S/O age difference with spouse

[Globetrotter]

From the other thread about having kids, I noticed a number of us have significant age differences with our spouses (I'll define that as over five years). Does the age difference affect your relationship? Do you have any regrets?

I have a seven year difference and I think it's worked for the most part, though he has a tendency to be "holier than thou" on some things and likes to lecture me on those, something that makes me crazy :6:. I also think he would have liked to have kids earlier, but he never voiced that and I wasn't ready before 30.

On the flip side, he was doing well professionally by the time we had #1, so we were able to buy a nice house in our high COL area. He also takes care of himself and has aged well (certainly did look very young when we met so I had no idea of the age difference until later!). He's also very playful most of the time, which is a must for me. Life is already so serious..

I still feel a smaller difference would have been better, but I think it's workable.

[ChristinaLucia]

15 months apart here!

[khalloc]

DH is 3.5 years older than me

[larig]

DH 4.5 years younger than I. We met when I was 30. Had kiddo when I was 38. (I was the one not ready).

[trales]

DH is 10 years older than me and it works just great. It has never been an issue.

[cindys]

DH is 10yrs younger than I am...

Its worked out perfectly so far...We will be married 10 yrs in Oct.

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...20, 5 & 3 :love-retry::love-retry::love-retry:

[baymom]

DH is only 2 weeks (literally 14 days) older than me. I think up to a 10-12 year age difference isn't a big deal at all, as long as the personalities work together, though.

[crl]

I am nearly a year older than dh. We met and married in our mid-twenties, so really no age difference here.

Catherine

[BabyBearsMom]

I am 11 months older than DH so no real age difference.

[Tondi G]

My hubby is a year and a half older than me. It's always been fine.

[BabyDahl]

I am 5 months older than DH, but we are 4 years "apart" in schooling. When we met, he was just starting grad school as I was doing my residency, so we were dating while he was a student working towards the type of job that I already held. It was an interesting dynamic for the few years where I taught some of the types of rotations he was on, although we only actually overlapped one day (which wasn't good).

[twowhat?]

DH is ten years older than I am. It has worked out fine once we got past my parents and their inital freak-out. It also helps that he looks nowhere close to his actual age and people assume he's my age or just a couple years older.

He was more advanced in career than I was when we got married so I do think that enabled us to be able to purchase a home sooner and things like that. The only times I've really thought about him being that much older is that he just gets tired more easily than I do and is "lazier" i.e. if there is downtime, he sits down to read or play on his computer while I keep moving to try to get ahead on things that have piled up, like laundry. But that might be more a personality difference.

I do freak out every now and then when I remember that he will most likely die WAY before I do.

[AnnieW625]

DH is 2 yrs. 9 mos. older than me. I have always been attracted to older guys, and had I not met DH when I had just turned 20 I could have easily been comfortable dating someone who was 10 to 12 yrs. older than me in my mid 20s. Most people usually thought I was older than I was anyways because I wasn't one of those crazy girls gone wild types in my early 20s. DH studied engineering and worked 20 to 25 hrs. a week while he was in college so I actually graduated a year before he did although he graduated from high school three years before I did.

[MommyofAmaya]

DH 4.5 years younger than I. We met when I was 30. Had kiddo when I was 38. (I was the one not ready).

I'm older than DH too. 3 years.

[jgenie]

DH is 8 years older than I am. He looks younger than his age otherwise I wouldn't have been interested. My DH was already well established professionally when we met which meant we were able to buy a house in a high COL area right after we married. He tends to be tired but that probably is a combo of his age and his work schedule.

[theriviera]

DH is 6.5 years older than me. He was doing very well in his career when we got married so we were able to buy a home in a HCOL area in what turned out to be a very low point in the market. That enabled us to get into the house we are in now. If we had been the same age there is no way we could have afforded it.

The flip side is that because he is 7 years ahead of me career wise, I will never make as much as him (we have similar careers). there seems to be this implicit understanding that I will take on more of the "life management" things like all things kids related and house related b/c of that. He does tons and tons with the kids and helps around the house but the things that keep us going day to day fall on me. Most of the time I don't mind but right now, it sucks. I'm totally overwhelmed at work - there aren't enough hours in the day to get my work done and keep things running smoothly at home.

[JTsMom]

DH is 10 years older than me. We've been married for 8.5 years, and it's just now a slight issue. I would like another baby, he feels like he's too old (almost 48). 10 years ago, it didn't seem like a big deal, but now the differences are starting to come out.

[klwa]

7 1/2 months here.

[YouAreTheFocus]

I am 1 month, 2 days older than dh.

[boolady]

DH is 6 years and 2 months older than me. I really don't think anything of it anymore, honestly. When we were first dating, and I was 25, him being 6 years older sounded like a lot to me, but it hasn't proven to feel that way.

[maestramommy]

dh is 2 years older. he was professionally established a lot longer than me though.

My parents are almost 13 years apart, and I think it had a bit to do with their relational difficulties. But there were other reasons so I wouldn't call it defining.

[lucybabymamma]

DH and I are only 4 months apart and love it -- we have similar memories growing up, think the same things are funny and were ready for the new phases in our lives about the same time.
Both my parents remarried people 20 years different (my dad -- 20 years younger -- yikes, and mom -- 20 years older, also yikes). That is way too much a difference IMO.

[hillview]

DH is 10 years older than I am and it is not a thing at all. He is in great athletic shape and super fun. I do sometimes think about life in 20-30 years but well life happens!

[elliput]

DH and I are 2 months 13 days apart so we graduated HS the same year, etc. He was much more in tune to pop culture when younger, so it is nice to have someone to fall back on when those references come up. Of course, this does lead to the "how can you not remember that" comments also.

[essnce629]

I'm a year older than DBF so not a significant difference.

[georgiegirl]

Dh is 6 weeks older than me

My sister married a man 15 years older

[KLD313]

I'm two months older than my BF.

It's funny this was posted because I was going to start the same thread based in what a friend told me. My 45 yo friend recently married a 28 yo girl and now he's saying he made a mistake and shes too young. He thinks there is a huge generation gap and that shes too needy and wants to try to change him. I think it depends more on the people and less on the actual age.

[hellokitty]

My DH is only 2 yrs older than me.

[mctlaw]

I am one month and one day older than DH.

[mom3boys]

DH is 7.5 years older than me. When we first met and I was 25 and he was 32 I worried about it a bit. I had never dated anyone more than a couple of years older than me, it didn't help that on our first date (the date was a whole weekend) we went to his married friend's house in the suburbs and hung out with them and their new baby. I was like "hmm, I guess this is what old people do". I was still staying out until 3 am with my girlfriends!

However DH being a little older and more established helped in some ways. We bought our first house when I was 26, sooner than any of my friends. And as a couple before kids we had a very active social life including lots of late nights, so my initial impression was off. Sometimes he can seem a little paternalistic and lecture a bit too much, which bothers me (he also does this with his younger brother, who is 5.5 years younger than him, I think it is just his nature). However he looks great for his age, and I think since he has young kids people assume he's younger (he's 44 and we have a 5 yo, 3 yo and 7 mo old). It helps that one of his best friends (his age) married someone my age, and many of my friends have married men 4-6 years older.
DH's friend just left his wife and at age 43, is now living with a 25 year old so, I guess I should be happy DH is OK with a 36 year old!

[anamika]

DH is only 2 weeks (literally 14 days) older than me.

Oh my gosh. This is us too!

[elektra]

DH is 6 years and 2 months older than me. I really don't think anything of it anymore, honestly.
Same here.
We probably look the same age at this point too.

[Globetrotter]

It's reassuring to read the responses from those who have a larger age gap. It freaked us out initially when we figured it out - no way would we have met in the current world of online dating :) but now it seems mostly a nonissue. Momof3boys, yes, paternalistic is the word I meant to use, but I think that is his personality at play. I certainly put him in his place when he does it (usu. IRT financial matters, which I agree it not my strongest point).

Funny how many people mentioned the ability to buy a house sooner, plus the fact that their dh looks younger. For me, that did make a difference (eta: the looks, not the house!). Fortunately, dh is very health conscious (more than me, even, and i think he has anxiety around that, just like me - no wonder our kids are anxious!) so I'm hoping he will be around for a long time. i will admit to freaking out at his milestone bdays as they are a reminder of the age difference, but on a daily basis it isn't much of an issue.

A friend of mine is dating someone who is significantly younger than him, I think 10 years, and I can see from that example that the individual personalities and maturity levels also make a difference and guys tend to mature later so... His ex was his age and she was actually immature compared to his new GF! :shrug:

[bigsis]

My DH is almost 3 years older than me. For the most part, I think it's the perfect age gap.

[larig]

I'm surprised that there are so few older women/younger men combos. Only 2 of us so far that are over a year apart, I think, that I counted!

[vludmilla]

My DH is 4 years older than me. I like the age difference. I couldn't see myself with a younger man, at least not when I was in my twenties (when I was dating DH).

[larig]

My DH is 4 years older than me. I like the age difference. I couldn't see myself with a younger man, at least not when I was in my twenties (when I was dating DH).

my DH was 25 I was 30, and he was really really doing well in his career (still is) and quite mature. One of his best friends was his sister who is my age. He had always preferred dating older women before me. Maybe he was just a mature 25 year old.

[lmh2402]

DH is 4 years, almost 4 full months older than me

[vludmilla]

my DH was 25 I was 30, and he was really really doing well in his career (still is) and quite mature. One of his best friends was his sister who is my age. He had always preferred dating older women before me. Maybe he was just a mature 25 year old.

Yes, he does sound like he was a mature 25 year old. I'm sure I would have made an exception for a mature guy like that :) I guess I was speaking in generalities which isn't often a good idea.

[momtoonegirl]

DH is 1 yr. 5 mo. older than me to the day. If you didn't know us, you would think I am the older one, maturity wise.

[twowhat?]

The maturity thing is a big deal. I started dating DH when I was 20 and he was 30. There is no way, NO WAY I would've dated a guy my age at the time...at least not the ones I knew. I was in grad school at 20 and any guy my age was still partying it up in college. Heck, even my 25ish-yr-old guy classmates were getting drunk at after-exam parties in grad school like they were still in their college fraternities. No thanks.

[mommytoC]

The maturity thing is a big deal. I started dating DH when I was 20 and he was 30. There is no way, NO WAY I would've dated a guy my age at the time...at least not the ones I knew.


DH is 10 years older than me. We've been married for 8.5 years, and it's just now a slight issue. I would like another baby, he feels like he's too old (almost 48). 10 years ago, it didn't seem like a big deal, but now the differences are starting to come out.

:yeahthat:
Except that I was 20 (I turned 21 a couple of weeks after our first date), and DH was 31. I was 27 when we got married, 34 when we had DD#1, and 37 when we had DD#2 (we've been married for 12.5 years). For the most part, the age difference has been a non-issue, though like Lori (JTsMom), I might have had a third except for DH feeling too old. Luckily, he agreed to DC#2 at almost 48 :).

[Jai]

DH is 20 months older than me.

[jse107]

DH is 4 months older than me.
My parents have a 6 year age difference and my grandparents had an 11 year age difference.

[kozachka]

My DH is almost 11 years older than me, and we met when I was not quite 21 years old. I was very mature for my age, I started working for a startup as one of it's first employees at the beginning of my 3rd year in college, and by the time I met DH was a C-level executive responsible for over 100 people and many millions of dollars P&L, and experience managing relations with international vendors, banks and government officials. People thought I was 25-27 years old, and I dated guys that were 5-7 years (or more) older than me. In retrospect, I did not have enough dating experience but it did not feel thid way at the time.

DH behaved very 'young' for his age, even though he had a business of his own for several years by then. He was on a prolonged recovery (and self destruction) from the death of his Dad and divorce. I was on rebound from one of my only two serious relationships, the last of which failed because I was too dedicated to my career, so our relationship was not meant to be serious but if it were then I was intent on making it a priority and not let it fail, which is one of the reasons why I stuck by DH through his drinking, depression and other 'fun'. We fell in love, I followed DH to the US and we eventually got married. Age was not an issue until several years into our marriage and even then it was not too bad. It is much more of an issue now that DH is closing in on 50, and is not doing much (e.g. exercise, skincare, clothes) to look young. Without going into further details, yes, age has been one of many issues (DH was ready to buy a house and settle down, I was not; I'd love to climb Machu Picchu,bye thinks it's too much effort etc.), if I were to ever get divorced, I would try to date guys closer to my own age.

[goldenpig]

DH is 8 months older than me but I was two years ahead of him in schooling/medical training (I skipped K and graduated college in 3 years).

But when I was in high school, I dated a guy who was twelve years older than me. I know, sounds creepy, but he was a church-going veterinarian. I just thought of myself as mature for my age. ;) But both my parents and his parents were both not happy about it and did everything they could to break us up. Actually I'm glad now that I'm not married to him because he'd be 50 already, yikes!

[cuca_]

My DH is 7.5 years older than I am and it is not an issue at all. He looks younger than he is and is very active.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm 18m older. We've always both been mature sorts so we were ready for commitment and settling down earlier than many of our peers.

[jjjo1112]

Interesting thread!!
My DH is 7 years older than me. He finished high school and joined the navy and then came back and went to college. We were both in college at the same time and were both working with kids in youth sports part-time at the YMCA (where we met). He looks my age, if not younger and is much more active than I am- plays hockey most days, runs, etc. Honestly, I never even think about our age difference anymore. He is 37 and I am 30.

[egoldber]

DH is 6 months older than I am, so basically the same age.

My father was 12 years older than my mother. As a child, they both seemed "old" to me, but I can remember that when my mother was in her late 40s and my father was in his early 60s that the gap seemed really wide. It definitely colored my perceptions a bit of that large of an age gap between spouses.

[larig]

Yes, he does sound like he was a mature 25 year old. I'm sure I would have made an exception for a mature guy like that :) I guess I was speaking in generalities which isn't often a good idea.

You did not offend me at all, just made me think about how DH likely compared to other 25 yr olds. I was actually in process of divorcing my first husband who I married at 25. DH was unfazed dating a divorcee, and wooed me. He seemed way more mature than my first husband who was my age and whom I supported for a year.

I should add that I look really young for my age and most would guess that I am younger that DH, despite the almost 5 year age difference.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Dh is 2 months younger than me. It is great for us. He has always been pretty mature for his age (never was the bachelor type to be out partying, getting drunk or whatever). In fact he was actually the type of guy who wanted to settle down and have a family so never had issues there. Dh is also super smart and was relatively advanced in his education/career (we have same degrees in same field from same university, and despite being the same age he graduated 3 years before I did).

[Giantbear]

wife is 4 years younger than me, we met when i was mid 30's, married at 40 and dd at 41.

I have a friend who has the exact birth date as his wife. They both just turned 50

[sweetsue98]

DH is 10 years older than I am. Our relationship blends well since he's a kid at heart.

[cindys]

I want to add that my being 10yrs older has never been an issue for us...I do look younger than I am and most people think I am the younger of the two of us.
I think we balance each other pretty well...

My only complaint is that I would love to travel more and he is happy being at home...

I do worry (and this is the vain part of me) that eventually I will look older and people will wonder why he married someone so much older than him but my biggest fear is someone asking one of my kids if I am their grandmother! :tongue5:

ETA: As far as careers....I have 32 yrs with my company...I will retire from here....DH when we first met had just gotten out of the Navy...He is Real Estate Appraiser and is finishing up his degree...I am hoping when he is out of school he can get the great job making lots of money so I can retire and then stay home with the 2 little ones...I carry all our insurance and make more money...

FYI...I started with my company 2 mos after I graduated from H.S.

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...20, 5 & 3 :love-retry::love-retry::love-retry:

[BabbyO]

Ultimately no difference between DH & I (8 mo).

However, my parents have a 7 yr difference. For the most part its worked fine for them. They've been married almost 42 yrs and still going strong. My mom said the only hard part is feeling like she has to work for the benefits...but missing out on retirement with my dad. Dad turns 70 this year and I think my mom is going to retire early so they can enjoy some time together before either experiences major health issues.

Dad is in great shape (still works out 1.5 hrs/day and is doing a 1/2 marathon with me in May) but his family has a history of failing mental faculties as they age...so my mom is concerned, though he's showing no signs yet.

My grandparents had 10 yrs (maternal) and 8 yrs (paternal). Both sets were married for over 50 yrs and from what I could tell, very much in love all the way to the end.

[kozachka]

my biggest fear is someone asking one of my kids if I am their grandmother! :tongue5:

I've done that to another woman, she was not thrilled. And then asked another woman if her child wanted to play with my DS, and it turned out that it was her grandchild. She did not take any offense. There is just such a big range of age for moms that I no longer make any assumptions.

Not sure if being mistaken for your kids granda is worse than being asked if your husband is your father. Happened to me about 7 years ago, DH got gray hair young and was in his early 40s. I was dressed in a t-shirt and shorts with hair in a pony tail, so young dressed and looking even though I was 30 by then. Made me feel really uncomfortable, and DH was not exactly happy.

[cindys]

Back to me being vain....They can think DH is my Father all they want as long as they dont think I am my kids Grandma! :)

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...20, 5 & 3 :love-retry::love-retry::love-retry:

[egoldber]

Yeah, someone saw pix of my kids in my office and asked if they were my grandkids. Nice. But I made a hair color appt that day. :o (I've been very gray since my early 30s.)

[llama8]

My husband is 2 years older than me.

[kijip]

We are a year apart. As far as I am concerned anything within 2-3 years of age is basically the same age. I think of a big age gap as about a decade and don't do a double take unless it is a "he could be her dad" situation. I can see that there are age based communication issues at certain gaps.

[MelissaTC]

We are 14 months apart. DH is an old soul and has always been very responsible and mature. He knew before I ever did that we would be married. Sometimes those 14 months feel like 14 years, especially when it comes to his taste in music, lol. He was born in the wrong decade!

[ZeeBaby]

DH is 4.5 years older then me. No real problems since he accepts that I am a free spirit.