Playdate or no playdate?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1 has found a group of friends this year but, unfortunately, that group is not so nice to another boy in class. This boy, we'll call him C, really struggles socially. Ds1 has told me that he is the only one in the class nice to C. But, at the same time, ds1 is worried that if he plays with C that people will give him a hard time. C's dad has asked before about playdates and when I mention them to ds1 he says no, in case other kids find out. :( Not that he doesn't want to play with C. C's dad just emailed to do a playdate this weekend and I want to just say yes...poor C could really use some friends and ds1 would have fun. I'll wait till ds1 comes home and ask him but should I kind of force the issue? What do you think?

[wellyes]

Edit -sorry, I misread! Thought you were talking about the younger child. I can't help with the older one, but I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[ett]

I would encourage your DS1 to have the playdate with C. I think this would be a great time to teach your DS about having compassion and being a good friend. And I'm sure C would be thrilled.

Question though, where does your DC observe the other kids not being nice to C. Is it in school or out of school? And would it be considered "bullying"? If it's happening in school, I would be very tempted to bring it up to the school teacher.

I would be very interested in hearing other's opinions on this. My DS1 struggles socially and I can see him being "C". It would totally break my heart if I found out a similar situation was happening in his class.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1 jjust brought one of the potential bullying issues to my attention the other day and asked me how he should approached the teacher. I will check that ds1 did follow up on that conversation with the teacher and will bring it up if he hasn't. I was proud of him when he wanted to know how best to handle it. Until not that long ago, he was kind of like C so I know he really wants to keep the friends he has but also be nice to C. I can remember being in that position- when you want to be cool and it's cool not to like someone.

[sste]

I vote yes. I would draw the line at forcing a close friendship but I think a playdate is a pretty small matter. And I do think by doing this you are modeling grace and compassion.

[egoldber]

Older DD is in almost an identical situation. She has a friend group of 5-6 girls, but recently met and made a new friend (let's call her J). J is pretty socially isolated and quirky. They have had several really fun, amazing playdates. They get along really well. After a couple playdates, DD brought up to me that her other friends think J is "weird" and J has no other friends.

I asked her if she liked J and enjoyed their playdates and she said she does, but that sometimes J's behaviors embarrassed her. We talked about how other kids find her (older DD) weird sometimes and it was good to have friends who could overlook her quirkiness or even like her because of her quirkiness. I said that if she liked J then she should continue being a friend to her. We talked about how it is good to have lots of friends and not all those friends have to be friends with each other.

I think part of this arose because J has started sitting with older DD and her friends at lunch and recess because J doesn't have any other friends to sit with. I am sure that older DD's other friends are not necessarily excited about adding this girl to the group. It will be interesting to see how this all plays out, because older DD and at least one her other friends are what could charitably be considered highly quirky.

[SnuggleBuggles]

It's so hard, isnt it?

I was at school volunteering today and the kids were out of the room so the teacher and I talked about it. She had some good ideas and really understood what was going. Hopefully we can all get to a good place. I'll talk to ds1 about it later.

[niccig]

Ds1 jjust brought one of the potential bullying issues to my attention the other day and asked me how he should approached the teacher. I will check that ds1 did follow up on that conversation with the teacher and will bring it up if he hasn't.

I might still mention it to the teacher, even if DS did. We had a situation back in preschool, and DS wasn't old enough to mention it. I talked with the teachers, telling them what DS had told me about how one of the boys was treated, and that it upset DS to see this happen.

I think it can give more weight, if there's more than 1 parent, 1 child saying there's something going on.

As for the playdate, I think you need to ask what is happening at school. Your DS can't have fun at a playdate and then ignore C when he's around he's other friends - that will hurt C. Social interactions are so tricky. It does sound like your DS is a good friend, and is concerned about how C is being treated.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Ds1 said he'd go. :)

[waver]

May I ask, what sort of ideas did your DC1's child suggest?

[bisous]

Yay for your DS! I'd be so proud of him if I were you!

I know we don't have many details here but I'd be wary of your DS' new friends. If they are mean to some outlying kids, they'll be mean to him too. This isn't true all the time, but I'd try to steer him towards some nicer kids or at least try to get a better picture of what the dynamics are within this friend group.