Update in 7: When your friend wants to babysit...

[mjs64]

A very close friend of mine has asked me several times if she can babysit my DS. It's never worked out in the past. Honestly, I've been nervous because of her lack of experience with children; she doesn't have kids though she wants them. She and her husband are both good friends of me and DH (we were in each others' weddings). But she's coming tomorrow night. She wants to bring her husband.

I asked if I could pay her, and at first she said no, then she said I could. How much should I pay? She's not a sitter, but there are 2 of them (though it's not like that was a request of mine); they are friends...it just gets sticky. Maybe a gift instead? And what should I do regarding dinner for the 2 of them?

She loves to cook and is always insisting on cooking things at my place when I try to order out. When I say loves to cook, I mean spending hours on huge projects. She works part time so has lots of time and I think little understanding of how busy our lives are. But I love her a lot--she is well-intentioned. They are over at out home almost every weekend. It gets too much for me to prep a meal for everyone and so I say I will order pizza or Thai, etc. and she insists on bringing ingredients for dinner and cooking them here herself. She'll bring an appetizer, entree, and dessert. This is part of why I want to just order out--it's too hard to live up to. But I've only gotten away with takeout once or twice. They always come here so we can all socialize after DS is on bed.

So I'm not sure if she will be okay with takeout. Should I cook a meal for them too?

One last thing: when she's been here with DS, I've seen her set him on a counter and walk away--he just turned 1 year old. I will remind her that he doesn't have depth perception and that she can't set him on high surfaces without constant watch--but how can I do this tactfully? I think I need to trust her to babysit, but I'm a little worried!

[sweetsue98]

Are you and you DH going to be gone? If not, why are you paying her? Why would she request to be paid when she's theone who wants to babysit? I guess I'm assuming you will be there since you are making dinner plans? Anyway, I always tell people that want to babysit who I'm not comfortable with, "DH and I work all week long and just prefer to spend our time at home with the kids."

[fedoragirl]

I would not allow your friend to babysit, to be honest. I'd be too paranoid that the baby fell or something to enjoy myself out--if that's where you're going.
I think you should just call her and say that your plans have changed and you're staying home but will call her on her offer another time. If she insists, let her know that she can babysit when DS is older.
I had these qualms from well-meaning friends and family members and I just refused. I had to "train" my own mother for what I wanted her to do when DH and I would have a rare date night. I would call multiple times to make sure DD was ok. My mom is like your friend---doesn't remember a thing about raising little kids. I figured it was too stressful to have mom babysit while I was out so I just started refusing.
I babysat a friend's twins and they offered to pay but we refused (Dh and I). They paid us $20 for our pizza which we ourselves ordered. We returned that as well. IMO, you shouldn't pay. Nor should you cook a meal. Your friend should know what it means to babysit. If not, oh well...she'll learn.

[mjs64]

Are you and you DH going to be gone? If not, why are you paying her? Why would she request to be paid when she's theone who wants to babysit? I guess I'm assuming you will be there since you are making dinner plans? Anyway, I always tell people that want to babysit who I'm not comfortable with, "DH and I work all week long and just prefer to spend our time at home with the kids."

Well, the plan was that DH and I would leave. I just thought I should provide them with dinner, but I don't know what to provide.

It's sticky because they are really, really close friends of ours. And she's been begging to babysit for a long time. I was confused too about payment. I really said that I should pay her just to be polite, and then she said, "well, you could."

So I'm torn. I don't want to offend her. And I do want to go out. It would of course be easier just to pay a babysitter who has experience with small children and to whom I would be comfortable dictating the rules. (My dear friend is a tad...bossy.) Regardless, I will set out guidelines.

But I'm kind of stuck now. I've put her off lots already. I guess DH and I could leave after DS is in bed already, but then she'll know I don't trust her. I know that DS is the important one here, but the friendship is also important.

[plusbellelavie]

I know you are nervous because of her "inexperience" with kids but between her and her DH I am sure you DS will be fine especially if you feel that they are resonable and responsible adutls normally! I say go for it and enjoy your evening out.

As for dinner/payment...why not leave $$ along with take out menus and a store bought or if you a baker and have time homemade cake/cookies for dessert.

And, when they come just say I know you will want to spend as much time out of the kitchen and with DS and since I wasn't sure what you were in the mood for I left you take out menus and some money. And, there is cookies or a cake for dessert.

Now if you want to do pay her..why not wait until after you get home and see how it went with her and DS and then ask her how much she feels is fair I bet she says she had a blast and refuses payment. Or if you really want to "pay" her why not a nice bottle of wine or a GC to a local resturant. etc.


If these are close friends and they are going to obviously be in your DS life for a long time I would find a comprise for letting them babysit....you are setting up a relationship with them and your child which can be very special and forever.

HTH

[Momit]

I was also going to suggest having them come over shortly before his bedtime. They can play for an hour or so, then read a few books together and put him to bed. You may want to have DC bathed and in PJs so they are not tempted to try giving a bath.

Maybe you could give them a bottle of wine or a gift card instead of cash? That's a tricky one - it does seem like since you offered to pay and she said yes that you're stuck with giving her something.

[mjs64]

An update:

So they came and babysat, and all was fine. I was explicit with my friend about never leaving DS unattended on any surface above ground. I dissuaded her from giving DS a bath--I told a little white lie and said I don't even let DH do it, which mollified her.

I ran through our routine with her orally, rather than writing out explicit instructions, since she's watched me do it many times. They only had 1.5 hours with DS before bed anyhow. She was impressed with this--she actually said, "No long notes? You trust me!"

She brought her own dinner (lol) and refused payment. The night went fine, and DH and I had a great time out.

In the end, plusbellelavie's words really hit home:



If these are close friends and they are going to obviously be in your DS life for a long time I would find a comprise for letting them babysit....you are setting up a relationship with them and your child which can be very special and forever.

Thanks for all the advice.

[Uno-Mom]

Nice. This is one of those situations that would have seem rediculous to me before Sprog came along! I totally get the dilemma now, of course.

I think you did well. And now you have an eager pre-qualified babysitter!

[momm]

great update OP!

[Melaine]

Glad it went well!

[lmwbasye]

So glad it went well for you. I'm all for good friends babysitting my littles so they have, as you said, other extra special adults in their life. :)

[plusbellelavie]

Wonderful update...I was thinking of you this weekend! I am so glad it went well and that you had a nice time with your DH!

[mjs64]

Nice. This is one of those situations that would have seem rediculous to me before Sprog came along! I totally get the dilemma now, of course.

I think you did well. And now you have an eager pre-qualified babysitter!

You know, it almost seems ridiculous to me now, just 2 days later. Part of being a first time mom I think is being anxious to a fault. Another friend of mine with a 4 month old was telling me last week about how she didn't think she could handle starting her DC on solid foods in a couple of months. She didn't think she could handle the change. I almost laughed, but you know, I was anxious about that 8 months ago. That seems a lifetime ago now. I guess moms grow up quick too.

[Uno-Mom]

You know, it almost seems ridiculous to me now, just 2 days later. Part of being a first time mom I think is being anxious to a fault. Another friend of mine with a 4 month old was telling me last week about how she didn't think she could handle starting her DC in solid foods in a couple of months. She didn't think she could handle the change. I almost laughed, but you know, I was anxious about that 8 months ago. That seems a lifetime ago now. I guess moms grow up quick too.We have to develop at roughly the same rates as our infant humans. That's a lot of development within the first year. Yay us!

[infocrazy]

A very close friend of mine has asked me several times if she can babysit my DS. ...she doesn't have kids though she wants them. ...She wants to bring her husband.

I'm glad everything worked out great...here is my thought...she is ready, he isn't sure yet, she wanted a "trial night" with a baby they love...and that she knows is a good baby! :) My cousin and his wife suddenly wanted to see a diaper change and asked a million questions about newborns...about 3 months later, they announced their pregnancy! If we lived closer, I bet they would have offered to babysit!

[mjs64]

I'm glad everything worked out great...here is my thought...she is ready, he isn't sure yet, she wanted a "trial night" with a baby they love...and that she knows is a good baby! :) My cousin and his wife suddenly wanted to see a diaper change and asked a million questions about newborns...about 3 months later, they announced their pregnancy! If we lived closer, I bet they would have offered to babysit!

Oh, you are right. She is trying to persuade him for sure! I hadn't thought of this as a tactic, but that's probably part of it!