Is this reasonable?

[MSWR0319]

Im trying to keep this short, as it could turn into a long story. Here's a bit of the back story: when I delivered DS, DH called everyone immediately upon walking into the hospital. His parents came rushing to the hospital, even through I had explicitly stated I didn't want anyone there until I was close to delivering and noone was coming in until we had the baby. Apparently DH didn't pass this info on. My parents didn't come because they knew my wishes. Throughout the day FIL kept knocking on the door asking what was going on, walked in a couple times when I was naked in the tub,etc. I had to ask the nurses to kick hm out because DH wouldn't say anything. Needless to say, I wasn't overly excited aout the experience. DH says last night well it was their first grandchild. Um....it was OUR first CHILD. So fast forward to the discussion about the birth this time.

I told DH last night I don't need an audience this time. He acted like I was being totally unrealistic. MIL didn't go to the hospital with SIL ( her own daughter) until they called her and told her the baby was born. I don't think I'm being crazy. Is it wrong of me to ask him to tell his parents that they can't come in until we get moved into our post partum room? I'll be in the labor room until an hour or so after the baby is born so I can nurse,etc. then go into the room ill
stay in. I'd like some time for us to bond. My parents won't be there because they'll have DS and the hospital is an hour away, so they'll come when we call. Also, is it wrong of me to ask that his mom not be at our house when we get home from the hospital? DS will be needing some time to adjust and I want us to have time as a family to settle in without MIL's input on everything. She was kind enough to go home last time w/o us asking but apparently DH told her she could stay this time. I don't need someone at my house who sleeps till 10 and doesn't help with anything. She's never even changed a diaper and DS is 3.5! So am I wrong to request no audience during a labor and no house guests immediately after? I don't want to be rude, but I think our family should come first.

[MSWR0319]

So much for keeping that short! Sorry!

[AngelaS]

I agree. You might have to be the one to speak up. Are you close to your sil? Can she drop some hints too?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree. You might have to be the one to speak up. Are you close to your sil? Can she drop some hints too?

:yeahthat:

We didn't tell people we were in labor with ds1; called when he was born. With ds2, my parents knew since they were watching ds1 but they also knew that I didn't want people till we were ready (a few hours after ds2 was born). Just lay it out there.

[ast96]

It is completely reasonable to ask that nobody come until after the birth and your settling in. It is also completely reasonable to arrange for a hotel room for your MIL. Then she can sleep as long as she wants and come over to play with your DS in the afternoon if she wants.

I think you need to have a conversation with your DH more than your in-laws. Doesn't he understand how major childbirth is for you? Why won't he support you more?

[daisymommy]

All of your thoughts and desires are perfectly reasonable, normal desires--and ones that most other moms (including myself!) have. I'm sorry, but your DH just doesn't "get it"...along with many other men. They have no understanding or frame of reference what it is like physically and emotionally to give birth. To them its like you went in for a check up and came home with a baby. End of story. Like, why wouldn't you want everyone around all the time? ;)

You really need to describe in detail to your DH how it feels to you, open up to him, and lay out what the deal breakers are with labor and delivery, as well as post partum. Tell him this is not just up to him and his wants, but that you have a larger say in the decision since you are the one giving birth.

Ask him how he would feel if he was naked and in terrible pain and your mother was in the room? Would he want your family there while he got a vasectomy? How about barging in the room 5 minutes later? You have to bring it down to their level sometimes ;)

[MSWR0319]

:yeahthat:

We didn't tell people we were in labor with ds1; called when he was born. With ds2, my parents knew since they were watching ds1 but they also knew that I didn't want people till we were ready (a few hours after ds2 was born). Just lay it out there.
This is what was supposed to happen. Apparently DH lost all brain cells and forgot this. Maybe I should take his phone away this time ;)


Ask him how he would feel if he was naked and in terrible pain and your mother was in the room? Would he want your family there while he got a vasectomy? How about barging in the room 5 minutes later? You have to bring it down to their level sometimes ;)

Yeah, DH totally doesn't get it. Not that he's not trying, he just plain doesn't get it. I'm thinking the vasectomy story might help :D Although he shuts down at the mention of the big V word, so I may have to be careful there too. I have an appt this afternoon and I think I'll bring up the whole thing again tonight and lay out the "rules". Then he has approx 2-3 weeks to relay the info. He's so non confrontational with his family, but at work or anywhere else, he has o problem telling what he thinks! Ugh! I just don't want to be the bad guy, but guess I might have to.

[Liziz]

You are being completely reasonable!!!


DH says last night well it was their first grandchild. Um....it was OUR first CHILD.

This type of "is this a grandchild or our child" thing reminds me exactly of a similar problem/concern I had before DD's birth. Almost all the lovely mamas here told me to stick to my guns...it's YOUR CHILD first and foremost...the grandparents can wait!

It sounds like you just need to be very explicit with your husband about what is and is not okay with you -- and everything you stated in your post sounds completely reasonable. I agree with the PP....it's nice when you and DH can agree fully, but at the end of the day, you're the one that's been lugging this kid around for the past 9 months, you're the one that will be going through labor and delivering, etc....you're the one who gets the final say here.

(Oh -- and if you don't think DH will be able to handle it, and you're afraid your IL's will show up at the hospital again, then I suggest just letting your nurse know as soon as you get there that you don't want any visitors in L&D, period -- don't even ask, just turn them away. It seems something most L&D staff are happy to do. And when you're moved to the postpartum area, you could say the same thing...."please, no visitors for the next 2 hours".)

Good luck!

[Smillow]

I remember reading a Dear Abby/Ann Landers column where someone suggested that her MIL could be present at the birth after the DH changed a tire in front of his FIL/MIL - naked. I think he owes you a show...

I would be very upset and very direct and might even get a counselor involved in this situation.

[swissair81]

I remember reading a Dear Abby/Ann Landers column where someone suggested that her MIL could be present at the birth after the DH changed a tire in front of his FIL/MIL - naked. I think he owes you a show...

I would be very upset and very direct and might even get a counselor involved in this situation.

I don't care how many tires my husband changes in front of my parents, his parents are not invited to view me giving birth. Neither are my parents, siblings, or anyone else for that matter. I like to be alone when I give birth. Last time my husband went to sleep, and I was happy about it.

[hellokitty]

Um, do we have the same DH and mil? Your experience was close to my experience with DS1. I was livid at DH that his parents, esp his mom was all in my business (they showed up within 30 min after I had the baby, so nobody was peeking in while I was in labor, BUT I did not have any privacy at all (only a curtain for the bathroom and my mil would not leave, she insisted she was going to wait for my parents and then b*tched about it when my parents took several hrs to get there since they didn't visit until after work) and BFing was a disaster. She kept telling me, "you're not doing it right," but had absolutely NO useful advice to give me (and she BF'd two babies, so I don't understand how she could be so clueless). DH wanted his mom to stay and, "help," but like yours, my mil doesn't know how to do anything and in fact expects to be waited on. I just sucked it up, told DH I did not want his mother there and after he went back to work (1.5 wks), I was on my own. I would rather be on my own, than have to deal with my mil living with us and being constantly annoyed with her and STILL having to do all of the work, plus more.

So, no, you are NOT unreasonable. Your DH needs to grow a set of balls and tell his parents to back off! My DH did not try to pull the same stunt with the delivery with my last two, b/c he knew after the first one that I'd probably strangle him on the spot if he called his mom again before the baby arrived. Although, he was dumb enough both times to suggest his mom come to, "help." I know she isn't helpful too (I'm not just being negative), b/c mil went to, "help" my sil and my sil was miserable, b/c my did not help at all and in fact made things worse for sil. Stand your ground. Hire a post-partum doula if you need to. There is nothing worse than getting, "help" from an annoying relative who does anything, but help.

[swissair81]

Adding to my last post, my 2nd baby (my first with DH) was born at 2 something am, I was exhausted, and DH put me on the phone with his mother after a fast, brutal labor while they were sewing me up without the benefit of an epidural. Let's just say I had a cow. He's officially not allowed to make any phone calls in which I have to talk, until I say I'm ready. It wasn't about his parents either. I LOVE his parents. I'm practically a daughter in their house. I didn't want to talk to anyone. When he gives birth, he can talk to whomever he wants, whenever he wants to. Until then, my rules rule.

[edurnemk]

You are being VERY reasonable. This is not about the IL's, it's a about YOU, you have enough on your plate, to have to think about making everyone else happy at this time. I would totally loose it of FIL or MIL walked into my room while I was in labor. Why should they be there? You're in pain, totally exposed and trying to concentrate in giving birth. That is no time for visitors. You're not depriving them of anything, they will get to see the baby when he is born.

We didn't call anyone but my mom, when I went into labor. DH called his parents right before I was moved into my post-partum room. And my mom called my dad then, too.

Your DH should be supporting YOU, but if he's like mine it's unlikely he'll stand up to his parents.

My IL's sound very much like mine (especially the part about sleeping late, and not helping and wanting to be waited on!), and honestly I would just tell them myself, in a very polite way, that you don't want them to come to the hospital until the baby is born because labor is a difficult and vulnerable time and having so many people there makes you uncomfortable. Reassure them they will get to see the baby and spend time with him, but you just need your space during labor. And also thank her for her "offer" to stay with you at home, but tell her you prefer for her to visit during the day and she doesn't need to stay, you don't need to explain further.

I suggest this because it doesn't seem like your DH will tell them, I had to resort to telling the IL's everything myself and it worked better than I anticipated (I did it with DH present so they couldn't lie about what or how I said it)

[smiles33]

I couldn't read and not post. Pull out the full-blown diva if you have to, but this is YOUR body and your pregnancy. I had to do it with my own mother, who practically wanted to be in the car with me on the drive TO the hospital. Sigh. After a major bawling session (I was sobbing!) where I emphatically said I wanted NO ONE in the room except DH and doctor/nurses until we called, she finally gave in. Threaten to kick your DH out, too, if he pulls any of this BS on you again. You do what you have to do to minimize the stress of an already stressful experience.

[MamaSnoo]

I support you 100%. If you have to, show DH this thread.

The image of him changing a flat naked (add in Daisymomma's terrible pain for good measure) only begins to cover it.

I am so greatful that the ILs live 700 mi away in our case. No way I would have MIL, FIL, stepMIL, BIL, SIL or any other IL in the room.

I am actually pretty happy that my owb parents will not be able to be there for DS's birth next month. The first time I had a CS for breech, so thankfully my mom could not insist on being there (only DH allowed in the OR). This time she and my dad will have to watch DD. Great job for them....at my house, far from my anatomy. I had enough issues with boundaries the first time. (My mom kicked DH out the first night "so he could sleep" and insisted on staying with me. It was not what I wanted, but she did not listen.) This time, I am sticking up for myself. You should too....good luck. I hope it goes well, with just the support you want and no extra drama!

[mctlaw]

Absolutely, you are being totally reasonable. I am anticipating my own issues but with my own mom and am dreading the discussion but oh well. My mom was not a problem in the delivery room but did unilaterally purchase a plane ticket and arrived a week before my due date (then DS was 5 days late!) and stayed at my house to ensure she would not miss the big day. She was somewhat helpful but I just wanted those last days of peace in my house and it was annoying to have someone always there.

Now we live 2 1/2 hours apart so there is no need for her to do this but we have already made arrangements for MIL/step-FIL to come right after the birth to help out (since they are far more able-bodied and actually helpful so I will be telling my mom they are invited for a visit after a couple weeks passes.

Anyway, just wanted to commiserate. DH totally needs to take this burden from you since it is him mom & dad! And I would be furious if FIL repeatedly barged in while I was laboring!

[daisymommy]

You know, I started thinking, I wonder how many of these people have a real clue what labor and delivery is like? They come from an era when women were drugged up in "twilight sleep"--literally knocked out during vaginal birth. Men were often not allowed in the room at all. So they may have no concept of reality. Either that or they have forgotten.

Wouldn't it be something if they were in the room and you started screaming bloody murder, full on flip out mode, complete with curse words? That might make them all run out and never try to return again :tongue5:

[ast96]

My mom and my MIL were not from any era where women were knocked out. They are younger than that. There's no excuse!

[elektra]

OMG you are being totally reasonable!

I think my head would spin around my head 360 degrees if my FIL were to walk in on me in while I was naked and in labor! I seriously think my DH would be in fear for his own life at that point.
We never even called anyone until DD was born, and then with DS, we only called my parents as they had DD with them. Nobody was invited to the L&D.

I would see if your DH can just wait until after you have the baby to even call his parents, and if for whatever reason he cannot contain himself, he needs to make it clear that you only want visitors in recovery.

It is not about them and their grandchildren!

[hellokitty]

You know, I started thinking, I wonder how many of these people have a real clue what labor and delivery is like? They come from an era when women were drugged up in "twilight sleep"--literally knocked out during vaginal birth. Men were often not allowed in the room at all. So they may have no concept of reality. Either that or they have forgotten.

Wouldn't it be something if they were in the room and you started screaming bloody murder, full on flip out mode, complete with curse words? That might make them all run out and never try to return again :tongue5:

Yeah, even my DH doesn't like being with me. He keeps asking, "are you sure you don't want the epidural?" Which is dumb, b/c it just pisses me off even more when he says that. I think that ppl seriously forget what it's like. IDK about my mom, but as far as I know, my mil gave natural birth. I don't understand her preoccupation with wanting to be IN the room during the delivery. She missed sil's, b/c they live out of state, but she kept telling me she wanted to be there for mine, even though I told her it was a bad idea. Sometimes I think it is about being the first grandparent to see the baby. I know that my mil felt very smug that she got to see all of her grandkids before my parents or my sil's parents did. It's a stupid way to think, but you just never know what is going on in their heads.

[DrSally]

Add me to another one who thinks you are being totally reasonable. I agree, too, that DH is the one that needs talking to. He needs to understand your wishes and respect them. Love the trade off of changing a tire naked in front of his in laws, Lol!

[MSWR0319]

Yeah, even my DH doesn't like being with me. He keeps asking, "are you sure you don't want the epidural?" Which is dumb, b/c it just pisses me off even more when he says that. I think that ppl seriously forget what it's like. IDK about my mom, but as far as I know, my mil gave natural birth. I don't understand her preoccupation with wanting to be IN the room during the delivery. She missed sil's, b/c they live out of state, but she kept telling me she wanted to be there for mine, even though I told her it was a bad idea. Sometimes I think it is about being the first grandparent to see the baby. I know that my mil felt very smug that she got to see all of her grandkids before my parents or my sil's parents did. It's a stupid way to think, but you just never know what is going on in their heads.

MIL was not drugged up as she continues to tell me how horrible the experience was and how she hated giving birth. Then stay home during my delivery lady!! I think you may be on to something with being the first grandparents there because my mom followed our wishes.

[AshleyAnn]

You are giving birth - it is totally ok not to want an audience. His parents werent waiting outside your bedroom when this baby was made were they? This is just as private. I had people show up super earlier for my delivery and I hated it. Never again. My mom and my baby daddy. No one else. Except maybe a doctor.

I would never want house guests after having a baby. Your house is in enough turmoil without extra people.

[Swallowbird23]

I asked a similar question a few months ago prior to the birth of our first child. Everyone said to put my foot down and do what I felt comfortable with, and I'm SO glad I did! It was so much more relaxing to not have to worry about people coming and going and giving updates to people in the waiting room, etc.

Luckily, I had the support of my DH though after talking it through with him. (it did take some convincing though of why I didn't want other people in the room at all during my labor)

We ultimately decided that we would call our parents to let them know we were going to the hospital, but no one was to come until we were moved into the post partum room and all settled. DD was born at 9:17am and our parents came to visit around 1pm. I would have liked my mom to be able to come earlier, but we thought it was easier to just have everyone wait and my mom said she had "waited 9 months to see the baby, a few hours isn't going to make a huge difference." I was so glad she was easy going about it.

We also asked for no visitors as soon as we got home (and we didn't even have another child to work with!) I think you have every right to ask for that time alone as a family. We went home around noon and had visitors that evening.

[sntm]

I completely agree with you. I didn't let anyone come to my first birth (easy since they were out of town) but my mother and sister came after we were discharged and somehow I ended up at the f'ing Plow and Hearth outlet shopping and going out for lunch with a 3 day old.

I have forbidden any relatives from visiting for 3 weeks and any locals can't visit till I give the okay and then for no more than 20 minutes and only if they bring food. I'm really not caring if anyone thongs I'm crabby.

[MommyAllison]

I was even more strict with visitors at the hospital the second time around - we didn't allow any. We wanted to get discharged ASAP and not have DD1 come to the hospital, but also wanted DD1 to be the first to meet DS. So I think you are totally fine with your requests. :) Definitely make your wishes known before you are in labor!

[hillview]

You are being reasonable. Dh needs to step up. This will be the first of a long list of things he will have to sort with his parents - kids make things more complicated :)

[MSWR0319]

Ugh.... The saga continues. Apparently DH hasn't said a word. MIL called me and said "I just cleared off my schedule for May, just waiting on the call." um......no, you are not staying here for a month. I know you did for SIL but that was your daughter and she asked you to come. There will be a long long conversation with DH tonight. I wish I was more assertive, I should have just said something when she called.

[AnnieW625]

Good luck. I had no one but DH with me when I had DD1, when I had DD2 my sister was with DD1 at my house. That's it. I did have an aunt, and cousin who stopped by when DD1 was a couple of days old, but honestly I loved not having visitors until my kids were 2 weeks old, at least. My sister did stay for a couple of days when DD2 was home, but no others for a couple of weeks.


I like to be alone when I give birth. Last time my husband went to sleep, and I was happy about it.

:yeahthat:
DH fell asleep both times when I was in non active labor. I was perfectly happy not having any extra people in the room with us or even in the hospital, and somehow DH sleeping made it pretty peaceful as well.

[daisymommy]

You: "Okay, great! we'll call you after the baby is born and I've had a nap!" ;)

But oh please don't tell me she honestly thinks she is staying the whole month?! Hello over staying your welcome! Tell your DH he has to make the call tonight or tomorrow. End of story.

[edurnemk]

You: "Okay, great! we'll call you after the baby is born and I've had a nap!" ;)

But oh please don't tell me she honestly thinks she is staying the whole month?! Hello over staying your welcome! Tell your DH he has to make the call tonight or tomorrow. End of story.

:yeahthat: And you might add "either you tell her, or I will, you have until tomorrow" Works for me.