How are you dealing with jealous DC1?

[urbanmommy]

As we get closer to my due date - April 6th - my DD is starting to exhibit a lot of jealousy toward the impending baby - especially around the presents for the new LO. Last night she had a complete meltdown when i wouldn't let her put on a pair of size 0-3mo baby legs. This morning she took one of the new fleece baby blankets that we received to preschool with her. i really didn't want her to but it was turning into such a showdown and we were late so I let her.

I can see this from her perspective "why is this new baby getting all these presents and where are my presents?!" and I also realize that the bay doesn't care if she uses this blanket, it can and will be washed, etc. At the same time, I want to establish some boundaries and not just let her commandeer every gift. How do I do this while respecting her anxiety and frustration over losing her only child status? I realize that this is the first of many battles but if this is a precursor for future behavior DH and I are in big trouble. :eek:

[BabyBearsMom]

My sister did something that I thought was really smart. Her DS1 wanted a toy that had been given to then-unborn DS2. My sis said fine but DS1 had to replace it with a toy from his own collection. Also when she was pulling out stuff for the new baby her DS1 kept commenting on how each item was "mine." Sis would correct him and say that all of the items belonged to her so she could use them with her babies. I thought those were very good answers.

Have you tried letting your DD1 help with the baby stuff? My DD gets jealous of the stuff in theory but then gets excited when I invite her to help me do things with it. She has helped put away all the baby clothes and toys in the nursery. I try to involve her whenever possible even if it means I have to go in and reorganize during nap time. I also made sure that when I brought home all the stuff from the shower that I had a few gifts for her as well. That way she was distracted from the baby's new stuff.

[swissair81]

I don't remember having this problem. We don't buy anything for the new baby or get presents before the birth, so maybe that's why. Jealousy in my house usually takes the form of sleep issues and crankiness. With one of my kids we had to keep the baby swing in a gated room or dd was liable to climb on the baby. When my last baby was born I bought a gift basket for my kids from the baby and I gave it to them when I came home from the hospital. They were thrilled.

[urbanmommy]

My sister did something that I thought was really smart. Her DS1 wanted a toy that had been given to then-unborn DS2. My sis said fine but DS1 had to replace it with a toy from his own collection. Also when she was pulling out stuff for the new baby her DS1 kept commenting on how each item was "mine." Sis would correct him and say that all of the items belonged to her so she could use them with her babies. I thought those were very good answers.

Have you tried letting your DD1 help with the baby stuff? My DD gets jealous of the stuff in theory but then gets excited when I invite her to help me do things with it. She has helped put away all the baby clothes and toys in the nursery. I try to involve her whenever possible even if it means I have to go in and reorganize during nap time. I also made sure that when I brought home all the stuff from the shower that I had a few gifts for her as well. That way she was distracted from the baby's new stuff.

That is good advice re: letting her help with putting things away, etc. Its hard for me to let go, especially right now when I feel like there's so much to do, but letting her pitch in might distract her from wanting everything and make her feel more a part of things. I'm planning on giving her several gifts from the baby to her when the baby is born but I know i would be jealous seeing all this new stuff coming into the house and none of it for me if I were a kid.

[brittone2]

THese may not help right now but I'll toss out these ideas:

If lots of people are hyping up the "big sister" thing, that can backfire for some kids, including after the birth. Because they may want to *be* the baby, and reminding them they aren't can just make it worse. That "big sister" label can be great for some kids, but a trigger for other kids.

Some older sibs respond well to being babied. Maybe that would help meet some needs right now and after the birth. Show her pics of her as a baby and you holding her, wrap her up like you are swaddling her after a bath and talk baby talk to her, that kind of thing. It may help to continue it after the baby is actually born. "Babying" them and meeting that need can actually kind of help a bit IME.

Those suggestions don't exactly have to do with the "stuff" and presents, but it may kind of be tied into that. Maybe that's what she's wanting, kwim?

[Mopey]

I'm planning on giving her several gifts from the baby to her when the baby is born but I know i would be jealous seeing all this new stuff coming into the house and none of it for me if I were a kid.

I have absolutely NO experience so please take this with a grain of salt but with my DN's the present thing got very tricky. They did this before/when the second was born; then at the seconds baptism the amount of presents for the first child was pretty ridiculous IMHO and it has gotten worse from there. Now it is at the point where their first expects just as much or more on any occasion when the second would receive a present and it's not stopping. Not all the presents came from just the parents obviously. As an observer it just has me wondering if they should have started in the first place?

I do think including your first with the preparations is nice and not all about being the bigger sibling. And maybe showing pictures and explaining how you took care of her the same way might help?

Anyway, just a total novice's thoughts :)

[amldaley]

Here are some things we did with DD1 starting about 6 or 8 weeks before due date...

- took her to a sibling class at the hospital
- took her on a big sister date where she picked out a gift for DD2 herself then got to pick anywhere she wanted for dinner (IHOP of all places!)
- talked to her about being a big sister - constantly
- let her help me pick things out for DD2, ask her opinion
- compliment her on how well she takes care of her dolls, role play with DD1 and dolls
- big sister tee

now that DD2 is here.....DD1 gets to run special errands with Daddy, the first 5 minutes when she gets home from PS are all about her, enlist her help with things a big sister can do.

That said, we still have meltdowns....almost daily...but her anger is not directed at DD2 and she is getting better. It's hard not to be the star of the show after an entire lifetime in the spotlight!

[amldaley]

I have absolutely NO experience so please take this with a grain of salt but with my DN's the present thing got very tricky. They did this before/when the second was born; then at the seconds baptism the amount of presents for the first child was pretty ridiculous IMHO and it has gotten worse from there. Now it is at the point where their first expects just as much or more on any occasion when the second would receive a present and it's not stopping. Not all the presents came from just the parents obviously. As an observer it just has me wondering if they should have started in the first place?

I do think including your first with the preparations is nice and not all about being the bigger sibling. And maybe showing pictures and explaining how you took care of her the same way might help?

Anyway, just a total novice's thoughts :)

I agree....we gave DD ONE gift....it was a LeapPad to keep her busy and to help illustrate that she is a BIG girl not a baby....

She was super happy to get a big sister balloon from her auntie, too. That thing lasted three weeks!

[amldaley]

Just remembered a few more....showed her pics and vids of when she was a baby....which she loves...and when she has a meltdown, I give her lots of hugs, kisses and backrubs b/c I think she is missing out on some of the physical affection which is now shared with DD2 (we are a very touchy feel huggy kissy family).

[Mopey]

- took her on a big sister date where she picked out a gift for DD2 herself then got to pick anywhere she wanted for dinner (IHOP of all places!)

A girl after my own heart! I have never been to an IHOP but breakfast for dinner ROCKS :D

And I think getting to pick out a present for her little sib herself is awesome! Love that idea :)

[amldaley]

They showed a vignette from this DVD in the sibling class sponsored by the hospital.

http://www.amazon.com/Clifford-Block-Artist-Not-Provided/dp/B000CRR3MY

[lizzywednesday]

I have absolutely NO experience so please take this with a grain of salt but with my DN's the present thing got very tricky. They did this before/when the second was born; then at the seconds baptism the amount of presents for the first child was pretty ridiculous IMHO and it has gotten worse from there. Now it is at the point where their first expects just as much or more on any occasion when the second would receive a present and it's not stopping. Not all the presents came from just the parents obviously. As an observer it just has me wondering if they should have started in the first place?

....

Anyway, just a total novice's thoughts :)

BTDT with the nieces & nephew. It came to a head when we went to a party for the younger niece & older niece came to MIL with her hand out and demanded a present.

I haven't seen MIL bring a present for the non-event child since.

As for the new baby/older DC, how much of an age-difference is there between your two, OP?

I'm almost 4 years older than the next sib down from me. One of my fondest memories about being the big sister was being taken by one of my mom's church friends to the florist to buy mums for mom. It's 30 years later and I remember the way she said "mums for mum" so clearly!

Anyway, one of the things that helped was a suggestion from La Leche League that the older DC get a "baby" of their own to take care of BEFORE the new baby arrives. My aunt used this tactic with her children, who are all about 2 years older than the next one down, and it worked very well.

I really like the suggestion to let your DD help out with the stuff for the new baby. It'll allow you to spend some time with her and she'll feel a little more in control of the situation, KWIM?