Who should tell DD that DSD is moving out?

[randomkid]

A little background: DSD1 is almost 21yo and in her last year of her 4 yr degree, but moving on to postgraduate school (we hope). She has decided she wants to move out and spend her last year at this university living on her own, well, with roommates. We are not sure this is in her best interest, not because we don't think she can do it, but she's been living here to save money for dental school. She has a long way to go and we have tried to help her avoid debt and racking up loans by allowing her to live here. We just can't help her financially with dental school, so this is what we have tried to do for her so far. Also, she will be renting a room from a young married couple (in the house they own) and we feel there can be all kinds of issues with this on many levels. We have discussed it with her and she appears to have made up her mind to move out. This means she will have to work at least 20 hrs/wk in her most difficult year of college to date in order to pay bills. That doesn't include tuition and books which concerns us that she will start pulling from her savings for dental school. We have made it clear that she is free to move back anytime. This is really all irrelevant since we can't tell her what to do and have to let her make her own decisions. However, I just wanted to give a little back story in case it makes a difference in your thinking on this. Also, I don't like the idea of her moving out, coming back, then leaving again to go away to school because I think it would be very hard on DD.

All that being said, I have been trying to prepare ultra-sensitive DD for this. I have told her that DSD1 is an adult now and it's time for her to be on her own. DD sobbed. She doesn't know that DSD1 is definitely planning to move out. She adores her big sisters and DSD1 has lived here full time since DD was 4yo, so she doesn't really remember life much without her here all the time. So, I am looking for opinions here. Do you think it would be best coming from DH and me or from DSD1 herself? I am not really sure. She might take it better from her, but then again, she might not. Thoughts?

[TwinFoxes]

I wonder if it might not be better to not have a big conversation with her, but to let her find out in the course of things. Like if DSD were going to college and moving out after senior year she'd talk about applying, where she wants to go, it would kind of just be in DD's universe. So maybe DSD can just do things like mention she may have found roommates, or if DD sees her reading the paper (because it's 1995 ;) ) she can say she's looking at apartment listings, hey would DD like to come look at them. I just think maybe not making it a big deal, just a "this is what's going on" might be better. If you sit down and say "well, we have news, DSD is moving, and it means we won't see her as much, but she'll still always love you" it might make it seem like a BIG DEAL.

Just my two cents. :)

[sarahsthreads]

I'm assuming since DSD is living at home going to college at the moment, she's still going to be pretty local, right? So can you help your DD understand that she'll still see her big sister, just not every day? Maybe you can encourage DSD to attend a family dinner night every week to give your DD a set time to look forward to seeing her? (Plus it's one less meal your DSD has to buy & cook!)

Maybe your DD can be involved in helping DSD decide what she's packing, and pick out something to send with her. Like a picture of them together they could each have a copy of, or one of those BFF necklaces where they each get half? If she sees that DSD is happy and excited about this, do you think she could start to be happy for her sister? eta: If you think she would be able to be happy for her sister, maybe it would be better for DSD to tell her because she is excited to make this move.

I also have a super sensitive DD, and I've come to the realization that I can't always prepare her in advance for sad things. When I try she seems to dwell on it for far longer than if I just let her experience things as they come.

It must feel extra tough since you're not thrilled with her leaving in the first place. :hug:

Sarah :)

[KpbS]

It is a tough call for sure. I think that I would chose to let DSD tell DD unless DSD was very opposed to the idea. You can prep DSD and let her know that you think DD may be very sad (lots of crying!) when she tells her and I like PP's idea of letting it unfold naturally, maybe DSD packing some things or picking out a shower curtain or the like for her new appt. I think if you have DSD tell DD it may feel less like you are "taking away" DSD to DD than if you are the bearer of the news.

I also really like PP's idea of having a standing night/day where DSD comes home (maybe to do laundry?) to eat a meal and hang out with DD. Perhaps they can have a special activity to do then like playing a game or working on a puzzle/scrapbook.

:hug: I know it's hard.

[randomkid]

I'm assuming since DSD is living at home going to college at the moment, she's still going to be pretty local, right? So can you help your DD understand that she'll still see her big sister, just not every day? Maybe you can encourage DSD to attend a family dinner night every week to give your DD a set time to look forward to seeing her? (Plus it's one less meal your DSD has to buy & cook!)

Maybe your DD can be involved in helping DSD decide what she's packing, and pick out something to send with her. Like a picture of them together they could each have a copy of, or one of those BFF necklaces where they each get half? If she sees that DSD is happy and excited about this, do you think she could start to be happy for her sister? eta: If you think she would be able to be happy for her sister, maybe it would be better for DSD to tell her because she is excited to make this move.

I also have a super sensitive DD, and I've come to the realization that I can't always prepare her in advance for sad things. When I try she seems to dwell on it for far longer than if I just let her experience things as they come.

It must feel extra tough since you're not thrilled with her leaving in the first place. :hug:

Sarah :)

Yes, she will still be local and I like the idea of a set night, but that is likely not going to be possible. DSD's schedule will be jam packed with classes, studying and working. I think she is taking 17 hours this fall! That's a heavy load with difficult classes. She will be living about 30 minutes away, so will be hard for her to get home. I think what DD will miss most is the impromptu moments of "sister time". I will sometimes ask DSD1 to help DD with things when we are trying to go somewhere or if I have something to do - wrap a present for a b-day party, help DD with her shower, etc. DD loves those times as well as just going into DSD's room in the evening and having private time with her. DSD2 is also living here, but is rarely home. She is a much more "on the go" kind of girl, so not around very often. DSD1 also will seek out DD - going into her room to chat or play for a bit, sitting down with her for a few minutes to watch TV, cutting and painting her fingernails, etc.

Yes, I haven't told DD yet because, like your DD, she will dwell on it until the time comes. It will have to be not long before she actually moves out. I can let it unfold, but it still has to be prepped as DD is very observant and would not do well watching something happening without being prepared first. I still think there is going to have to be the very direct "your sister is moving out" comment. I also like the idea of having something they both can keep, like a picture or necklace. DD would love that and I think DSD would as well. She absolutely adores DD and is great with her. I will miss those sister moments for DD as much as she will. It always warms my heart to see her enjoying her sister so much. DSD2 will help her and do things with her, but not seek DD out like DSD1 does. She is just not as much of a kid person as DSD1.

Thanks for the thoughts. It does give me ideas for a different approach to this. I would like for it to be as gentle as possible, for both of them actually. I know DSD1 will feel bad for upsetting DD.