petty rant - but i need it

[lmh2402]

i. hate. the au pair process.

i hate it. i hate all the agencies we are trying to deal with. the CS is awful in two out of the three - haven't gotten all the way through the nine million page, gagillion word application process for the third, so can't yet judge their CS.

the au pairs we've looked at so far are not great - feel like the candidate pools are...just not good.

feel like we are totally floundering.

and/BUT i should say, i feel like IIIII am totally floundering

b/c DH is "all for this." he's the one who's pushed it really. yet he is unable to participate in anything. his schedule allows him no time.

i mean, it's 11:50pm and i'm sitting here still trying to search profiles and fill out applications. and he's STILL at f-ing work.

and i'm just full of dread that we will not find someone. and i will end up having this baby. and he will never be here. and i just don't know how i will manage it all.

i can't even manage what i've got right now.

i hate everything. seriously.

yes. life could be worse. i know that. so much worse.

but right now, i feel like crying for a million years and i just. need. sleep.

and some help. please god, i need to know that i'm going to get some help.

[HannaAddict]

Start looking for a nanny. More money but less headache. I would trade the hours of an au pair for a great p/t nanny. Sorry, it is no fun doing this alone and I hope your husband is able to take some meaningful time off when baby arrives.

[niccig]

Start looking for a nanny. More money but less headache. I would trade the hours of an au pair for a great p/t nanny. Sorry, it is no fun doing this alone and I hope your husband is able to take some meaningful time off when baby arrives.

:yeahthat:

As someone whose DH has worked crazy hours and will work even more with his new job, this is my take - if DH isn't here to deal with it, and can't even deal with setting it all up, he gets less of a vote.

Yes, I know that DS is his child too, but DH isn't the one trying to manage it all. I'm the one that does all of that, all 99.5% of it. So, if something works better for me, then that is what we do.

DH doesn't like it when I get like this. I usually start with explaining why it can't be how it wants. But if he gets pig-headed, I tell him fine, here's the au pair application, deadline is x, have at it. Oh, and any future issues rising from this, eg au pair doesn't work out, it will be all on you to deal with it and come up with a fix. And I walk away. Either he then does it, or he agrees to let me do what's easiest for me.

If you don't want an au pair. Don't get one.

[niccig]

OK, so my post may have been a bit harsh.

Go to bed, finish this application off in the next couple of days. Tell DH that it's not looking good because of candidate pool. This is your last attempt. Need to have something lined up by x date. If not, then pt-nanny it is.

THEN if DH still gets pig-headed, throw the application at him and tell him to take care of EVERYTHING as you are done.

[MamaMolly]

Not a petty rant at all! You have a lot on your plate. And it is hard to make decisions when you are tired. Mojo coming your way that a passel of qualified candidates lands at your door!

Niccig I don't think your post was harsh. I think it supports OP and affirms that DHs can have great ideas but need to be willing to do some of the leg work too.

[lmh2402]

thanks, ladies

nicci - not harsh at all. we are both just stretched so thin. he didn't come in last night until 12:30, at which point i was on my way upstairs and we argued a bit about who needs/wants what, and who has time for what

but it's hard b/c really...neither of us has the time! we're both juggling a ton of ish right now.

hanna - i would do the nanny option, but the flexibility of the au pair is what's really the most (almost the only) appealing thing - the fact that i can have someone in my house as early as 7am. and as late as 9pm. and i can manage those hours as i see fit and needed...and i change the schedule whenever i might need to

that's pretty much impossible with a nanny. KWIM?

and/plus, before we started looking at au pairs, i was actually speaking with nanny agencies and the process wasn't all that much less time consuming.

i just needed to whine last night. today i am near delirious at work, but feeling less awful than i felt last night.

thanks for the feedback and support.

[firstbaby]

I'm sorry - I know it is a painful process. We had a few au pairs before I started staying home. The agencies will give you subpar candidates unless they realize that you will not select someone until they are the right person. It is just the way it works. They actually sent us a girl with a sun allergy. We live in a sunny state. With young boys who need to get out and RUN. We live at the pool in the summer. How was that a good candidate?

And, yes, while you do get to set their schedule, once they start classes and have friends it will make it a challenge to constantly change their hours. The girls can be really picky with what they are looking for in a host family and location, number and age of kids and set schedule are some of their biggest factors. Just something to consider. I would be perfectly happy not living with someone again wanting to throw a tantrum over working a few hours on a (rare) weekend. ;)

[HannaAddict]

I would talk to some moms in your area about IRL experiences with au pairs. It is not as flexible as billed, they are not like Alice in the Brady Bunch, willing to work at 7 or until 9 and can't be changed around all the time. They are much more like petulant teens, especially if they don't have structure and crystal clear expectations. Just a reality check versus the marketing materials of the agency! We tried the live in nanny deal and it was not a good experience and she was less flexible or available than when she lived out since she was so worried about being taken advantage of - she paid zero rent and we got 3 hours of sitting before we asked her to leave. That said, we know lots of nannies that arrive by 7 but fewer that are available that late at night. It will be a hard sell to keep a good au pair. Also, the best au pairs want the best cities and best neighborhoods too (San Francisco, NY, LA, Seattle, Boston, etc.) so you are competing with other families. Not saying it can't work, but I would adjust my expectations so as not to be frustrated. Good luck!!