exasperated

[Giantbear]

Ever get the feeling that your best just isn't good enough to hold everything together?? I am doing everything i can to lighten my wife's load due to her depression issues, and it just never seems to be enough. I can't rely on her family, they are freakin nuts and the creators of my wife's issues, plus my mil is a habitual liar and my family is too far away. My wife is getting help, but lately is fighting it and no longer wants to go to her meetings or therapy. I am hoping a change in meds will help but am losing my optimism. And everyday it is a barrage of negative comments and worst case scenarios from the moment she gets home from work to the moment she goes to sleep. And her constant telling me that she can't handle the responsibilities of parenthood on top of work and being home are crazy considering she does almost nothing in either department. I do 90% of the child rearing, all the shopping and cooking, wake up and bedtime and all midnight wakings and we have a cleaning lady every two weeks. Our dd now calls me 'mommydaddy'.

Thank god dd is such an angel

I guess i just needed to get this off of my chest.

[eno0609]

Wow...your DD is so lucky to have such a great 'mommydaddy':hug: I'm sorry that you're dealing with this and hope that things get better soon. One of my good friends grew up with a mother who had similar issues and sadly they are now estranged. Thankfully her father was amazing like you and they are extremely close.

[arivecchi]

I am sorry you are having such a tough time. I would be losing it.

[carolinamama]

I am so sorry for you and your DD that you are dealing with this. Hang in there and vent away. Your DD is a very lucky girl to have you.

[roobee]

You sound like a good man - your wife and daughter are lucky to have you. I'm sorry things are so difficult for your family right now.

[wencit]

I'm so sorry you're going through a rough time. :(

[TwinFoxes]

I'm amazed at how well you're doing.

Have you any time to get some individual therapy? Just being able to get things off your chest regularly would probably be a big help to you, and by extension to DD and DW.

[hillview]

HUGS you deserve a LOT of hugs! :cheerleader1::cheerleader1:

[BabyBearsMom]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your DD is so lucky to have you and your DW is too.

Is there a way that you could get more help so that you aren't so over stressed, especially during tax season? Maybe instead of doing the grocery shopping, using a grocery delivery service or hire someone to come a few times per month to cook/freeze a few meals in advance? That way it isn't always on you all the time to do everything.

[lizzywednesday]

...

Have you any time to get some individual therapy? Just being able to get things off your chest regularly would probably be a big help to you, and by extension to DD and DW.

:yeahthat:

I know it helped my dad while my mom was working through her depression and the medication-go-round.

Sending you lots of hugs, Giantbear.

[HonoluluMom]

It sounds like you're doing a great job! Your family is lucky to have you. Hang in there! :grouphug:

[wellyes]

I am sorry, you are doing SO well. It is so hard to deal with mental illness. I hope she comes around to getting the healing she needs. Maybe she wll someday realize what she has in you.

[DebbieJ]

Huge hugs to you. You are doing an AMAZING job!

Is there any way you could get your wife to an inpatient program? Or even a partial-day program?

[hellokitty]

I'm so sorry, your situation sounds really difficult. I admire you for coping as well as you do. Is there any way that you can hire a nanny, even if it's part time? It sounds like you are completely burnt out and have been emotionally dragged through the mud.

[DietCokeLover]

Caregivers are so often the unsung heroes. I am so sorry for all that you are having to go through. Reach out to as many people as you can. We are here for you as much as we can be.

[ellies mom]

First of all big hugs.

You are doing a lot to get your wife help. Now, you need to look at what you can do to lighten your load. Part-time child care? Grocery delivery service? Housekeeping? Meal delivery? Even if it is just for a few months to get past tax season, do what you can to make things easier for you.

When my husband is in one of his funks, the only thing I can do is tune him out to a certain extent when he starts complaining. I can't listen and process the constant complaints. I just don't have the mental/emotional energy so there is a certain amount of "in one ear, out the other". Along that line, it helps to have someone to talk to so I can get things out of my system so I don't explode and start screaming "Ahhh!!! shut up, shut up!!" It sounds harsh but it is something I have to do.

Where I live, there is a program (http://www.swmedicalcenter.org/adapt) that is kind of a transition program for people in crisis. Sometimes it is a bridge for someone who has been in in-patient treatment but not necessarily. It kind of gives people an opportunity to get their feet under them and gives them tools to take responsibility for their own recovery. I would see if there is something similar in your area that she could take advantage of.

[veronica]

Giantbear,
I hope that my post can give you a little light. I was just going to come here and ask about you and was very happy to see your thread. After your last post about working on the weekend and having to leave DW and DD alone, I was motivated to finally go back to my Dr. for my checkup.

I had not gone back to my medication since the twin pregnancy and reading your post made me really take a look at what I was putting DH through. He (and you) are amazing. when I feel like my world is completely dark, knowing that he can shoulder a lot of the burdern gives me peace. I finally turned the corner, where I desperately wanted to give him peace.

I'm not sure when your DW will turn that corner. Its' only been a couple of weeks, and already , I am lighter in my heart. I play basketball with ODS everyday , my patience level is expanding daily and my kids can see me smile again. I pray, so very hard, that your DW can find healing soon, and that you can get the strenght to continue fighting. I'm not draining DH of every single ounce that he has left, and that makes me so thrilled now. I know you are exhausted, sad, and just empty. I feel like I know you and DW , because we are so similar. I am sorry for what it does to you.

YOu certainly need time to yourself. An outlet of some sort. start small, and take more and more time each time (jogging, etc). It keeps my DH going. :hug:

[dogmom]

NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness) and other organizations have support groups for family members. It might be helpful, although I realize it may not be doable with the responsibilities of parenting. Maybe something can be worked out so you can go to some. Yes, it sucks.

[Giantbear]

Giantbear,
I hope that my post can give you a little light. I was just going to come here and ask about you and was very happy to see your thread. After your last post about working on the weekend and having to leave DW and DD alone, I was motivated to finally go back to my Dr. for my checkup.

I had not gone back to my medication since the twin pregnancy and reading your post made me really take a look at what I was putting DH through. He (and you) are amazing. when I feel like my world is completely dark, knowing that he can shoulder a lot of the burdern gives me peace. I finally turned the corner, where I desperately wanted to give him peace.

I'm not sure when your DW will turn that corner. Its' only been a couple of weeks, and already , I am lighter in my heart. I play basketball with ODS everyday , my patience level is expanding daily and my kids can see me smile again. I pray, so very hard, that your DW can find healing soon, and that you can get the strenght to continue fighting. I'm not draining DH of every single ounce that he has left, and that makes me so thrilled now. I know you are exhausted, sad, and just empty. I feel like I know you and DW , because we are so similar. I am sorry for what it does to you.

YOu certainly need time to yourself. An outlet of some sort. start small, and take more and more time each time (jogging, etc). It keeps my DH going. :hug:Well, this makes me feel really good inside, i am glad some positive came out of my venting. The greatest gift you can give your kids is this.

And i thank everyone for their words and suggestions. Some i can follow, others really aren't practical, but i appreciate them nonetheless. I am really hoping tomorrows visit to the pill pusher will make a big difference. I keep telling her this is a medical issue and needs to be dealt with medically.

Oh, and the kicker, her parents are looking at houses around the corner from us after promising to avoid our neighborhood. I had a discussion with them, it did not go well. Her parent's are toxic.

[larig]

hang in there, Giantbear. :grouphug:

[artvandalay]

You sound like a good man - your wife and daughter are lucky to have you. I'm sorry things are so difficult for your family right now.

:yeahthat: I really hope things look up for you and your family.

[niccig]

I'm sorry. I think you need to put your time and energy into yourself. I hope you can find support and help through all of this. :grouphug:

[citymama]

I'm amazed at how well you're doing.

Have you any time to get some individual therapy? Just being able to get things off your chest regularly would probably be a big help to you, and by extension to DD and DW.

:yeahthat: You're an awesome parent, and I'm so glad your DD has you. It sounds like you are a patient and loving spouse and I'm sure your DW appreciates what you are doing even if she is not expressing it right now. You need support, and I hope you have good friends and family around who can be there for you. I agree with the suggestion about individual therapy - maybe on your lunch hour while your DD is in childcare?

[crl]

I am so sorry. :grouphug:

Catherine

[swissair81]

Your DD is so lucky to have such a dedicated father. And your wife is lucky to have a dedicated husband like you- whether she knows it or not. If you did not want to step in for her, things would be a lot more stressful. I'm sorry life is how it is right now. I hope it gets better soon.

[Beth24]

Hang in there. You have a lot on your plate right now and you sound like you're handling it all with grace and compassion. I think it's time for those around you to start giving you the support and compassion you need!!! And I agree with all PPs who suggest that you need some time for yourself!

[kedss]

just sending positive vibes, depression is a tough road, hope things will get better for all of you sooner than later.

[hopeful_mama]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry. A long time ago I was the neurotic depressed spouse, and I know how much it can wear away at the other person. It's a horrible thing for both people. I agree with the others' suggestions, if you can find a little help, or a little support for yourself, in one form or another. I also agree that you sound like a wonderful father and husband.

And big commisserations on the ILs possibly moving nearby, that would scare the crap out of me.

[twowhat?]

I'm amazed you made it this far with what sounds like VERY little support. Honestly, you're sacrificing so much to do what you think is best for your family that I can only see this ending up in such a way that your life is improved. I hope that happens sooner rather than later for you.

[Melaine]

I hope things start looking up. You are doing a great job.

[jenfromnj]

Add me to the chorus of those who give you tons of credit for hanging in there. Your DD is really lucky to have you. I hope that things start improving soon and your load will be lightened. We're always here to lend a supportive ear.

[amldaley]

Good God - Your post makes me want to go and hug DH and tell him how much I appreciate all he is doing. He does alot around here and I have no issues such as your wife does. It is different hearing (reading) it from the other side.

Haven't read the other posts or if you have replied or updated but do hope you find some peace in all of this. Hugs and positive mojo to you - keep your chin up.

[mackmama]

i have a family member in a similar boat with a spouse who has pretty serious mental health issues. it is a constant drain on this person's spirit, outlook, their relationship, and their kids. the kids see the situation very clearly for what it is. thank goodness for having one stable and healthy parent. i am very sorry you are in this situation. i hope things reach a better equilibrium soon in some way.

[elektra]

That sounds horribly hard Giantbear. Your wife and daughter are lucky to have you.

[Beth24]

Giantbear, let us know how you're doing when you have a chance.