Help please with transition issue

[PunkyBoo]

Boo is normally such a sweet, outgoing, funny little boy (he's 3.) He is often like a puppy in his unabashed enthusiasm for anything and everthing. In particular, he loves to play outside. We have a lot of fun things in the backyard that he likes to play with, but he also LOVES playing with sand at the park. I try to take him to the park at least once per week for a couple of hours while his brother is at school. We have a nice stash of sand toys that we take and he will happily play for hours, digging in sand, talking to the other kids (and their grown-ups), playing on the equipment, etc. However, without fail, he has a massive tantrum when we leave.

I mean MASSIVE. Full blown kicking, screaming, crying, pulling my hair, hitting, throwing, tearing my clothes... its truly awful. It takes at least 10-15 minutes to get him into the car and buckled into his carseat. Frankly, it is embarrassing (today there were 2 cop cars in the parking lot and I thought for sure they were going to come question me to see if I was kidnapping him or torturing him, but thank goodness they didn't.) but I try to remember that all the other parents at the park have seen their own fair share of tantrums and are sympathetic, not judging (at least I hope so, so that's what I tell myself.:shrug: )

I have tried to consistently talk to him beforehand about how to respond when it's time to go. "When mommy says, time to go, help me clean up the toys, I need you to say 'OK mama' so we can go home and eat lunch." He smiles and agrees and says "ok Mama", then after 2 hours at the park I get the tantrum. I have tried to consistently give him time warnings to help ease the transition. 10 minute, then 5 minute, then 1 minute/ one more dig and dump/ one more time down the slide, etc. I still get the tantrum. I have threatened that I won't take him to the park anymore if he gets so angry when it's time to go home, but I know the occasions are spaced so far apart that the threat doesn't hold any weight. I have told him I won't have time to read him a story after lunch if he continues to scream and kick and hit, but the tantrum doesn't stop. I keep telling myself that eventually he will see that we get to go to the park often enough that it's not the end of the world when it's time to leave, but the tantrum still comes. It takes all my mental and emotional strength to hold it together, to not smack him, to keep some semblance of composure. Once we are driving away, he's fine - he calms down and is his usual sweet self, but it takes me at least 30 minutes to stop shaking from anger and an hour or more to calm the angry feelings I get. I hate it.

Please help me figure out how to get him out of the park and into the car without this awful tantrum. I'm not completely above bribery in this case, but I don't want this very bright (ie potentially manipulative) child of mine to turn it around in his favor to get a cookie or whatever by threatening a tantrum.

[crl]

Is there something he loves that could be waiting in the car for him? Offer it before the tantrum starts and he only gets it if he leaves nicely.

Is he hungry when it is time to go? Would offering a snack with protein about thirty minutes before you go help?

Is he tired (is it right before nap time)? If so, maybe you could try leaving thirty minutes or so earlier? I know my daughter can't deal with undesirable transitions right before nap, her coping skills are at a low ebb when she is tired.

Catherine

[PunkyBoo]

I know he is hungry AND tired when it's time to go. I always try to get him to eat a snack at the park, but he refuses. It doesn't seem to matter if I try to leave early or not, I still get the tantrum.

I guess I can try to have something waiting in the car for him. Like a favorite stuffed animal? Or like a cookie?? I feel so lost on this - my older son was completely different in temperment.

[larig]

I have a kid like this. I do resort to bribery. DS's motivators are #1 chocolate chip cookies #2 iPad--I use those. I give him 5 and then 2 minutes. I get down in his face with mine and hold my fingers up. He usually says back to me "5 minutes." Then I add, "in 5 minutes we will go home and have cookies." Sometimes he is ready to leave right then, because he loves cookies that much. (I bake a lot. ;-) )

[amldaley]

No advice as I have been struggling with this with DD for MONTHS now and I sometimes resort to bribery but I will tell you that it is difficult to get out of the bribery rut once they catch on to it. There are several helpful threads...try searching for combinations like "tantrum" and "3 yo" etc. There are a number of us here in the same position!

I can't give you advice b/c I have CLEARLY not been very successful at dealing with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[crl]

As far as what to have waiting in the car, I'd try whatever you think will work. I offer dd milk or a crusher (applesauce pouch from TJ) pretty often. I occasionally offer a cookie. For some kids stickers might work or a favorite stuffed animal.

From my perspective, this is just about getting through the phase. I did this some with older ds and I can assure you that at age 8 I no longer need to bribe him to get it the car without a tantrum. (I also did my fair share of just forcing him to do it, but when I could avoid that, I did.)

Catherine

[daisymommy]

I agree, that it's a phase they will outgrow. Not that it makes it easier now, I know!
Both DS1 and DD were like this, and I tried doing exactly what you are (counting down when we are leaving, something to look forward too; all good ideas IMO).
They finally came to a point of emotional maturity to be able to deal with their sad feelings and disappointment around the age of 4.
Hang in there!


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[wellyes]

Aw, poor kid.
I would take him for shorter periods of time. We tend to spend 45 minutes in the park - enough time to get tired and hungry. My kids would love to stay beyond that point, but the longer we stay, the harder it is to leave.

[brittone2]

I'd play around with a shorter stay and times of day. Being overtired and hungry and being 3 and leaving the park can be a recipe for disaster. It might not be easy to leave even if he isn't overtired or hungry, but add those things in and IME you get bigger meltdowns many times.

You might also want to try more frequent but shorter stays and work on leaving successfully. Maybe run a refresher each time about what "leaving successfully" looks like before you even get out of the car to go to the park, and then a reminder as you count down to leaving. Sometimes playful parenting can help (are we going to leave like elephants or like dinosaurs? What song or what CD should we put on in the car?) give a feeling of control. SOmetimes they are just 3 and all of the warnings in the world don't work.

WHen we've had really rough patches like that sometimes we've just cut back and waited it out a bit until they mature. Sometimes I would wait until DH was around so I had extra hands to help.

I don't like bribery all that much, but I just phrase it as, "when we get home we're going to do X" (something fun) or "once you are buckled it will be time for Y." So the wording doesn't make it optional, kwim? THey are going to get X and Y because they are going to get buckled and go home. I don't phrase it as "if you cooperate you are going to get X" I just say, "once we buckle, we can...(put your favorite CD on in the car, have a cookie, sing a certain song, whatever motivates DC)"

It does pass. I promise.

[purpleeyes]

I feel like such a b*tch, but I wouldn't go to the park anymore, quite honestly. I'd give him one more chance to respond to the time requirements and then tell him next week we wouldn't go. I know you said that the time is too far apart, but I bet he'd miss it once he realized it was gone!

[123LuckyMom]

I have to agree with purpleeyes. My DS pulled this at the LIBRARY every time we went!!! You can imagine how horrible that was! I had several talks with him, which even at that age worked in other situations. Then I told him he could have one more chance. If he couldn't leave happily, we would not be able to come back. Despite frequent reminders during the stay and a promise to behave at the two minute reminder, DS lost it again. The next time we passed the library and DS asked to go in, I told him, "We can't go in because you will cry when it is time to leave, and instead of having fun, both you and mama will end up sad and angry.". He cried and promised, but I kept saying no for two weeks. Then I let him have another try. He behaved, and I made a pretty big (for me) fuss of praise. I made a show of telling DH in front of DS what a good job he had done; we called Gran and told her what a fun tiime we had had with no tears, etc. He hasn't made a scene at the library since. I know it seems a shame to give up the sand for a while, but I think it will have an impact.

[crl]

I have to agree with purpleeyes. My DS pulled this at the LIBRARY every time we went!!! You can imagine how horrible that was! I had several talks with him, which even at that age worked in other situations. Then I told him he could have one more chance. If he couldn't leave happily, we would not be able to come back. Despite frequent reminders during the stay and a promise to behave at the two minute reminder, DS lost it again. The next time we passed the library and DS asked to go in, I told him, "We can't go in because you will cry when it is time to leave, and instead of having fun, both you and mama will end up sad and angry.". He cried and promised, but I kept saying no for two weeks. Then I let him have another try. He behaved, and I made a pretty big (for me) fuss of praise. I made a show of telling DH in front of DS what a good job he had done; we called Gran and told her what a fun tiime we had had with no tears, etc. He hasn't made a scene at the library since. I know it seems a shame to give up the sand for a while, but I think it will have an impact.

I think this is valid too. Ds still remembers, " part of getting to go to the park is leaving nicely.". Personally, I would try other things first, but if they didn't work, I would probably try this.

Catherine

[karstmama]

it is totally a phase, i agree with everyone. we just bulldozed through it, really. he's not a very verbal child, so i tried very short talks, just phrases really, about 'it's time to go home. we had fun here, huh? we can come again soon. we need to leave nice. no cry. do you want some milk? ok, let's buckle.' while he wailed and thrashed and i sorta pretended he wasn't, but it's a maturity thing and the other mamas have seen it or been through it!