Sick of working in the same office as DH

[twowhat?]

14 years. It's been 14 years since DH and I have worked at the same institution or the same building. And now we work for partner companies. And I work on some of HIS projects. His office is through a door 30 feet away from mine.

I am sick of it.

I am sick of the mixing of work and personal life. I am sick of people telling me "your husband is looking for you". And the sad thing is, I think that he thinks it's a good thing and I have no idea how to talk to him about it without hurting his feelings.

But it is slowly driving me bonkers.

He needs a new job, or I need one but neither of us is having any luck.

I know this is petty, especially for those of you struggling to find employment, so I apologize in advance for that.

[wellyes]

That does sound annoying. The while fun of having a professional life is having your own adult space!


My patents worked for the same agency but in different cities. I think that works well - they understood each's others work life and job, but did not share coworkers or day-to-day petty stuff.

[Giantbear]

I completely understand.

I have worked with my father for 15 years.

Not a week goes by where i do not want to kill him, and we have a great relationship.

I would not be able to do it if we also lived together.

[twowhat?]

UUUUUGGGHHH now DH is asking me to help him with another project!!! I don't know how long I can keep handling this.

Any suggestions on how to talk to him about it without offending him? "I don't want to work with you anymore" doesn't sound like it would cut it...

[BabyBearsMom]

UUUUUGGGHHH now DH is asking me to help him with another project!!! I don't know how long I can keep handling this.

Any suggestions on how to talk to him about it without offending him? "I don't want to work with you anymore" doesn't sound like it would cut it...

I would be concerned about the ethics of two people in a relationship working together. If I were the supervisor, I would not be comfortable with it because it would make me wonder about the likelihood of collusion (I work in Accounting so I am paranoid about that stuff).

I would probably tell my DH that while I really love getting to see him so much, I think it would be best if we tried to minimize the amount of work that we do together. I would probably blame it on something like it makes me feel as though I am working even when I am at home and having down time. And then I would say that I really treasure our downtime together and don't want work interfering with that. I would also put the pedal to the medal on finding a new job.

[twowhat?]

I would be concerned about the ethics of two people in a relationship working together. If I were the supervisor, I would not be comfortable with it because it would make me wonder about the likelihood of collusion (I work in Accounting so I am paranoid about that stuff).

I would probably tell my DH that while I really love getting to see him so much, I think it would be best if we tried to minimize the amount of work that we do together. I would probably blame it on something like it makes me feel as though I am working even when I am at home and having down time. And then I would say that I really treasure our downtime together and don't want work interfering with that. I would also put the pedal to the medal on finding a new job.

I completely agree, but the situation is a little tricky. My company shut down, and I was transferred to a company that partners closely with his. The need someone to do the overflow work from his company and I'm the only one available...if I refuse to do it, will they fire me so that they can hire someone who can?? Ugh. I've already stipulated to my boss that my travel can't overlap with DH's travel. If I add a "I can't work on his projects" then I am really starting to become a PITA employee. Ugh. Yes, I need to find a new job. Better yet, DH needs to find one because he's the one who REALLY hates his job.

[BabbyO]

Maybe its just a matter of suggesting that you both spend some time & energy trying to find him a new job. If he already doesn't like the job it seems like the best solution.

FWIW, I think I'd tell him that it is getting difficult/frustrating working all the time with him. DH's company has an open position and he flat out told me I'm not allowed to apply. I don't think his company would allow it...but even if they did, he wouldn't. Adults need their own space. I think it would be very difficult working with a spouse.

[elektra]

Ugh. I can understand, as DH and I worked together for 4 years (we met at work).
I think the pros of working apart way outweigh the cons. Hopefully you can figure something else out!

Read on if you are open to suggestions ( I know this was in the BP. :))
In our situation, I had to finally make some ground rules- we stopped commuting in together. Sounds crazy but I ended up getting really bitter when he had to stay late and I had to wait for him.
Maybe you could start with a few small things that might help you now- maybe you could work from home a few days a week? Maybe do actually draw the line on not taking on certain projects or meetings you have together?
Like I said, for us it was the commuting- or even going to lunch together- we sort of had to pretend we didn't always have to check in with each other. You guys may be way beyond that after so many years, but if it's driving you bonkers, maybe some small changes might help.

[crl]

That would drive me flat out insane. I'm sorry.

Catherine

[belovedgandp]

Some good ideas and I do commiserate.

I worked in the same office with DH for almost 5 years. We signed up for it. He'd been there 1 1/2 years when I started.

We did not drive together and that really did help with separation. I had my time, space and schedule to an extent. Fortunately our office was only 5 miles away from home.

[StantonHyde]

I don't know how you can do it. I would slit my wrists!! I need my own identity. I like coming home and talking about our separate days. Oh, I feel for you.

[malphy]

I totally understand. I worked with my dh for a while in the family business and i almost killed him. After a major blowup I stoppede working with him. It was either that or the marriage.

Thinking about it now maybe I should have let it ruin the marriage then and I wouldn't be in the mess I am in now.

Big hugs to you,

[KrisM]

That would be hard to be together, but at different companies!

DH and I met at work and continued to work together for a few years. For a while, our department was me, him, and our boss :). So, we traveled together, did training together, and worked together daily. It did get tiresome and difficult to seperate work and home and I can't imagine having to do it with kids too. I would think that makes home harder to take out of work.

I like the idea of not commuting together. I think that would have been a good idea for us at times.

[scrooks]

Oh wow! I can see how it would be an issue! I don't think I could work with DH .... I think one of us would end up killing the other!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I would probably tell my DH that while I really love getting to see him so much, I think it would be best if we tried to minimize the amount of work that we do together. I would probably blame it on something like it makes me feel as though I am working even when I am at home and having down time. And then I would say that I really treasure our downtime together and don't want work interfering with that. I would also put the pedal to the medal on finding a new job.

:yeahthat:

this is how i would probably try to handle it. if he seems to like working with you, that could mean he just likes being able to see more of you every day sans the kiddos ..maybe you can suggest doing a date night sometime soon?

so sorry, i could see be annoyed with that situation. DH and i have never worked together (even though we are in similar fields). i even struggle being the same house with him every day (since he works from home)...i really enjoy the times when me and the kiddos are out most of the morning/lunchtime...i need a break!

[twowhat?]

Fortunately we do not commute together because we stagger our schedules for pick-up and drop off. He'd be dead by now if we did LOL.

Here's what I think the problem is - he gets stressed out and grumpy at work. Then he vents to me. Then we get home and he's grumpy with the girls, and at the worst possible age - we have TWO 3.5 yos which is just about the hardest thing I've ever dealt with, stress-wise. DD2 has let up on her 1-2 hour long tantrums (thank goodness) but now DD1 is starting up with tantrums. And DH does NOT handle tantrums well. DOES NOT!!! A single 10-min tantrum (which I find laughable) puts him in a bad mood for the rest of the evening. So I don't even get to spend time with someone who is cheerful in the evenings. It's the pits. We just got into a big argument about this. I told him to let me handle all the tantrums so he can chill. He said "then they'll never stop throwing tantrums". Gee thanks, DH. I shot back at him "they will throw them whether or not you are yelling at them". Now he's sulking in bed and I'm fuming.

So I get to deal with 1) the tantrums and 2) the adult who essentially is throwing a tantrum but without the tears and screaming. CALGON!

It just really really bites that I get to deal with it during the day too - I need my space to just be away from him and be myself. I'm tired of being "DH's wife". I'm tired of the extra attention as people ogle our interactions during work meetings. Yes, I attend some meetings with him. YUCK. I am hoping it improves over the next few weeks, as I'm supposed to be transitioning fully to this partner company and will have to prioritize this company's work over his company's work. Really, I want him OUTTA THERE. He hates his job, it's making all of us miserable, and I want to boot him out! My best days at work are when he's traveling. On those days, I just feel...FREE. Free to do what I want, when I want. Free to go wherever I want for lunch and not have to check with someone else about lunch. Free to just be me and not "DH's wife". Free to go home to peace and quiet and no yelling about normal 3.5yo tantrums. I really can't figure out how I've lasted this long. It's not ALL bad. For example, sometimes we actually do our "dates" during work hours and go out together to a restaurant for lunch. It's just so much easier than asking both grandmas to come help in the evenings because a single grandma cannot physically handle the girls.


Maybe its just a matter of suggesting that you both spend some time & energy trying to find him a new job. If he already doesn't like the job it seems like the best solution.

This is a good idea, and I actually spent a few min searching on linkedin and sent him job postings. Maybe my support for him should come from helping him find that new job.

Thanks for listening. Felt good to just let that out. I really would like for him to find a new job because I think it would be good for everyone. For him of course, but also for me.

eta: I know it's the BP, but I really do appreciate and like to see the comments and suggestions. I do agree that I should make it about me when I do manage to talk to him about it (when he's in a good mood - ha); that I am the one who needs the space and the help to really keep my work and personal life separate. I just need to get past this point where I'm the only person available to do this overflow work. Before I slit my wrists!!