SAHMs: How often does your husband travel?

[mackmama]

DH is thinking about taking a job that will require travel 2-3 days per week. He is thinking about whether he is up for all of that travel. In the meantime, I am trying to process how I feel about it in terms of not having him here as often. Would love to hear thoughts/input from those whose spouses travel regularly. DC is 14mo.

[Globetrotter]

Two days a week most of the time. It's much easier now that the kids are older - in fact, I kind of enjoy having an evening to myself after the kids are in bed. However, when they were little travel was hard on all of us. He leaves early morning A and gets back evening B, so that way it's only one night.

HOw old are your kids?

[megs4413]

mine travels, but nowhere near that frequently. It isn't much of an issue for us (he travels maybe a week a month, sometimes more/less.)

my best friend has a Dh who travels at least that much (sometimes more) and what I've noticed is that when he's home, he's HOME. he really steps in and gets/stays involved when he is there. Additionally, she's really independent, so it's not a huge issue for her. I think it would make me a little lonely. I would say that my major concern would be that my DH might be exhausted by all that travel and therefore, less helpful and present with us when he was at home. That's just my DH, though. Other people have more energy, I'm sure! LOL

ETA:
What's your local support system like? Would you be able to have a babysitter in a pinch? Do you have friends who could keep you company if you were feeling down? How old are your kids? Does your DH travel now?
All of that is stuff that I think would come into play.

[AnnieW625]

It is rare that he travels, maybe three time a year he has to stay overnight somewhere. About six times a year he'll leave before 6 am and won't get back till after 10 pm.

eta: didn't vote because you didn't have a never or rare option. OOPs, just realized you asked about SAHMs, which I am not, however if I were to become one anytime in the near future the schedule would most likely be the same as DH isn't planning on changing jobs anytime soon.

[kaharris83]

My DH travels 2 weeks a month-usually straight. Sometimes very last minute. It was difficult when DS was younger, but it's gotten easier now that DS is older.

[twowhat?]

2-3 days every week is a lot. ESPECIALLY if you don't have some sort of arrangement to give yourself a break.

IMO it really depends. DH is very involved when he's home which, as PP pointed out, makes a difference. When I was a SAHM DH traveled 2-3 times a month for a couple nights each time, and a couple times a year of several nights in a row. I did have family come to help. I actually kind of enjoyed my own little "break" when he was gone because I could relax a little - DH is pretty high-strung. And things like mess and crying just really bothered him more than I would like. Plus I could do everything my own way without worrying about how it goes over with someone else:) So, it really depends. But I do think 2-3 days EVERY week is a lot. Do-able especially if he's involved when he's home and if you have other support.

[wellyes]

I would find that absolutely intolerable. I need a break every day, even just an hour or two, to keep from going nuts.

[SnuggleBuggles]

0 travel at all for dh.

[Melaine]

None for us.

[mackmama]

Interesting thoughts from everyone - most echo my own similar concerns. My one thought is that it would be okay once DC starts preschool. Until then - I agree it would be tough in many ways.

[belovedgandp]

Had varying amounts of travel in my past 8 years as a SAHM. When the travel was the biggest demand and the rest of the time he could really be home. It worked out great. His travel was scheduled with decent notice and I could plan accordingly plus know he'd be available when he was here. I do have great babysitters and one set of grandparents for the occasional break and night out when needed.

But when it was sporadic and last minute it made planning a nightmare. Same goes for when long hours were expected all the time when back at the home office as well as traveling. Those kind of expectations get old really fast.

[Octobermommy]

I would not do well bc like a pp mentioned I need a break daily. Only one child would make it easier but I dont think it is ideal. 2-3 nights a week is a lot to me. Would they be consecutive?

[Momit]

My DH does not travel every week but he is usually gone for about 1 longer trip (5 days) each month. In many ways I think that's easier than a couple of nights each week.

DS and I have gotten into a routine, we go out to eat with a friend one night and to a place DH doesn't care for for lunch one day. It was hard to get used to but now I honestly like some time to myself in the evenings. DS goes to preschool 2 mornings/week and I am home with him the rest of the time.

ETA This schedule was much more difficult when I was also working. I find it much easier to manage as a SAHM.

[Cam&Clay]

Before DH retired from the Army, he was stationed for two years in NC and we are in VA. So, he was gone every week from Sunday afternoon to Friday afternoon. We tried to squeeze in as many three or four day weekends as we could, but pretty much day to day stuff was on me for two years.

We had been through deployments before (he's been gone 6 months on this one now--only 40 more days until he is home!) and he had never lived with us before so we were used to that lifestyle. I think it was hardest on our marriage because on the weekends, he felt he had to cram in as much kid time as possible and there was little time left for us, if that makes sense. The worst part on the kids is that he missed school events, soccer games, etc. but then again with deployments he missed everything.

If he were gone now for just two nights a week, it would seem like nothing to me but it really is what you are used to. Things are more casual when he is gone, but I am regularly exhausted and overwhelmed and I'm not so much when he is here.

[icunurse]

DH had a job offer a few months ago which we found out last minute would be a lot of travel, some international, up to 2 weeks out of every month. DH didn't even have to think about it and turned it down (HR and the job listing had said 10% travel, manager during final interview let it slip that he better like to be on the road). If he *really* wanted to travel for a job (which he doesn't), he would a) need to basically be home a ton the rest of the time and b) make a much bigger salary so that I could have someone come to clean, hire a babysitter for my mental health, etc. Job that DH just accepted is truly <10% travel (they say rarely will he travel if at all) and a big part of the job change was to be closer to home and have better hours for more family time.

[mackmama]

The overnights would be consecutive. I think I would get lonely - at least at first. I think it'd also force me to create more of a community for myself - probably a good thing. It would be a huge adjustment for everyone. I wish these jobs could be "tried out" for a few months so we could see if it worked for us. ;)

[DietCokeLover]

DH doesn't travel, but he is a hospital chaplain and so therefore takes call overnight one night per week, so he sleeps at the hospital. He leaves one day at 2:00 pm and doesn't return until the next day around 5:00 pm.

I kind of enjoy having the bed all to myself one night per week!

[crl]

His travel is very erratic. This year he has only been gone for a week so far. Last year he travelled very little. The year before that he was gone for two or three days at a time every week or two for several months in a row.

When dd was a newborn, it sucked because I had night duty all by myself as well as all day. Now that she is older, it's not a huge deal to me. When he is home he almost never makes it home before dd goes to bed and often not before older ds goes to bed. He never helps with morning routine. So it's not all that much different if he is on travel anyway.

Catherine

[sariana]

He is gone much more than he is here. Most weeks he leaves early Monday morning and returns late Thursday night. Sometimes he stays until Friday. Once a month he stays the weekend in San Diego for the Navy Reserve.

I voted 4 nights even though technically he usually is gone only 3 nights because with all the extra stuff it seems like four. And even when he's here, he's working all the time.

Also, from Christmas 2009 until Thanksgiving 2010 he was deployed, so he was completely gone every night for almost a year.

His parents live about 45 minutes away and help out when I need to go to a meeting or something. But otherwise I pretty much am responsible for the kids (ages 7 and 4), with no personal breaks. Now that DD is in school 3 mornings a week, I do get some "me" time, but until this past September, I had to be with her all the time. We generally do not use sitters if we can avoid it because DH is too cheap.

[plusbellelavie]

My husband currently travels about 85% of the time....it has been like this since we movedback from France and he has to travel not only domestically but internationally as well but that is his position and we knew going in that he would be away a lot sometimes weeks at a time.

BUT this is nothing new for us either I am use to it now. In someways it has gradually increased when my oldest was a baby he was home more regularly and travel sporadically. When my DD was born his travel became more frequent due to his job. Initially I was WOH, then WFH, then WPTFH, and then it got so bad I had to quit because there was no way of knowing week to week where he would be and I couldn't juggle the two LOs and my job and be sane.

When we moved to France and he was traveling 2 to 3Xs a week it was okay a little stressful because it forced me to "deal" with everything even in another language pretty quick. I never plan anything for the kids that I am not the one responsbile for taking them too...any apts, any extra activities, any school function (if I can't find a babysitter for the DS2 then we don't go to the school function if DH is out of town), I handle it all but am use to it.

However when DH is home he is "really" home he does a lot around the house and with the kids. And when he travels he checks in with the older ones either by email or phone calls. I keep him up todate about what is happening in their lives, school, activities, so that when he comes home it is more natural and easier for him to pick up in "our" lives.

I think the key to making things work and less stressful is having your expectations clear for yourself and know that you will be handling things on the homefront more or less yourself. Don't assume that he can pick up the slack even if he wants to so line yourself up good babysitters or neighbors that can help you in a pinch. (I don't have any relatives living close by but I do have other SAHM's who DH's travel a lot who I can lean on and who are there for things...we support each other and listen each other complaints of DH's jet lag, travel, job, etc so that we have a way to let off some steam w/out adding to our DH's stress and "guilt" about traveling!)


I currently have a 11, 9, and 3 year old....the DH's traveling effect them differently even though it is somewhat easier for the older ones to understand why he is leaving and when he is coming back they miss him a lot and love when he is home. DS2 is a bit harder he misses DH a lot when he is gone but when DH comes back DS2 takes a while to "warm" up to him.

One other thing if there is a special event, play, recital, movie, etc that the kids want DH to attend they tell him as far in advance as they can and he puts it in his agenda and does everything possible to be there for it. Which has helped everyone a lot even DH....he may not be here for the daily grind of taking them to practice but he is usually here for the "big day".

HTH...BL!

[TwinFoxes]

I would find that absolutely intolerable.

:yeahthat: There are some days I think I won't make it until I hear his keys in the door! But maybe it's different with a singleton. DH travels just a few times a year, from 3-7 days each trip. It's really tiring and hard. And in general the girls are well behaved, but boy do they take a lot of energy. And the house is a disaster area, because there is zero time to clean. I have no family around to watch them, but when DH travels now I'm sure to line up baby sitters to just give me time to get out of the house (usually grocery shopping) without DDs.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

my dh travels a ton but usually he is gone for one week at a time, per month. not sure if that is easier or harder (sucks when the week he is gone, the kids are sick, or something).

it varies though. last summer, out of 8 weeks he was gone 7 of them (just in town for weekends). it was rotten! we have no family help, which makes it harder. i do have a sitter who comes 2 mornings a week, and that helps tremendously.

[brittone2]

My DH's schedule is somewhat erratic in terms of his travel. He travels for 3-5 days every few weeks, sometimes 6-7 days every few weeks. He sometimes has short overnight trips or 2-3 day trips. Occasionally he travels for more than a week at a time. He has not been gone for longer than 7-8 days so far, but there is a potential for travel that is 7-10 days 1-2x a year too. Right now his coworkers have been covering that but it will be his turn before long.

It is hard. We get into a groove after a few days. The worst thing psychologically is when a flight gets canceled or significantly delayed, which has happened to us a LOT. I hate it when I think relief is finally on the way and then he is stuck in an airport somewhere.

It is hard. We get into a groove after a day or two but it is still a challenge. I have low standards while he is gone, I start the bedtime routine at like 6:30 because with three kids, and it is a lot to do by myself. We HS our kids, so my 8 yo is here every day and so is my 5 yo in addition to the 2 yo.

It wouldn't be so intolerable if we had family nearby but the ILs are an hour away and massively overburdened as it is. We no longer live near my parents, who were always great about giving me some relief. My parents do sometimes drive 9+ hours to lend a hand while Dh is gone, but that can be a bit disruptive to our groove too.

[edurnemk]

DH has worked for a large Management Consulting firm for 2 years. Practically all of his projects have been for clients that are located in other cities or countries. So since June 2010 he has traveled every week M-Th. The only exception has been 2 projects in Chile (he's on the 2nd project now), where because of the distance he only comes home for one weekend every 2-3 weeks (sucks big time). Here's my take on this lifestyle:

The first weeks is awful, I cried every night. Then you get used to it, find your routine and it get easier. Then there's times about every 3 months when I just wake up one day and decide I'm sick of it. After a few days later I'm OK again. It's a cycle. Oh, and you definitely need extra help, I have a housecleaner and my mom babysits when I need it.

It's hard on kids, even though having DS in preschool makes life easier for me, I think as he gets older it's harder on him. He misses his dad, especially when he can't come home every weekend, that's when DS gets really upset and starts acting out. DH used to be the one to give him his bath every night and stuff like that. Sometimes I'm so tired by bedtime, we skip baths frequently. DH also misses out on a TON of stuff related to DS. And I'm freaking out thinking what will happen if he's not around when I go into labor.

DH works crazy hours regardless of where he is, so on the weekends he's so tired he doesn't want to do much. I'm very independent and not very social, so just hanging out at home is OK for me most of the time. Plus he wants all of his free time to be family time, so that's nice.

Traveling so much is exhausting for DH, he's used to it, but he doesn't enjoy it anymore. He could not handle this as a long term thing, his original plan was to do this 2-2.5 years and then look for something with more stability. I don't think this kind of lifestyle is for everyone. So it's important to know if this weekly travel would be permanent for your DH or just for a couple of years.

It's definitely doable, but it's not for everyone and you'll require extra support and help.

[buddyleebaby]

My husband is gone for three days ( 3 16-20 hour shifts)and then home for four-five days.
It works for us because we have that nice stretch of him being home. The kids are fine when he's gone and they instinctively know when he will be back. And sometimes it's kind of nice to have a couple of days to do things on my own with the kids, and be free at night to watch dance moms or read or do whatever I want to do.
There was a time when he was gone for 5 days and home for 2-3 and that was hard. I am glad we don't have to do that anymore.

[MSWR0319]

DH's travel schedule varies. Since the beginning of the year he's been gone at least a couple nights a week most of the time. Out of the last three weeks, he's been home two days, as he was gone a week then left the country for two weeks. It's starting to get really hard on DS. He knows his daddy isn't home. It's hard on me. I get lonely at night. It also hurts our relationship. DH is so tired by the time he calls at night (as am I) that he doesn't have much to say and I need to talk to feel connected. So it causes a lot of frustration. Add to that that when he's been traveling a lot, he seems to forget he's at home now and needs to pick up after himself and help around the house, which causes more arguments.

Then there are times where travel dies down and he doesn't go anywhere for a few months. And it's heaven!! There are many days that I'm ready for him to walk in the door, and it's such a relief when he does. I don't mind the 2-3 day trips here and there, but when he starts traveling a lot it does get hard. We get in our own groove and handle it ok, but it's still hard. As others have said, my standards drop. The house looked like an F5 hit it until DH got back on Sat. Not to mention I had a nasty stomach virus the second week he was gone and then DS got it. Luckily my mom had enough sick days that she could come watch DS for me. I'm very nervous what happens when the new baby comes!

I'd say it's doable, especially if you have a support system and like being alone. But it wears on everyone, including DH. You have to do whats best for your family. Good luck!

[ett]

DH travels about once or twice a year. It's usually for several days at a time.

[megs4413]

mine travels, but nowhere near that frequently. It isn't much of an issue for us (he travels maybe a week a month, sometimes more/less.)

my best friend has a Dh who travels at least that much (sometimes more) and what I've noticed is that when he's home, he's HOME. he really steps in and gets/stays involved when he is there. Additionally, she's really independent, so it's not a huge issue for her. I think it would make me a little lonely. I would say that my major concern would be that my DH might be exhausted by all that travel and therefore, less helpful and present with us when he was at home. That's just my DH, though. Other people have more energy, I'm sure! LOL

ETA:
What's your local support system like? Would you be able to have a babysitter in a pinch? Do you have friends who could keep you company if you were feeling down? How old are your kids? Does your DH travel now?
All of that is stuff that I think would come into play.

I know I'm quoting myself here, but I wanted to add that whether or not your DH has to work when he's home after those travel days is also an important thing to factor in. My Dh works about 12 hours/day when he's NOT traveling. I don't think I could put up with those kind of hours with the addition of having him gone a few days/wk. We're pretty much maxed out on what I can tolerate right now! LOL

[Tinochka]

I voted 4, because my DH is leaving early Monday and coming late Thursday (kids long time in bed). Sometimes he was coming on Fridays, sometimes came another Thursday. I had him couple times coming from intern.flight, change clothes, gone next day... It was crazy. My life had been such way since we got married (going to 7). Although we got lucky, he had a project in the same state for 1,5 years... It was not easy, when kids were tiny, that’s for sure, because for some reason they’ll get sick at the longest stretch, when DH was not available. I started to receive some help, when I stopped BF, but before that I was mostly on my own. It became easier once DS2 stopped BF at 18months and grandparents are taking care of them on Wednesdays... But last year it was crazy: DH traveled on crazy schedule, grandparents went for vacation for 2 weeks, the house went to the market.... on top of that we had a huge load of snow, which I had to clean, because you never know when ppl will request... I was thinking I will not survive: staged furniture, 2 kids, 3 cats and I am on my own.
I guess it depends on your personality. Nowadays I am o’k with that, because I know that’s the way we can have better income. It became easier once DS1 started a preschool (twice a week), next year we are planning to send both of them. I do not afraid of summer time, but dread long winter days (at least they felt such way).
My DH is very helpful, used to stuff a fridge with cooked meals, but for some reason whatever problem we’ll have with a house will pop up, when he is not around... I once fixed the leaking toilet so, that it took DH 3 times longer to take it off, than to put the replacement part:), but I got used to it. I am better with fixing, gardening then with meals.
He also works on Fridays whole day, sometimes even more... I felt like he had even more to do once we had DC2;(. I was glad that he was at home for a month when I had DC1, because he screamed for a month, we never were able to put him down. I would of not survive it on my own.
It’s also hard to see families nearby with DHs, who are coming home at 5:30 p.m. every day, but I try not to think about it and do things my own way.

[edurnemk]

I know I'm quoting myself here, but I wanted to add that whether or not your DH has to work when he's home after those travel days is also an important thing to factor in. My Dh works about 12 hours/day when he's NOT traveling. I don't think I could put up with those kind of hours with the addition of having him gone a few days/wk. We're pretty much maxed out on what I can tolerate right now! LOL

That's very true. My DH has to work a few hours at home, on top of the insane amount of travel. I HATE that. 'Cause when he's home, I want to be able to count on him being HOME 100%. But even when he's here he works until really late at night, and then he puts in AT LEAST 2-3 hours during the weekend from home. So it's no surprise that DH is job hunting and I'm nagging him about it 24/7 ("did you update your lindekIn profile? Have you sent your current resume to so and so?").

I've been super supportive of him and his job but as soon as the deadline we had previously set came I made it very clear I don't want to do this much longer. When he left for Chile 2 weeks ago, I actually cried on his shoulder when we said goodbye, I had never done that, maybe it's de PG hormones, but I bawled like a baby at the thought of 3 months on my own with DS with just a weekend visit every 2-3 weeks from DH.

[ilfaith]

My DH travels quite a bit. Last week he was gone Monday through Thursday, this week he's just gone one night. Next week he's around, but then is gone the entire following week. When he is not traveling, he works from home, which is sometimes even more stressful for me (having to keep the kids quiet or out of the house). There are times that I wish he could just go to an office, leaving in the morning and coming home for dinner. When he works from home there is no set end to the workday.

[niccig]

DH doesn't travel, but he can be home quite late a few nights a week, as in 9pm+, so after DS's bedtime. With his new job, it'll be more than a few nights. I'm used to being on in the afternoons, evenings as that's how it's been since day 1. It's easier now that DS is older, and in school except I hate the rush to activities, do homework then home for dinner. I'm back in school, so I'm studying in the evenings even on nights DH is home.

What helps if he's not going to be home is to have a routine and stick to it. Get our of the house in the afternoons, have an easy dinner in mind, then come home and it's dinner, bath and bed. I have several friends whose spouse has similar schedule. We used to get together at 4pm, have a playdate at someone's house, pot luck for dinner, then leave by 6.30pm to get kids home and in bed at 7.30pm. Once kids are asleep, you just relax - maybe fold laundry in front of TV but nothing else. That's your down time.

You need a good list of babysitters or people you can swap babysitting with, so you don't resent turning down invites when DH can't be home. I never book anything for a weeknight without getting a babysitter. I never know when DH will walk in the door, and I would be angry if I keep missing out on my things. So, I learnt early, babysitter it was.

My SIL complained about her DH's new job that meant he wasn't home to cook dinner. He was only home to eat dinner and then put the kids to bed. I told her she had no idea how lucky she had it. DH has never been home at 5pm.

[american_mama]

Not sure if this is helpful to you because my DH travels about 6 times a year, usually for 2-8 days at a time, almost always air travel. It seems like more, to be honest. His travel is not a huge source of conflict for us, but there is some.

As a backdrop, we have three kids and my DH is a workaholic. We have a lot of existing stress about DH not doing enough around the house. The bad parts is that travel for my DH always extends beyond the actual time he's gone. He either has to prepare a presentation or reviewing proposals in advance, so he's home in body but not spirit for some time before the travel. Then he usually works at night in his hotel room during the travel and comes home exhausted, so he spends 1-2 days at home recovering from his travel, falling asleep right after dinner, complaining about how tired he is/how much work he still has to do, or vegging in front of the TV. If that's your DH's tendency, I'd beware. He occasionally tries to be superdad upon his return to give me a break after all the time I was doing it solo, but those times are rare.

For a variety of reasons, my DH often chooses to fly out of a much larger city 2 hours from here, where his mom lives. But then he ends up leaving the night before his scheduled travel and staying at his mom's, sometimes doing the same thing on the return trip, so he's gone for even longer. We do live in a town with a small and limited airport, so it might not be an issue where you live. School events are also hard when he is traveling; the PTO is usually asking for volunteers during them, which I'm willing to do, but it's hard to do that when I have three kids to manage. Sometimes it feels like he misses tons of school events and I'm jealous of my acquaintances, almost all of whom seem to have both parents at their kids' event. Also, unless I'm willing to spend money on a babysitter, I sometimes have to miss something out-of-the-house that I'd like to do (book club, PTO meeting, church meeting, community event). I occasionally hire a sitter, but it depends on my motivation, budget situtation, and how much advance notice I have.

If your DH has fitness or weight concerns, I think that can be a bit hard to fit into frequent travel. DH is gaining and losing the same 20 pounds a lot lately, because he'll work out, eat better, lose weight, then get busy because of upcoming travel, travel and eat out a lot, come home stressed out (in part due to not working out), gain weight until he eventually psyches himself up to work out again and the cycle repeats. I get tired of hearing him go on and on about each phase of this cycle as though it was new each time.

Oh, another downer. DH is slow to submit for reimbursement for his travel and I never know if he's really submitted for everything he was due. When we have a good financial cushion, it's a minor annoyance, but when our financial cushion is less, waiting for reimbursement is a financial burden and the reimbursement never covers all his expenses (because DH either deliberately or accidentally leaves some expenses off, plus DH is usually responsible for paying for his own meals).

The good parts about his travel: it is easier in ways when he is gone b/c I'm not fighting with him about what he's not doing or aspects of our daily routine that we fight about b/c he's not here. Dinners are simpler and often more processed, and therefore quicker, although I do sometimes start to crave homemade entrees and more well-rounded meals that I only want to bother with if there's another adult to eat and enjoy it. Mornings are hard for me, since I am not a morning person, but at least they are quieter and more peaceful. (DH is loud in the morning.) DH has also earned a lot of frequent flyer miles, although not as much as I'd hope b/c sometimes he doesn't consolidate travel on 1 or 2 airlines. He also probably doesn't get miles for as much stuff as he could, and I've always known that nagging him about that was futile.

Well, I wrote way too much for someone whose DH travels only 6ish times a year, but I hope I mentioned some fresh points to consider.

[Neatfreak]

Mine is away typically for two trips a month of 3-4 nights at a time. It's been this way for a couple of years now, and it's alright. We miss him, but the two kids and I have a nice routine, and in some ways our days are less complicated.