s/o Where will your aging/aged parents or ILs live? What will you do?

[Simon]

I have seen many posts stating that relatives will always have a place to live with us, meaning that parents or ILs will move in with BBB posters when needed. I am wondering, how will you handle their needs?

My own Mom lives in a retirement community, her choice, though Dh and I had talked years ago about the possibility of her living with us. The truth is that that she really couldn't. Dh and I both work and she needs someone around or at least access to someone for help off and on during the day so living with us isn't an option. Luckily, she can afford where she is right now.

My Dad is in good health and married with enough financial cushion to afford his own care. The ILs are both okay health wise though divorced and without enough $ to buy themselves care. Fingers crossed they won't end up with us.

So, if you plan to have ILs or Parents move in, do you SAH or WAH? Will you hire someone to come in and help? How will you handle the extra work?

[SnuggleBuggles]

My sister and BIL bought a house with a suite ready to go for any family member that needs it. I'm not sure anyone will take them up on it (they wouldn't be my first choice of people to live with). I don't know about dh's family. My FIL's parents are in their late 80s and just in the past few months his mom has started feeling off. We are all worried and I just asked MIL if there was a plan. There isn't one that we know of. They live in a senior community in their own condo. The community has options for other dwellings that provide various levels of care and support.

I don't know if any of our family has money or insurance if extra care is needed as they age.

Eta it is a pretty well established fact that my sister does far better with sick and injured than I do. I don't think anyone has expectations of my help.

[larig]

My parents have enough to pay for their needs, but if they got sick I would insist that they live with my family. I am an only child. DH is one of 6 kids, and the ILs would likely live with another one of his siblings.

[codex57]

Depending on our age, either stay at home or hire help.

[elektra]

My mom already lives in residential care home. There are up to 6 residents at any time with 2-3 full time care givers.
My dad just moved to his own house right up the street from us and I imagine I will help him out more and more as the years go on.

Not sure what we would do about DH's parents if they need care.


I think a lot of people who say they would never have a loved one live anywhere except at home with them have never actually been faced with that prospect. I'm sure many people do make it work, but it's a lot harder than you might imagine if the person needs a lot of care.

[AnnieW625]

My parents house is paid for. It is flat so it should work for the for the rest of their lives. They like being mortgage free so I can't see them moving.

I believe my in laws home and their RV is paid for. I know my mil might move back to CA if FIL passes on first. They can afford to move back to their old home town area because they sold their house in a low col area for a lot at the height of the market so they were able to afford their dream house and new RV in another low col area so I wouldn't be surprised if they still had some money left over from that sale. Both of my in laws have pension retirements so we really won't have to worry about them financially so that is a plus. Both DH and I think that FIL will stay at his current home if mil passes first.

[lhafer]

Would ILs or my parents live with us? Hell to the no! I would pay for them to have care in their own home or live in an assisted living place closer to us. But I would go insane if they lived with us. But I will always have a guest room available for them to visit.

[hellokitty]

DH and I are both asian, so the expectation is that our parents will live with one of their adult children's families. Technically, neither one of us should have this responsibility, since tradition is that it is the oldest son who shoulders this task. However, there is a lot of dysfunction on both sides, and I don't think it will end up traditional.

My dad says he will go to a nursing home. That's great, b/c nobody wants him to live with them, he's just a miserable person to be around. My mom though, does not want to go to a nursing home, she wants to go to my brother's, who is the traditional oldest son (technically, I'm the oldest child, my brother's the middle child, but oldest male), BUT they have a really horrible relationship after my brother's accident, b/c my parents did not do what they were supposed to do in a time of a family crisis. I actually don't mind taking my mom in, but she has her mind set on my brother. My other brother actually lives in an area where my parents would be happiest at (big asian community), so it is very weird that my parents won't consider going to live closer to him. They are so closed-minded, it drives me crazy that they only see one solution, instead of also considering my other brother (who has the best relationship with my parents out of the three of us).

My in laws. UGH. My bil has actually already asked his parents to move to their town. However, my mil is being difficult, I think that she literally wants to live IN their home and basically that is not going to happen, b/c neither my sil or myself can stand my mil. So, she has been playing mind games. A few yrs ago, she went to visit bil and they have a guest house on their property. My mil refused to stay in it, kicked niece out of her room to stay in her room instead in the big house. Then came home after that visit and called my DH and made an offer that if we upgraded our house, she would pay the difference in our mortgage payment. DH's eyes lit up right away, but my scooby senses knew right away she was up to no good. Basically, I think she would actually prefer to come live with us, it wasn't just out of the goodness of her heart that she was offering to do that. She hates our house, it isn't fancy or big enough for her tastes, and this sounds awful to say, but we technically *could* sell our house and upgrade, BUT I don't want a bigger house, b/c then my mil will want to move in with us. I told DH that if we upgraded houses, it would be about the same size as our current house, BUT with on at last 5 acres of land and that if we picked that kind of house, his mom would have a fit and withdraw her offer. My Dh got upset with me, telling me his mom was *just* trying to be nice, why did I have to twist it into something else. However, soon after that conversation, he dropped the idea all together and decided not to take his mother's bait.

The thing is, I will gladly take fil, he is great with the kids, easy going and great at helping out. We do have a guest room, it is nothing fancy, but someone could live there if they wanted too, and if it's fil, that's great, but I know my mil would not be satisfied with the accommodations, she's just feels entitled to be treated like a queen. Mil is, difficult, high maint, demanding, mean, doesn't help with anything and generally a person who brings everyone else down. My DH actually said, "my mother sucks the joy out of life." Yes, his words, not mine, so as much as he hates to admit it, he knows his mother is a miserable person to be around. Unfortunately, my DH is her favorite son, and since she knows that my bil is more selfish and won't treat her as nicely as my DH, I know that if she had the choice, she would prefer to stay with us. Not to mention, my sil and her have an even crappier relationship than I do with mil. She has pulled the, "tradition" card so many times, I'm really annoyed that this is when she is going to go against tradition. I told my DH his mother will never move in with us (and the same goes with my dad, so I'm not just being biased against his parents, like I said, my mom and his dad I am ok taking in), she can get a condo nearby, but I do not want her in our house. We'd probably get divorced if his mother moved in. She is so toxic.

What really sucks is that we have been, "ditched" with both sets of parents. My brothers and my bil all moved OOS after we moved BACK in state. Had we known they would pull this, we would never have moved back to begin with! We are now stuck in a bad position being geographically one hr away from each set of parents (opposite directions). So, in reality, I am really afraid that if one of them becomes seriously ill, guess who is going to have to take it on? Yes, we will, most especially me, since I am a sahm and my DH has an inflexible job. I am just annoyed that my mil will not just move down closer to bil, he has invited them to, but she is being coy and trying to move IN with him and wants him to invite her INto his home, not just to his region. That would solve the problem of one side of parents, but no, she has to be a PITA about it, like she is about everything.

My parents are difficult too, my dad refuses to retire, even though he needs to, rumor has it that he will retire later this yr. I'll believe it when I see it. My mom is upset that my one brother doesn't want her to move closer to them, even though my other brother would probably be very open to the idea and they live in an area with a lot of asians, so my parents would still have a good social life. Meanwhile, I feel like I am waiting for a bomb to go off, b/c I will be the one doing damage control if something happens to either set of parents, since we are the ones closest to them. It just sucks. I hate to see them get older and deteriorate, but I also resent that both sides will not form some sort of plan of what will happen, so that the family knows what to do. They get really offended if we mention anything like this, as if we are trying to say that we want them to die or something. No, that's not the case, we just want to have some sort of plan in place, but their dysfunction and crummy communication skills prevent us from getting anywhere in this dept. What's going to happen is the sh*t will hit the fan, and all the siblings will probably get into a big fight while under a stressful situation and I will get stuck taking care of the parents and dealing with all the paperwork, households, etc., while the other siblings just contribute $ and will think that it is fine, b/c they are giving $.

[ellies mom]

That is still kind of up in the air. I fully expect to pay for a good chunk of MIL's care when the time comes but she will not live with us. She is very negative when things are going well and now she is struggling with undiagnosed mental illness. I will not put the girls through that. We will probably move her up here at some point so we can keep a closer eye on her.

If my mom died, my dad would probably live with my sister because he would be horribly lonely. But they do not want to live with any of us when their care giving needs become too much. They currently live in a one level house that is already wheelchair friendly and there is talk of doing some garage to apartment conversion over at my sister's where they would take over my sister's single level house at some point and my sister would move into the apartment. That would be ideal because they would be nearby if my parents had a problem. But all of that is just in the "wouldn't it be cool?" talking stage. It all really just depends on how they age and the level of care they need. Right now they are healthy and active so who knows.

[edurnemk]

Would ILs or my parents live with us? Hell to the no! I would pay for them to have care in their own home or live in an assisted living place closer to us. But I would go insane if they lived with us. But I will always have a guest room available for them to visit.

:yeahthat: I might be able to consider having my mom live with us, but I would prefer another setup. I love my dad but he's not the easiest person to live with. But it's a mute point, since they've always express they don't want to be a burden in their children's homes, and that they've prepared and saved so they can afford a retirement community / assisted living, or whatever they need. I'd be OK contributing some money towards that, too.

The IL's? Over my dead body they would live in my house. If SIL wants to do it, great, but I'm not their daughter, DH works all.the.time and so I'd be the one stuck with them. They haven't exactly been very nice to me, they're both hypocrites and master manipulators. It's a good thing that FIL's mother went to an assisted living facility so there's a precedent set already. I have no idea if they have the means to pay for a retirement community, etc but if they don't I guess we'll pay for it, I don't see SIL being able to help with that. They own their house and an apartment so I guess they could rent them if needed.

[crl]

Our parents have planned well so there should be enough money to provide adequate care. My parents are welcome to live with us, but if they needed real care we would probably do a nursing home. My MIL could not live with us. Neither dh nor I could take that, and our marriage certainly couldn't. FIL could live with us. I don't think any of them would choose to live with us though.

Catherine

[ourbabygirl]

Ugh, this is an icky subject that I hate to think about it and hope I don't have to confront it IRL anytime soon!
MIL & FIL are basically estranged/ separated/ whatever you call it. DH thinks he has undiagnosed mental problems; his dad was always 'off' and has been unemployed for a number of years now. He worked in carpentry/ construction for years, and with the industry's downturn, he eventually lost his job and hasn't tried to find another one, from what I know. He's living in his own apartment (parents are too religious to get divorced... hmmmm...) and is blowing through his pension even though he's probably only in his early 60's, if that.
MIL is in really poor health and had to stop working about 7 or 8 years ago because of her health (diabetes, lost most of her vision, etc.). She's still living in the house DH grew up in, basically because his sister is taking care of her, while also attending college & working pretty close to full time. I mentioned to DH a year or two ago that we should probably take his mom in, not that I want to at all, but it's probably the right thing to do. However, he doesn't want to, and doesn't think his mom would accept, anyhow; she's pretty independent even though she can barely take care of herself (I don't even know that she can cook for herself anymore; they have a split level house & she can't get up & down the stairs by herself, but she doesn't want to move somewhere smaller & easier to get around). I'm a SAHM and have my hands full with my two kids as it is, and it's always awkward when I'm around her, so it would be *really* awkward if I were home alone with her all day. And our house isn't wheel chair or walker-accessible.... we have a bedroom on the main floor (currently used as DH's office), but no main floor shower, just a bathroom w/toilet & sink.
So yeah, that's a whole situation that I'm not looking forward to facing... they probably don't have any money saved up for funeral expenses or any of that, either. His mom isn't even 60 yet, and she's in such poor shape, but she keeps beating the odds, so she may be around for a very long time. We also live almost an hour from her, so the only way it would be feasible for us to check in on her and help more would be for us to move much closer, but she lives in a sketchy town & neighborhood and DH wants nothing to do with that.

My family is in pretty good financial shape (as far as I know)... they're in their early 60s and have no big health problems. Not sure what they're planning to do once they retire (if they ever do! they're still going strong), or where they want/ plan to be when they need help. I always imagined I'd live close to them to help out, as my mom did for my grandma when she got old. But again, in order to do that, we'd need to move about an hour away, and as much as I've been wanting to do that, the market is really bad and our house has lost so much value, we really don't have the extra money for it right now.

I'm assuming DH & I would take on more of the responsibility for both of our families since I'm the only daughter and he's the oldest child/ son, and his siblings are very irresponsible in general, esp. with money. They may never get married or have families, and since we're financially stable and DH is such a giver and people-pleaser, it'll be up to him to make some big decisions regarding his family.

[larig]

My mom already lives in residential care home. There are up to 6 residents at any time with 2-3 full time care givers.
My dad just moved to his own house right up the street from us and I imagine I will help him out more and more as the years go on.

Not sure what we would do about DH's parents if they need care.


I think a lot of people who say they would never have a loved one live anywhere except at home with them have never actually been faced with that prospect. I'm sure many people do make it work, but it's a lot harder than you might imagine if the person needs a lot of care.

I am one of those who said they'd stay with us. I'm realistic, however, about the prospects that I will not be able to care for them properly at some point, at which time we would find a suitable home for them. My mom's mom had dementia and it was too much for her children to manage, so she had to live in a nursing home.

[mackmama]

I think my parents would hire live-in help. Not sure about IL's. I'd be okay with any of them living with us if they really needed to do so.

[gatorsmom]

My parents got sick younger than anyone expected. Mom got sick when she was 62yo and dad took care of her until she died. He was 70yo when he got sick and 71 when he died. It was really a surprise for us all.

When my dad was going through all this I explained to my ILs that mine and DH's plan right after we got married was to move closer to my parents who were older than the iLs and support them until they passed away. Then we'd move closer to ILs and care for them as they got older. They said their care was already planned out. They already had an assisted living facility all picked out, and had money saved for all of that. They indicated that they did not want us to be responsible for their care. Or rather they said, "no way do we want to be dependent on you guys!" Works for me. :D

[niccig]

My sisters and I don't live in the same country as my parents, so this will be an issue for us. I'm expecting they'll stay at home as long as they can and then into a retirement home/nursing home set-up. Neither of them will move overseas. They should have enough money and they live in a country will better social safety nets, so I don't think my sisters or I will need to pay for their care.

My ILs seem to be set up for what they wants. MIL was an administrator is a nursing home and has said she will not live with her kids, as she knows how much strain it puts on caregivers. They've planned for it and MIL even knows the local nursing homes she would want to go to.

A friend's mother choose her own retirement accomodation, packed up and moved in when she was ready. It has different levels of care and she now needs more help. She was in control of moving when she wanted and it seems to me to be a smart way to do it, rather than wait until other people make the decision for you.

[StantonHyde]

Nobody is living with us. They all have plenty of money to live in assisted living, retirement homes, hire home health, aides etc. We would all go bat sh!t crazy if my dad lived with us. MIL can't get up and down the stairs well enough to live in our house. DH has been very clear with MIL that if she wants his help managing medical issues as she gets older, she will need to move to our city. (She lives several states away and SIL lives in a major east coast city) My dad won't want to move from his town 3 hours away and there is no way in he!! that I am juggling caring for someone that far away with my PT work and the kids and DH's schedule. So he can can hire people to come in or move into assisted living or move down here to a retirement place. My grandparents never lived with my parents. In our family, it is expected that you will save enough for retirement and be able to take care of yourself for the most part.

[LD92599]

My mom actually just moved in with us a month or two ago; we put a very large addition on specifically for her and her needs (outside entrance, ramp/deck from the driveway, ADA bathroom/roll in shower, walk in closet etc). She LOVES it here and I love having her here. Saves me a TON of running around from my house to hers and back.

Once her FT aide leaves down the road though.....that'll be another adjustment so for now it's another TWO adults in the house Full time!

[wencit]

My mom is the only person I would consider living with, and I even say that with much reservation, because I believe she has undiagnosed depression/mental issues.

Everyone else, no. effing. way.

[TwinFoxes]

We only have one parent living between us. I think MIL would prefer living with one of SILs than here. I would prefer it too. :wink2: But she would be welcome, no question. I love her, but it would be rough.

[lilycat88]

My father died 3 years ago and my mom moved to the town we live in. She built her own home 2 miles from us and she built it with features to age in place. Larger door openings, large walk-in shower with no step, etc. Our house is large enough for her to move in but not set up for someone needing care. I'm an only child and work full time. If the need arises, she will move into a facility within a couple of miles of us.

[ehmom]

we crossed this bridge about ten years ago when we were in our 20s. my mom has als and i have been one of her main caregivers for the past ten years. dh and i decided to move in with them (they have a pretty big house) so i could continue to care for her and have kids. now, we have three kids and in over the past 8 years my dad has fought cancer on and off. for us this was the only option other than putting my mom in some sort of nursing home which i could not stand the thought off. most of the ones i have visited are pretty bad compared to living at home. it has been really hard and dh and i (and our kids) have made lots of personal and career sacrifices, but it is worth it and our kids have learned a lot about family and putting others needs ahead of their own.

[hillview]

Mil lives with sil in uk do expect that is sorted. Dh paid for their house so think all is well there. My parents live downstairs from us in a 2family we own. It depends on what is needed. Right now they are fine. As they age we could have someone come in for help. They have social security but that is it so we will just see how it goes.

[amandabea]

DH's parents died long ago before we had met/married. My parents are in good health and in their early to mid sixties. Their plan is to move out of the country when they retire. DH and I think it is a bad idea b/c they won't be close enough to visit us or my brother's family. We would travel to see them, but in reality we would only be able to do that every 18 months or so and my brother's family would never see them. we continue to talk to them about moving to a LCOL area, but my stepdad is convinced that they cannot afford healthcare in the U.S. as they age. DH and I have talked about the possibility of my parents living with us. It's not what we would prefer (and my parents would not want to burden us), but we would do it if we had to.

[elephantmeg]

my parents have their down payment in for a retirement community. Who knows what DH's parents will do. Prob what my FIL's mom did-live at home until 90+ and then move to a nursing home and die. But my MIL has a ton of health problems so who knows....

[MoJo]

My mom and DH's parents both have their middle child living in their homes and long-term unemployed. The bigger worry in our families is what happens to our brothers when there is no more financial support because our parents have passed.

[klwa]

My mother was adament that we NOT bring her to live with us. Her mother & all of her aunts had dementia to varying degrees, and she didn't want to put us through what she, her siblings, and her cousins had gone through with their mothers/aunt. (One aunt had no children, so it was up to the cousins to take care of her.) So, she got long term care insurance & told us that at the first sign of dementia, we were to put her in a nursing home & just come to visit. She ended up passing away at 62.5, before any real symptoms began to appear. (The previous generation all had symptoms manifest in their 70-80's. And you can see that my mom's oldest sister & brother are starting to show symptoms now.) My dad agreed with her & still carries his long term care insurance. When he can't take care of himself, we've been instructed to put him in a nursing home. The IL's... I dont' know what they want. DH's grandfather is now in an assisted living facility. (96 years old & still in his own apartment, rather than the "care" portion of the facility.) FIL's parents both died fairly young (late 60's early 70's.), so I think in his midn it won't be an issue. And MIL's parents both made it to 90+ before needing any additional care. So, we'll see. MIL did try to keep her dad at her house & her sister's house, but he wasn't happy & they weren't happy, and it just made sense for him to get a little more autonomy.

[brittone2]

My parents are retired and in their mid 60s. We lived 15 mins away from them at one point, but due to a work move, we now live 9 hours away. THey own their home, but with the decline in prices will be taking a hit when they sell. They are going to try to move to where we are now, but the higher COL combined with taking the hit on selling is not particularly appealing. THey also have fantastic university medical facilities nearby, low taxes, etc. which really makes where they are now a great place for retirees. However, they have no support system now that we moved out of the area.

They were going to move back and buy a single family home, as my dad loves doing yardwork and such. He is retired and that's his thing. However, DH and I have urged them to think long term and purchase a condo or one level townhouse. My mom agrees and I think has my dad on board with that. I'd like them to be very close to us (within 15 mins) but they'll probably end up somewhere around 30 mins away. I fully expect as they age to be driving them to appts and so forth, and then possibly have one or both living with us at some point. We are willing to do so if they are not particularly medically involved, but more of a supervision, make sure they are eating, type of situation. IF their medical needs became too complex, we'd have to explore a nursing home or other facility. If anything happens to my father, I expect my mother will need help with getting to appts and so forth, and would be more likely to move in with us. I have 4 brothers but there is not a single one who will likely help with my parents' care as they age in any way. They don't live in the area and just won't be able to lend much support of any type, unfortunately.

My ILs are in their mid 60s, have a two story home, and have considered downsizing and buying a single story but I don't think it will happen for quite a long time if ever. SIL is single, in her late 30s, and lives 10 mins away from MIL/FIL. She'd help them as needed. My other BIL/SIL live about 5-10 mins away. I think they'd be open to having my ILs live with them possibly (and they do have first floor facilities at their house). However, they wouldn't be able to provide any real care if things became more medically complex. MIL insists she will. not. go. to a nursing home, as does her own mother (who is now going to be living with them once discharged from rehab post-stroke). At some point DH needs to discuss with them that that may just not be an option depending on their needs. FIL's parents both have had alzheimer's. His mother is currently living in an alzheimer's unit (an excellent one thankfully). His father lived there before passing away 2 years ago. So there's a strong chance FIL may need that type of care.

[lablover]

I know my parents have it. At what age should one purchase this?

[BabyBearsMom]

My parents have saved for the eventuality of assisted living although they know we would help them if needed. My ILs are very well off but I know if FIL died before MIL, DH would want her to move in with us. He thinks she will get lonely and it will hurt her mental capacity. Neither of my DH's siblings are financially in a place where they could manage this, so it falls to us. His must list for our next house is an in-law suit for this exact eventuality. I'm trying really hard to work on my relationship with MIL now to prepare for this.

[hellokitty]

What I find interesting about this thread is that many assume that if the parents or in laws have $$$ that they can afford to take care of themselves, so they won't have to get that involved. My parents are well off, but I know that my mom would not want to stay at a nursing home. My dad supposedly says he wants to do a nursing home, but I think he is just saying it. Mil and fil are a different story. I think they will be ok on their own, but financially will need our help if they end up with big medical issues, but even before having medical issues, my mil's always wanted to come live with one of her adult children. I still find it a little weird that able bodied ppl would want to go live with someone else, when they can still be independent in their own living arrangement (and yes, fil is still alive). I can understand wanting to go live with your kids if you are a widow and/or are getting to the point where your health problems affect your ability to take care of yourself, that's different, but my mil has been talking about living with one of her kids since I can remember (I've been with Dh for over 20 yrs). Even my own mom used to ask us all the time when we were kids if she could live with us. I think about it now and it seems weird to me that she would burden young children with this, but maybe it's just cultural? However, my mom would still want to be independent if she is still mentally/physically able to, unlike my mil.

Oh and IDK if this is an issue for anyone else, but if you have parents who are from an immigrant background who haven't assimilated well to american culture, how do you find a convalescent facility that is compatible with their culture? I know in areas with a high population of asians, they have facilities for asians, but there is nothing like that where we live. My parents would not thrive in a typical, "american" facility, even if it was a nice one. They probably wouldn't eat much and lose a ton of wt, nor would they really socialize much, if at all due to language and not understanding american culture and customs. It would be even worse for my in laws, since their english is much worse than my parents'.

[MamaMolly]

When DH got sick last year the hospital released him to a craptastic nursing home for 2 weeks. I spent every single day that her was there in the offices un-fu&#$Y#ing up something that some dipstick had done or not done. Like sending my barely able to hobble around husband to a hospital 20 miles away for a test without identification, insurance information, paperwork of any kind, and in fact with out an appointment. And they DROPPED HIM OFF.

I had a Gone With the Wind moment. As God as my witness, no one. NO.ONE. in my family will ever have to go in a nursing home unless they specifically want it. Including my royal PITA FIL who has treated me like crap for most of the 15 years I've known him.

I am currently a SAHM.
ETA: It has nothing to do with money. MIL and FIL are each independently able to care for themselves financially, even though married. (They keep separate accounts) My mother is currently living with my sister. I advised against it, but they are adults and can make that decision for themselves. If she or my father/stepmother needed care I would take them in. We would be footing the bills there. I believe my uncle has long term care plans and I know he's ok financially, but I also made it clear to him that he was welcome in my home should the need ever arise.

[lizzywednesday]

Ugh, I really don't want to be in the position my dad is in with his mom, who should really be in an assisted living facility, but Dad feels like that's somehow cruel. She's forgetful, narcoleptic and prone to falls because she uses her walker as a clothes hanger.

Seriously. :6:

I really don't want to be in my dad's position. (Of course, I have 3 younger siblings, two of whom could be guilted into taking care of Dad when he gets older, but I'd hate to see that happen to them either.)

My mom used to be a full-time geriatrics nurse in an assisted care facility. She's seen what old age does and has planned accordingly. She will not come to live with us or any of my siblings.

The ILs, on the other hand are much better prepared financially for their retirement and the scourges of old age than my dad. I don't expect to have them live with either BIL/SIL or DH and I.

[Corie]

My husband hasn't spoken to his family in over 15 years. He cut off
all contact back when he was in college. His father has since died.
MIL will have to rely on her other 2 children as my husband would never
allow her to live with us.

My mom passed away right after she turned 49 years old. My Dad
is 67 years old and he is still in good health. I do not want him
to come live with us. I don't think I could deal with him 24/7. I'm sure
that I'll be responsible for some part of his care-giving as we only
live about 3 hours away from him and I'm the oldest. My 3 siblings
live in Texas.

My step-mom is on her own.

[brittone2]

When DH got sick last year the hospital released him to a craptastic nursing home for 2 weeks. I spent every single day that her was there in the offices un-fu&#$Y#ing up something that some dipstick had done or not done. Like sending my barely able to hobble around husband to a hospital 20 miles away for a test without identification, insurance information, paperwork of any kind, and in fact with out an appointment. And they DROPPED HIM OFF.

I had a Gone With the Wind moment. As God as my witness, no one. NO.ONE. in my family will ever have to go in a nursing home unless they specifically want it. Including my royal PITA FIL who has treated me like crap for most of the 15 years I've known him.

I am currently a SAHM.
.
Facilities certainly fall over the place in terms of quality of care. And more expensive does not always equal better. My grandmother didn't have a lot of money and stayed in a facility that was...not great. At all. But she hit the point where medically she just couldn't get adequate care from my parents, and she had dementia (and was combative, etc. at times). My grandfather (other side of the family) lived in a fantastic assisted living community and he died while still in that portion. That facility is great IME, including the skilled nursing portion . One of my DH's grandmothers is in an Alzheimer's unit of an excellent facility. We swing in there regularly unannounced, can access the unit via the keypad, and I am always happy with what I see.

I am open to having my parents stay with me. Because of my background, I would feel reasonably okay with doing some basic personal care assistance, or perhaps hiring someone very part time for that. I feel okay with making sure they are fed, getting appropriate activity (getting up to walk if able, etc.), taking their medications, staying hydrated. However, even that can be *very* overwhelming. Add in dementia or a more complicated medical situation, and I don't think the average family member can really provide adequate care.

I don't *want* my family to have to go to a facility, and I'm willing to assist in their care to a point. But there comes a point medically for many people where their family simply does not have adequate resources available to ensure their safety, especially as things like combativeness, impulsivity, etc. rear their head (cognitive changes due to dementia, stroke, etc.).

[daisysmom]

Right before DH and I married, we did premarital counseling in the Episcopal church and they asked us all these questions to discuss, one of them being "how will you care for aging parents". I thought it was so irrelvant, as both of our parents had plans for their own care. But the economy fell apart since then, and my MIL got Alzheimers. I have said on here before that aging parents has been the biggest, and completely unexpected, stressor on our marriage. We each are from families of 4 and our families looked perfectly normal when we got married ------ uh not so much!!

My parents will spend all of their money if they need to to live in their house and have in home care. They are in their 70s and my father will probably pass in the next few years, he has chronic kidney disease so only has about 22% kidney function now and will not get a transplant or do dialysis (his choice, and we respect that). My mother is very independent, but not near as financially savvy as my father is, so one of us will need to help her manage assets and investments for the rest of her life.

My DH's parents (in their late 80s) were already in an assisted living community when we got married. MIL got alzheimers, and FIL has found a girlfriend who has sucked over $200K out of him. He has now voluntarily left the assisted living community (thus losing the whole economic incentive to buy into a place like that) and is trying to live in a condo with the girlfriend. He has gotten a recent load of health problems (86) and basically forcing his children to help him, as girlfriend doesn't want to care for him. He gave her life rights to the condo, so she won't be leaving there. He is an obstinate angry old man and insists he is fine without us, but then we are the first to get called every night he ends up in the hospital b/c he can't breath (congestive heart failure). My DH was down with him Monday and Thurs of this week, as we live about an hour away.

I doubt that we will ever have any of them live with us. But that doesn't mean that we won't spend a ton of time and energy trying to assist them. Their assisted living cost $14K a month, and is not all that nice at all (we have found another one for $10K a month that is downright nasty). Since they could both live 2-7 more years, or more, this is a very very expensive indeavor.

My next door neighbors parents belonged to the "Hemloch society" and both committed suicide once the woman started to really fail under alzheimers. They decided to do this in thier 60s, wrote it down and dated it then, after watching their own parents suffer in alzheimers for years. I know this is very sensitive, but there is a lot to be said for this approach.

[lizzywednesday]

Facilities certainly fall over the place in terms of quality of care. ... But there comes a point medically for many people where their family simply does not have adequate resources available to ensure their safety, especially as things like combativeness, impulsivity, etc. rear their head (cognitive changes due to dementia, stroke, etc.).

Beth, I totally agree.

My grandfather (my mom's dad) and grandmother found themselves in the position where they could not care for my aunt Chris (who has developmental disabilities) in their home any longer about 10-15 years ago. They were able to place her in a group home that *she* loves and is near enough that she can visit with them weekly.

They had been planning for this as a possibility for a while, but it definitely came to a head just as my grandfather was starting the diagnostic steps that led to his ALS diagnosis. Chris became combative & prone to wandering, so my grandmother realized it would be in everyone's best interest of Chris moved.

At the moment, Grandpa has a live-in home health aide that's paid for with his very good insurance and very nicely planned retirement & pension accounts. The house is paid for, which is a weight off my grandmother's mind, and they are very frugal so I hope they're able to continue this way.

Mom's seen this, so I think she's a lot more realistic about end-of-life care than my dad is.