Party etiquetted - WWYD? Damned if do or don't!

[magnoliaparadise]

And yet another birthday party etiquette question on the BBB! It's about party favors for those who don't come to the party (some of whom later give presents). What would you do?

My DD1 had a 4 year old birthday party for her preschool friends. Of the kids who did not go, I'm not sure whether to give party favors for or not.

It is a damned if you do and damed if you don't - if I GIVE party favors to those who did not give presents, it might look like I'm giving a hint for them to give a present. If I DON"T GIVE the party favor, especially for those kids who did not come, but gave presents, it seems rude. And the kids are in the same class and it's odd to give to some and not the others... the party favor is a very large sticker book (M&D) so I can't discreetly put it in a small bag for some kids and hope other kids don't notice.

They are in three categories - would you give party favors to these kids?

Kids in Category "A"
- They said that they were coming to the party, but then got sick and didn't come. They did not give DD1 a present.
- I would like to give them a party favor, but don't want to make them feel that it's a hint to give DD1 a gift.

Kids in Category "B"
- They said that they would not be able to come to the party. Later, they gave DD1 a present anyway.
I thought these families were so generous. I assume that I should give them a party favor, right?!

Kids in Category "C"
- They said that they would not be able to come to the party. They did not give DD1 a present.
- I'd normally not give these kids party favors, but if I give the kids in the other categories party favors, I'd like to give to this group, too. BUT, I don't want to make them feel that it's a hint to give DD1 a gift.

Ugh, fine balance between not wanting to be rude, but also not wanting to look like i"m hinting for a present. What would you do...?

TIA!

[ha98ed14]

Regardless of whatever category DD fell in, I would not interpret getting a favor several days after the party to be a hint to give a gift. I would assume the bday child's mom was generous and wanted to include everyone.

What I would NOT do is give the sticker book to only the children that gave gifts. That looks tacky IMO. I would just give them to everyone with a note or verbal expression that even though they weren't able to attend the party, you wanted to include everyone in the class. And then just leave it at that.

ETA: I am assuming that you are handing out these sticker books at school, which is a big part of why I said to give one to everyone even if they could not come to the party.

[JustMe]

I vote for no party favors for the kids who did not come. Makes it simple and clear. I can see why you might want to give presents to the kids in some of the categories, but really I would not think that was expected. I think of party favors as a thank you for coming to the party/departure gift...not so much you gave me something, so I give you something, etc.

[Green_Tea]

I only give party favors to the kids who show up at the actual party. I would never expect a favor from a party my kid didn't attend even if we gave them a gift anyway. Actually, I don't expect a party favor, period :).

[BDKmom]

I vote for no party favors for the kids who did not come. Makes it simple and clear. I can see why you might want to give presents to the kids in some of the categories, but really I would not think that was expected. I think of party favors as a thank you for coming to the party/departure gift...not so much you gave me something, so I give you something, etc.

:yeahthat: Party favors only to those who were at the party. Thank you notes for those who did not attend but gave a present.

[egoldber]

I only give party favors to the kids who show up at the actual party. I would never expect a favor from a party my kid didn't attend even if we gave them a gift anyway.

:yeahthat:

[hillview]

I vote for no party favors for the kids who did not come. Makes it simple and clear. I can see why you might want to give presents to the kids in some of the categories, but really I would not think that was expected. I think of party favors as a thank you for coming to the party/departure gift...not so much you gave me something, so I give you something, etc.


I only give party favors to the kids who show up at the actual party. I would never expect a favor from a party my kid didn't attend even if we gave them a gift anyway. Actually, I don't expect a party favor, period :).
:yeahthat:

[wellyes]

A favor is a thank-you for coming to the party. Keep it simple. If they came to the party, they get one. If not, no favor.

[wimama]

I vote for no party favors for the kids who did not come. Makes it simple and clear. I can see why you might want to give presents to the kids in some of the categories, but really I would not think that was expected. I think of party favors as a thank you for coming to the party/departure gift...not so much you gave me something, so I give you something, etc.

:yeahthat: I would never give favors to kids that didn't come to the party and I would give the same favors to every kid that came to the party .

[elbenn]

I think it's fine if you give party favors to all of the class. I don't think it is asking for a gift--I would just assume you had extras and wanted to distribute them.

It is also totally fine to not give them to anyone that didn't attend the party. The people who couldn't attend the party wouldn't expect party favors since they weren't there, but they still wanted to give a gift--possibly because you had given them a gift at a party or maybe they are just generous.

[ett]

A favor is a thank-you for coming to the party. Keep it simple. If they came to the party, they get one. If not, no favor.

:yeahthat:

[magnoliaparadise]

Thanks for your advice, everyone. This is really helpful. I won't give any of the kids who didn't attend party favors.

[mom2binsd]

I agree with others and I would also refrain from using the preschool/school to hand out anything...I know some schools have a rule against it, and it's just easier to keep personal/social things out of the classroom.

I agree, you don't come,no favor. I'm sure you can use the extra favors for gifts add ons in the future.

[boogiemomz]

:yeahthat: Party favors only to those who were at the party. Thank you notes for those who did not attend but gave a present.

:yeahthat:

[ABO Mama]

Party favors are given at the party, only.

[Octobermommy]

:yeahthat: Party favors only to those who were at the party. Thank you notes for those who did not attend but gave a present.


:yeahthat:

[justlearning]

I recently had this happen with DS, when one child got sick and couldn't come to the party (after RSVPing yes) but then gave a gift a few weeks later. I had DS write a thank-you note and then had the teacher stick the note along with the party favor bag (a nice Lego set) in the child's backpack. I didn't give any party favors to those in Group C and I didn't have any in Group A.

ETA that I just now skimmed the responses above. Sounds like I shouldn't have done what I did but this is what I did last year too when a child fell into group B. I guess I feel like the child already was really bummed about missing the party due to getting sick, so giving the favor afterwards is a small way to let them still share in the party fun (especially when they're generous enough to still give DS a gift).

[MMMommy]

I vote for no party favors for the kids who did not come. Makes it simple and clear. I can see why you might want to give presents to the kids in some of the categories, but really I would not think that was expected. I think of party favors as a thank you for coming to the party/departure gift...not so much you gave me something, so I give you something, etc.

:yeahthat:

If the kid didn't come to the party, I don't give them a favor. I see it as a "thank you" for coming to the party.

[squimp]

Just one more point - the favor is a thank you for coming to the party, not in response to a gift. A thank you note is given in response to a gift.

[justlearning]

Just one more point - the favor is a thank you for coming to the party, not in response to a gift. A thank you note is given in response to a gift.

I understand what you're saying but I guess I see the party favor more as a thank-you to someone for planning on coming to the party and taking the time to prepare for the party (e.g., by buying a gift). So I'm not sure why the child who picks out a birthday gift but then wakes up with a fever the morning of the party shouldn't be thanked with a party favor. It just seems to me like I'd be returning their gift (the favor) instead of giving it to the child due to his/her absence at the party whereas they would be choosing to give their gift (the present) after the fact instead of returning it even though they missed the party.

But obviously my opinion is in the minority so perhaps I wouldn't give any favors after the party from now on...

[ncat]

Just Learning - I agree with you. I would want to give a favor to a child who RSVP'd to a party and got ill at the last minute. I would have no use for the extra favor and would not want the child to miss all of the fun.

I think the difficulty is handing out the favors at preschool. I think in that case, it would be important to give out favors to everyone who was not able to come (or no one who didn't come.)