Any tips on dealing with a toddler and a newborn? Long...

[Kaylee31]

I'm getting a little nervous about the eminent arrival of DD (currently 37 wks, and 1 day). I have been working FT; DS is 2.5 and has been going to an in-home daycare FT for the past year and a half. I was just diagnosed with pre-eclampsia last week, so it's pretty much a guarantee I won't make it to my due date-- but a definite date for c/s hasn't been planned yet.
On top of that, this is DS' last week of daycare-- the provider has decided to retire from running it after 10 years. I am not upset, but the timing stinks!
I was (somewhat selfishly) looking forward to having the reprieve of sending him there at least 3 times a week, so he could get out of the house and play with other kids, and I would only have to worry about the baby during the day (and hopefully get some sleep!). We live in the northeast and the weather stinks, I think he will be bored being cooped up all day with no social interaction. But I don't want to find another daycare at this point; I would feel guilty b/c I plan on staying home for at least 6 months, so it's not like I can't watch my own child all day, kwim? And I think it would be too much to expect him to adjust to a new dc, plus a new sibling all at once.
My mom is going to take a week off when I have the baby, so that will be nice. And I'm sure DH try to be helpful after work & on the weekends, but to be honest he is kind of useless when it comes to anything but playtime. Although that is partially my fault for wanting to do everything myself with DS (feeding, bathing, diaper changing, etc.)
When DS was born, the first several weeks were rough until I got used to sleeping only 2-3 hours at a time whenever he did. I remember being super emotional & exhausted. And entertaining an energetic toddler on top of that, who is used to being the center of attention does not thrill me. Am I being a wuss? How do you handle it all?

[BabbyO]

You are NOT being a wuss. It is tough. I had a somewhat similar situation. I expected DS1 to be in daycare full time for about 3-4 weeks and then 2-3 days a week during my maternity leave. This didn't really happen because our sitter had to have foot surgery and couldn't watch him. FWIW, my DS' are 2.5 yo and 4 mo so similar ages.

First - I highly recommend giving DH more of the responsibility. It will be tough for you to let go of it...accept he will do things differently. Its not wrong...it IS ok (this was tough for me, too).

Second, say, "I will miss this someday." REPEAT every time you are frustrated until you are calmer.

If you are in the position to get a mother's helper for a few hours a day, especially in the first few weeks, I highly recommend it. DS1 may be more demanding of your time because of the transition he is going through. I know my DS1 was and it was tough to get the time I needed to heal myself and take care of DS2. Realistically, it took DS1 almost 10 of my 12 week leave to adjust and stop being so demanding. The last 2 weeks were some of the most fun I've had with DS1.

I found a local children's museum/play gallery. We had a 15 pass punch card and I went there at least 1/week during my leave. It gave DS1 a place to expend his energy, get out of the house, and I didn't have to clean up the mess. It also allowed me a place to sit with DS2 and easily watch DS1.

The place we go to is set up so that I could sit in one central location and see DS1 almost anywhere he went. They also had a lunch room so we didn't have to spend a ton of $$ on food...we just brought our own. I also found that on days we went, DS1 would nap...whereas other days he usually wouldn't.

Two kids is a totally different world and IMO a more difficult transition (from 1 to 2) than from 0 to 1 kids. BUT...it is worth it! I can't imagine not having DS2 now and while some days are tough, I look at how much DS1 adores DS2 and how DS2's face totally LIGHTS up the second he sees his big brother...I can't imagine having them further apart. I know they are going to be great friends...and that is pretty cool.

Best of luck...you CAN do it, mama!

[maestramommy]

When my DD2 was born, DD1 was 20 months. I won't lie, it was pretty rough, even though DD2 was a pretty mellow baby.

1) Give your Dh more responsibility with your DS. Let him take over as much of the care stuff as possible when he's home. If he screws it up, he'll learn from his mistakes.

2) Reserve your time with DS for playtime when Dh is home, and give DD to Dh. Your DS is old enough to remember now, so try to keep him happy by preserving more interactive times with him.

3) When your mom comes to help, same thing. Unless you are feeding your baby or napping yourself, let her take care of the baby, you spend time with DS.

It's actually not a terrible thing for you to look for another daycare for your DS. He's going to have to go once you go back to work anyway, right? And by now he's probably used to the routine of being out somewhere during the day. I'd keep that going. Otherwise, in 6 months he will have to readjust to going daycare after being with you all day. I don't have experience, but just looking at it superficially it would seem to be a hard transition, because he will be 3 by then. For whatever reasons 3 was a tough year for my kids to be left. It's like they went through Separation Anxiety all over again!

[arivecchi]

I would hire a full or part time sitter. I almost lost it on weekends with DH there so I would have definitely needed help.

[BabyBearsMom]

It's actually not a terrible thing for you to look for another daycare for your DS. He's going to have to go once you go back to work anyway, right? And by now he's probably used to the routine of being out somewhere during the day. I'd keep that going. Otherwise, in 6 months he will have to readjust to going daycare after being with you all day. I don't have experience, but just looking at it superficially it would seem to be a hard transition, because he will be 3 by then. For whatever reasons 3 was a tough year for my kids to be left. It's like they went through Separation Anxiety all over again!

I think this is a really good point. I don't have two kids yet but DD1 will be 2 when DD2 is born this spring. We are definitely keeping DD1 in daycare full time while I am on maternity leave. That is part of her routine and I want to preserve as much of her routine as I realistically can when DD2 comes along.

[legaleagle]

I'll second looking for another daycare sooner rather than later if you will be going back to work. Any possibility of hiring a high school student for a few hours in the afternoon? We did this quite a bit when DS2 was tiny - DS1 loved having a pretty older girl at his beck & call, and she did things like take him to the park, play silly games, run around, etc.

[anonomom]

You're not a wuss.

The best tip I got when going from one child to two was that the baby will not remember being put down sometimes, so if you need to let the baby cry to deal with your older child, so be it.

I echo all of the other comments saying to let your DH take on more responsibility. Not only will this give you a break, but it will also give your DH a great chance to bond with his kids. We marvel now at how much closer DH got to DD1 after DD2 was born.

If you don't already have one, invest in a good baby carrier (a sling or an ergo). That will allow you to care for the baby while following the older one around. DD2 must have spent half of her first few months in a sling while we tried to keep DD1 as close as possible to her schedule.

Good luck! The first few months will be hard, but there is nothing like watching siblings play together. You'll get through it and it will be more than worth it.

[Kaylee31]

Thank you all for the advice! I think I will look into getting some PT help, or see if any of the daycares & preschools nearby have PT openings (and try not to feel guilty about it!). It will probably be beneficial for both of us. That is a good point that it may be harder in the long run for DS to adjust to going to dc again. I do need to let DH take on more responsibility. He is a loving dad, but since he never even met his father or had a good male role model in his life, I think he is a little lost on what should be expected of him? And I rarely, if ever, ask for his help.

[BabbyO]

It's actually not a terrible thing for you to look for another daycare for your DS. He's going to have to go once you go back to work anyway, right? And by now he's probably used to the routine of being out somewhere during the day. I'd keep that going. Otherwise, in 6 months he will have to readjust to going daycare after being with you all day. I don't have experience, but just looking at it superficially it would seem to be a hard transition, because he will be 3 by then. For whatever reasons 3 was a tough year for my kids to be left. It's like they went through Separation Anxiety all over again!

:yeahthat:

This is SO true. We tried to keep DS1 going to the sitter at least part-time while I was home as much as possible. We couldn't afford other options but DS1 certainly had to transition again after I went to work.

I'll also second all the PP's who said it is OK to put the baby down! It IS and be sure to spend time with DS...he will remember it.

[elephantmeg]

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY! Find a daycare/mother's helper something. I had to transition DS from one daycare to another DURING mat leave but he was still able to go to the old one for the first couple weeks FT and PT for the next oouple weeks and then was home for the last 8 or so. OHY. I would spend whatever time you have left before DC2 arrives figuring out daycare for him/them...

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i agree with PP. do not feel guilty. my DD came too early and we maxed out our family help by the time she came home. LUckily had a sitter come two mornings a week to watch DS so i could rest with DD (nurse her and let her sleep on my chest in a rocker..that's how i rested).

i think the biggest advice from going to 1 to 2 kids : LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. you will drive yourself crazy by trying to do everything and answer all the demands of both kids. THe fact of the matter is, with just one person (you) and 2 kids, one will have to wait. that's just how it is. Sounds simple but It took me a long time to realize this!!