with her parents today, and they were completely supportive. They didn't like seeing their daughter upset (who would?), but they congratulated me on speaking my mind, and they had a long talk with her re their expectations and finances. She was upset and venting about what I said, and they told her that I was right to speak my mind! It led to a bit of a fight in their household, where she stormed out this AM and accused them of being on my side, and the DH yelled a profanity at her (he NEVER swears).

MY DH just wants to keep the peace and not rock the boat. He really is an awesome guy, but I have a history of getting into fights with people on the internet, and he is just sick of it. :P

He told me that I just need to be nice and STOP fighting with people!

anamika

02-02-2012, 02:08 PM

.... but I have a history of getting into fights with people on the internet, and he is just sick of it. :P

I completely agree. I am sick of all the fights you start on this board too! :hysterical:

Well more like the coupon wars. Seriously, we all love you, Jo!

Like another PP said, this situation was a ticking time bomb. Glad she was mature enough to accept the apology. Maybe it will work out for the best and this was just the push her parents needed also.

niccig

02-02-2012, 02:10 PM

Like another PP said, this situation was a ticking time bomb. Glad she was mature enough to accept the apology. Maybe it will work out for the best and this was just the push her parents needed also.

:yeahthat: If it gave her parents the push to say something, it could all turn out for the good.

May want to lay low for a bit from here though. She could strike out at you, rather than her parents.

Jo..

02-02-2012, 02:29 PM

:yeahthat: If it gave her parents the push to say something, it could all turn out for the good.

May want to lay low for a bit from here though. She could strike out at you, rather than her parents.

Yup. I am going to give her a week or two to cool off, and send her cookies.

niccig

02-02-2012, 02:33 PM

Yup. I am going to give her a week or two to cool off, and send her cookies.

Good idea. I'm sure her parents said some things she doesn't want to hear. But she needs to hear them. She's taking advantage of them. It's time for her to put on her big girl panties and live her life without relying on her parents for $$.

She could still live there while she gets things worked out, but I think she should a) be contributing something to household expenses (even a nominal amount is better than nothing) and b) use her own money for spending money.

You said she's great with kids, so if she's looking for ideas for work, maybe nudge her along those lines.

meggswife

02-02-2012, 02:42 PM

I just read through this thread. :hug: You're a good friend Jo. I will say, in my experience, people who get upset like your friend did are usually feeling guilty. If she is reasonably intelligent, she has to know that she is taking advantage of her parents and not pulling her own weight (no pun intended). No one likes to get called on their *stuff*. I think you will all look back one day and be glad that you lost your mind for a moment. :)

Jo..

02-02-2012, 02:43 PM

She's great with MY kids. She claims not to like kids in general (AT ALL) but is wonderful with mine, because we are "family".

She likes animals and does a lot of pet-sitting. She is an animal activist and a vegetarian. I see her doing something with that!

niccig

02-02-2012, 03:22 PM