How do I explain this to DD?

[geophne]

I just found out that FIL is divorcing his current wife (not DH's mother). They don't live near us and once they are divorced there would be no reason for us to see her again. She is not exactly a great grandmother to DDs so I would not make any effort to keep in touch with her, but I'm sure DD1 is going to asked where Gramma is the next time my FIL comes to visit which will be in a few weeks because they always come together. To complicate matters, FIL plans to start dating/probably living with another woman and has already mentioned that he would like to incorporate her into the family at some point. Unfortunately, this is an ongoing pattern with him that may continue throughout DDs lives. He is a great grandfather, but lousy with his other relationships. I am still hopeful that it will not work out between FIL and the new woman, but even if that is the case it will only be delaying the inevitable because he can't seem to be alone for any period of time.

DH just shrugs and says "that's my Dad" and seems reluctant to say anything to his Dad, but he does agree that DD will be confused by this and isn't sure what to tell her. How do we explain to DD (3.5 years old) that she's never going to see Gramma again and what do we say about the new woman? I really have no desire to tell DD that she gets a new grandmother every so often as FIL gets tired of the latest wife.

[MamaMolly]

Honestly, I would not say a word about soon to be Ex-MIL unless your child specifically asks where Gramma is, then say something vague. Like 'she's at home'. Little kids just don't need many details.

Looking to the future, maybe you can call Grandpa's new friend just that. His friend Miss Firstname.

People can be really messy. You know?

[cvanbrunt]

I have no idea how to explain it. I guess you would have to explain divorce and I'm not sure if I'd want to go there yet. I, too, would go with something vague and hope it just goes away. But I totally agree with the PP and would not refer to any other woman as Grandma. I guess if FIL gets married again she is Grandpa's wife.

[klwa]

My brother & his wife are in the process of getting a divorce. (Although, I don't have to deal with a new chicky-babe to explain that away....) I've just quietly stopped calling her Aunt Firstname & started referring to her as DNi & DNe's mom, Firstname. It took the kids a bit to figure out that Aunt & not aunt were the same person. We've explained that Aunt used to be married to DB and isn't now, so she's not in our family anymore. Honestly, it's been harder on me than my kids. (She's been dating/married to my brother since I was 12 years old. And we were friends before that.)

Basically, just explain that Gramma lives away from Grandpa now & she won't be coming around as much. Your DD will figure it out in her own way & probably forget about her.

As for the next chicky, I'd hold off on the Gramma designation until your DD (or the new SMIL) decides that needs to change.

[PunkyBoo]

My brother & his wife are in the process of getting a divorce. (Although, I don't have to deal with a new chicky-babe to explain that away....) I've just quietly stopped calling her Aunt Firstname & started referring to her as DNi & DNe's mom, Firstname. It took the kids a bit to figure out that Aunt & not aunt were the same person. We've explained that Aunt used to be married to DB and isn't now, so she's not in our family anymore. Honestly, it's been harder on me than my kids. (She's been dating/married to my brother since I was 12 years old. And we were friends before that.)

Basically, just explain that Gramma lives away from Grandpa now & she won't be coming around as much. Your DD will figure it out in her own way & probably forget about her.

As for the next chicky, I'd hold off on the Gramma designation until your DD (or the new SMIL) decides that needs to change.

Agree with this. SIL and her (now) XH divorced when Punkin was about 4. We just didn't mention him anymore. One day he asked about him and we just said "he's not here today." Eventually we told him (about age 6) that they aren't married anymore. Now when he sees a picture of the X, Punkin asks "who's that?" because he doesn't even remember him. Now he's just Cousin's Daddy, and SIL's boyfriend/fiance is "Mr. HisName".

[megs4413]

we go through this with my brother every so often. he dates girls for 1-3 years at a time and the moves on to another long-term relationship. they basically always live with him as well, so while he's with a girl, she's part of the package with him. it's really annoying and hard to explain to my kids. they miss these girls when they just disappear. the last one even came on family vacation with us. it just sucks.

anyway, my kids know that he breaks up with them. i'm just honest about it. they aren't a couple anymore, so we won't be seeing Miss X_____. we're careful never to use the "aunt" designation for this reason. it's part of the reason we don't see my brother as much as we used to. he doesn't seem to understand the psychological impact it has on the children to parade these women in and out of their lives. I'm sorry you're in a similar situation.

If you have any sway at all, I would discourage your FIL from bringing around someone new for awhile.