Where to start? Stupid DH? My own idiocy? In law rage? Poor DD?

[ha98ed14]

This was SO not the start to the week I wanted!! DH had field trip, so I offered early this morning to drive him. (He usually bikes to work, but field trip was farther.) He says no; he plans to ride his bike. Fine, I go back to bed. 30 minutes later he comes in to ask me if I will drive him. WTF?!? I was pissed, but I did it. Threw DD in the car in her PJs; she hadn't even eaten anything. (This is the dumb@ss DH part.)

Drop off DH at field trip place. Go through Strbx drive through and realize I don't have house keys! Call DH. He didn't bring his either. @#&$%!!!!! So now I am locked out of the house. (This is the I am an idiot part.)

No one has a key except MIL. However, MIL lives 3 hours away. But M&FIL come down nearly every week from Sunday night to Thursday to stay at SIL's house and visit/live there part time. I *know* they are there nearly every weekend, but DD doesn't. It would break her heart to know how often they come down to see SIL&Co. and not DD. But it is the only place I know to get a key so I will not have to break into my own house or shell out money we don't have for a locksmith.

So I call. And yes they are here. And yes they have taken SIL's kids out for breakfast at DinerChain. She is willing to let me come by and pick up the key. I say please send FIL out to the car. I cannot bring DD in and then pull her away when she sees her girl cousins (4.5 & 7 y.o.) out with M&FIL. But she knows. Somehow she knows. And no they did not invite us to join them.

Where to start? SIL&Co. are favored. My poor baby gets the shaft. There are a myriad of reasons and I have tried for 5 years to make it different; I've told them how we feel 1000 times. It doesn't change. It's not going to change. But it *still* pisses me off every time this issue comes up. My in-laws are good human beings, but this issue really drives a wedge between us.

So I listen to DD cry on the way home about how not being invited hurts her feelings, about how come M&FIL are not coming to our house, in the end she says, "That's not very nice; it hurts my feelings!" I told her she's right. I told her she should tell MIL that. I told her *I* have told MIL that, but nothing changes. That's when I crossed the line about making MY issue Her issue. Shouldn't have done that. I don't know if DD should tell MIL or not. We'll wait to hear what DH has to say; it's his family.

Maybe it shouldn't be even. Things in life aren't always fair. DD loves MIL, and they love her, but they get along better with SIL's kids because they are a family of introverts. DH is one too. DD is not; she is very much my personality, which is extroverted. I know that they can only handle so much. DD wants to interact; she's an only child, so she is used to one-on-one with the adults in her life; i.e. she is used to being entertained. SIL's kids play with each other and M&FIL are there so often that their presence is not an event like it is here. Plus SIL SAH and HSs, so they don't have any constraints on their time so M&FIL can visit mid week. They have come here occasionally once every 2 months to see DD but it is always for an evening tacked on to the end of a 3+ day visit to SIL&Co. I can understand why they don't spend more time with DD. I just hate them for it at the same time.

Caught up in this is my own guilt about make DD an only. My choice. She would love a sister. I don't want more children bio or otherwise. SIL's youngest is less than a month older than DD. When they were babies, I thought they could grow up together being friends. Reality is we never see them. Christmas and birthdays and a playdate maybe once per year when MIL decides she wants to get the kids together. I asked SIL for playdates for years and she always said no, so I stopped asking. (MIL lives 3 hours away; SIL lives not even 20 minutes.) I'm bitter. Yes, I want them to make their DDs available to be friends with mine because she doesn't have any other family-related children her age. Yes, I want them to make up for my failure to produce a sibling for DD. SIL doesn't and won't because she doesn't need it. Her kids have each other. And she has her head stuck so far up her @$$ that she wouldn't know if one of us died! It wouldn't occur to her to do anything nice for DD except buy her a Christmas present and give it to her on the one-of-two-holidays we actually see them.

I had a sister and we played together when we were young, but we also fought a lot and our adult relationship has been strained. In my head, I know that siblings are not a guarantee of anything. Still, in this moment, DD wants a live-in playmate and it breaks my heart that I cannot give her what she wants. She is not deprived of childhood friends. She goes to preschool 5 days/week, Saturday dance and Sunday school. She does see other children. I've tried to make sure that we don't have an adult-focused house that DD just happens to live in. My baby has everything we can give her: preschool, dance, nice toys (thanks to the deals here!), a beautiful room all her own. SIL's kids sleep on mattresses on the floor in a house that reeks of cat pee; still DD thinks it's the happiest place on earth. Yeah, I suck.

This is NOT how I wanted to start my week!

[wellyes]

Hold up. They basically live part time with the other grandkids, were out to a restaurant with them when you called, and didn't even invite you to stay for some food? How rude. You'd be so much better off if you just didn't have ILs at all.

Sorry for your crappy morning.

And don't worry that your DD doesnt' have a BFF right now. I think most kids preschool-age do not. And it is so crucial for parents to get along in those cases, and I think you should have as little contact with that mean SIL as you can.

[TwinFoxes]

They suck. To not invite their own granddaughter in for breakfast is just lame. I don't know what you should do. You don't want to cut your DD off from her grandparents, but you don't want her feelings to be hurt either. It sucks. :(

[Mopey]

It's too bad your ILs don't understand that variety is the SPICE of life (as are we extroverts! ;))

And as someone who is continually hurt by ILs, I am so sorry. Wish I could offer some advice, but it seems you are doing your best to be honest and protect. Hang in there! :grouphug:

[deborah_r]

I do not understand how your DH allows his family to treat you all this way. I see you've said you've told them 1000 times - has he? It would seem better to go "no contact" with people who treat your DD this way.

[hellokitty]

They suck. I know you have complained about this a lot, and it really does seems so mean for them to leave your dd out like that. Do you parents live close by? I hope your dd can develop a close relationship with your parents, if your in laws seem so closed off to her.

[ha98ed14]

I do not understand how your DH allows his family to treat you all this way. I see you've said you've told them 1000 times - has he? It would seem better to go "no contact" with people who treat your DD this way.

He has. He and I go 'round 'n 'round when this issue comes up. The long and short of it is that they are "good enough" that he doesn't want to cut off contact. They aren't mean; M&FIL are just clueless, and don't know how to deal with the favoritism. They find it easier to be with them than with us. And SIL is selfish. But honestly, I don't think cutting off contact would make them any more less clueless or selfish. They are DH's only family; I understand why he doesn't want to cut them off. He and his dad have a good rapport, finally, after 20+ years of DH feeling like his dad never understood him. Finally, they can connect. The last time I brought up cutting them out of our lives, DH started crying over this issue with his dad. If they did it to be mean, then it would be so much easier.

[ha98ed14]

They suck. I know you have complained about this a lot, and it really does seems so mean for them to leave your dd out like that. Do you parents live close by? I hope your dd can develop a close relationship with your parents, if your in laws seem so closed off to her.

I know. I have complained about this issue since I joined this board. It's been an issue since before DD was born. I'm lucky people still reply! :ROTFLMAO:

It's hard to say how closed off they are. Sometimes they try. In January, MIL decided she wanted to have DD come to her house for the weekend. (That's probably because at Christmas dinner, she realized she hadn't seen her for over 3 months.) So we said fine. We loaded up DD, installed the carseat and off they went. It was supposed to be Friday evening to Monday evening. They brought her back on Sunday morning because they'd had enough of my chatterbox baby who wakes up every morning with an exclaiming "What are we going to do today, Mommy?" She lives deep and sucks all the marrow out of life. I can understand that it's exhausting. It exhausts me too sometimes. I just wish it didn't translate into rejection. No easy answers.

[boltfam]

:grouphug: That sucks. My ILs are the same way with SIL, and she doesn't even have kids yet! I know that my kids are eventually going to get the shaft, and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it is to watch your child to go through that.

I think it is totally appropriate for your DD to tell ILs how her feelings get hurt. It might even be more effective for the ILs to hear it from her than from you or DH.

No, life is not always fair, but it doesn't make unequal treatment any easier to deal with, especially when you're 4 (5?) yrs. old.

You're doing a great job with your DD.

[MontrealMum]

:grouphug: I think you have two separate issues here. My DS is an only, and so am I. Does being an only suck? Yes, sometimes it does. And sometimes it's great. My BFF is one of 7. There are ups and downs to being part of a large family as well. I think there's a difference in feeling sad about your DD being an only, which is OK, and feeling guilty. Which is not. You're making the selfless choice to be the best parents you can to the child you already have.

But the whole thing with your IL's? Wow. Just wow! :47: Quite frankly, I think they're being horribly cruel. I commend you for not putting your DD in the middle and trying to protect her, but it certainly isn't your job to protect your IL's. And now that DD knows maybe it would be a good idea for that sweet little girl to ask MIL to her face why she doesn't want to spend time with DD and why the cousins are favored to overtly. It might bring home to her what a beyotch she's being. Really, how could someone NOT want to spend time with their grandchild. She's just an innocent little child.

[larig]

:grouphug: I think you have two separate issues here. My DS is an only, and so am I. Does being an only suck? Yes, sometimes it does. And sometimes it's great. My BFF is one of 7. There are ups and downs to being part of a large family as well. I think there's a difference in feeling sad about your DD being an only, which is OK, and feeling guilty. Which is not. You're making the selfless choice to be the best parents you can to the child you already have.

But the whole thing with your IL's? Wow. Just wow! :47: Quite frankly, I think they're being horribly cruel. I commend you for not putting your DD in the middle and trying to protect her, but it certainly isn't your job to protect your IL's. And now that DD knows maybe it would be a good idea for that sweet little girl to ask MIL to her face why she doesn't want to spend time with DD and why the cousins are favored to overtly. It might bring home to her what a beyotch she's being. Really, how could someone NOT want to spend time with their grandchild. She's just an innocent little child.

:yeahthat: to so much of this (down to the "I'm an only and so is my DS"... and my DH is 5th of 6 kids). I've always loved being an only child, but my parents were really good at making my family feel bigger than it was. Namely they had many friends who cared about me like aunts and uncles (many of them I actually called aunt and uncle.) A good lesson to teach your daughter is that family can be bigger than we think. (ETA: Your friend and her family come to mind--I know she must feel that way about your DD).

And yes, your in laws are horribly ill mannered. I'd have likely very vindictively invited my DD and myself to join their breakfast.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Will they take dd if you ask? Like if you weren't there too? Is the tension between you and SIL to the point that people have kind of made a plan to keep you apart? eta- rereading it looks like SIL wasn't there. In that case. phooey on them.

[ha98ed14]

Will they take dd if you ask? Like if you weren't there too? Is the tension between you and SIL to the point that people have kind of made a plan to keep you apart? eta- rereading it looks like SIL wasn't there. In that case. phooey on them.

Exactly. No SIL. This was just M&FIL and SIL's kids. I can't even bring myself to call them "DNs" because, while they are themselves just kids like DD, I barely know anything about them other than DD is giddy at the sight of her same aged cousin. It breaks my heart.

Before I married into the family, everything DH's parent did (and even DH where family events were concerned) was at the beckon call of SIL. She called the shots because she had little kids. Makes sense. Except now we *both* have kids; she just has more of them. But the world still revolves around SIL & her kids...

[ha98ed14]

Thank you Larig & Molly! I'm glad to know that there are happy onlies in the world!

[larig]

Thank you Larig & Molly! I'm glad to know that there are happy onlies in the world!

I've been so happy as an only, that our DS is an only by choice.

[belovedgandp]

Sounds like a really cruddy morning. So sorry for the stress on the stress.

I come from a HUGE extended family with grandparents/aunts/uncles that worked super hard to not show any kind of favoritism. My IL-family is a completely different issue. They do favorites like you wouldn't believe. It drives me crazy. Fortunately we live much farther away than any of the other people involved. The brother that lived closer to MIL/FIL and was the non-favored one finally did cut all contact. His kids hit junior high and were realizing that the grandparents never came to one of their games but went to ever single game for the other cousins. It's a pain for us since we now have to visit two different houses when we come to town. We have little contact and see the favoritism but things like games are different when we live so far away.

[niccig]

I'm sorry for the cruddy start to the day.

I've locked myself out many a time - thankfully the high bathroom window doesn't close properly, but then I have to get myself through it. I've since stashed a spare key in the detached garage, which we don't lock.

As for your ILs, you know, it wouldn't hurt for them to hear DD say she wants to see them. Not that I would set DD up to say just that. DS constantly asks when my parents are coming to visit. I've replied "I don't know, you can ask them next time we talk." And he does. My mother says "we're not sure."

I will say that if you think they will flake, any conversation about specifics has to be outside of DD's hearing. My parents were talking about a visit one August on skype. Then they changed their minds. I was the one that had to tell DS, he was heartbroken. DH thinks I should have made my parents tell DS themselves, so they could see how upset her was to get it that you can't flake on a child. I expect them to flake, so I have those conversations in private.

As DD gets older, she's going work out they see her cousins more. I think all you can say is "I do know they love you, don't know why they don't visit us more. I would like them to come more often." It's what I say to DS.

[LBW]

So I call. And yes they are here. And yes they have taken SIL's kids out for breakfast at DinerChain. She is willing to let me come by and pick up the key. I say please send FIL out to the car. I cannot bring DD in and then pull her away when she sees her girl cousins (4.5 & 7 y.o.) out with M&FIL. But she knows. Somehow she knows. And no they did not invite us to join them.

Is it possible that they think you don't want to spend time with them and/or want to keep your daughter away from them? Honestly, that's what I'd think if I was asked to send my husband out with the key. In a similar situation, I would have just gone in with my child and pulled up a couple of chairs and joined them. It wouldn't occur to me to expect an invitation.

I know you have history though...

[fumofu]

And now that DD knows maybe it would be a good idea for that sweet little girl to ask MIL to her face why she doesn't want to spend time with DD and why the cousins are favored to overtly. It might bring home to her what a beyotch she's being. Really, how could someone NOT want to spend time with their grandchild. She's just an innocent little child.

:yeahthat: I agree. I think it's time IL's get to hear from your DD, their granddaughter, how hurt she is that she is outfavored by her cousins. It is not fair for her, and her voice needs to be heard.

[ha98ed14]

Is it possible that they think you don't want to spend time with them and/or want to keep your daughter away from them? Honestly, that's what I'd think if I was asked to send my husband out with the key. In a similar situation, I would have just gone in with my child and pulled up a couple of chairs and joined them. It wouldn't occur to me to expect an invitation.

I know you have history though...

I see your point. It might have been fine if I went in and pulled up a chair, but I am someone who needs them to say, "Oh while you're here, can you stay for a cup of coffee." I felt like a party crasher if I show up and stay. The only reason I was there was out of a desperate search for a key.

For me, it is the fact that they came 3 hours to visit SIL's kids and never even called to ask if they could see DD. Or ask if DD wanted to have a playdate. Or invite DD to breakfast. Sh!t, I would have driven her down there just to spend time with them. But they don't work that way. They have their time and our time and never the two shall meet. SIL's time is just a lot more than ours.

[niccig]

I see your point. It might have been fine if I went in and pulled up a chair, but I am someone who needs them to say, "Oh while you're here, can you stay for a cup of coffee." I felt like a party crasher if I show up and stay. The only reason I was there was out of a desperate search for a key.


How you tried inviting yourself along to things you know they are doing? I have to agree with a PP. I would have gone in, said Hi, pulled up 2 chairs and asked waitress for a cup of coffee, so I could recover from the bad start to the day.

Don't feel like a crasher. It's not like you would be doing it every single weekend or every single activity. Unless of course, they've said they do want to keep things separate. Like today, maybe you could say "Next time you're taking the kids out to breakfast let us know. We would love to join in". That kind of thing.

It's sort of different, but I had an issue that when she visited my MIL hung back and didn't offer to help with dinner, cleaning up etc. I'm used to my mother taking over and just doing things. MIL was waiting for me to ask, as didn't want to step on my toes. Now I know that, you bet I ask her to help me out.

[StantonHyde]

I would have just pulled up a chair. You are NEVER going to hear them invite you. You just aren't. As a good friend of mine said, "don't go looking for milk in the hardware store".

Honestly, for your own mental health you just have to let it go. And find other friends for DD. And decide if you even want to keep reaching out to them. I wouldn't. Let DH do it by himself, but don't involve DD. I think you need to cut emotional ties and you know you need to accept that they totally favor SIL--nothing you will do will change that.

It is their loss. Build a family of your own choosing around DD. It's the only thing you can control and it will make you happy. Good luck!!!

[khm]

Is it possible that they think you don't want to spend time with them and/or want to keep your daughter away from them? Honestly, that's what I'd think if I was asked to send my husband out with the key. In a similar situation, I would have just gone in with my child and pulled up a couple of chairs and joined them. It wouldn't occur to me to expect an invitation.

I know you have history though...

I know this is the BP, but I agree with this. I think you are (naturally and unblamedly) upset when you see them. Your hurt, and defensiveness displayed to them by your facial expression, your body language, tone of voice, or whatever.

But. They might be reading it as you being aloof or mad at them vs. being hurt and disappointed. Is it possible you left and they thought, "Wow, she couldn't even stay? Couldn't even come in? Fine, guess all that about wanting to is us just isn't true. Should couldn't even stand to SEE us."

They aren't thinking about your DD being hurt about seeing the cousins, I just think that type of thing is not on their radar. It is too complex for them to think of.

I dunno, I wouldn't have thought to expect an invitation either, especially given the level of..... awkward that they seem to have goin' on. I'd have just plunked down and ordered. :)

I think that they just plain aren't going to act in a manner that is normal. So, just make it so. "Normal" would have been you joining them for a bit. So, next time, do it with a smile. Fake it 'til you make it and all that.

[SnuggleBuggles]

It drives me batty that my dad and sister wait for invites to things. Dare I forget to send them an invite to something like Easter brunch, which I host every year so it's just an assumed family event imo, and they feel all excluded. I had to lay it all out there for them one day; I'll let them know if I don't want them there. :)

[spunkybaby]

:hug: I'm sorry that it's been so hard with your ILs. The situation totally sucks and is not fair.

That said, I think you have to decide what you want and what you're willing to do to get there. If you really want your DD to spend more time with her cousins and her GPs, then maybe you need to be a "party-crasher" and just pull up a chair instead of waiting for the formal invite. They're introverts, right? So it may not occur to them that you would want to join them (I know you've tried telling them, but it still may not be sinking in because their personalities are so different).

It sucks to have to venture outside of your comfort zone and be where you think you aren't really wanted, but if you truly want these relationships for your DD, maybe this is what you'll need to do because your SIL and your ILs are not going to move towards you and your DD in the way you want.

OTOH, you may decide that you don't need them and that you'll forge other close relationships instead, which is totally valid. It's just that it seems like this is ongoing angst for you even when you've decided that you don't need them, so maybe it's worth putting yourself out there again and again for the sake of your DD. Only you can make that decision, and again, I'm sorry that it's been so yucky to deal with. :hug:

[hellokitty]

It does suck (and don't worry about complaining about the same subject, I am sure others are sick of my top 3 topics of bitching), and I understand feeling bad about being a party crasher. HOWEVER, I would challenge you to party crash at least once to see what happens. It is already a tense situation, I feel as if you don't have anything to lose. Maybe if you party crash by inviting yourself over one day while the in laws are at sils house, they will have a very nice time with your dd and realize that this should be something that they should do more often. Sometimes, ppl get so set in their ways, they don't realize how nice a change can be. Good luck.

[spunkybaby]

Hope things get better. Your DD is lucky to have a mom like you who loves and understands her so much. :hug:

[Pear]

We have noticed some favoritism of MIL and FIL towards BIl's family. I am working really hard to be neutral for my DD. That dies not mean I excuse their behavior. I think telling your DD that she has the right to express her feelings to her grandparents is actually the healthy way to deal with it. Well that and lots of distraction which it sounds like you definitely do.

[anamika]

Wow, that sounds like a crappy start to the day. I can't believe they live 20 mins away and won't get together!

I have an only too and I feel exactly like you do. We have good friends with 2 kids and they will often cancel at the last minute. My DD cries like her heart is broken and those kids are disappointed too but get over it much faster. I think they just go back to playing with each other. I think it is the curse of the onlies!

And the IL drama - we have the same situation my my SIL and her son. But they live in a different country so it is not so obvious except when we visit. Last trip we flew 20 hrs to spend 10 days with ILs. In that time DD's favorite cousin (SIL's kid) spent a grand total of 2 hrs with her. Because of course, missing his weekly yoga class to spend some time with his cousin is not an option.


At the end of the trip, DD told me so sadly that she spent more time on the flight that she did with him!! She had been so looking forward to it and she was so disappointed.

[kijip]

I would have just pulled up a chair. You are NEVER going to hear them invite you. You just aren't. As a good friend of mine said, "don't go looking for milk in the hardware store".

Honestly, for your own mental health you just have to let it go. And find other friends for DD. And decide if you even want to keep reaching out to them. I wouldn't. Let DH do it by himself, but don't involve DD. I think you need to cut emotional ties and you know you need to accept that they totally favor SIL--nothing you will do will change that.

It is their loss. Build a family of your own choosing around DD. It's the only thing you can control and it will make you happy. Good luck!!!

:yeahthat:

I think that if you are going to be around them, now or down the line, you need to change your expectations. It will make things easier. And a break of contact does not need to be forever. Guess who I had a reasonably long and very enjoyable conversation with this week? My brother and SIL. Two and the same as the people who made my life a living hell about 4.5 years ago to the point I had to obtain a restraining order. They finally got most of their sh!t in order and things have thawed. But only because I moved on with my life, did not stress my decision and watched from a distance as the made some big changes. They came for Christmas and Fs birthday and now we are going there this weekend for my niece's birthday. I suppose pigs can sometimes fly.

Still the people who feature most prominently in my life are the family we have made for ourselves. Close friends who are more like siblings whose children we all dote on like blood relatives.

[wallawala]

Deleted, duplicate post

[wallawala]

I know this is a bitching post, and this is off topic but just had to comment on this from one of your early responses:

She lives deep and sucks all the marrow out of life. I can understand that it's exhausting. It exhausts me too sometimes.
This is my DD too. I wanted to tell you I think you described this BEAUTIFULLY! It brought tears to my eyes (in a good way). Good for you for seeing her as one who lives deep!! When she's off on her own, the beauty of living that "living deep and sucking the marrow out of life" will be even more amazing (and easier to appreciate).

Yes, it is exhausting to care for a DC like this, and even more kudos to you for being brave enough to say it and not worry it would be misinterpreted. So... hugs and hang in there with the ILs!

If this had been a one time event with the ILs, I do think they might not have invited you in as they'd assume you were frustrated and in hurry with the key and wouldn't want breakfast. But, they have a long history of this, so I get your frustration totally. What a topper to an already super miserable start to the day! I hope your DD will as an adult be able to reconnect with her cousins, it would be such a vindication of this whole situation! Hugs!

[dogmom]

I know it would be wrong, but if I was in your situation I would be so tempted to say to my DH "Either fix this or we tell our DD you parents are dead so she won't be continued to be hurt." I know, wrong, would bite me in the behind later in life, but what is wrong with some people???