Moms of older kids: improving sibling dynamics?

[janeybwild]

DD1 is almost 9 (3rd grade), DD2 is 6 1/2 (1st grade). They've always gotten along reasonably well, and mostly enjoy playing together. When things are good between them, life is great. They truly enjoy playing together. But lately the dynamic between them is starting to affect us all.

Example from this morning:

DD1: DD2 always wants to do what I'm doing and play with me. She's so annoying. If I don't do what she wants she cries and says she's going to tell you"
DD2: "DD1 is mean to me and tells me I'm annoying. She makes me cry".

Both individually and unbeknownst to the other, complained incessantly about the other last night. How it's not fair, they are not to blame, it's all the others' fault etc. The minute one says anything about the other, the other jumps in defending them self and then goes on the offensive.

I'm not there to see what is happening at the playground or on the walk to school. What I do see at home tells me that both have legitimate complaints. We are caught in a vicious cycle. DS (5) is now being pulled in to it too.

I'd really appreciate a new script to help them navigate this change in roles. In the past, I read Siblings Without Rivalry and embraced the concept of not comparing them, pitting them against each other in races etc. I think this is beyond that. How do we recognize them as individuals, with different needs, but not tolerate hurting each other verbally as we move into this new development phase? Ideas? TIA

[Mopey]

I am still only expecting my first but my mom was fantastic at making sure my sis and I knew we were our own people, with our own talents and preferences and importance. And she was always very stalwart about helping us understand how important we should be and were/are to each other - and that treating each other well follows accordingly.

In my family manners are super important because we all believe they are a way of showing your consideration of others - and who should you be more considerate of than your immediate family?

I will also say that my sis and I developed our adult relationship (that rocks) when we were both out of the house (apparently this is quite the norm). (I am going to put up a TED talks my sis just sent me this morning, and a link to a book I just checked out too.)

I think you can start with letting your kids know that all their complaints and annoyances with each other are valid, but that they will all be sibs their whole lives and will figure out how to be together and let each other alone when they start listening and respecting (however long that make take :rotflmao:).

Hope I helped as the littler of two girls!

[ha98ed14]

I only have one 4 y.o. DD, but this sounds so much like what happened between me and my own sister, wanted to post. Some of it is coming from DD1's changing from child to pre-teen; just the comment that DD2 is "annoying" is evidence of that IMO. On that issue, the answer is to separate them. I know that sounds drastic and harsh, but if you are NOT going to follow a "Let them work it out for themselves" path, then your interventions must really fit the situation. I would go as far as to sit them both down and say that since DD1 wants her space, DD2 is going to take on XYZ activity. So DD2 could get more Wii time, have a playdate, have a special toy/activity that she gets to do when she is feeling stuck between wanting to do what DD1 is doing and DD1 wanting privacy & independence.

DD2 is a middle child; therefore, in my mind, she has to get some extra room to breathe because her needs are always going to be squashed in the middle. Giving her a special space/activity that is only hers is completely fair IMO. DD1 will do lots of things first. DS will always be the baby of the family. DD2 needs a little boost. (And just so you don't think I'm biased, I'm an oldest, not a middle.)

I would also outline the reverse, "When you girls feel like you want to play together, you need to tell me or Daddy so we can monitor. As soon as one of you is unhappy and you cannot resolve it, the game and play time together is over for the rest of the morning/afternoon/day. We can try again later/tomorrow." And then stick to that. You might find that their enjoyment of each other will be motivation to work it out. If not, at least the fighting is over sooner than later.

If possible on weekends, try to do things individually with each child and focus less on "Family Time" because right now, they aren't part of a "big happy family." Does one child have an activity/sport? Maybe that time can be spent with you&child1 and DH&child2. However you find to work it, give each kid time with each parent or with whichever parent they seem to need most at this stage, and try to separate them the rest of the time.

When they are together, all watching the same TV show for example, discuss everything upfront. Don't just let things play out. Delineate what is going to happen:
"We are watching XYZ show now; then it is DX's turn to pick a show. If you do not like the show they chose, then you need to be the one to go find something else to do."

It sounds harsh, but forcing "togetherness" is kind of a farce IME. It just leaves everyone resentful. This method will require an exhaustive amount of monitoring on your part, but it would help keep the peace and keep them from riding roughshod over each other. Also factor in that as DD1 enters teen-hood, a lot of things are going to be "Not fair!!! *Slams door*". You just calmly stick to the plan you have outlined, a plan which obviously makes room for all the needs and desires of DCs in a balanced way as best you can.

I would also make space for yourself to not have to monitor them. During that time, one DC could be out of the house and the other must play separately so there is no opportunity for fighting.

Anyway, just some ideas...

[hellokitty]

I think that your kids sound really normal. My 8 yr old and 6.5 yr old have a similar dynamic. Whatever you do, don't expect the older one to always give in to the younger one. My mom did this to me (I'm the oldest) and I still resent her for it. I tell my boys that if they cannot play nicely together, then they don't get to play together. They can do quiet activities on their own. Sometimes this gets them to play cooperatively, sometimes they choose to do their own quiet activities. Each child has their own individual interests (cub scouts for DS1, t-ball for DS2, both are in martial arts together), so they have something of their own that their siblings don't attend.

I also stress to my kids when they get into arguments or say mean things to or about one another by flipping the situation around. "Do you like it when x treats you like that?" I place a lot of importance of treating others as you would want to be treated. It's a constantly struggle though. As for the youngest one pestering the older one, I totally get this, as the oldest sib and now seeing it played out with my 3 kids. I often remind my older ones, when a younger sib is bugging him that the little on REALLY looks up to them and wants to be with them and be like them. It usually softens them up a bit. DS2 adores DS1, DS3 adores both DS1 and DS2, but yeah, he can be a pest. The younger ones have been pests to the older ones since the beginning of time with all sibling relationships. I see both sides of it, but I also try to point out to them the positives (DS3 is, "messing up" their stuff, b/c he wants to play with them and be just like them), so try to include him in some way. Like making him a version of the same lego toy, so he can play too and not break theirs.

As for the bickering in general, it's pretty nomal among siblings. Did you grow up as an only child or with a really big age gap btwn siblings? I had two younger brothers and this going and back and forth was pretty normal. Now as adults, we get along just fine. Same with DH, he and his brother fought a lot (more physical though), and they get along fine as adults.