How to explain mean kid to DD??

[babyonway]

My mom (watches my DD during the day) took DD to My Gym today and DD was in a big bin of plastic balls and there was another boy in the bin with her and she was waving at him and saying "Hi" and he was staring at her then he picked up a ball and threw it in her face.

DD was upset but didn't cry but had a really sad look on her face and almost did until my mom consoled her. The boys mother was totally embarressed and apologized for her sons behavior.

My question is what should my mom have said about the boys behavior. My DD is a sweet angel (I of course am biased :love5: ) but I don't want her to learn mean behavior. If this happens again how should the situation be handled?

TIA for any help and guidance!

[crl]

I gotta say I don't think that one incident makes the other kid a mean kid. They alllll do things like that at some point. I would not label the other child to mine, but just say something like, "oh, that wasn't very nice; are you okay?". And then move on. I think one of the best things we can do for our kids is model and help them learn letting go of minor stuff. (Something I am not very good at myself, but that I hope I am modeling for my kids.)

Catherine

[wellyes]

I agree,mI don't think it is a big deal.
When other kids do mean things, dd asks me about it, and I usually say something like " that girl is being naughty, she must need a nap " or "well, he seems grumpy. remember when you were mad this morning? I hope he gets happier soon", stuff like that.

[babyonway]

Oh I agree not necessarily saying the boy is generally mean, sorry not at all what I meant but I did want help in explaining mean behavior as I don't want her to learn it and think it is okay to be mean.

[dec756]

my kid is the 'mean' kid and i was just coming to post about what to do with him! he is sweet, but also complusive and very aggressive. i feel like i am always apologizing for his behavior (biting, hitting, kicking, throwing, etc)

[crl]

Oh I agree not necessarily saying the boy is generally mean, sorry not at all what I meant but I did want help in explaining mean behavior as I don't want her to learn it and think it is okay to be mean.

I think the quick, "oh that wasn't nice" covers it.
Catherine

[sste]

I always say, "X is still learning how to (whatever) play without hurting" or whatever it is.

I also have used this about a child of a friend who has said some mean things to DS. DS was talking to me about it afterwards and I told him, "X is still learning how to talk to other kids and be a nice friend. You are already pretty great at that."

I think when your kid gets older to the extent they might feel picked on or perceive it as their problem, the "X is still learning" empowers the "victim" a little and highlights his or her strengths and reframes the dynamic from "I have been picked on" to "I am further along in my social skills than X who is still learning." Which is accurate. And it doesn't label the other kid forever more!

[hillview]

At that age without any other dynamic going on I'd assume the other kid was trying to play catch and was too close. I'd just ignore it or say oops, I think he wants to play catch, let's roll the ball. Or oops, that was a mistake.

[brittone2]

I tell my kids "X is still learning how to play with other kids."

The other child may have wanted to play with your DD but didn't have the social skills to join in. I wasn't there, but sometimes the other kid may do something like chuck the ball at her as a way of interacting with her. At that age not all of the kids have the maturity and social skills to join in or play nicely with one another.

[123LuckyMom]

I completely agree with sste's response! The child who threw the ball may have been shy. You don't know why he behaved as he did, but your concern is to help your DD know that she's okay even though that happened to her and that she doesn't need to behave that way just because some other child did. Explaining that the other child is still learning but that she already knows that skill boosts her confidence and accompolishes both of your aims. It's a perfect response!

[Melaine]

I agree that sste's response is brilliant!

I also minimize the incident and move on. Sometimes I might use the opportunity to talk about how something makes you feel. I might say that having a ball thrown at you hurts and makes you sad. Other kids might feel the same way when you refuse to say "hi" to them or tell them your name (an issue we struggle with with my DDs). It's all about the learning experience.

[sste]

Well, it was likely that I read a book Brittone rec'd to me since I noticed she posted the same thing after me and probably, oh, 80% of my child-rearing practices come from Brittone or Egoldberg or books or resources they have rec'd! :) I am very lucky to have you all.

[brittone2]

Well, it was likely that I read a book Brittone rec'd to me since I noticed she posted the same thing after me and probably, oh, 80% of my child-rearing practices come from Brittone or Egoldberg or books or resources they have rec'd! :) I am very lucky to have you all.
I think you have hit the point where you have plenty of expertise to lend to all of us here :)

[lil_acorn]

I always say, "X is still learning how to (whatever) play without hurting" or whatever it is.

I also have used this about a child of a friend who has said some mean things to DS. DS was talking to me about it afterwards and I told him, "X is still learning how to talk to other kids and be a nice friend. You are already pretty great at that."

I think when your kid gets older to the extent they might feel picked on or perceive it as their problem, the "X is still learning" empowers the "victim" a little and highlights his or her strengths and reframes the dynamic from "I have been picked on" to "I am further along in my social skills than X who is still learning." Which is accurate. And it doesn't label the other kid forever more!

I think this is a wonderful response. We have been using it with our kids too. My ds does have issues with impulsivity that gets him in trouble so he is learning to make good choices. There is another child in his room that has bigger issues with him. A year ago, I would have been less empathetic, but now we explain that the other child is also learning proper skills too (i.e. listening, staying in seat), just like he is trying to learn how to follow directions and make good decisions.