I have the difficult time liking her. Help! - moved for review

[moonsky]

Dh really wants me to be a good friend of his friend's wife. I just have a hard time as we have different parenting and lifestyle. We are both SAHM. However, her life is pretty much like the one on the TV show: the Real Housewife of....

She has a live-in nanny taking care of her newborn. She drops off her older kid, 3 yrs old, at the preschool/daycare in the morning and pickup at 6pm 5 days a week. During the day, she goes to the gym or hangs out with friends, etc. She doesn't like to nurse and occasionally pump even though her newborn is only 2 months old. I ask her why she said that she didn't like to do it. She doesn't wake up to feed her baby and have her nanny do the job. She doesn't have any health condition.

I never have a nanny, handle 3 DCs, and do housework myself. I really love nursing. We honestly don't have anything in common. I told Dh that I don't feel like hanging out with her and he said that I was jealous of her. I may on the part that I would love to have help on the housework. I love to taking care of my kids myself and love being around them. Am I too judgemental?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Some people just don't click and your dh should get that. Life is too short to spend with people you don't like.

[llama8]

Although it makes sense to not like her for the way she acts, it is very narrow minded to judge people who don't breastfeed their children negatively. That should have no bearing on a friendship! I am an excellent mother that chose not to breastfeed, like thousands of others. Why should that make a difference to you???

I think you are being very judgmental.

[TwinFoxes]

Well, nothing you've said has been about her personality, just her parenting style. So yeah, a little judgey.

[Nicsmom]

You are not being judgmental. You just don't have much in common with her, and that's ok. You could try to see if you can find something you both like, but I think you cannot force yourself to be friends with someone with whom you don't share anything. And probably she feels the same way with you. Those feelings are mutual most of the time. Do you have a friend whose DH is vastly different from yours? Maybe you can ask your DH to be friends with him ;)

[moonsky]

Although it makes sense to not like her for the way she acts, it is very narrow minded to judge people who don't breastfeed their children negatively. That should have no bearing on a friendship! I am an excellent mother that chose not to breastfeed, like thousands of others. Why should that make a difference to you???

I think you are being very judgmental.

I am sorry if I offend you. That's not my intention to any moms who don't/didn't nurse. I know some can't due to the health condition/family or work situation, etc.

hearing that she found the task annoying and wasting her time makes me uncomfortable. I will be more open minded next time though.

[wellyes]

Yes, you're being judgmental. You don't like her because she uses daycare, she doesn't like nursing, she has hired help. These are not personality traits, and honestly they describe a lot of BBBers. Or what a lot of us might LIKE to do if we could pay for it.... gosh, a night nanny sounds freakin' spectacular.


However, it's OK not to like her. I don't like a lot of people LOL. Not always for 'valid' reasons, either.
You two don't click and that's OK.

[zukeypur]

I would give it an honest try for DH, but I see your point.

[AngB]

Well, nothing you've said has been about her personality, just her parenting style. So yeah, a little judgey.

:yeahthat:

[wendmatt]

Gosh I think you are all being a bit harsh, I didn't get that she was judging the not breastfeeding, just the lifestyle.....eg nanny, dropping off a child all day to go and hang out etc. I would be uncomfortable with that too if it's not your lifestyle. Just tell DH you don't connect with her but are happy to see her in a couples situation. You are under no obligation to be friends with her.

[moonsky]

Yes, you're being judgmental. You don't like her because she uses daycare, she doesn't like nursing, she has hired help. These are not personality traits, and honestly they describe a lot of BBBers. Or what a lot of us might LIKE to do if we could pay for it.... gosh, a night nanny sounds freakin' spectacular.


However, it's OK not to like her. I don't like a lot of people LOL. Not always for 'valid' reasons, either.
You two don't click and that's OK.

That's what I think. I just don't get it why Dh has forced me to be friends with them. I feel like I am the resources for her baby products, schools, parenting, etc. She always ask me on those every time we met. She even asked me to regularly pick up her kids from the daycare as one of my DC used to be in the same preschool. I politely said no as our cars wouldn't fit anymore carseats. I already have three kids on my own to care for and don't have any help. Also, I am not her personal assistant.

[cvanbrunt]

You won't like me then, either. I didn't breast feed because I hated it. I use daycare and have a cleaning lady. I'm also loyal, funny, generous, interested in all kinds of things, have an amazing shoe collection and I make a mean cocktail.
Maybe you are missing out on a friendship, maybe not. But it does like there is some jealousy and judgment on your part.

[lhafer]

Well, nothing you've said has been about her personality, just her parenting style. So yeah, a little judgey.

:yeahthat:
I think you have to get past the issues you have stated (not breastfeeding, nanny even though she stays at home, able to work out, etc) to see if your personalities click. Just because you don't have the same parenting styles, doesn't mean she can't become a friend.

[AnnieW625]

Although it makes sense to not like her for the way she acts, it is very narrow minded to judge people who don't breastfeed their children negatively. That should have no bearing on a friendship! I am an excellent mother that chose not to breastfeed, like thousands of others. Why should that make a difference to you???

I think you are being very judgmental.

:yeahthat: couldn't have said it better myself. There could be other issues like ppd here and maybe she needs the help to help with ppd symptoms. Maybe she tried breastfeeding alrwady and it wasn't her cup of tea. You just never know.

I have never been one to make friends easily so I wouldn't or don't get to be too judgemental until I have gotten to know the person well and have made a concious decision that we are just too different or one has done sometging like attack my character before I decide that I do or do not want to friends with them.

IRL I have a cousin (my dad's first cousin) who was able to afford many of the things you listed and did many of the things you listed when her kids (3 of the 4 are less than 12 mos. apart; as she has adopted twins and a surprise bio child) of the were little and she is the nicest most unassuming person ever. She also has a crazy amount of money yet if you run into her or her DH you would never know they are multi millionaires. I feel the same way about her 4 kids; they are wonderful people and have more money than I will ever see in my life.

[katydid1971]

I don't think you are being judgmental, I think that there is a difference in core values which would make the relationship hard. No one is going to have the exact same interests and values as you but it sounds like you two share none of these things in common. I think life is too short to try an force a relationship that isn't there.

[AnnieW625]

hearing that she found the task annoying and wasting her time makes me uncomfortable. I will be more open minded next time though.
I felt this way while BFing DD1 and she was a good nurser. I never got more than 2 oz. per pumping session so yeah for sometimes it just doesn't work and I never pumped at work because it would have been a waste of my time. 20 minutes 4 times a day and getting maybe one 8 oz. bottle a day would not have been a good use of my time.

[SnuggleBuggles]

If someone's lifestyle were like the Real Housewives of... like OP described, I'd have a really hard time finding things in common, I think. I'd give it a try- and it sounds like OP did. Sometimes there is just too much difference with regards to views of life and lifestyle decisions. I have your back on this one, OP.

[Seitvonzu]

i didn't think you were being too judgy-- but then again, have you taken the meyers briggs test? i'm a total judger myself--so maybe i just don't recognize true judgyness ? ;)

i think you have different values. i don't think i'd jive well with someone who leaves their newborn with a nanny EVERYDAY while they go play tennis. i just can't really relate to that-- i always wanted to stay at home and to me that meant, being with my kid/kiddos, you know? i do think it's weird to put your kid in all day care if you are home.... *shrug* i like my kid. i like hanging out with her. i have hobbies, like to do my own thing, have friends, but i just love being around my child sometimes too. she's my bud. if i only saw her after 6 pm, my husband would always be around. he's her favorite-- i wouldn't have a chance! :)

the breastfeeding thing can really overshadow...i don't let that affect how i feel about someone unless it presents itself as part of a "package." i really do see breastfeeding as something that is best for a baby. but that doesn't mean there aren't many valid and good reasons NOT to do it. (particularly when some people are heartbroken that they can't) it's just not everyone's bag, and i get that....HOWEVER-- i think what you are saying here is that her reasons for not doing it reflect values you don't like (perhaps you don't think she puts her kids first? maybe that she thinks they are more of a nuisance? that's the sense i get when people present the nanny/preschool/don't want to wake up to breastfeed "package")

[khm]

If someone's lifestyle were like the Real Housewives of... like OP described, I'd have a really hard time finding things in common, I think. I'd give it a try- and it sounds like OP did. Sometimes there is just too much difference with regards to views of life and lifestyle decisions. I have your back on this one, OP.

Yeah, I kind of picked up on the Real Housewives thing way more than the breastfeeding thing. And, well, my impression of the Real Housewives isn't very good.

OP, don't feel pressured. It doesn't sound like you and her are a good fit.

Is she knocking down your door to hang with you? Or is it just your husband has a happy vision of you two couples hanging out?

[kijip]

I would just add that we are never really privy to why people do things the way they do them. There could be any number of reasons she does what she does. Different parenting choices are not reasons why people can not be friends. However, they certainly can be the result of different personalities at time. They can also result from different levels of resources, ppd experiences and history of your own childhood including sometimes abuse. My mom was pretty hands off with us as little kids (sans resources like the woman you describe, because we had few) but I came to see that as a byproduct of how she was raised. She was a great mother but she was very worried about repeating her mom's abuse with us and she would tune out when she felt stressed or anxious. My paternal aunts found it neglectful. There are two sides to every story.

[crl]

Well, I think I'd have a hard time finding a lot in common with her. It sounds like your days are mostly about taking care of your kids and hers aren't. It doesn't mean a friendship is impossible, but it does sound like there isn't a lot of common ground at the moment. It also sounds like you have made some effort to get to know her and you just haven't clicked. IMO that's fine. Not everyone clicks.

Catherine

[moonsky]

i think you have different values. i don't think i'd jive well with someone who leaves their newborn with a nanny EVERYDAY while they go play tennis. i just can't really relate to that-- i always wanted to stay at home and to me that meant, being with my kid/kiddos, you know? i do think it's weird to put your kid in all day care if you are home.... *shrug* i like my kid.

:yeahthat:

[arivecchi]

I do think you are judging the book by its cover. Sometimes people surprise you.

IMHO, the bigger issue is that your DH is asking you to be friends with someone you apparently don't like at all. Maybe I am the one being judgmental now, but I cannot really imagine my DH asking me to be friendly with someone I did not care for.

[California]

Real housewives of... makes me think narcissistic and self-absorbed. Is that what you are trying to describe? I would find that very annoying too. It can though, on the other hand, be enriching to have friendships with people who approach life very differently. If she's not bitchy to be around (catty comments, etc.) and if she's making an effort to be friendly, you might try giving her more of a chance just to see where it leads. It could be interesting!

[georgiegirl]

She doesnt sound like someone I'd click with either. I can't imagine leaving my newborn with a nanny full time so I could get a mani-pedi and work out and meet friends for lunch...every day.

[liamsmom]

I do think you are judging the book by its cover. Sometimes people surprise you.

IMHO, the bigger issue is that your DH is asking you to be friends with someone you apparently don't like at all. Maybe I am the one being judgmental now, but I cannot really imagine my DH asking me to be friendly with someone I did not care for.

:yeahthat: Does your DH just want the two of you to get along so all four of you can double date? Or does he want you to be besties with her and hang out without the guys? Honestly, if it's the latter then I have to wonder if this gal has that many friends after all and if she's asking her DH to ask your DH to ask you to hang out.

The fact that she asked you to p/up her kid from pre-school EVERY DAY is a big red flag to me though.

[SkyrMommy]

Life is too short to spend with people you don't like.

She just sound difficult to be around. I wonder why your DH is insistent on pushing her at you?

We have a similar thing here, a friend would love to get her husband talking and being friends with DH, but they have nothing in common at all so I'd never pressure DH to befriend him.

[Cam&Clay]

I know some can't due to the health condition/family or work situation, etc.

hearing that she found the task annoying and wasting her time makes me uncomfortable.

I had no health reasons to not nurse. I simply hated every second of it, plain and simple. It was not for me. I would try to look past that. Nursing isn't for everyone.

[maylips]

That's what I think. I just don't get it why Dh has forced me to be friends with them. I feel like I am the resources for her baby products, schools, parenting, etc. She always ask me on those every time we met. She even asked me to regularly pick up her kids from the daycare as one of my DC used to be in the same preschool. I politely said no as our cars wouldn't fit anymore carseats. I already have three kids on my own to care for and don't have any help. Also, I am not her personal assistant.

These sound like much more valid examples of why you don't want to hang out with her, although I totally get why you wrote the first post that you wrote. I mean, how really CAN you go out and do stuff if she's kid-free every day and you aren't?

However, if it's only to go out as couples, then I would give it a try a few times and try to steer the conversation away from your perceptions and try to get to know her better. Your instincts may be right and if they are, well, hey, we can't all become besties.

[twowhat?]

You are not being judgmental. You just don't have much in common with her, and that's ok. You could try to see if you can find something you both like, but I think you cannot force yourself to be friends with someone with whom you don't share anything. And probably she feels the same way with you. Those feelings are mutual most of the time. Do you have a friend whose DH is vastly different from yours? Maybe you can ask your DH to be friends with him ;)

If you don't click with her, you don't click with her and your DH shouldn't force the issue. Nothing wrong with not clicking with someone for whatever your reasons are.

[MamaKath]

I would give it an honest try for DH, but I see your point.

:yeahthat:
I guess I would also wonder why dh is pushing it and what benefit he sees in it if you are that different.

[Canna]

OP - your post did not come across as overly judgmental at all, to me. It sounds like you're describing someone that has a very different lifestyle than you, enjoys different things from you, and has different values from you. Sure you MIGHT be able to find things in common to talk about - TV shows or movies, a shared interest in some kind of hobby if there happens to be one. But honestly, talking about the kind of things that I talk to my mom friends ALL THE TIME about - everything from managing kids' behavior, to how breastfeeding is going, to household budgets, to strategies for managing housework, to relationships with our husbands are going to be really difficult and potentially really frustrating if you're coming from such different places.

If you don't like her - it's okay! You don't have to be friends with everyone, and you don't have to like everyone. Your time, especially as a mom of three kids, is too limited to be wasted trying to hang out with someone you find unpleasant in order to please your DH!

[newnana]

DH did this of me with his best friend's wife. It started when we were all dating and he wanted us to get along because it was his best friend and he liked hanging out with him and wanted us to click so that we could hang out together as a couple.

I tried for years because it was important to DH. I barely found her tolerable. It was nothing extreme, just that we had nothing in common and I could not relate. There was a significant age difference, perspective on life difference, frame of reference difference, and significant difference in interests. I tried VERY hard.

I have never regretted anything so much in my life. After so many hours, days, weeks, months spent trying to relate to this person and helping her and trying to be her friend, she betrayed me. I have never in all my life been so betrayed and hurt and appalled. It certainly stemmed from a difference in morals and values. It also caused my DH to have to cut off his relationship with his best friend. Had I just given it a reasonable go and said, "you know what DH, I've tried, but I can think of a thousand other ways I'd rather spend my time, you go enjoy your friend and we'll just let that be that" maybe it wouldn't have come to such an extreme. Maybe. I do KNOW that I regret all the time I made myself try to like this person and develop a relationship with her. She's really the only person I can think of in my life that I didn't want to pursue a friendship with. And this is where it got me. We talk a lot about trusting our instincts. I think this is as good of any time to listen to them.

If you don't click, you don't click. Give it the good ol' college try, but it's okay to say that it's not a relationship worth fighting for.

Is some of the opinion judgey? Sure, but so was my opinion of this chick. it happens. And of course there are always 2 sides to every story. But I take OP as just giving examples of how they don't click and aren't in the same place in their lives, not that the breastfeeding thing or nanny or whatever is the end all be all. It's hard to get all our thoughts out in 1 post. Good luck.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I do think you are judging the book by its cover. Sometimes people surprise you.

IMHO, the bigger issue is that your DH is asking you to be friends with someone you apparently don't like at all. Maybe I am the one being judgmental now, but I cannot really imagine my DH asking me to be friendly with someone I did not care for.

:yeahthat: this exactly. while i agree with PP that you seem to be judging this woman a bit too harshly (i nursed both my kids, but I don't see how another mom choosing not to nurse would make me less likely to be friends with her), if it were me i don't think i'd make a huge effort to be friends with this woman....because i just can't imagine my DH asking me to be friends with someone (even a coworker's wife or something)...that's just seems so odd to me.

[jacksmomtobe]

We tend to be friends with people we relate to. I don't think the op is intending to be judgmental. These two women just have nothing in common. The non-breastfeeding really isn't a major issue (I bf both kids for an extended time) but the fact that this Mom spends little time actually caring for her children even though she is technically a SAHM is the real factor on why there is no connection. I understand people need help at times but it sounds like this Mom is not spending much time with her kids. These two women have different priorities. Sometimes guys expect us to be friends with the women their pals date or marry and there is just no connection. I'm sure you can tolerate her for an occaisional get together but a friendship probably isn't in the cards.

[hellokitty]

OP - your post did not come across as overly judgmental at all, to me. It sounds like you're describing someone that has a very different lifestyle than you, enjoys different things from you, and has different values from you. Sure you MIGHT be able to find things in common to talk about - TV shows or movies, a shared interest in some kind of hobby if there happens to be one. But honestly, talking about the kind of things that I talk to my mom friends ALL THE TIME about - everything from managing kids' behavior, to how breastfeeding is going, to household budgets, to strategies for managing housework, to relationships with our husbands are going to be really difficult and potentially really frustrating if you're coming from such different places.

If you don't like her - it's okay! You don't have to be friends with everyone, and you don't have to like everyone. Your time, especially as a mom of three kids, is too limited to be wasted trying to hang out with someone you find unpleasant in order to please your DH!

:yeahthat: Ditto this! I'm surprised that so many are taking this post so personally. I do not seek out friendships with women who I have very little in common with, esp with parenting and value differences. So, I understand where you are coming from and I think it's ok for you to feel this way. It would be worse if you acted fake to her and was her, "friend," just out of obligation.

[TwinFoxes]

The reason I think she sounds a little judgy is a lot of what she posted sounded like she hadn't actually spent time with this woman. She admits she's jealous on a certain level.

OP has posted asking which luxury car she should buy, about private schools etc, so it seems like their worlds are not complete opposites (nothing wrong with luxury cars or private schools BTW!) I am friends with lots of people who on paper it would seem I would have zero in common with. I would just giver her a chance, and not go by what I think she's like. If you don't click, eh, those are the breaks and DH has to get over it. I don't think op should suffer through this person forever, I just don't get writing her off for superficial reasons. (And I SAH, BF my twins past 15 months, and have never had a nanny!)

[moonsky]

The reason I think she sounds a little judgy is a lot of what she posted sounded like she hadn't actually spent time with this woman. She admits she's jealous on a certain level.

OP has posted asking which luxury car she should buy, about private schools etc, so it seems like their worlds are not complete opposites (nothing wrong with luxury cars or private schools BTW!) I am friends with lots of people who on paper it would seem I would have zero in common with. I would just giver her a chance, and not go by what I think she's like. If you don't click, eh, those are the breaks and DH has to get over it. I don't think op should suffer through this person forever, I just don't get writing her off for superficial reasons. (And I SAH, BF my twins past 15 months, and have never had a nanny!)

You are right that my world and hers are not completely opposite. We are in similar financial status; however, we choose on living life, child caring, and parenting differently. We can also afford a live-in nanny but I love to care for my kids myself. I would love to have help on the housework but Dh is very picky on whom we hire even the cleaning lady. I have been looking for a good one for a while.

I guess I will give it another try and just ignore what she does with her kids. After all, they are hers not mine.

[moonsky]

We tend to be friends with people we relate to. I don't think the op is intending to be judgmental. These two women just have nothing in common. The non-breastfeeding really isn't a major issue (I bf both kids for an extended time) but the fact that this Mom spends little time actually caring for her children even though she is technically a SAHM is the real factor on why there is no connection. I understand people need help at times but it sounds like this Mom is not spending much time with her kids. These two women have different priorities. Sometimes guys expect us to be friends with the women their pals date or marry and there is just no connection. I'm sure you can tolerate her for an occaisional get together but a friendship probably isn't in the cards.

:yeahthat:

[essnce629]

I get where you're coming from and don't think you're being judgemental. We are usually friends with people we have stuff in common with and who we can relate to.

I have 7 best friends from high school that I am super close with. 5 of us have kids now and we pretty much all have the same parenting style so we love getting together and all have a blast. Our other 2 friends don't have kids yet and live completely differently lifestyles (working full time, traveling all over the world whenever, etc) so it's natural that we don't talk and hang out as much, but we still have fun when we do get together but that's probably because we were all friends for years before having kids.

I don't think I'd become besties right now with someone I just met who is single, childless, works full time, is dating, and traveling the world just because we'd have very little in common and our day to day lifestyle would be so different. And even though this other woman does have children and is a SAHM, her lifestyle is completely different from yours so I don't see how it's so different than being besties with a random single person. I wouldn't force it.

[sntm]

I don't think the post was inappropriately judgy. That's how we develop relationships with people, learning about who they are based upon what they do with their lives. You aren't guaranteed to dislike this woman just because of all the differences, but let's not kid ourselves that those qualities aren't meaningful ones in developing a friendship! Its not like you only said you do t like the brand of jeans she wears.

While I have friends who differ from me in some major aspects (I WOH FT but have SAHM friends, I haves kid but have single childless friends) there tends to be so e very major and easily identifiable early connections. Otherwise, therre woukd be nothing special about a friEndship.

The combination of things you listed sounded like reasons you two might not be destined to be BFF. Doesn't make her a bad person, just probably not the right friend for you.

[citymama]

I haven't read the other posts but I think life is too short to spend with people you don't care for. Whatever your reasons, you don't care for her - not right now, anyway. If your DH thinks you're jealous, tell him things would be different if you had a ft nanny and housekeeper too. ;)

There are people I'm related to who I don't necessarily care for but have to occasionally be around. Doesn't mean I have to learn to love them, but I have to try and be civil/cordial during that time. Maybe start there and see where it takes you.

[HannaAddict]

And this is why I don't advertise that we have a nanny and she even lived in until we decided we didn't like that arrangement! :) I wouldn't be so quick to think she doesn't enjoy her children or isn't as close to them as someone who has no help. We first had a nanny when I was hospitalized pregnant with baby number three and our nanny stayed on, from two days a week to pretty much full time. I know before I had a nanny, I would have probably rolled my eyes a bit at a SAHM who had one. It is a huge luxury, it affords me the luxury to take my older children to and from school without dragging a baby around who should be taking his nap. While this woman might be awful, having a nanny and prioritizing herself for some things alone does not make her shallow or selfish. Working out is a good thing, something that if you have time is hard work and good for your long term health, not something I would judge someone about. I just started, and hate it! While I don't get making the choice to not breast feed just because you don't like it, when you have the ability to be home and do it, since I think the benefits are huge and though it is hard, hard, hard at first, it is worth it, I wouldn't not be friends with someone on that basis. I am the one who gets my now two year old down for a nap, nursing him every single day, but our nanny makes it possible for me to then go do pick-up for the other two kids. I don't hang out all day with my friends or shopping or getting mani/pedis on a standing basis. You might not be close friends with this woman, but it sounds like she asks your opinion on things, one sign she is not just all about her. I would try and be friendly and if you want a housekeeper and can afford it, get one. I can't imagine my husband second guessing that choice at all, picky or not, but it isn't her fault you are making different choices. For all you know, she might think you are being a martyr with not getting any help when you can afford it. Maybe going out as couples would be fun? Wacky can be fun or you can have stories like the tales of the Jones' . . . :)

[elektra]

A) Your DH sounds like he is being controlling and maybe even emotionally abusive by accusing you of being jealous, especially if you want housework help but he is not "allowing" that to happen. Also, I always hope that my DH gets along with the DH's of girlfriends of mine, but I wouldn't push for him to be good friends with someone he was not connecting with. And I would expect that he wouldn't do that to me either.
Maybe I am off here, but that's what I was reading here.
B) There is a reason for the "you can't judge a book by its cover" saying. I have had a somewhat similar situation where I was hesitant to become friendly with the mom of a boy that DD became friends with at school. She seemed rich, I knew she was a SAHM, blah blah, but I got over my own preconceived notions and all was not what I expected once we started doing playdates and chatting. She was older than I thought and she had married her DH after she had worked a long time in her career, had her DS in her mid 40's and was just ready to be a SAHM. I have no idea if she breastfed her DS or not but I do know that she golfs and uses sitters a lot. But I ended up really clicking with her.
It happened to DH too when he became friends with a the boyfriend of a friend of mine when we all lived in Santa Barbara. On paper you would think the guy would be a total prick (insanely rich, had a house on the water in Montecito (Oprah's neighborhood), came from money, had an obnoxious group of other rich guy friends. But he was actually a really great guy, and he and DH really hit it off.
C) Is this a work friend of your DH's? if I am wrong about A) above maybe your DH is just wanted to keep a positive work connection with the DH which includes socializing as a couple. I know I am sort of required to do this to some degree. Although, DH would never expect me to do things outside of being friendly at a work-type function. For instance I can't see him encouraging me to spend time with just the DW if he knew I couldn't stand the woman or didn't have anything in common with her.
So if it was me, I would give it the old college try as someone suggested upthread and then if it doesn't work out, then it doesn't work out. If your DH has a problem with that then I feel like that is something you probably want to think harder about.

[niccig]

You don't have to like everyone. But if some of your dislike is because she has more help, and you can afford more help, then get some more help. You don't have to have a full-time nanny. A house cleaner every other week and a babysitter a few hours a week, may be more than enough to help you out.

No one needs to be a matyr.

If you've tried to like her, but your personalities don't mesh, then tell your DH you tried. If he keeps pushing, then I would want to know what his problem is and why he thinks he can tell you who to be friends with. You don't have to be BFFs to go out as couples. You might actually find that you get along fine when it's the 4 of you.

[Globetrotter]

I get what OP is saying. She and the other wife (OW) have drastically different lifestyles, and it sounds like OW is a "taker." Perhaps OP is a bit resentful of that, maybe a bit jealous of her lifestyle, but IMO they just seem to have little in common.

I've seen close friends drift apart when they have drastically different parenting styles. It's happened to me with one of my BFFs, and I know other folks who have gone through that.

OW may (or may not) have something like PPD or a health reason that precludes her taking care of her kids, but it's entirely possible that she just prefers to live that way (maybe she grew up in a country where HER mother had unlimited help, as I know is true of wealthy Asian/Indian families). Her choice, but no reason for OP to force a friendship.

OP, why not give it a chance and get to really know her, but don't force it if it's not there. DH doesn't really click with one of my BFF's dh's (same one, in fact) but I've learned to let it go and so should your dh.

[MamaInMarch]

:yeahthat: Ditto this! I'm surprised that so many are taking this post so personally. I do not seek out friendships with women who I have very little in common with, esp with parenting and value differences. So, I understand where you are coming from and I think it's ok for you to feel this way. It would be worse if you acted fake to her and was her, "friend," just out of obligation.

This for sure. Of everything she said, all of a sudden the responses were "yeah, you're judgey - I didn't like breastfeeding either and I'm a nice person".

I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding but the thing that stood out to me most is that she leaves the baby with a nanny all the time and the kid at daycare til 6 everyday so she can basically exist the way someone would pre-kids. Most people I know put their kids in daycare or with a caregiver because they have to do so. And are eager to get their kids immediately after work unless it's an occasional day to themselves for some restorative time. And I don't think there is anything wrong with working, even if finances don't dictate it. Not everyone does best as a SAHM and I would be a miserable failure as a WOHM.

There is no way I could be friends with someone the OP described and if that makes me judgey, so be it.

[Calmegja2]

At my advanced age *creak* I have learned that it is okay to be judgmental at times. Our judgment is there for discernment- and in this situation - she is judging that it is not a match. The OP described a type of mom personality ( and it isn't about breast or bottle) that isn't a match. People have chosen not to be friends over far less.

Life is short. If you generally trust your instincts, and feel comfortable knowing this woman isn't someone you desire a friendship with ( no matter what reasons you give here)- then I say it is okay to gracefully step away.

[daisymommy]

Oh good Lord.
If someone said I was jealous of a woman like that I would snort, them slap them ;)
Sounds like you two are just on opposite planets, and I would not at all feel bad saying you guys don't click and it's not going to work. I'm sure she has other friends, it's not like shes lonely sitting at home and needs company. Don't worry about it!

[TwinFoxes]

Here's an interesting piece on judgmental vs discerning (from several years ago):
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201105/dont-be-judgmental-be-discerning

From the article:

So, how is discerning different from judgmental?
...A judgmental person is precisely the kind to go beyond discerning differences in people's abilities to making inferences about their overall worthiness. To a judgmental person, a bad singer is inferior not just on the dimension of singing, but is inferior on the more fundamental dimension of being human as well.

I think on several posters part it's not discernment, but judgment that the other mom is not a good person based on some pretty superficial things. I don't think everyone should be friends, and there are certainly people I don't click with, and I don't get OP's DH's insistence she be friends with this woman. But I also am not the type to close the door on friendship based on things like nannies vs no nannies, or heels vs Keens, or clunker vs BMW.

[artvandalay]

We tend to be friends with people we relate to. I don't think the op is intending to be judgmental. These two women just have nothing in common. The non-breastfeeding really isn't a major issue (I bf both kids for an extended time) but the fact that this Mom spends little time actually caring for her children even though she is technically a SAHM is the real factor on why there is no connection. I understand people need help at times but it sounds like this Mom is not spending much time with her kids. These two women have different priorities. .

I agree with this. Also I think it is weird that your husband is pushing a friendship on you.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Oh good Lord.
If someone said I was jealous of a woman like that I would snort, them slap them ;)
Sounds like you two are just on opposite planets, and I would not at all feel bad saying you guys don't click and it's not going to work. I'm sure she has other friends, it's not like shes lonely sitting at home and needs company. Don't worry about it!

I was going to say the same thing- I am just not jealous of her. Sure, maybe a day or 2 like that every so often would be nice but it isn't a lifestyle choice I long for at all.

[wellyes]

From the OP:
I told Dh that I don't feel like hanging out with her and he said that I was jealous of her. I may on the part that I would love to have help on the housework. I love to taking care of my kids myself and love being around them.Hire a cleaning lady! It will make your life better, there is absolutely no question. There is nothing immoral about hiring services to make your life better. It will take time away from stuff you don't like, and give time to what you do (attention to the kids).

[almostmom]

If it was me, I'd have a lot of trouble hanging out with this woman. Might I be jealous? Sure! About some of the things - to have some of my days free to exercise and get things done - that would be amazing. But I don't think I'd connect with someone who chose to have her child at daycare until dinnertime every day without working. I don't see that as an ideal situation, and if I didn't have to do it, I wouldn't do it. If I had all the money in the world, I would definitely have not worked, but gotten help for some of the days. But that seems extreme. And I say this as a working parent whose kids have gone to daycare since they were 3 months old! But now they don't go until 5:30 every day, and that is a financial sacrifice I am making (and able to make, I know) to spend more time with them. My kids and family are such an important part of my thoughts and life, it would be weird to spend a lot of time with someone who actively avoided that responsibility!

I understand your rush to conclusions with breastfeeding - I've done that myself at times, when people who seemingly could have done it didn't even try (I have a cousin like that), not when it didn't work well. But it is good to remember there are other reasons people don't, or can't, do it.

In your situation, I would suck it up and be nice to this woman when you all hang out as couples, or when you run into her, but just be too busy to make an effort to support a growing friendship.

I will add that you can always keep the doors of friendship open, and you may be surprised one day. But it doesn't sound like that has happened thus far.

[jjjo1112]

I think the situation you are describing is totally different. You have mulitple children and have a nanny to help you- this woman has a full time nanny for the baby and then sends her other child to daycare every day all day- completely different.
I have a nanny part-time 1 day each week for while I'm home- I use that time to run errands, meet friends or spend 1:1 time with a child, but the rest of the time that I am home with the kids.
Much of my socialization with other moms occurs during the day with my kids- playdates, meeting friends at the beach, park, playspaces, etc. I'm not sure when I would even have the time to develop a friendship with someone that doesn't spend anytime with their children during the day as my weekends are usually family time.
Be nice to her when you see her and carry on with your own friends :)


And this is why I don't advertise that we have a nanny and she even lived in until we decided we didn't like that arrangement! :) I wouldn't be so quick to think she doesn't enjoy her children or isn't as close to them as someone who has no help. We first had a nanny when I was hospitalized pregnant with baby number three and our nanny stayed on, from two days a week to pretty much full time. I know before I had a nanny, I would have probably rolled my eyes a bit at a SAHM who had one. It is a huge luxury, it affords me the luxury to take my older children to and from school without dragging a baby around who should be taking his nap. While this woman might be awful, having a nanny and prioritizing herself for some things alone does not make her shallow or selfish. Working out is a good thing, something that if you have time is hard work and good for your long term health, not something I would judge someone about. I just started, and hate it! While I don't get making the choice to not breast feed just because you don't like it, when you have the ability to be home and do it, since I think the benefits are huge and though it is hard, hard, hard at first, it is worth it, I wouldn't not be friends with someone on that basis. I am the one who gets my now two year old down for a nap, nursing him every single day, but our nanny makes it possible for me to then go do pick-up for the other two kids. I don't hang out all day with my friends or shopping or getting mani/pedis on a standing basis. You might not be close friends with this woman, but it sounds like she asks your opinion on things, one sign she is not just all about her. I would try and be friendly and if you want a housekeeper and can afford it, get one. I can't imagine my husband second guessing that choice at all, picky or not, but it isn't her fault you are making different choices. For all you know, she might think you are being a martyr with not getting any help when you can afford it. Maybe going out as couples would be fun? Wacky can be fun or you can have stories like the tales of the Jones' . . . :)

[Calmegja2]

Here's an interesting piece on judgmental vs discerning (from several years ago):
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sapient-nature/201105/dont-be-judgmental-be-discerning

From the article:

So, how is discerning different from judgmental?
...A judgmental person is precisely the kind to go beyond discerning differences in people's abilities to making inferences about their overall worthiness. To a judgmental person, a bad singer is inferior not just on the dimension of singing, but is inferior on the more fundamental dimension of being human as well.

I think on several posters part it's not discernment, but judgment that the other mom is not a good person based on some pretty superficial things. I don't think everyone should be friends, and there are certainly people I don't click with, and I don't get OP's DH's insistence she be friends with this woman. But I also am not the type to close the door on friendship based on things like nannies vs no nannies, or heels vs Keens, or clunker vs BMW.

That is interesting reading on that writer's personal definition of judgmental, thanks. :) The dictionary definition of judgment, first usage, calls it making a considered decision/sensible conclusion. I will stick with that usage.

I still stand by what I said. I can judge people and situations ( and not go as far to the wall as that article states about their overall worthiness as humans- that is ridiculous ), and trust myself to recognize an ill fit.

I think the OP has done the same. She isn't condemning the woman as a human being. She is saying it's not a match.

[Calmegja2]

I agree with this. Also I think it is weird that your husband is pushing a friendship on you.

I agree with this, too. And his jealousy comment is unsettling. That would be where I would want an answer.

[JoyNChrist]

I've been reading this thread with interest, and I'm just going to say that, judgmental or not, life is too short to devote already limited time to friendships with people you don't really like. Regardless of whether your reasons are valid or not...you don't like the woman. You aren't going to go out of your way to be rude to her, you just don't want to hang out. No harm, no foul.

[wellyes]

You are right that my world and hers are not completely opposite. We are in similar financial status; however, we choose on living life, child caring, and parenting differently. We can also afford a live-in nanny but I love to care for my kids myself. I would love to have help on the housework but Dh is very picky on whom we hire even the cleaning lady. I have been looking for a good one for a while.

I guess I will give it another try and just ignore what she does with her kids. After all, they are hers not mine.

Just saw this and can I be judgey for a minute? If my DH did not 'let' me hire a cleaning lady due to HIS pickiness, despite me wanting one, I would:
1. Tell him fine then YOU do the cleaning !
2. Go have cocktails with the Real Housewife that he wants me to bond with, while he watches the kids. And cleans.

[Kindra178]

Frankly, I don't even know when you guys would have time to hang out. Moms usually hang out with kids present. But since she doesn't have kids to care for, I can't imagine she would come over for an afternoon glass of wine by herself? Just tell your dh your schedules simply do not coordinate, and that's that.

[DebbieJ]

DH has finally realized that we shouldn't force a relationship with his friend and his wife. They are childfree by choice, so taking our two boys to their house is a disaster. I just don't have much in common with the wife, so making small talk with her while the guys have their own conversation is excruciating.

The guys are now content to have their own guys nights and that's fine by everyone!

[Globetrotter]

OP, I too am a little annoyed at your dh for not "letting" you hire a cleaner.

Next time he brings up this woman, mention that it won't work out because she has full time child care, household help, etc… and has time to meet without kids, whereas you don't.

[citymama]

I've been reading this thread with interest, and I'm just going to say that, judgmental or not, life is too short to devote already limited time to friendships with people you don't really like. Regardless of whether your reasons are valid or not...you don't like the woman. You aren't going to go out of your way to be rude to her, you just don't want to hang out. No harm, no foul.

:yeahthat: I totally agree with this. I am surprised by all the pushback about whether the OP is judgmental or not. And so what if she is? Aren't we all in our relationships in one way or the other? If the lady with the FT nanny and housecleaners told her DH she didn't want to hang out with someone she "judged" to be a BFing earth mama, I would say the same thing: you shouldn't be forced to make friends or hang out with someone you don't like.

[TwinFoxes]

I am surprised by all the pushback about whether the OP is judgmental or not. And so what if she is?

Well, she did ask. If she didn't want honest opinions there's always the BP.

[Nicsmom]

Well, I think I'd have a hard time finding a lot in common with her. It sounds like your days are mostly about taking care of your kids and hers aren't. It doesn't mean a friendship is impossible, but it does sound like there isn't a lot of common ground at the moment. It also sounds like you have made some effort to get to know her and you just haven't clicked. IMO that's fine. Not everyone clicks.

Catherine

:yeahthat: I also agree with those who have said that some of the responses have been rather harsh. When you are making new friends you are trying to find common ground and it seems that the op has not found it yet. She's not saying she is a horrible person, but that she is very different from her. I get that. And for a SAHM trying to be friends with another SAHM is key to find SOME similarities in their parenting style. There are none here, I believe. Unless there is something else that could make you connect with her, I would not continue trying to be friends.

[niccig]

. I am surprised by all the pushback about whether the OP is judgmental or not. .

The OP mentioned 2 hot button issues between mothers - putting kids in daycare and breastfeeding. If she had used other examples of the disconnect between her and this women, the responses would have been different.

I also don't buy that parenting issues don't get in the way of friendships. We've had many a post here of someone saying a friend is too strict, too permissive and it is impacting the friendship because of conflicts when the kids get together. Often the response is, just get together when the kids aren't there. And it sounds like the OP has her kids a lot of the time, and this women has a lot of kid-free time, so getting together with her without the kids, probably isn't going to work. I used to SAHM and got together for playdates all the time with other SAHMs. Now that I'm back in school, I don't see them as much as they still get together during school hours. Schedule mismatch alone can make it difficult to start a friendship. It's easier to maintain an existing friendship, but even then, friendships die when it's a very different lifestyle. I rarely see friends who don't have kids.

The reference to Housewives of...makes me think of ladies that lunch, that shop, that go to they gym, that spend a lot of time decorating their houses and a lot of drama mixed in with all of these activities. The women on those shows are so over the top about everything, it's not your run of the mill going to the Y, or hosting a dinner party. If this is the case then the OP probably doesn't have a lot in common to discuss with this woman.

They don't have to be friends. And her reasons are her own. As the DH's are friends, they can get together, or they can do things as families. But nothing says the OP and this women need to be best buds.

[moonsky]

They don't have to be friends. And her reasons are her own. As the DH's are friends, they can get together, or they can do things as families. But nothing says the OP and this women need to be best buds.

I feel like wasting my time seeing them. I have never learnt anything from them. On the other hand, they always said they learnt something new every time they saw us. It is totally different when hanging out with other friends as we exchanged info and learned from each other.

I guess meeting them one or two times a year wouldn't hurt. But I am annoyed that Dh would like to get together with them almost every two weeks. I have other people who I'd rather spend my time with.

[AnnieW625]

I feel like wasting my time seeing them. I have never learnt anything from them. On the other hand, they always said they learnt something new every time they saw us. It is totally different when hanging out with other friends as we exchanged info and learned from each other.

I guess meeting them one or two times a year wouldn't hurt. But I am annoyed that Dh would like to get together with them almost every two weeks. I have other people who I'd rather spend my time with.

Well it seems like since that they have learned things from you that they value your friendship, but I hear what you are saying. If it were me I would probably not close the door yet, but again I have never had an easy time making friends so I wouldn't be taking opportunities to spend time with others for granted.

[elektra]

I feel like wasting my time seeing them. I have never learnt anything from them. On the other hand, they always said they learnt something new every time they saw us. It is totally different when hanging out with other friends as we exchanged info and learned from each other.

I guess meeting them one or two times a year wouldn't hurt. But I am annoyed that Dh would like to get together with them almost every two weeks. I have other people who I'd rather spend my time with.

Well it sounds like you have spent a lot of time with her already, which wasn't totally clear based on your previous posts.
I think you would be doing both of yourselves (the woman and yourself) a favor by not continuing to see her, as it is not fair to you to have to spend time with someone you have tried to click with and just haven't. It is also not fair for her to spend time with someone (you) who feels that their time is being wasted when she is around.

Hopefully your DH will respect everyone involved and the two of you can figure out a solution that works for both you and your DH.

[megs4413]

I'm Ok with being judgmental when it comes to choosing your friends. we are ALL judging whether or not we could hang out with people. Come on, be real folks!

I don't like this chick and I've never met her. I don't care about the bf'ing stuff, that's a super personal issue. I do, however, know that I would have NOTHING in common with someone who put her kid in full time care so that she could work out. I've put my kids in the daycare at the gym for an hour or two hours so I could work out. Totally reasonable, IMO, and dare I say even a healthy example. But (here's me being judgmental) unless she has a serious problem with obesity and really needs full time care in order to get her health right, i cannot possibly imagine stomaching someone who'd rather obsess over themselves than be a mother. Flame away!

[zephyr]

:yeahthat: I completely agree with everything you've said, Megs.