How do you teach a kid to stand up for herself?

[wellyes]

DD is 3. She struggles a little socially- plays by herself, doesn't know how to integrate with other kids, gets very shy.

After preschool today, she came out upset because another girl (from the 4 year old class) told her she ruined their game.

DD then walked towards the girl -- head bowed -- and when the girl ignored her, DD lay facedown on the grass, completely crushed.

Eventually they were all playing together happily, but it killed me to see her be so hurt - and so submissive, too.

So far I've just told her if it happens again, she should tell the girl "you are not being a good friend, I don't like that". She said "I didn't say that because I just wanted to go home". I am trying to tell her she has to stand up for herself or people will keep being mean to her.... but I'm flailing here a little. Any advice?

[mytwosons]

For general social skills (e.g. joining play), I really, really liked the Learning to Get Along series.
http://www.amazon.com/Join-Play-Learning-Get-Along/dp/1575421526/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1330981189&sr=8-3

Our library has them and I've also seen them in the Scholastic flyer. If you search amazon for "learning to get along" you'll find them.

We read the books and then talked out various situations as they came along.

I think a child who is confident in their social skills is much more likely to stand up for themself.

[sste]

Oh wellyes, I hate to hear things like that. It is awful as a parent to hear about your DC being that upset. I would be beside myself and would find it hard to think clearly about the issue I would be so mad!

Since I have the benefit of "distance" let me share some thoughts.

I think you may need to work with your DD on being less reactive because kids, esp. as they get older, may tease her to try to get a reaction. My DS had something similar happen last week where some boys wouldn't let him into the loft playstructure and he told me about it and was upset but made a point to tell me, "But I didn't fuss. I didn't fuss." And I really emphasized to him that it was a GREAT reaction not to fuss and that is how he should try to handle these things - - just find some other kids to play with or something else to do. I complimented him alot on how he handled it - - maybe hard to do in your situation but you could perhaps build with "I think it was a good idea to give them space and walk away from the game the way you did . . . you can play with those kids another time. It was good for you to go up with them to play but sometimes kids just want to finish a game before they have new kids join in." I know that is easier said than done with a sensitive kid! But, maybe role playing? Or the two of you come in advance with something she does when she feels upset or has something like this happen, maybe a retreat to a safe space (e.g. go to the play kitchen for a little while).

I also tell my kids that other children are "still learning how to use nice words or how to play nicely." And I compliment them on how they ALREADY know how to do that.

Is your DD a young three? How much does she understand in conversation and social dynamics (I mean, I know she is smart as a child of wellyes :) ). My son is four, a little older, and in this situation I could just explain to him that kids get "too intense" and say these things about ruining but they don't really mean that, they are trying to say "give me my space." And I could probably get him to respond to a series of silly, cbt style questions, "Did you really ruin the game? Did you smash it? Spit on it?"

Last, one of my friends/colleagues did pre-k social skills class for his son and found it very helpful. They coupled that with a summer camp program that had a small number of kids and it all turned out fine a year later . . .

Lots of hugs your way.

[maestramommy]

:hug5:Welleyes! maybe it's just me, but I'm amazed that a 3yo could even articulate, "you're not being a good friend, I don't like that." Of my kids, only Laurel would have the verbal skills for that, let alone remember to say it and know what it meant.

[wellyes]

She is almost 4.

She does the same thing with us, sort of, when she's upset. She just collapses. It's irritating when she does it with us, but it's so much worse to do it around her peers. I think she is just really sad and has no clue how to cope. I feel awful for her - I agree with you sste that it's a real risk she'll be a bully magnet.

[arivecchi]

That is so sad! :(

I think I would do some role-playing so that she knows how to respond if it happens again.

I would also tell the teacher so that they can address put-downs in class. My son's pk4 class is learning about this right now.

Finally, I would arrange playdates with other schoolmates. I have noticed that my son has become a lot more confident in school since we started doing that.

[chozen]

the book pp linked to is a good one, we have been reading it to our dd (also 4) and she has really learned alot from it.

[twowhat?]

I'll be following this thread. DDs have started coming home saying they don't like so-and-so. When I ask why, DD2 says things like "because he says stupid." I asked her if she liked that and she said "No." So then I told her that it is OK to say "I don't like that." and walk away. I have no idea if she has followed this advice or not...but I can definitely tell we're entering the territory of kids getting feelings hurt by other kids.

[MommyAllison]

I just checked this book out from the library, and have only read the introduction so far, but it may be helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Little-Girls-Can-Mean-Bully-proof/dp/0312615523/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330995024&sr=8-1