WDYD if your elderly parent is going to out-live their retirement dollars?

[ha98ed14]

Imagine that your 66+ aged parent is being forced to retire next year, is in good health and is almost guranteed to out-live their retirement savings. (They are competent at their current job, but no longer do it cheerfully, and this is a job that isvolves a lot of customer service interactions. It's a privately held company, so pursuing a discrimination lawsuit is not worth it.)

At some point, your parent is going to be left with only Social Security and Medicare and will need help. They do not own any property to live in, so housing will be their greatest expense. This parent is very resistant to any plans being made in advance. They are also very resentful of being told how to live. They just "don't want to talk about it!!!", but are completely lucid. No dementia; however, there is no way to rationally discuss it without stressing, to the point of breaking, the relationship between the parent and the adult children.

Given these circumstances, is it better to force the issue and try to place restrictions on their very limited savings by whatever means possible, or is it better to let them live their way, run through the money in less than 4 years, and then be prepared to step in and help?

Poll coming...

[dogmom]

Well, as someone with a MIL who ONLY has social security I would be grateful if there was any savings. It is their life and their money, you really can't tell them what to do. The most I would suggest if have them contact their local Council on Aging or whatever they have where they live and look into resources, such as federal subsidized housing where rent is set at 30% of their income. It usually takes a year or so to get housing, so depending where they are it might be worth making a plan of when they would like to get put on a list. They may decide after a while to get a part-time job or something to help, that's my what my 73 yo MIL does.

[maestramommy]

That could be my parents, and the short answer is that they will have to sell their home and live with one of us. Real answer might be more complicated, but probably some version of that.

[hillview]

Well so I don't think you can FORCE your parents to do anything really. They are not incompetent although you may make different decisions vs them. I do think it is reasonable to schedule a time to sit with them, give them advance notice and a list of topics you want to discuss. It sounds rather formal but well it helps. Then review with them your concerns and also what you might be willing to do and frankly not willing to do. Offer help to them for planning if you want to do this or something else you want to help him with. Once you've had this meeting, let it go. You've said your peace. They are adults and as you say mentally healthy so they get to do what they want to do and you cannot control it. You can control what YOU are willing to do.

As background my parents are totally out of money and we are supporting them. We had MANY such discussions. It is very hard and stressful and really annoying when people don't do what you think they should do. :)
/hillary

[BabyBearsMom]

I wouldn't say anything to them assuming that they were of sound mind and weren't spending money inappropriately. If my parents suddenly bought a ferrari and a yacht or addicted to drugs, I would probably comment, but if they were living a normal life I would leave it as is.

I would also prepare myself to care for them later (i.e. make future decisions about my own housing to include an option for my parents, put a little extra money aside in case I need to help them etc.). To me, my parents raised me, put me through college and emotionally support me as an adult. I will make sure that I am there for them if they ever need me in the future.

[TwinFoxes]

I'm just not sure there's anything you can do to force the issue and restrict their savings.

[niccig]

I'm sorry. I know the last few years haven't been easy for your family. :grouphug:

You can't force them to do anything. I think you can raise your concerns. They do have a responsibility to care for themselves while capable, and you can not shoulder the burden if it's not financially feasible for you to do so. I think you can spell out what you can/can't do. Eg. I could help family look for housing, but we don't have room for them to move in with us.

DH's grandmother only had social security and medicare. She did own her own home, so housing wasn't an issue. MIL and DH's uncle would help her out eg, they split cost of her car/registration/insurance. DH would send her gift cards for JC Penny for birthdays/Christmas. We then started to help out - found out through MIL she needed a new mattress, so we told MIL to take her shopping and buy her one, we then sent MIL a check for the cost. I felt that as DH earned more than his parents as FIL had just retired, we should step up to help out more. MIL wouldn't let us give money regularly, felt it was up to her as it was her mother, so we agreed that we would purchase extra items as need, the mattress, a new chair that helped her get up etc. Things that made her life more comfortable.

[egoldber]

You can't force them to do anything. I think you can raise your concerns.

:yeahthat:

This is what I face with my mother. Only she is now well past having any savings. She has a very small social security stipend and Medicare. She is now looking into other forms of aid to seniors as well.

However, her medical and other bills are constantly outpacing her income. Without help from myself and my brother she would be much worse off.

[Pyrodjm]

I'm just not sure there's anything you can do to force the issue and restrict their savings.

This. I would be prepared to help if needed.

[niccig]

This. I would be prepared to help if needed.

That's if their kids can help them. Not everyone is set up to support elderly parents, either from having extra room in their house or able to give monetary support.

It's a difficult dilemma. I was talking with a friend, whose mother is a financial planner. According to her mother, most of our generation are going to be hit with a triple whammy - we'll have parents that need help, kids going off to college, and our own retirements.

If MIL/FIL need help, DH's sisters are not in a position to help - they get help from MIL/FIL actually. It'll only be us that can help. So far, they do seem to be OK. My parents are also OK, but they live overseas and have more options for government help. But I could see my sisters and I might need to chip in with some things.

[KrisM]

I agree that you can't force this. But, could you take them to a financial advisor who specializes in aging and retirement? Maybe hearing it from someone else would help.

Can the parent get another job?

[kellij]

I don't think you have any right to do anything, especially legally, if they are competent and just make bad decisions. You can't force anyone to do something specific with their money, just because you think it makes sense. Can you imagine if someone did that to you?

Maybe your parent will decide they are bored at home and choose to get another job.

My MIL lives off Social Security. But that said, DH paid for lots of things and eventually sold some of her land and was able to pay off her house for her. But there is Section 8 housing for people who can't afford regular housing. I don't know about all over, but here there are definitely nice apartments that are Section 8 housing. Additionally, if ss is enough, there are other means of government assistance, like food stamps. There are programs that help elderly people with meals, like Meals on Wheels.

Additionally, what if, worst case scenario, your parent dies at 71, which isn't entirely uncommon. Then you will have worried about this for nothing and potentially spent the last years of your parent's life fighting about something that never came to fruition. It just doesn't seem worth it, given what little you can do anyway.

[StantonHyde]

I would also prepare myself to care for them later (i.e. make future decisions about my own housing to include an option for my parents, put a little extra money aside in case I need to help them etc.). To me, my parents raised me, put me through college and emotionally support me as an adult. I will make sure that I am there for them if they ever need me in the future.

Yes, but I lived by their rules. I would be willing to help if they lived by mine. I figure if they want to burn through, then let them. But make it VERY clear there will not be help if they do so.

[georgiegirl]

Would they be open to getting a part time job?

My mom and stepdad should be fine. But my ILs are dirt poor and from eastern Europe, so we will have to completely support them forever. They will move here in the next year. Fortunately dh makes enough to support them in their own little apartment.

It is a difficult situation.

[niccig]

Yes, but I lived by their rules. I would be willing to help if they lived by mine. I figure if they want to burn through, then let them. But make it VERY clear there will not be help if they do so.

This is a good point. What do you do if a parent has gone through all their money through their own choices and you can't afford to help out. Do you still do so, even if it puts your own family finances into a mess?

I don't have an answer. I would though have some issues with financially supporting any family member that didn't take steps to help themselves when they could. I don't want to see my parents out on the street, but I can't lose my house because paying their mortgage too.

[kijip]

I'm just not sure there's anything you can do to force the issue and restrict their savings.

Exactly. They are competent 60 somethings. Not your job to tell them how to live their lives. I would share resource information with them like how to apply for affordable housing if they are interested. Certainly how much help you provide later on is up to you.

My dad can basically manage on his SS and low income apartment. The money we have kicked in has mostly been used for things that make his life a little more fun and comfortable- he has a van, he goes fishing, does not need to worry about paying for medications or clothing. Working to 66 is a good thing as they will get considerably more in SS than those that took early retirement SS at 62.

[g-mama]

That could be my parents, and the short answer is that they will have to sell their home and live with one of us. Real answer might be more complicated, but probably some version of that.

:yeahthat: Except in my case, it's my MIL. She fully plans to live with us when she feels the need. She has not told us, but we have heard through the grapevine.

I don't love the idea, but that is the reality of it and she is my husband's mother.

[ILikeToSave]

I worked in HUD housing for the elderly as a social worker. If you are concerned about your parents depleting their resources & don't want them living with you, look into these type of facilities. The place I worked at was 100% independent living. There are different facilities & some are like this & some have the independent living/assisted living/nursing home all in one, where residents can move to different floors as care is needed. I would say the majority of my residents lived quite comfortably, subsiding on a limited income of monthly Social Security. Many did not have cars but used the Dollar Ride service to get to doctor appoitnments & the supermarket or shared rides with those residents with cars. Some residents lived on as little as $400/month and some as high as $1,400/month. Their rent was based on income. I had some residents paying $100/month & some paying $500 per month.

If you are concerned about this now, look into these facilities - research & visit. I'm sure as the baby boomers age, they will be harder to get into. The facility I worked at usually had a 6-12 month waiting list. We also had another highrise oceanfront property & the wait to get into there was always longer, due to its location. My residents generally liked their apartments. Obviously there are exceptions & most of the people who complained suffered from untreated depression or anxiety. It was a very safe place & I would not hesitate to recommend the facility to an elderly relative.

The facility has an awesome board made up of members of area churches. I would sit in on their monthly meetings & they always had the residents best interests at heart.

Here's a link. Choose your state & then choose filter through other info. & choose 'elderly'
http://www.hud.gov/apps/section8/index.cfm