Need Help- Discipline at Preschool

[Beckylove]

I got the talk today that DS had a "rough day" today at Preschool. Throwing blocks at kids (repeatedly), running, not participating, and not listening. The assistant director said they attempted to redirect, but when talking to him, he had a totally blank look, would not make eye contact, or would run away when they said they wanted to talk to him.

I am familiar with these behaviors. I get them at home too, but I respond differently. When he gives me the blank look no eye contact bit, I squat at eye level, use my low toned stern voice (supernanny style), tell him to stop the behavior and warn that he will get timeout, and physically turn his head to me (if he is refusing to look at me) and ask that he acknowledge that he heard me. If the behavior continues he gets time out. He gets really upset when he gets time out at home, and recently when I take him to time out, he cries, goes completely limp, runs, or screams. I pick him up and carry him to time out. He stays there, cries, says really sad stuff (I want my mommy back, whaaaa...), gets a three minute time out (he's 3), and comes out of time out genuinely sorry and better behaved. 80% of the time at home the warning with threat of timeout causes him to change his behavior.

The preschool's discipline method is to tell him not to do something, explain how it hurts, etc., give him another activity. They are not comfortable with physically turning him to get direct eye contact and are not comfortable physically taking him to timeout if he is limp, running away, etc. That is good and I wouldnt expect them to. They give out sparkly stickers at they end of the day when kids have a good day. DS usually gets a sticker, but frequently on days when he's earned it, walks out without it because he doesn't really care about getting it. I try to praise him when I get a good report at school and when I see positive behaviors at home, but I'm sure like everyone, I could be doing better at praise.

The assistant director wanted to know how we discipline at home. I told her the timeout routine and she agreed they aren't comfortable forcing him into timeout. She wanted to know if there are rewards at home they could promise for good behavior days and other ideas I had for dealing with negative behavior. She said several times that this was "three year old behavior" and that she didn't want me to feel bad, and they think he's a nice kid, but just wanted some ideas about how to reach him when he's having a rough day.

My questions are:
Are rewards at home the best way to teach good behavior at school?
What other suggestions could I give the preschool?
What would good rewards be? Things he likes, playing with cars, reading, playing games, are things we do anyway. I certainly don't like the idea of taking away reading time.
Are snacks a good reward? He is crazy about goldfish or fruit snacks, but I'm not sure if it is smart to make good behavior=food=food makes you feel good.
An episode of tv? How do you make an episode of clifford the reward for a good day at preschool, if the next day he doesn't have preschool and I let him watch an episode of clifford because I need to cook dinner.

I'm sure there are issues here I'm not thinking of. Please share your thoughts as you read through this long post. I would love some suggestions from people here who have BTDT. My goal is a child who is respectful of teachers and listens to them, like school and plays nice with friends.

Thank you so much for reading this and TIA for thoughtful advice.

[twowhat?]

If they are uncomfortable with the head-turning, can they simply implement a time-out? Our school uses time-outs and I feel like it works well.

In your case I feel like it would be better for the school to be more consistent with what you do at home, so maybe they'd be willing to offer a warning - one of my friends actually says to her DC: "Look at me" - so maybe they could use that as a warning and if it has no effect just take him straight to time-out? I find that at 3yo, redirecting has only limited success (and the redirection/distraction has to be REALLY high-value - which is hard to do on a daily basis). Time-outs here work well (that's an understatement...time-outs have saved me from ending up in the looney bin!!!)

eta: sorry, just re-read your post and realized they are uncomfortable with BOTH the time-out and the head-turning...I'm stumped, then:( I thikn that rewarding for good behavior at home isn't an immediate-enough reward. My girls are 3 and we still can't use rewards like "if you don't cry all afternoon, you can have popcorn". They understand when told, but consequences/rewards that are hours away just don't work.

[crl]

I think rewards at the end of the day aren't very meaningful for most three year olds. If you and the preschool are good with rewards, I think they need to come at shorter intervals/more immediately.

I can understand the reluctance to force eye contact (not saying you are wrng to do so) but I guess I don't see why not physically enforce time outs if they are good with the concept in general.

I don't know if there are other consequences they can enforce, such as not allowing participation in a favored activity? Maybe they could require him to shadow a teacher for a time after he misbehaves? "Since you are having trouble controlling your hands, you need to use them to help me clean up the art supplies/set out the snack/etc.". That might have the effect of removing him from the situation and prevent repeated bad behavior.

Do they/you have any ideas if something in particular is setting him off? A difficult interaction with another child? Frustration with a transition? Bad night's sleep? Refused to eat breakfast and is hungry?

Just some random thoughts. Good luck!
Catherine

[tribe pride]

I don't have a lot of advice, but I could have written your post. DS1 is 3, in his first year of preschool, and has struggled a lot this year with paying attention, following instructions, and doing things he's not allowed to do (like throw sand on the playground, push his friends, etc.). Overall, his teachers have been patient with him, and they will put him in timeout when he is disrespectful or hurts another child. I'm fine with that. I do think a lot of it is typical 3yo boy behavior, and my DS is particularly high energy, so I know he can be a handful for his teachers.

To answer your questions regarding rewards, we instituted a reward system per his teachers' advice. We decided to go with a reward chart. When DS gets home from school, he gets to put a sticker on his chart if he has had a good day. When he gets a certain number of stickers, he gets to pick a special treat. Have a friend come play, a special trip to the zoo, etc. We don't own a tv so DS doesn't watch shows on a regular basis. But he can choose to watch a special video (like Veggie Tales or something) as his treat. DS likes the chart a lot, and I think it has helped some. Every day on the way to school we talk about having a good day and putting a sticker on the chart. Sometimes it seems to work, sometimes it doesn't. But at least it keeps him thinking about the importance of being kind to his friends and listening to his teachers. His teachers will remind him about the reward chart when they see him acting out.

Honestly, I'm just hopeful at this point that DSl grow out of a lot of it. I've been rather discouraged about his behavior lately; it seems like sometimes nothing works for him, and when he doesn't care about the negative consequences for his actions, then there's not a whole lot I can do that works as far as a reward or punishment system. Ultimately, I just keep trying to be consistent and make sure that I have logical, firm, but not harsh consequences to his behavior, and try to lavish a ton of praise on him when he gets things right.

Sorry, that's kind of rambling, but I wanted you to know you're not the only one dealing with this!

ETA: OKay, just read PP's advice about having more immediate consequences to behavior. Maybe my suggestion of a reward chart at home isn't the best solution, at least not in and of itself! I'll need to think about how to better incorporate some of this advice into DS's own school issues.