How long pp until you allow extended stay guests?

[MSWR0319]

DH just informed me that SIL/BIL/family will be coming to visit no more than a month after DC#2 is born, depending on when I go into labor. They will be staying at FIL's but that just means they sleep there. They are always at our house, expect us to feed them, etc and this also means that MIL will be staying with us. That means that she won't be helping out us, but instead catering to SIL who has a full time staff for every aspect of her life. I'm not going to say they can't come because we don't see them often, as they live far away, but am I in the wrong to feel a little upset about this? I just see where this will go. They don't respect our schedules at all, they do what they want and ask us or MIL to doit for them. They have to be entertained and if I'm only 2 weeks pp I'm pretty sure I won't be up for long jaunts out of the house. I'm trying to not get too worked up about this now, I've still got a few months, I just know how this will go. Is it ok if I set visitation times? (I.e. not staying at our house being loud until 12,etc)

[ABO Mama]

Well, I would be upset. Having a helpful guest is one thing, but being expected to cater to their needs is crazy with a newborn. Can you talk to your DH at all? Can they delay their visit until a time that would be more enjoyable for everyone?

[mikala]

I'd be upset too and it's perfectly within reason to set boundaries even when it's not in the fourth trimester. With this timing it's even more important for your sanity. You need a chance to rest, recover, bond with your baby and adjust to this new change in your lives.

I'm always confused when extended relatives want to come visit so close to a birth. At that stage the newborn is cuddly but isn't really interactive at all. It's much more fun and relaxed for everyone after baby starts smiling and interacting.

Since they're DH's family he should be responsible for doing the talking after the two of you work out some ground rules.

[amldaley]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I would say at a gross minimum, 6 week pp. But in all honesty, I think a couple of months! You need a couple of weeks to recover, set your self in to a good routine, etc. You will have your hands full and they have no business expecting anything from you at that stage. As pp mentioned...4th trimester. I don't want anyone in our space for the first 3 months.

Will they have kids in tow, too?

I agree with pp that this is something your DH may be better off conveying to them.

Maybe something along the lines of, "While we are excited to see everyone, we will only be able to host dinner or lunch on such and such a day as we will still be getting in to our own routine and schedule with {insert baby name here}. We won't be able to do our normal hosting and hanging out this time around."

[Mopey]

Maybe something along the lines of, "While we are excited to see everyone, we will only be able to host dinner or lunch on such and such a day as we will still be getting in to our own routine and schedule with {insert baby name here}. We won't be able to do our normal hosting and hanging out this time around."

:yeahthat:

It is easiest that way I believe. I feel for you as I have a little bit the same thing - BIL & SIL will come with two kids. They won't stay with us but of course we know they will expect to come over every day for the long weekend, etc. and therefore bring all the ILs, who do expect to be waited on (they are the most hopped up about this baby and even want to know the moment I'm in labor so they can get in the car! that will not be happening obviously!). It can really nip things in the bud if you two figure out what you want and then how to convey it with words. I plan on letting them know that they can come say hello (if they really must) but there cannot be extended hours or lots of little hands all over the newborn.

And I agree as well that it would be most fun for everyone after the first month or more. Hang in there mama!

[BabyBearsMom]

Ugh sounds awful! When I am pp, I make it very clear that you aren't guests in my house, you are assistants. You are more than welcome to be here, but you will take care of all of your own needs and help me. That is the price of being there. If yuo don't like it, there are lovely hotels in the vicinity.

[Clarity]

Well, we had my MIL, BIL, SIL visiting when dd1 was just 1week pp. It wasn't the best situation but I did make them all stay in a hotel, even MIL.
You, or your dh, need to communicate that the family is welcome to visit but that you will not be a hostess, that you would appreciate it if they could help YOU by making lunches, dinners, etc. Be kind but firm. You should not have to entertain anyone when you have a 2 wk old in the house.

[Jenn850]

Well, we had my MIL, BIL, SIL visiting when dd1 was just 1week pp. It wasn't the best situation but I did make them all stay in a hotel, even MIL.
You, or your dh, need to communicate that the family is welcome to visit but that you will not be a hostess, that you would appreciate it if they could help YOU by making lunches, dinners, etc. Be kind but firm. You should not have to entertain anyone when you have a 2 wk old in the house.

I would be very clear way before they make plans solid. Just politely put it in their lap. That you obviously won't be up to hosting properly, but would love to see them, and would actually love the help if they are up for it. If aren't up to task and they would like to wait for you to recover you would happily understand. What if something goes unexpectedly and you have a section? I am scheduled for one, and am also scheduling in laws and the like to take care of me! I will be expecting them to cook for me etc. Can you make a joke of it? I don't have a staff like "IL" so would love for you to come and be mine! I have ordered a silver bell on amazon. Whatever it is, I think making all expectations as clear as possible well before hand is a good way of avoiding surprise and conflict later.

[MSWR0319]

I would be very clear way before they make plans solid. Just politely put it in their lap. That you obviously won't be up to hosting properly, but would love to see them, and would actually love the help if they are up for it. If aren't up to task and they would like to wait for you to recover you would happily understand. What if something goes unexpectedly and you have a section? I am scheduled for one, and am also scheduling in laws and the like to take care of me! I will be expecting them to cook for me etc. Can you make a joke of it? I don't have a staff like "IL" so would love for you to come and be mine! I have ordered a silver bell on amazon. Whatever it is, I think making all expectations as clear as possible well before hand is a good way of avoiding surprise and conflict later.

I spoke with DH as soon as he got home from work the day he told me they were coming, and guess what.....they booked the flight before even talking with us. He says they figured it didn't matter since they were sleeping at FIL's. So nice. And The baby is and has been breech for the last two months. So there is a possibility it won't turn and I will have a c-section. MIL will cook while here, but only food IL's like which is usually stuff I don't like. Normally I eat what I like and pick at the rest so as not to make a big deal, but if I'm nursing I want food I like gosh dang it! Not to mention DS has food allergies, which they don't "get", so we'll have to make him a separate meal anyway. I'm going to try and make the best out of the situation but I really don't see it going well as far as people helping us settle in. Hopefully we'll be in a routine when they get here and H stands up for me. I'm sure there'll be a BP come out of this one ;)

[BDKmom]

Hugs to ya on this one. Only thing I can think is try and set time parameters so they aren't there from morning to night. "Visiting hours" so to speak. I know probably easier said than done. Hopefully DH can help. Maybe have DH or a friend pick up a stash of stuff you love (as far as food and snacks) and hide it somewhere. And when all else fails, excuse yourself to your room with the baby to nurse/rest/shower, whatever you can come up with and then just take a really lllooonnnnggg time.

Wishing you all the best with the rest of the preganacy and the PP family visits! Oh, and turn baby, turn!

[amldaley]

I spoke with DH as soon as he got home from work the day he told me they were coming, and guess what.....they booked the flight before even talking with us. He says they figured it didn't matter since they were sleeping at FIL's. So nice. And The baby is and has been breech for the last two months. So there is a possibility it won't turn and I will have a c-section. MIL will cook while here, but only food IL's like which is usually stuff I don't like. Normally I eat what I like and pick at the rest so as not to make a big deal, but if I'm nursing I want food I like gosh dang it! Not to mention DS has food allergies, which they don't "get", so we'll have to make him a separate meal anyway. I'm going to try and make the best out of the situation but I really don't see it going well as far as people helping us settle in. Hopefully we'll be in a routine when they get here and H stands up for me. I'm sure there'll be a BP come out of this one ;)

Ugh. Honestly, you are far more gracious and selfless than I would be in the situation. WHY do they have to be at your house all day, eat meals at your house, be entertained at your house, etc? Why can't they do that at FIL's? Why can't they go out and find something to do?

[Tobermory]

i agree with amldaley. i think this is impossibly insensitive of your ILs... my parents are from germany and came over shortly after birth, and even though they helped it was stressful. can't your hubby talk to them and kinda tell them they can only come over for brief visits? i'd certainly put my foot down... sorry you have to deal with this situation in the first place.

[mctlaw]

On your behalf, I cannot believe the gall of these people! I agree that since they are not staying with you overnight, you can't really dictate their purchase of plane tickets. However, can you expand a little on how it is they get you to cook for them and cater to their every whim?! Because that really should not be happening in this case (if ever!) and maybe we here on the BBB can help you with a little role play.

For example, do they ask you what's for dinner, or say they are sure getting hungry? In the first situation, I would practice a blank stare or laugh hysterically as if the very thought must be a joke. In the latter case, I would say you are hungry as well, ask them to go out and pick you and your DH something, seeing as you have not had a chance to even shower, grocery shop, or do anything for yourself, what with caring for a newborn and all.

Are they simply sitting around your house all day watching tv, or what? I would practice with DH, and have him do most of this, but simply say, well we have really enjoyed seeing you, but we need to nap while baby is napping. If you can give some more details maybe we can come up with something else for you!

[daisymommy]

Oh good golly no. I would have a mental breakdown, freak everyone out, and then they would have to leave ;)

My mom comes in to town the day before my due date, and stays for 2 weeks. BUT that is because she is my dearest friend, a former nurse, and takes care of my entire family and household like a first-class nanny/housekeeper while I sleep, nurse, and recover.

After that, my IL's arrive for a week (but between you and me, I wish they would wait, but they won't). They at least will try to supervise the kids (but are kind of clueless as to how to do that...I just lay on the couch and ignore the ruckus), and will pick up carry-out each night while they are here. They at least *try* even if it's not how I would do things. They would never expect me to entertain them or do things for them.

Honestly, I would force myself to be hands off, and let them deal with it. If they want to come so soon, then just tell them when they arrive "I'm so glad you're here! I could certainly use the help. It's really tough recovering from birth and adjusting to having a brand new baby." Then lay low, and let them entertain themselves. Maybe they will get so bored they will leave the house and go find something else fun to do?

Then when meal time rolls around, just don't say anything. If they say they're hungry, pull out a stack of carryout menus, or tell them where the nearest grocery store is "if they feel like cooking something instead" --hint hint.

It stinks though that they aren't cooking you nice healthy things that you want though. What about some yummy freezer meals that will feed a crowd, but you still like? Like meats & chicken in marinades for the grill, large casserole dishes, etc. Either make them before the baby arrives or pick some up from a dinner kitchen. Then you could say it's all in the freezer, and your DH could direct them to grill/heat it up?

I'm sorry you're putting up with this. Everyone showed up from out of state 1 week after the birth of my first, without our permission!!! I still get ticked off just thinking about it.

[MSWR0319]

Thanks for the commiseration! I definitely will have some meals in the freezer, especially for this visit. I was planning on freezing some for DH, DS, and I, so I'll make sure to have some larger ones in the freezer as well. I've told DH we will be using paper plates,etc which I know will not go over well with MIL, but tough. I've tried talking to DH a bit more about it and he doesn't seem to think its a big deal being pp with so many visitors. He's not one to stand up to his family and doesn't like to ruffle feathers so if he says anything at all to them when I bring something up it'll be a miracle. They really just don't get it. I dont think they're intentionally being inconsiderate. SIL/BIL went away 6 days after having my niece because they needed to "get away" and left her with her 75 yo grandparents. All I can say, is please pray that I have patience!!

[swissair81]

My in laws came from Switzerland after I had my last 2. I couldn't really say no, because my in laws never see my kids. I did stipulate that I wasn't lifting a finger. I put meals in the freezer before and then put DH in charge of everything concerning his parents. It was not. my. problem.

[hillview]

I'd set expectations up front that you won't really be up to hosting and that they should expect that you and the baby need to disappear for a few hours at a time to feed and nap. Sorry that stinks!
/hillary