Is abstinence unhealthy for adults?

[kozachka]

I am embarrassed to call and ask my ob-gyn practice (they probably have more important things to do/ patients with real problems to attend to) and online search did not turn up anything useful (yes, I know that sex is good for your health as long as you are not getting exposed to STDs or doing anything dangerous) but I can't stop wondering if there are any health repercussions of abstinence for a healthy and willing adult. The best that I could find/infer that it's not a problem "in moderation". Not sure how to interpret that, e.g., once a year, once half a year, or say once a quarter.

H has been out of town for almost 7 weeks and immediately prior to that got in trouble for drinking and driving, so we were barely talking, let alone engaging in adult fun, and he was out of town for over a month before that. We both had very upset stomachs after New Year's vacation, so I had almost no action this year, and I think it's affecting my mental, if not physical state, especially around ovulation. So this is more than just curiosity, unfortunately. And given the state of our relationship and H business, things are not likely to get better any time soon. The only benefit is that I don't have to worry when my period is late.

[karstmama]

physically, i don't think it will hurt you. mentally, that's another thing. not to be all in your business, but my suggestion would be a bob - battery operated boyfriend. if you don't have a vibrator, get one to try. if it doesn't do things for you, try a different type. there's a large selection on drugstore.com, and it's not a sleazy site. no help for your relationship, but some release for you. also, 'girl porn' - books by lori foster, angela knight, johanna lindsey, books published by brava.

nothing wrong with taking care of needs without a guy. if i'm on the total wrong track for what you wanted to talk about, please forgive me.

[AnnieW625]

Physically no, but I think mentally, yes esp. if prior to your DH's problems with alcohol you had an active sex life.

I have never owned a B.O.B., but read a fair amount of romance novels, add Nora Roberts as an author to check out. Totally main stream, but her sex scenes are quite good.

[AshleyAnn]

I survived 8 months after my ex left. We had a horrible sex life so I didnt really miss it and when I started getting it again it was just like riding a bike (well not exactly ;-)) and I hadnt forgotten what to do.

[kozachka]

not to be all in your business, but my suggestion would be a bob - battery operated boyfriend. if you don't have a vibrator, get one to try.

nothing wrong with taking care of needs without a guy. if i'm on the total wrong track for what you wanted to talk about, please forgive me.

You are not on the wrong track at all. In fact I have been researching various B.O.B. options on and off for months now. Was not sure if I truly need one or whether it will help me (friend in somewhat similar situation says it does not for her), but am seriously considering this Ina (http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Ina-Purple-Dual-action-Vibrator/dp/B002P5BTLC/ref=sr_du_4_map?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1335023429&sr=1-4) vibrator by Lelo. It's getting great reviews on several sites and comes in purple, one of my favorite colors. Waiting for ILs to come and go, they'll be staying in our bedroom while H and I are taking vacation without DS (like that would help), and I don't want them to 'accidentally' stumble upon it.

[kozachka]

I survived 8 months after my ex left. We had a horrible sex life so I didnt really miss it and when I started getting it again it was just like riding a bike (well not exactly ;-)) and I hadnt forgotten what to do.

I am not worried whether I'd forget what to do or not, I am sure I'd be just fine. But we've been living together-apart since DS and I moved back to the State in the summer of 2009, so for almost 3 years now, and I am wondering if this kind of on-and-off situation is healthy for me. We already were doing it not that often (twice a month, then not at all for the month that he is travelling, so on average once a month), now it's just almost never (as in once since Jan 1st, so in almost four months).

[Katigre]

Mentally/emotionally I think that the lack of endorphins from sexual activity can be detrimental - though I would think that a vibrator might help with that to an extent (though you obviously don't get the emotional/relational benefits of sex with that).

[Giantbear]

it's killing me :cry:

[Kymberley]

DH and I went over a year when he was bad in his alcoholism. I was also pregnant, so that was no fun AT ALL. It affected me mentally. Very much so I would say. But we were sleeping in the same bed most nights so I built up a lot of resentments. The past year has been much better. It's still not perfect and I still have hang-ups, but I try my best to ignore them and just go for it. I also have a BOB, just in case.

[edurnemk]

Physically, I'm sure it's not harmful. Mentally, it depends on your sex drive, mental state, personal circumstances, etc. My sex drive is super low, so I can easily go for months without (and I have).

[lalasmama]

I've been without actual intercourse for... oh, I don't want to think about it. Even when XSO and I were together, we weren't having intercourse, just all the other fun stuff.

Physically, no, I don't think there's any harm in being abstinent. At least nothing that I have experienced, and I went from being a rather "frisky friend" of many to... well... it's me, myself, and I for the last few years.

Now, as others have pointed out, mentally, I think it's a whole different game, and your mental health around it *can* affect your physical health! Some women experience missed or late periods when emotional upsets, or other things, "throw them off" around ovulation time.

I've noticed I feel generally healthier when I am abstinent by choice. Wait, that sounds wrong. I feel healthiest when in a sexual relationship. But, next healthiest is when I've made that choice to not have/be in a sexual relationship. Emotionally, and physically, I feel worst when I'm wanting some action and my desires are being denied because of some one else's choices. In other words, when I feel in control of my sexual life, that feeling finds it's way through other areas of my life too, thereby making life feel better in general, whether I'm getting any actual nookie or not. When I became a Christian, I decided to stop having intercourse until I was married. I've had relationships since then--including 2 years with XSO--and I still felt that I made the choice to refrain from intercourse, and felt perfectly fine about "not gettin' any".

Oh, and those long dry spells, a Bob is a wonderful thing! I don't "always" use it, if you get my drift, but on occasion, it's a nice change. Currently, Bob has died (to be fair, he was over 10 years old, LOL), and I need to buy a new one, but I'll be out of town in 2 weeks, and, like you, don't want anyone meeting Bob while I'm not there!

[karstmama]

i was always a rabbit girl myself...but again, you have to see what you respond to.

http://www.amazon.com/Trinity-Vibes-EC712-Classic-Vibrator/dp/B002X78W7Q/ref=sr_1_7?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1335036460&sr=1-7

[misshollygolightly]

The Hitachi Magic Wand is also a good option...and it's a fairly benign-looking massager, so doesn't scream "sex toy" if someone happens to stumble across it in your room. It's also great for working on sore muscles in any part of the body...not just useful as a BOB.

I hope this doesn't sound weird, but I think getting a good professional massage or mani/pedi w/ foot massage might also help. The power of human touch (not just sexual touch, but a friendly hug or a good massage) is really powerful and can do a lot for your mental and physical well-being. For me, a full-body massage helps me feel reconnected w/ my body in a good way (in other words, it helps me feel like a *real* person with a *real* body that deserves to be taken care of, not just feel like I'm a pair of boobs for nursing or hands for taking care of other peoples' needs all the time). I don't think I'm expressing this very well, but all I mean is that just having your body touched in a good, sensual way (like in a massage) can be a really great release. It's not a substitute for sex (and I don't get "turned on" in a massage), but it might give you some comfort during what sounds like a really stressful, frustrating period. :hug:

[karstmama]

i adore my magic wand, but the price can be off-putting. very worth it, though.

another thought might be yoga, for some of the same reasons as above - good slow stretching your body, coming back into contact with yourself, etc.

and then some hot novels! ;)

[Cam&Clay]

Talk to military wives! DH just returned from more than 7 months overseas. Rabbits are nice.

[kozachka]

Talk to military wives! DH just returned from more than 7 months overseas. Rabbits are nice.

I always wondered how military wifes handle their husband's deployments. Unfortunately, I don't know any IRL.

I am not opposed to a B.O.B. but DH seems to have an issue with them, he is concerned that as result of using one, I'd develop certain expectations that he won't be able to meet, or something along these lines.

[kozachka]

i adore my magic wand, but the price can be off-putting. very worth it, though.

another thought might be yoga, for some of the same reasons as above - good slow stretching your body, coming back into contact with yourself, etc.

and then some hot novels! ;)

I don't mind the price, the vibrator that I am considering (Ina by Lelo) is going to be more expensive, even on Amazon. I want a vibrator with rechargeable batteries that is still fairly powerful, which is why I am not considering the Magic Wand.

Thank you for reminding me about yoga. I bought 10 classes through Groupon or LivingSocial, they are about to expire. Previously martial arts class that I am taking together with DS has helped with stress and other frustrations, but I've been unable to take one in 3 weeks due to jaw surgery, which is not helping things.

[karstmama]

it's sorta not up to your husband. i mean, at this point, would he rather you have a vibrator or an affair? no, don't ask him that. but really, not his call. and don't tell me he doesn't participate in self-stim himself because i won't buy it. and that only takes a matter of minutes, too, so the same expectations if that's his issue. so he can stop all masturbation if he won't 'let' you participate.

sorry. big breath. that made me a bit angry on your behalf. here's an idea for compromise - when you're together & doing the deed again, you can look into a itty vibrator that comes on a ring that he wears. then everyone benefits.

so orgasms with bob are different than those without. big deal. it doesn't mean you forget how to do the ones without. not a reasonable worry on his part.

[kozachka]

Thank you for venting on my behalf, karstmama! You've summed up my thoughts on the subject pretty well. DH does not like competition, including battery operated, so the answer to this question would have been "neither", not that I am going to ask him. He is OK with 'me and myself' scenario.

We've discussed this potential purchase on several occasions before and at this point, I am not going to ask his opinion, like I did not ask him whether I should cut my hair short or not (I knew he prefers women with longer hair). I am an adult woman who makes enough money and lives in a civilized country in 21st century, I don't need my husband's permission to buy a vibrator. This comes across as much more feminist than intended, lol!, but you get the gist.

[KLD313]

I remember my aunt telling my mother this and it stuck with me for some reason. She said her GYN appts were painful and her GYN told her that the vagina is a muscle and it's a use it or lose type situation. Basically her vagina atrophied from lack of sex. However, she had gone years and years and years w/out so I'm sure that doesn't apply to you.

[kozachka]

I finally pulled the trigger and placed the order for Lelo Ina in purple, one of my favorite colors. It's $75 with free shipping right now. Best price for it in a while according to CamelCamelCamel.

I've spent an ungodly amount of time :bag reading reviews for various vibrators on multiple recommended sites, and this toy seems to have everything that I want - rechargeable battery, dual motors, high quality of materials and workmanship, and ease of operation. It also looks cool and not obvious. Keeping my fingers crossed it fits my body, which has been the only serious complaint about this device. Hope this helps someone, and can't wait to get my package :loveeyes:.