Etiquette question about money, friend and house fire

[american_mama]

About 1.5 weeks ago, a neighbor and friend had a house fire. When I went to see what was going on with all the fire trucks, they were standing outside on a cold night wearing nothing but pajamas and socks, arguing with a hotel on a borrowed cell phone about why they had no credit card to reserve a room. I and others rushed back home to give them things like coats, shoes, etc. and I gave them a $100 gift card that was in my wallet, just so they had some money right away. My friend was reluctant to take it, but I urged her to. I believe I said something about her getting it back to me, but I don't really remember and I'm sure she doesn't in her state of shock that night.

A week later when I saw her, she said she was going to give it back to me, which I kind of expected once the initial emergency was over. She seemed to be coping superbly and getting great help from all around. They will be staying in a hotel or house rental for the next 3 months, covered by insurance. I don't think they used the gift card at all: they stayed with a neighbor that first night, Red Cross covered their initial replacement clothing expenses and insurance is being very helpful with everything else.

So, maybe you can guess where this is heading. I want to use the gift card for a gym membership that has a BOGO sale going on until 2/12. Do I say anything to my friend about returning the gift card, or just wait and hope that she returns it on her own before the BOGO expires?

DH says say nothing, which is what I lean towards. But I care a lot about this gift card, maybe more than I should. I hope it doesn't get lost in all the many details she now has on her plate.

[carolinamama]

$100 is alot of money so I completely understand why it is important to you. My first thought was to just let them have the gift card. In fact, I'm pretty sure that is what I would end up doing and hoping that they could use it for something they need throughout this awful experience.

I figure that things like this will all come back to you in the end - sometime you will need something or some extra help and someone will also pay it forward to you.

[crl]

I would just let it go. Insurance never really covers everything, their entire lives are in such upheaval, I'd figure they need the money more than I do and would mentally write it off as a gift.

Catherine

[crayonblue]

Your friend is dealing with a major catastrophe. If you want to stay friends, please call her up and tell her that you know she is going through a lot and to please consider that $100 a gift from you and to not worry one second about remembering to get it back to you. That will mean a lot to her.

Regardless if insurance is paying for every single thing, just the inconvenience alone is a huge ordeal.

If you cannot afford to give her the $100, then I suppose you can call her up and ask for it back and make it as easy on her as possible by offering to show up at her door (wherever she is staying).

I don't mean this harshly....I just remember how much it meant to me in the past few years when people were willing to give of themselves.

[wellyes]

Years ago, I was going to the drive-thru, asked if anyone wanted anything, a friend gave me $20 and her order. I got into a car accident on the way and was seriously injured. That friend called me in the hospital to ask me to send her the $20 back. I thought that was the most crass thing I'd ever heard. I was on too much pain medication to think straight and realized I'd lose my job and need a new car. I'd forgotten the $20 for the moment, and she lacked the grace to let that NOT be a first priority for me.



It's been less than 2 weeks. They're still in crisis mode. I'd let it go. You did a good deed, and as a result may lose out on the BOGO deal as a result. If it wasn't a sacrifice it wouldn't be a good deed. It'd just be a short-term loan.

[mackmama]

That was so nice of you to lend them the gift card. I agree with PP that I'd probably just let it go and not expect it (or the money) to be returned. It sounds like they have a lot on their plate, and I agree in the pay-it-forward mentality a PP mentioned.

[crayonblue]

Years ago, I was going to the drive-thru, asked if anyone wanted anything, a friend gave me $20 and her order. I got into a car accident on the way and was seriously injured. That friend called me in the hospital to ask me to send her the $20 back. I thought that was the most crass thing I'd ever heard. I was on too much pain medication to think straight and realized I'd lose my job and need a new car.



It's been less than 2 weeks. They're still in crisis mode. I'd let it go. You did a good deed, and as a result may lose out on the BOGO deal as a result. If it wasn't a sacrifice it wouldn't be a good deed. It'd just be a short-term loan.

That is HORRIBLE!!!!!

[MMMommy]

$100 is a lot of money. But the devastation of losing your home and all your possessions in a house fire is immeasurable. I would let it go and consider it a generous and kind gesture to a neighbor that went through a horrific experience. If your neighbor brings it up and remembers to pay you back at some point, then I would accept the money back. But I wouldn't bring up the matter or ask for the money back.

[YouAreTheFocus]

I agree that you should think of it as a gift and try to let it go. You were very generous to your friend in her time of need, try to seek comfort in that. I'm sure your friend is still struggling with many aspects of this disaster, and is appreciative of your assistance. Even with insurance, it is a huge struggle to recover after a fire and everything helps.

[ha98ed14]

When you handed it over, I think you needed to look at it as a gift. At this point if you ask for it back, I think t would be really, really tacky. If you are ever in a situation like that again, maybe hold back on giving money/cash/gc if you think you need it back.

[kijip]

I think you need to treat it as a gift.

[megs4413]

I'm honestly a little flabbergasted that you handed it over to her expecting to get it back. so it was like a loan? like here's a hundred dollars to use right now and then restock the card and give it back when you're ready? I'm just not understanding how that conversation even went....

do not ask for it back if you want to stay friends with this woman. let it go.

[Binkandabee]

I agree, just let it go. She's going through something awful and actually probably DOES need the gift card and she's just not letting you know the whole truth. I don't believe for one minute that things are perfectly peachy two weeks after a house fire. If she returns it, fine, but if not, certainly don't go asking for it back. That would be awful.

[justlearning]

I would definitely not ask for the money back. If it's really bothering you, then perhaps consider it a charitable gift and reduce your donation to the Red Cross or wherever else you donate by $100 to make it even out in your mind if you need to.

I gave my friend $150 to help out her family when she was diagnosed with cancer. Did insurance end up paying everything for her? Yes. (She happened to have great insurance.) Is she completely fine now? Yes. Would I ever for a moment think that she should return the gift or want her to do so? Never.

[twowhat?]

I would definitely let it go. Consider it a gift. One day she will return the favor.

[TwinFoxes]

Years ago, I was going to the drive-thru, asked if anyone wanted anything, a friend gave me $20 and her order. I got into a car accident on the way and was seriously injured. That friend called me in the hospital to ask me to send her the $20 back. I thought that was the most crass thing I'd ever heard. I was on too much pain medication to think straight and realized I'd lose my job and need a new car. I'd forgotten the $20 for the moment, and she lacked the grace to let that NOT be a first priority for me.



"Crass" was the perfect word here.

OP, I don't think your situation is even close to Wellyes's (because that takes the cake), but I think you should let it go as well.

[eagle]

let it go.

[AngB]

I'm honestly a little flabbergasted that you handed it over to her expecting to get it back. so it was like a loan? like here's a hundred dollars to use right now and then restock the card and give it back when you're ready? I'm just not understanding how that conversation even went....

do not ask for it back if you want to stay friends with this woman. let it go.

:yeahthat:

[Uno-Mom]

I'm honestly a little flabbergasted that you handed it over to her expecting to get it back. so it was like a loan? like here's a hundred dollars to use right now and then restock the card and give it back when you're ready? I'm just not understanding how that conversation even went....
I can get it, actually. Right in a crisis you give whatever and then as the dust settles, things get sorted out. A non-exact parallel might be giving that friend all my kid's outgrown clothes and baby equipment to use while they get back on their feet. MUCH later, when things are steady for them, I'd check in to say which items were sentimental and we'd like back vs which items were gifts. Not an exact parallel of course, but kind of similar.

It's pretty clear in the OP that you're willing to let it go but the issue was clouded by her saying she WAS going to return it because she didn't need it. I don't blame you at all for wondering. I think you're right, though, you really can't bring the subject up right now.

[jgenie]

Years ago just after we were married we met another couple through friends of ours. A few months after we met they had a house fire. She was pregnant with their first child and they were in temporary housing for a while. We had just consolidated our two homes and brought most everything with us so we had home goods to spare. I asked them to let us know if they needed anything and also told them we had tons of home stuff if they wanted it. They've moved away and we've lost touch but to this day, almost 10 years later, it still pains me that it didn't occur to me to write them a check to help out. I know $100 is a lot of money and maybe she'll eventually offer to pay it back but I wouldn't ask for it.

[babyonway]

Let it go. You paid it forward!

[Seitvonzu]

i think you are confused, because she mentioned it. i think you should follow your first impulse (and your husbands) to just let it go. it will come back to you somehow, but even if it doesn't, let it go. you did the right thing offering the card!

[pinkmomagain]

oops sorry, wrong spot!

[infomama]

I would let it go. Although it's a lot of money I would never expect someone to repay me in this instance.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

i'd let it go. her house burned down. even if she has help from other friends, and insurance paid for a lot of it, that's got to be a major upheaval in their lives, and she's probably in crisis mode for several weeks. Honestly, even if i intended to give the GC back (and i had just forgotten or whatever) I'd be pretty hurt if during all that a friend called up and asked for it back.

[peanut520]

Years ago, I was going to the drive-thru, asked if anyone wanted anything, a friend gave me $20 and her order. I got into a car accident on the way and was seriously injured. That friend called me in the hospital to ask me to send her the $20 back. I thought that was the most crass thing I'd ever heard. I was on too much pain medication to think straight and realized I'd lose my job and need a new car. I'd forgotten the $20 for the moment, and she lacked the grace to let that NOT be a first priority for me.



It's been less than 2 weeks. They're still in crisis mode. I'd let it go. You did a good deed, and as a result may lose out on the BOGO deal as a result. If it wasn't a sacrifice it wouldn't be a good deed. It'd just be a short-term loan.

seriously, WTF!

OP- i agree with other to consider it a gift. i never loan money out to friends i want to keep. loaning money to friends usually ends up one of two way: you get your friendship or money back not both.

[essnce629]

I'd let it go as well and consider it a gift.

[mjs64]

I would let it go too. Our house burned down when I was 17. My sisters were 15 and 12. My parents had help and good insurance but a week and a half later we were still in crisis mode, still in shock. No matter how good insurance is, a house fire is hugely disruptive. I cannot overstate it. I don't think my mother is over it now, 15 years later. It took a year to get our lives back in order.

I bet your friend means to and will pay you back, but I wouldn't count on it being in the very near future. That's why she said something to you: she has great intentions but is dealing with too much, even though she seems to be (and probably is) handling it well.

It was very kind of you to give it to her. Maybe your best chance of getting it back it through offering more help? When people brought over food for us as we were moving into the rental, it was much appreciated.